The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (25 page)

PROFILES
in
PLEASURE:

Jack Morin

“The messy reality
is that it’s harder to
have good sex with
someone you love.”

“T
he messy reality is that it’s harder to have good sex with someone you love,” explains Jack Morin. Huh? But what about the idea that finding one’s true love will automatically lead to a lifetime full of satisfying, combustible sex? Jack, a psychotherapist, simply refers to this as our “hearts and flowers” mentality. In truth, relationships, sex, and eroticism are infinitely more complicated.

In his groundbreaking book,
The Erotic Mind,
Jack explores the many paradoxes intrinsic in eroticism, offering readers much-needed perspective and validation for the complexities of their erotic natures. After years of counseling clients in his therapy practice, Jack realized something was amiss with Masters and Johnson’s–style sex therapy, which was based on the premise that removing all the obstacles within a relationship would lead to great sex. Jack noticed that this “neat and clean” approach to relationships ignored the reality that, in many cases, obstacles such as guilt or anxiety could actually function as aphrodisiacs. “Anything that turns us off can potentially turn us on, and vice versa,” explains Jack. In other words, eliminating all problematic elements from one’s erotic life can rob it of its zest.

For example, many people associate sex with guilt as a result of growing up in a sex-negative culture. One might think eradicating guilt would benefit our sex lives, but in fact the guilt that accompanies rule-breaking is a powerful aphrodisiac—think about the intensity of sexual experiences that involve the fear of getting caught (children exploring masturbation, adults enjoying sex in a public place). Learning to embrace or incorporate some of these turn-ons in a healthy way can help couples keep the spark alive.

Couples in long-term relationships are often perplexed by the fact that sexual desire can dissipate rather than escalate as they become closer and more compatible. According to Jack, some individuals begin to lose their sense of “otherness,” foregoing controversy for the sake of keeping the relationship on an even keel. “One of the best things you can do for your sex life is to not downplay differences, to not shy away from disagreements and arguments,” says Jack. “It reminds you that you’re not with a reflection of yourself, there’s another person there. It’s that otherness that is so fundamental to attraction.”

Identifying these seeming contradictions and coming to terms with them is incredibly difficult for people, according to Jack. “It’s very disturbing to people, because if we could, none of would design sex this way. We would make it so that when we developed more intimate relationships with higher cooperation and mutual respect, sex would get better!”

In addition to exploring the origins of some of our more powerful turn-ons, Jack also offers advice for couples on honing their communication skills. Learning how to tell your partner what you want sexually is one of the most challenging and rewarding skills couples can develop. Many people find it difficult either because they harbor a romantic notion that their partner will intuitively know how to please them or, more commonly, because they’re afraid of hurting a partner’s feelings. “Part of this comes from a natural protectiveness that we feel toward our partners. We don’t want to hurt them or put them down, so we keep our mouths shut, to the detriment of the sexual relationship.” As a way of getting couples to share the information, Jack encourages his clients to describe one or more ideal scenarios of a sexual encounter.

Curious about what Jack’s currently up to? Visit his website,
www.malebeautyproject.com
.

CHAPTER 6

Masturbation

You would be hard-pressed to find anyone more enthusiastic about masturbation than we are. Why sing the praises of an activity most people can’t even admit doing?

We think masturbation should be the national pastime: It feels good; it’s healthy; it’s natural; it’s free; it’s legal; it’s your birthright; it’s easy to do; it’s convenient; it’s voluntary; you can do it alone; you can do it with someone; it’s educational; it’s a unique form of self-expression; it’s relaxing; it’s invigorating; it builds self-confidence and self-esteem; it’s creative; it’s ageless, colorless, genderless—the list could go on for pages.

These days, masturbation is often referred to as “solo sex” or “self-loving.” While we appreciate the existence of a larger sexual vocabulary, and we will use these words for variety’s sake, we’re standing up for the word
masturbate!
Enough of those clinicians or authors who find the word dry, technical, or tainted by a sordid past. We’re liberating it from its oppressive history and embracing it in word as well as practice!

To Know Me Is to Love Me

Here are just a few excellent reasons to masturbate regularly:

It’s Natural

Despite a wide range of cultural taboos, there is nothing unnatural about masturbation. You’re born with all the equipment. Ultrasound images have shown a fetus masturbating (touching his genitals with fingers) in the womb. Children, those little barometers of all things biological—that is, unlearned—do it with no instruction and often before they’re even talking. They touch their genitals because it brings them physical pleasure, just as scratching an itch would:

My earliest memory of touching myself is when I was still in a crib, on my stomach, with a blanket rolled between my legs—rocking myself with my hand underneath me on my genitalia through the blanket. My mom said she caught me doing this at six months old!

At age five I discovered this great way to feel good. I called it “tickling” myself.

My sister, who is five years my senior, taught me to masturbate when I was around 5. I had no concept of sex at the time and used to masturbate to the alphabet!

Unfortunately, many of us were raised with misinformation, guilt, and pleasure-phobic attitudes about masturbation. As adults, we’d do well to note childhood experience (either by affirming our own children’s practice or by conjuring up memories of our own, or both) in our efforts to embrace masturbation. Our survey question that resulted in the most voluminous as well as the most colorful, enlightening, and humorous responses asked people to recount their earliest memories of self-pleasuring.

If you are still not convinced that masturbation is natural, remember that in 1972 the American Medical Association declared masturbation a normal sexual activity.

