The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (15 page)

4. Teens have the right to know that sex is more than intercourse.
Because intercourse gets touted as the “ultimate sex act,” it takes on an importance all out of proportion to its pleasure potential. Many have described the resulting “is that all?” moment during their first experience of intercourse.

I lost my virginity at 20, and found the actual act pretty disappointing. Before that, I’d always enjoyed being sexual with a partner because at some point we’d do something that would make me climax. It seems like once penetration entered the mix, the other stuff got left by the wayside, and I didn’t get as much pleasure out of it.

I was 15. I was full of raging hormones but most boys were pretty disappointing once it got down to the actual fucking. I think the touching, dry humping, hickeys, and making out were more fun.

Sex is generally more exciting and satisfying when it involves a variety of full-body activities. If only we all could view intercourse as one option among many, teens and adults could enjoy a healthier, happier range of sexual experiences.

I was just 18 and so was she. We were both in our final school year. The early experiences involved oral sex, mutual masturbation, and heavy petting, but no intercourse because we were both terrified of the risk of pregnancy and would have to have relied upon condoms (also, attitudes were very different in 1962). However, we were sexually quite uninhibited and we managed to work in a lot of variety and have a pretty good sex life.

I was 15 years old, and the experiences were mostly wonderful. I “only” had oral sex because I was afraid of getting pregnant.

I first had sex at 14, with an older boy. When I lost my virginity, I thought, “Thank God I finally got that over with! Now I can have some real fun!” In the next few weeks we tried everything I could think of that sounded appealing at the time. I was completely insatiable and wanted to do it with everyone everywhere in every way.

When sex is defined exclusively as intercourse, many youth are left believing that other sexual activities “don’t count” as sex, and are somehow less risky than intercourse. Because they’re not getting thorough safe-sex instruction, they aren’t learning that unprotected oral and anal sex can transmit a variety of STDs. Currently, one out of four sexually active teens contracts an STD. Let’s give our kids the gift of sexual health by teaching them all the facts.

I lost my virginity at age 17, with a boy, at a summer college-level program for high-school juniors. We had been given a safe-sex lecture earlier in the week—I bless those organizers every day. Thanks to them I know about the morning-after pill and much, much more. Also thanks to them my roommate had some free condoms in her drawer.

5. Teens have the right to realistic expectations.
The media (advertisements, popular magazines, movies, music videos) usually depicts sex as glamorous, effortlessly hot, mutually satisfying, risk-free, enjoyed largely by beautiful people—and perfect when you’re in love. It’s disconcerting at best, and painfully disillusioning at worst, to discover that sex can be messy, awkward, embarrassing, logistically challenging, painful, one-sided, worrisome, and not always perfect—even with the one you love.

My sexual experiences were characterized by the insane thinking that if I felt strongly enough about someone then they would come to feel the same way and all would be good. Rarely…nope…never happened that way. So I spent time chasing a dream and missing out on reality.

My first sexual experience was when I was 18. I hated it. It was horrible…hurried and in the back of a friend’s car during a church swimming social. I wondered that religious empires had crumbled and political careers toppled for sex.

I had my first sexual experience when I was about 22 years old. I was very nervous and almost did NOT go through with it. I convinced myself to pretend that I was Ron Jeremy and just go for it! Even after that, I didn’t really understand all the “hype” about sex since I didn’t orgasm from intercourse for the first few months that my girlfriend and I were having sex.

6. Teens have the right to make responsible choices.
What you don’t know
can
hurt you, and teens who are not given full access to the tools and information to make their own decisions about sexual health are being abandoned to a game of roulette by the very adults hoping to “protect” them. If teens are told they simply shouldn’t be sexual, they’re more vulnerable to being swept up in the moment without making adequate preparations for safer sex or contraception. Like all too many adults, teens left to their own devices are willing to take a chance, assuming “it won’t happen to me.”

I wasn’t expecting to “get lucky,” and needless to say, I wasn’t prepared. The young lady and I worried for a week (until her period). But the strain broke up the relationship.

I was 16. Backseat of my boyfriend’s parents’ station wagon. It was spontaneous, and we had no condoms, but were really wrapped up in the moment. So…we used a baggie that had held his sandwich that day at school. It was great! It only got better (as did our protection)!

7. Teens have the right to sexual equality.
The double standard regarding boys’ and girls’ sexuality doesn’t seem to be breaking down: Promiscuous boys are admired by their peers, promiscuous girls are seen as slutty; boys should play the field and gain experience, while girls should save themselves till marriage. Girls are rarely encouraged to negotiate sex on their own terms. This lack of agency, combined with the message that good girls only have sex with someone they truly love, leaves girls vulnerable to being manipulated or pressured into sex.

I think my first sexual experience with a partner happened when I was about 13, with a boy who essentially wheedled me into it. I resisted every step of the way, with him whining about how his balls hurt and it was my fault, and he needed to screw me to relieve himself. There was no foreplay involved—I don’t remember even knowing about foreplay until I was in college.

My first time was at 17 with my boyfriend at the time. He was my first everything. I didn’t want to do it, but he kept bugging me, so I said okay. We did it in his friend’s spare room. I was less than thrilled and very disappointed. We never really were sexually
compatible. He wanted it all of the time, while I did too, but not with him.

Let’s foster sexual self-esteem in girls from an early age so that they are able to stand up for themselves. Let’s teach both boys and girls respect for themselves and their partners. Let’s encourage alternatives to intercourse, so that horny kids can go home and masturbate!

