The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (16 page)

I was already 19 when I started having sex. The very first time I did it was in a nightclub, in the kitchen, on the wooden cutting board. I had been with the guy for nearly six months and I ached for him from the time we met. We did it for 3 hours straight and I remember thinking that I wanted to feel that pleasure all the time from then on. I remember the feeling of his tongue gliding across my nether regions and shuddering with amazement at how great it felt. I think about it to this day, and he and I are still very good friends.

Where I grew up, early sexual experiences were common. I was 13 and it was in the wash room in the projects with a sweet girl named Ruby. The experiences were clumsy and quick and there was always the chance of discovery. There was no guilt because I guess that was the culture. I didn’t really learn to make love until I was in my 40s; before that it was all about sex and myself.

I chose to give my virginity to the first man I truly loved when I was 14 (he was 21). I procured birth control pills and used them. We made love as a goodbye—he was leaving the country to avoid military service. Instead of leaving right away, though, he stayed on so we could try it a few more times and get it right.

My first time was at 16 and was a one-night-stand with a guy I met in a night club—he was very handsome and it just happened. I went back to his place and had a lot of fun. I think I learned a lot of positions in that one night! I was careful and used a condom that unfortunately split, and I had to go to the doctor for emergency contraception, but it turned out okay.

My first sexual experiences were exciting. I was daring and loved to be outdoors at night. I was 18 and still lived at home so we would go drive out in the country and find a secluded spot. There is something so liberating about being naked under the stars.

I started having sex at 14, with a 17-year-old girlfriend, and it was a wonderful experience. We were together a little over two years, and explored all sorts of things—fucking, mutual masturbation, anal sex, oral sex, bondage, pornography, and sex toys. I always keep this in mind when people get in hysterics about teenagers having sex, because I know it was a great experience for me that taught me a lot.

Coming Out

Coming out is the process of openly acknowledging aspects of our sexual natures that we’d been either unaware of or unwilling to accept before. It can be one of the most thrilling, empowering events of our sexual lives—and at the same time one of the most frightening. While the term “coming out” is commonly associated with acknowledging a specific sexual orientation, many of us go through a coming-out process simply in identifying ourselves as sexual beings with our own unique sexual desires.

I feel I’ve always had a strong libido, but in junior high and high school I suppressed most of my desires and curiosities because I was Mormon. As a Mormon I was taught that sex should be saved for when I’m married and even experimenting was not allowed. Once I got married at 19, I still felt fearful of sex in some ways, though my husband was very loving and patient. When I was 25 I had a close friend show some sexual interest toward me and that was the catalyst to my sexual awakening. It caused me to realize I am a sexual being who enjoys sex and it fueled my desire to discover all I could about sex. I got on the Internet and read many books and websites and learned all I could.

For some people, coming out is a one-time experience of naming a particular sexual identity.

As I’ve aged, my sex drive has increased. This may be due to the fact that I didn’t come out as gay until I was in my early forties. After I finally admitted to myself who and what I am, I found I could finally enjoy sex.

Others come out in a variety of ways as their sexuality evolves over time. In a culture that expects people to settle on one gender identity and one sexual identity, it takes courage to refuse categorization.

Coming out at 17 was quite painless, no big deal at all. When I met my first girlfriend it was so much better than anything I’d had before that I assumed I must be a lesbian. It was two years before I admitted to myself that I was still attracted to men. The process of realizing I was bi was very hard. My girlfriend was not happy; she felt that she couldn’t be enough for me if I wanted men too, and I felt guilty for admitting that I was bi after all.

Whether you are coming out as straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, polyamorous, monogamous, vanilla, interested in S/M, or in any other way, we want to praise you! Coming out is a bold and liberating experience with almost unlimited potential to enhance your life. After all, when you feel ashamed or secretive about a part of yourself as deeply personal as your sexual responses and desires, it can lead to shame and self-doubt in every other part of your life. When you accept, name, and celebrate your authentic sexual self, it can have a profoundly transformative effect on your whole life.

When I started seeing women, jump back world! I got saucy, stopped apologizing for anything, thought I was the best lover in the world—spent some time as a femmy stone butch and loved making women come five, six, seven times in a row…then I grew confident enough to also surrender, to be taken, to laugh and cry. By the time I was 25 I felt pretty confident sexually, and it feels like it just keeps getting better and better.

I was very turned off and frightened by the idea when my online lover first broached the topic of S/M. Since then, I have come to see it as a most magical way of connecting to another human being, trusting absolutely, focusing on giving and receiving in different ways from the conventional. We talk about each scene for many days afterward, exploring the feelings and insights that we got from it.

Family-Building

Sex and Conception

Whether you build a family “the old-fashioned way,” or with the help of reproductive technologies, or through adoption, your sex life will be affected. Trying to create a family is a physiological and emotional process that inevitably has consequences for your sexual sense of self.

If you conceive unintentionally, you may be pleasantly surprised and filled with unexpected pride in your body, or you may feel overwhelmed and betrayed by your body. Up to 20 percent of clinically confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage, which can result in a devastating sense of loss, guilt, or shame. You should know that sexual activity does not “cause” miscarriage, as most miscarriages occur as a result of chromosomal abnormalities in the embryo or fetus.

My lover and I had a miscarriage a few years ago. I did not know I was pregnant until we miscarried. We had been using birth control. The first time I saw him (long-distance relationship) after the miscarriage, I felt that having sex was wrong. I was utterly floored by the idea that something had lived and died inside of me in the previous six weeks. I felt that sex would be disrespectful to our lost child. My body had become (to me) something that created and killed another soul. Basically, I felt immensely guilty for having had a miscarriage and I was punishing myself for it. After lengthy discussions and crying, I was able to accept that my body was not “bad” for having lost a child, and my sex life went back to normal.