Masturbation Is the Basis for Good Sex

What better way to learn about your anatomy and sexual responsiveness than by masturbating? We are all unique sexual beings, and masturbation will teach you just what type of stimulation feels good to you. In fact, sex therapists and other health professionals routinely prescribe masturbation to women and men who want to increase their sexual awareness, desire to break through sexual barriers, or may be experiencing some type of sexual dysfunction. Preorgasmic women are encouraged to masturbate regularly, to experiment with various types of stimulation. Masturbation allows women who are unaccustomed to paying attention to their own sexual responses the time to explore their unique sexual rhythms. Men can gain control over the timing of ejaculation with masturbation methods such as the squeeze technique and the stop/start technique. And partner sex gets that much better when your partner delights in your own pleasure.

The first time I masturbated while my husband fucked me, it was liberating. Letting him watch me do that and seeing that it turned him on, I came so hard that I cried afterward, and he was really moved by that. The lovemaking that followed was just as memorable.

You can improve your own sexual awareness by experimenting with masturbation. Many of the techniques and toys we discuss relate in some way to masturbation. Adding Kegel exercises to your masturbatory ritual will have positive effects on both solo and partner sex. Women pursuing multiple orgasms and men trying to orgasm without ejaculating may enjoy experimenting alone free of performance anxiety. In Betty Dodson’s masturbation training video for women,
Celebrating Orgasm,
she sagely notes, “To get really good at sex, we need to practice for a couple of hours at least once a week.”

Almost all the toys we discuss can enhance or add a new dimension to solo sex. If you’re planning to introduce a toy into partner sex, you might increase your chances of success by playing with it alone first. If you’re buying a toy for a partner, you should encourage her or him to play with it alone as well as with you.

By playing with a toy or practicing a new technique alone first, you spare yourself performance anxiety, frustration, or disappointment when your fondest expectations aren’t fulfilled. One woman’s first masturbation story confirms this:

In my twenties a man friend/lover bought me a battery-operated vibrator and wanted to teach me how to masturbate. He went very slowly and was very patient, but I was embarrassed. Once I relaxed and practiced on my own, I loved it.

Alone, you’re responsible only for your own pleasure, so you’re free to go as slowly or as quickly as you like. You’re more likely to give yourself the time and permission to practice until something works for you. Once you’ve discovered the secrets of success, you can approach partner sex with more confidence.

For instance, let’s say you’re the proud new owner of a Hitachi Magic Wand and would like to use it with your partner, but you’re not quite sure how. Play hooky from work to try your toy out alone (how liberating to take a day off to masturbate!). Use it as many ways as your imagination permits, but wait to use it on your clitoris or penis last. Press it against different parts of your body and notice where you get an erotic charge. Maybe on the back of your neck, the inside of your thigh, or your nipples. Vary the speed and pressure, stop and start the vibrator, lie on top of it. When you place the vibrator on your genitals, pay as much attention to what doesn’t feel good as to what does. After you’ve had a delightful afternoon (or several) with your new toy, you’re in a better position to orchestrate a fun toy tango with your partner. You can begin by describing all the ways you like to play with the toy. Let your partner maneuver the vibrator while watching your reactions, or vice versa. Try exploring the unique ways two bodies can enjoy a vibrator. Two women can nestle the vibrator between them. A man can enjoy indirect vibrations if he uses the vibrator to stimulate his partner’s clitoris while he is penetrating her. Are you catching on?

Here’s another example: Perhaps you’ve always wanted to dress your penis up in one of those sexy leather cock-and-ball toys, but you’re not sure whether you’d be comfortable showing it off to your partner. Plant yourself somewhere comfortable and try it out. Practice putting it on and removing it so that it becomes second nature; if it’s adjustable, try out the different options till you discover the right fit. Admire yourself in front of the mirror, don’t be afraid to strut your stuff! Use a variety of touches, caresses, and strokes on your penis and testicles, so that you can share these with your partner later. You’re discovering the pleasure potential of your new toy and gaining confidence using it, putting you in a much better position to introduce the “new you” to your partner.

Are you ready to call in sick? Well, if that doesn’t seem likely, remember that another advantage of masturbation, as one woman reminds us, is that you can do it discreetly almost anywhere:

When I go to lunch at work, I’ll go to the nearby park to eat and listen to the radio in my car. Several times now I’ve started thinking about my “needs” and I’ve masturbated in the car in the park. There aren’t many people there, but the thought of someone “catching” me or “watching me” really excites me. The orgasms from that are a great stress relief in the middle of the day.

Masturbation: Freedom of Sexual Expression

I like to be sexual every day, with either myself or someone else.

When I’m in a relationship I masturbate regularly as a gift to myself.

Every time you masturbate, you’re asserting your identity as a sexual person. Masturbation is sex. If you believe you’re only being sexual when you’re with a partner, you’re missing out on an entirely satisfying, fulfilling aspect of your sexual self.

And every time you masturbate, you actively cast off those repressive attitudes about sex instilled in you by parents, teachers, friends, priests, aunts, uncles, counselors, therapists, politicians, and the media. You’re not going to go blind; you aren’t “wasting your seed”; you’re not frigid; you aren’t being punished; you won’t get a disease. You’re celebrating your sexuality
and
practicing safe sex. Give yourself a hand! For many of us, it was a strong sex drive and a sense of humor that helped us survive our formative years:

During my elementary-school years, I was in Catholic school, and comments made by the nuns made me feel I was committing a sin. So I prayed for God to forgive me while I rocked and rubbed!

I went to a Catholic school where the only sex education we ever received came from a nun one afternoon during the eighth grade. She advised us to try and distract ourselves when we were experiencing “impure” thoughts. Her suggestion (which she admitted worked for her) was to picture, in great detail, a juicy hamburger with all the trimmings! For years, every time I saw a hamburger I got turned on, and every time I got turned on I got hungry!