I think in the beginning I was too wrapped up in whether or not my partner was having a good time, then I finally thought, “Screw that!” I started making sure I had a good time!

8. Teens have the right to sexual diversity.
Many of our survey respondents described their first same-sex encounters as enlightening and affirming.

When I was first having sex at age 20, it was surprising and confusing. It only got really great after I came out and realized there was nothing wrong with me. It was the sex of the partner I was with that made all the difference.

I started having sex with a partner at the age of 22. She was also the first woman I was with (I’ve never had sex with a man). It was interesting because I had had several “romantic friendships” with women that didn’t include sexual activity, so the first time I was with a woman who wanted to be sexual I didn’t even ask many questions…I practically threw myself at her.

Teaching tolerance for sexual diversity is not usually included in most sex ed curriculums, and as a result queer youth often find that peers make their lives hell.

Teenagers are very sexual, but still unimaginative and not at all accepting of different sexualities. I’m continually surprised by how much something as well covered in the media as GLBTQ [gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and questioning] is handled so immaturely by my peers.

High schools are notoriously unforgiving places to be “different,” which plays a role in the high incidence of depression and suicide among gay teens. With next to no support from politicians, religious leaders, parents, and teachers, teens are left to seek community on their own. Fortunately, today many are finding support and validation on the Web.

At 10 I kissed my female best friend passionately in front of both my parents. They flipped out! That has always stayed with me. The gay male community has given me allies and helped me develop self-confidence.

9. Teens have the right to consent.
Every individual deserves freedom from sexual abuse and coercion. If we raise our children with self-respect, encourage critical thinking, and provide accurate sex information, they’ll be less vulnerable to sexual exploitation by adults or peers. Youth who are sexually empowered are better equipped to say no to nonconsensual sex.

When I was 15 I lost my virginity. I had only kissed for the first time weeks before, and I didn’t want to have sex. It was in a park during the day. My boyfriend put a lot of pressure on me, and I was very naive and shy at the time. The next time we did it, I was crying and I asked him not to do it, but he just asked me if I wanted him to come or not.

Sadly, many children are sexually abused and many teens sexually assaulted despite their ability to say no. See the section on Surviving Sexual Abuse and Assault below for a discussion of steps to take toward reclaiming a healthy sexuality.

10. Teens have the right to resources.
Even adults with the best intentions may never get the opportunity to answer teens’ sex questions. After all, parents can be the last people teens want to turn to. One teen expressed this sentiment: “I wanted to hear about sex; I just couldn’t figure out how to ask the questions.” Make resources available to the youth in your life, whether providing them with books, bookmarking websites, or encouraging them to talk with trusted aunts, uncles, or friends.

Sometime after my “starched sheets” began to appear, I found some sex “how to” books left lying around. I thought I had found secret treasure, of course, but I came to realize they had been planted.

Books that assured me there were other lesbians on the planet literally saved my life. Some brave soul had put a copy of
Lesbian Woman
in the school library. At the time I knew there was a word for it, but I didn’t know there were books!

I read a lot of fiction as a kid, some of it quite explicit, and I found that informative too. Novels and fiction also made it quite clear that sex was meant to be fun and enjoyable. Perhaps the factor that most made “sex is fun” clear to me was the fact that I knew as a kid/teenager that my parents were still having sex.

Positive Experiences

Let’s face it: First sexual experiences, like first anything, are bound to be awkward, no matter how well prepared you are. Cut yourself some slack, learn as you go, and don’t judge yourself too harshly. As these survey respondents make clear, those discovery-filled, ecstatic first sexual encounters may one day come to hold a very special place in your heart.

The first time I saw a hard-on, I wanted to get down on my knees and worship! It was so powerful and beautiful. I was 16, my partner was 27. Intercourse was like coming home. It was grand!

I was 15—sex was awkward and misdirected, but totally empowering. Those experiences gave me more confidence in the power of my female body and educated me in what I want and need to feel good.

I was 20 years old when I first had a partner. Oral sex was my first experience. It wasn’t scary at all but exciting. He didn’t “attack me” as some young men tend to do in their enthusiasm. The first time I didn’t swallow. The next time, I did. I loved it. This was in the early eighties when we were barely aware of AIDS.

I lost my virginity at 13 to another 13-year-old. It was really, really fun and felt really good. Not mind-blowing, but good.

I was 14, he was 15. We’d played around some, gone down on each other a couple of times, and were very much in love and committed to each other. We had some time alone, and decided we were pretty sure we were ready, so he pulled out his good-luck coin and we agreed that heads he got head and tails he got tail. It came up tails. We were both braced for the first penetration to be painful; I will never, ever, ever forget the look on his face or the feeling in my body when we realized simultaneously that (probably as a result of my experimenting over the last couple of years) there was nothing in the way, and it wasn’t hurting at all, and it was glorious. It was exactly what a first time should feel like.

I first had sex aged 17, with my first boyfriend. We’d only been together ten days but I’ve always been quite uninhibited as far as my body was concerned, and my virginity had never been charged with meaning. It was a very good experience even though there was no “love” involved, I took pleasure and it didn’t hurt. Even though I didn’t stay with the boy long, I think it was the perfect time for me. I wish there wasn’t so much meaning given to the loss of one’s virginity, especially with girls, because it just encourages guilt and regrets. I’m glad I was raised in a guilt-free environment when it comes to sex because that’s what made my first time so enjoyable.