If you’re in a heterosexual partnership and trying to conceive, you may struggle with the sense that timed intercourse is oppressively countererotic. If you’re conceiving via reproductive technologies, you have to accept that conception involves, not sex, but a whole host of medical personnel. If you’re among the estimated 10 percent of men and women in their reproductive years who are dealing with infertility, you face challenging issues of disappointment, failure, anger, guilt, blame, and sorrow that necessarily overlap into the sexual realm. And if you adopt, you have to be prepared to invite total strangers into your home to assess your fitness as a parent. While a discussion of all the ways in which family-building impacts your sexuality is beyond the scope of this book, you’ll find it covered it greater depth in our book
The Mother’s Guide to Sex
.

Sex and Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a time of enormous physical change and more than its fair share of discomfort. Your entire body is in a state of expansion: Your heart pumps more blood; your lungs take in more air; the ligaments in your pelvic girdle soften and stretch; your uterus increases in volume a thousand times; and your breasts swell with developing milk glands. The first trimester can be accompanied by nausea and fatigue, while subsequent months can bring leg cramps, backaches, water retention, heartburn, hemorrhoids, and more. Plenty of women find that their interest in sex nose-dives during pregnancy.

I thought both morning sickness and my low sex drive could be conquered by mind over matter. Well, guess what? You can’t fool Mother Nature!

During my pregnancy, I didn’t even want a man to look at me, much less touch me in any sexual way.

Others find that their sexual desire ascends to new heights. Levels of estrogen, which enhance feelings of well-being, libido, and general sensitivity, rise during pregnancy. Freedom from birth control, a greater sense of connection with a partner, and pride in your newfound body’s creative potential can all be highly arousing:

My daughter changed everything for me. During my pregnancy, I was insatiable when it came to sex. Maybe it was the hormones, maybe it was the knowledge that I couldn’t get “more” pregnant. Whatever caused it, my poor husband thought I was going to kill him. My skin was more sensitive, orgasm was so much easier, and so much better for me. I think another part was that I didn’t have a reason to be self-conscious about my body. The weight I gained was for our child, not because I sat around eating bonbons all day.

Being pregnant was a wonderful experience sexually for me and my husband…we really started building the trust then, I think; and I found the hormones during the middle to late months made me feel aroused quite often. My husband loved my shape, the breasts, the belly.

My breasts went from a size 36B to a 38EE. We joked about my porn-star boobs, but boy were they fun to play with. Suddenly they were everywhere—I could drag them all over my lover’s body. I didn’t have to bend over so far to get them in his mouth and he loved fucking them with his cock.

During both pregnancies I became very horny—I think it had a lot to do with not worrying about getting pregnant. Plus my breasts were bigger and more sexually sensitive. It didn’t hurt that my partner found me irresistible and was always caressing me.

As an added bonus, the physiological and hormonal changes of pregnancy effect an erotic transformation of your genitals. By the second trimester, increased blood flow engorges the erectile tissues of your vulva, while increased levels of estrogen pump up your vaginal secretions. If you’re willing to experiment with the new methods of stimulation that your temporarily “new” genitals might require, you may enjoy new realms of sexual sensation. Many pregnant women report that the increased blood flow to their genitals results in greater arousal and stronger orgasm. Others become aware for the first time of uterine contractions during orgasm—these grow stronger throughout pregnancy as your uterus grows more sensitive to oxytocin, a hormone released during orgasm, which also later initiates the contractions of labor.

When I was pregnant, I came during penetration, which was the only time that ever occurred in my life and it hasn’t happened since. (That was FUN!!!) Sex was much better after I had a child, and now at 35, it’s even more enjoyable even though my body is less “objectively” beautiful from pregnancy and aging.

During pregnancy, my orgasms were sublime—especially in the last two or three months. I can’t describe the feeling of a pregnant orgasm. The entire uterus is involved; peaceful waves of pleasure radiate from just under the breastbone down.

Of course, pregnancy also presents challenges. Anxiety about the life changes you’re facing may short-circuit desire. If you’re partnered, you may face desire discrepancies. Your best bet is to cultivate compassion and to recognize that both you and your partner have the right to your individual feelings. If you can approach your different desire levels with a spirit of flexibility, you’re more likely to come up with ways to get your needs met and sustain intimacy.

I turned 30 and was pregnant with my third child. After the first trimester, I couldn’t think about anything but sex. Unfortunately, my partner was on a different wavelength, so I went through a lot of batteries.

One of the benefits to being pregnant was being forced to discover new ways to have sex. We tried out an inflatable pillow, which we still use, to keep pressure off my back. When I wasn’t in the mood for intercourse, we’d strike provocative poses and masturbate for each other. And often just having my partner stroke my body while we kissed was a powerful form of erotic intimacy.

Keep in mind that each pregnancy will be different:

During my first pregnancy, I was so hormone driven I would wait at the front door most days to pounce on my husband. During the second one, I had no interest. I thanked him for the sperm donation and then met with him after the delivery!

Whatever your level of desire during pregnancy, you should know that sexual activity poses no threat to a normal healthy pregnancy. The fetus lies cushioned by amniotic fluid and well-protected by the uterus, and won’t be harmed by penetration or orgasm. An exception would be if you’re at risk for premature labor, in which case you’ll be advised to avoid vaginal intercourse and orgasm during the last trimester of your pregnancy, as there’s a slight chance the uterine contractions of orgasm could induce labor. Similarly, if you have a history of miscarriage or a medical condition such as placenta previa, you’ll be advised to avoid both penetration and orgasm.