The Girl Code (13 page)
If He Asks if You Heard Him Honk:
“Oh, I didn't think you were calling for me; I just assumed you were having trouble parking.”
THE CAR DOOR TEST
Well-mannered men will walk to the car and open your door first. As they walk around to their door, recognize that they are actually testing
you
: Do you unlock it for them, or do you fail to be considerate?
First off:
If he doesn't open your side first, you stand there and wait, if necessary until he drives away.
Second:
Just unlock the door and pass his damn test, even if you don't care about him; you should never fail anything.
THE EX TEST
Early on in the game, make some casual inquiries about his ex. Your sole purpose here is to find out how he will one day speak about you.
Run for the door if:
The words
restraining order
come up, He tells you her most personal secret, He says he still loves her or explains that modeling for the Victoria Secret catalog took up too much other time.
If he refuses to discuss her:
That may not be such a bad thing…you've got an interesting one at least.
THE FAMILY TEST
The first time a potential boyfriend brings you to his family home, remember your manners, look virginal, and pretend there's nothing riding on this encounter. But don't fail to take this opportunity to see how he relates to them. Remember, this is how he plans on playing house one day down the road.
Things to pick up on:
If Mom still cuts his meat, Three hundred bottles of beer on the wall, If there are snapshots of his ex-girlfriend all over the house, If Dad is nice to his wife.
But do give him some slack:
After all, everyone's family is crazy.
My mother always told me there are three kinds of love…
Some People Are: IN LOVE
The amazing, blessed state that few people actually achieve. Occurs in women who have found their: soul mate, life partner, unfailing confidant, eternal livable roommate, other half, permanent designated driver, and forever best friend.
For most, this is found only:
in children's books, once in a lifetime, after years of therapy, and after a few test runs in short-term markets.
CAUTION:
The only way to know for sure is after fifty years of life together.
But More People Are: IN LOVE WITH LOVE
Which occurs during the initial period of a relationship when you do actually hear birds singing and all that crap. You have no need to sleep, you have a feeling in your bones that resembles a drug-induced high, and the guy still really likes your family.
But before you call this love, ask yourself these questions:
Have you seen anything but his best behavior? Has he seen yours?
Would you like him 100 pounds heavier with no hair?
Is this the senility patient for you?
Until you're sure:
Let's face it, you are “in Like.”
And Sadly More People Are: IN LOVE WITH THE DRAMA
The drama arises from the never-ending chase, the never surrendering heart you wish to attain, the never fixable qualities you're convinced you can fix, or the never-ending problems you are resolved to overcome.
Well, Wake Up and:
Stop trying to fix your dad, Start thinking more of yourself, or no one else will, Stop riding roller coasters and opt for a sit and spin.
Instead:
Spend six months celibate, go dancing with girlfriends, get a hobby, and eventually you'll get a real life.
I Have Also Found These Kinds of Love…
IN LOVE WITH THE CIRCLE
When you can't separate the crowd or the lifestyle from the man you are dating.
Kind of like when the sundress in the window looks so good with the necklace, the boots, the gloves, and the hat, but when you get it home alone, it's a tacky piece of shit.
Things to Assess:
If you sat at a bus stop for the evening, would you enjoy his company?
If you had no money to spend on a date, what would you do?
Do you ever talk about anything substantial?
Do you secretly have a crush on his best friend?
Beware of a Good Rationalization:
They just perpetuate the situation.
IN LOVE WITH THE PAYCHECK
Needing little explanation, symptoms of this kind of love can include liking a man for his money, clothing, position, favorite restaurant, vacation home, frequent flyer miles, or anything else that calls for his platinum card.
Keep in Mind:
Rich men have a tendency to go back to their high school sweetheart, and money doesn't give you taste, personality, or empathy…nor does it make a man.
Treatment for this Ailment:
You might consider inflating your own income first and looking into men afterward.
IN LOVE WITH THE TIMING
When feelings of love are falsely induced by the “appropriateness” of the time in your life. Usually occurs during senior year of high school or college, second year of a real job, six months before the thirtieth birthday, or whenever the biological clock starts ticking.
Beware of:
feeling as if you missed out on things later in life if you timing is early and knowing the difference between your timing and your mother's influence.
Also Note:
Timing may contribute to a lasting relationship nonetheless, and without this kind of love, most of us would never have been born.
IN LOVE WITH THE SEX
Works best when he doesn't have deep feelings for you, either. Keep in mind that this kind of love is the most difficult to sustain and the most destructive to your head.
For the Record:
You might believe that adding some exciting stuff to your sexual repertoire is worth putting up with an unhealthy relationship because you think you can always bring these new tricks to a real relationship later—but you can't.
Reality Says:
The longer you romp on this futon, the longer it will take to find a real bed.
“The thing you have to be prepared for is that other people don't always dream your dream.”
—LINDA RONSTADT
TABLE FOR ONE
If you fall into the unfortunate category of women who can't reach orgasm—and your friends aren't talking—start going to bed early until you can burn the candle at both ends, all by yourself.
SEEK AND YE SHALL FIND
Invest some time alone, figuring out what works for you. Education begins at home, and this kind of homework really pays off later.
Keep in Mind:
After high school, it's cool to do your homework.
CHOOSING A MAJOR
Just like freshman year of college—start by trying everything that might interest you. You can decide your main course of study closer to graduation.
BATHROOM STUDIES 101
Every single woman needs to have a shower massager.
Because it's detachable.
(A word to the not-so-wise: Watch the water temperature, honey.)
BUYING A BOYFRIEND
Go to the adult toy store, with three straightfaced girlfriends if necessary, and purchase plastic boyfriend parts, with batteries or without.
(Ask for something with “rabbit ears.” Don't ask why, just ask for it.)
DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!
Keep in Mind:
Ultimately, intercourse is not supposed to remain a one-person sport. (These are an aid, ladies, not a life partner.)
FINDING A TUTOR
There also exists the kind of man that will teach you everything you ever needed to know about your own physiology, but had no idea of what to ask. If you're lucky enough to run across one, be a good student.
SPECIAL ED CLASSES
If you are looking for some suggestions, answers, explanations or information, remember that videos, movies, cable television, and the Internet aren't just for thirteen-year-old boys.
THE GOLDEN RULE
Never fake it.
No matter how hard you're trying to achieve orgasm, there is no need and no reason to
ever
fake it.
This does neither you nor your partner any good.
The Boy Code
A few words about how the other half lives, and how the other team plays…so you can be a more informed opponent.
