The Girl Code (10 page)
DATES BEFORE 5
P.M
.
Setting up lunches, coffees, museums, or walks through the park are wonderful ways to start a slow-motion courtship. It sets a boundary—and implies you're not interested in “nighttime activities” until further notice.
THROWING A SECOND-DEGREE PASS
Calling a man, rather than waiting for him to call you, is more to the point. This helps you figure out where you stand within five days, because if he returns the call and makes the date, you know he's game.
PHONE RATIONS
If he calls you first and you're trying to decide how long to wait before calling him back, keep the following in mind: Call whenever the hell you want.
Unless you're dating a man in Los Angeles:
Then double the amount of time it took
him
to call
you.
SELECTED DIALING
However, if a man has called you once for a date and you call him within the first hour of his message to you or try him like a desperado all day long until you get him on the phone, the pass will be fouled out.
THROWING A THIRD-DEGREE PASS
This would be asking a man to come home with you. If you're not intending to sleep with him, you want to make that clear before you leave together. But if your intention is to hook up, you just saved yourself a lot of time.
GOING IN FOR THE KILL
Although it's usually the man who attempts kissing you first, and initiating everything that comes afterward, if he's circling too long before taking the plunge, feel free to take matters into your own hands. Short-term, you may risk emasculating him; long-term, neither of you will care.
A WORD ON BEER GOGGLES
Be aware that alcohol can impair your vision and judgment so badly that you may not realize you're making moves on a cretin or sociopath. This is the time to go back to your wingman and trust her if she tells you to move on.
Remember:
Two eyes are always better than none in the bar.
“The thing you want the most in life will be the hardest thing you ever do, so you might as well shoot big.”
—PATRICIA FARR (MY MOTHER)
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS
Women's intuition works in one direction only: If you think he's a good guy, you might be wrong…but if you think he's a bad guy, you are most definitely right.
FIRST-DATE “IN CASES”
First:
Have your own transportation and your own cash in case everything goes wrong.
Second:
Have three prepared questions and three rehearsed stories in case the conversation lapses.
Third:
Have an escape plan—somewhere you have to be (really early) in the morning—in case you need an emergency exit.
THE NUMBERS GAME
If he has your home phone number, don't give him the address. If he has your work number, don't give him your home one. If he takes you out of town for the day, ask for a phone number where people can reach you. If he thinks you're weird, then maybe he isn't. It's always better to be safe than sorry.
ZONING LAWS
On your first date, your hands communicate the important messages.
Touching between the wrist and the biceps are signs of warmth, yet not leading.
Touching the inside of hand, cheek, neck, and feet are considered making a move.
Touching the lower thigh, top of hand, waist, or back of head are just plain confusing.
Any place not mentioned indicates you want to have sex within the hour.
TAKE ‘EM OFF THE MENU
There are many food items you should avoid on first dates. Here's a quick guide of things to skip:
Italian:
No linguine, cappelline, or fettuccine
Pizza:
Toppings are not your friend
Indian:
Those foods with awesome powers over your bowels that may take effect before you get home
Seafood:
Any crustacean that requires you to use your hands in order to eat it
BLUE BLOODS
When you ask your date where he went to college and instead of a name he tells you, “New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, or Boston,” it means he went to an Ivy League school.
The following rules apply:
Do not drink white wine with dinner,
Do not have more than two glasses of red,
Do not sleep with him for at least three months, and
Do not talk about nude photos of yourself
POWER MATING
When your dinner conversation feels more like a job interview and you sense that he is trying to decide if your assets will enhance his social or financial portfolio enough that he should bother to take himself off the market, run for the door: Dating is not supposed to be a power struggle. You lose this one even when you win.
CHECK DIPLOMACY
On the first date, it's always best to offer to pay for half, for several reasons:
(1)
If you want to be an equal, then you should act like one
(2)
It calms his fears about needy women
(3)
If he lets you, you know you should probably just get out now
(4)
It keeps him wondering whether or not you're interested
THE UGLY UNDERWEAR RULE
If you really want to hook up on a first date, wear your ugliest underwear. Inevitably, you'll hook up.
THE UNSHAVEN LEGS RULE
If you apply this and the ugly underwear rule at the same time, you'll probably marry the guy.
R.K.
When the date is over and you think you like him but you're still not exactly sure, a little
R
ecreational
Kissing
probably won't hurt him or you.
And
…it may help answer that question of whether you're interested.
I.R.K.
Irresponsible Recreational Kissing is when you make out with him because you foolishly think you have to or when you already know you're not interested and just aren't mature enough to say so.
PICK UP AFTER YOURSELF
If a girlfriend was kind enough to loan you an outfit for this important evening out, make sure you dry-clean it immediately. Don't keep it, thinking you have some nostalgic right to adopt it. Return it—cleaned—by next weekend, or you could karmicly damage the date you just had. (Not really, but return her damn clothes anyway.)
“Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven.”
—JOHN MILTON
LOOSE WOMEN 101
If you want a one-night stand with any man, at any time, for any reason, if it's cool with you—then more power to you. But let's go over the basics:
(1)
Don't expect a meaningful relationship with him afterward
(2)
Don't expect the sex to be above average
(3)
If he's been your good friend for a long time, you can pretty much kiss the friendship good-bye
(4)
Don't get emotional about him just before, midway through, or ever after
(5)
Don't bother wasting any time regretting it
NO-SPOONING ZONE
If you take a guy home and have your way with him immediately, do not attempt to curl up and cuddle afterward. Men don't like cuddling anyway; he certainly doesn't want to bother with the warrior princess who just slayed him.
SLUMBER-FREE ZONE
One-night stands are not slumber parties, ladies; this was about one thing only. You weren't invited to sleep over, so get while the getting's good.
THE REVOLVING DOOR
If you brought him home to your house, don't be afraid to show him the door when you're done.
Nice girls can ask a man to leave. Smile as you say: “Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.”
LIMB SNACKING
When you fail to follow the rules of leaving immediately, you will wake up in the morning and realize that you now have to chew your arm off to sneak out without waking the beast.
No matter what,
they never look as good in the morning.
