The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (21 page)

Prerequisites to Good Communication

Know What You Like

Something often overlooked in discussions of sexual communication is the importance of articulating our needs to ourselves. While this may sound a little obvious, it’s actually a crucial first step in the communication process. We don’t expect people to go supermarket shopping without first having some idea of what they want—and if they can’t find something, they must be able to describe it to someone who can assist them.

The same goes for our sexual needs. It’s going to be pretty hard to tell a partner what we want if we aren’t sure ourselves.

It has been difficult for me to let him know what I like. Sometimes I don’t even know, myself.

Ask yourself a few questions about what you want to change: Is your partner touching you in a way that is unpleasant? Is it the motion or the spot? Would you prefer being touched somewhere else or in a different way? If you aren’t sure, you could do a little homework—are you confused about anatomy, sexual response, certain fantasies? Try reading, chatting with a friend, calling a sex-information line, talking to a therapist, or visiting a sex toy store.

The very best way to pinpoint what you like is to concentrate while masturbating. Pay attention to what does or does not feel good so that you can show your partner.

Know What You Need

Your commitment to pursuing what you like in a sexual relationship is just as important. We all have specific sexual needs, so it does no one any good to assume that there is a standard way to have sex. The chance that your lover will know instinctively what you like is slim, so expect that you’re going to have to get vocal at some point. You might want to practice alone first, saying out loud, with specifics, what you want. Imagine different scenarios and practice how you would introduce your concerns. If you’ve got highly specific physical or emotional needs that your partner may not be aware of, don’t assume that he or she will figure them out—be up front and honest, and you’ll both be more comfortable negotiating sex.

When I was pregnant for the first time, my sexual desire dropped off drastically, but my need to be held, caressed, and spoken to lovingly increased dramatically. My partner was incredibly understanding—I got to dictate the terms of our sex life and there was never, ever any pressure from him. In the end, we discovered a new way of being sexual.

This self-assertion is especially vital when orchestrating new sexual relationships, particularly when it comes to issues like safer sex and contraception:

I’ll admit that when I have a new partner I have to negotiate safer sex because most of the women I’ve slept with aren’t used to latex.

If you have familiarized yourself with safer sex practices and have decided ahead of time what activities will or will not be included in your sexual encounters, you are much more likely to get what you want.

Improving Communication

You know what you want—and now you know how to initiate a discussion about sex—but how to tell your partners? It sounds so much easier than it is. There’s always some reason, in the heat of passion, that you decide to keep it to yourself: You don’t want to hurt your partners’ feelings; you don’t want to seem greedy; you’re afraid your partners won’t want to do what you want; you don’t want to shock someone you just met; you don’t want to shock someone you’ve been lovers with for fifteen years. The excuses are endless! But the alternatives to being honest are grim—frustration, boredom, resentment, irritation, and so on.

Some people find it easier to communicate their sexual desires to strangers because their desires aren’t enmeshed with the emotional intimacy experienced with a long-term partner. Others may not feel comfortable sharing the same information until they’ve known someone for a while. Whatever your experience, we hope you’ll benefit from the following suggestions.

In the Bedroom

If you’re fond of the relatively direct, but often misunderstood, nonverbal method, make sure your partner understands what you’re trying to convey. Your lover is rubbing your clit and you moan. Is it a moan of pleasure or irritation? Your lover continues, and you moan louder. Are you signaling encouragement or annoyance? Obviously, moans are not universally understood. Lend a hand to this confusing situation—literally. If your lover is not pleasing you the right way, take your hand and guide your lover’s. If this still doesn’t do the trick, show your lover just how you like it by masturbating while she or he watches, and then have her or him try it again.

During sex I often masturbate and let my partner “help.” This works well and is very satisfying and intimate without the performance anxiety I get when trying to come for somebody else.

Remember that communication also means letting your partner know when the stimulation is oh-so-perfect. Try cheerleading—a simple, one-word exclamation goes a long way. Use your body to convey appreciation in a clear way—arching your back, breathing hard, grabbing hair!

The alternative verbal route is more direct, though often more difficult for people. We’re afraid to add to our lover’s already intense performance anxiety or to appear too demanding. But remember, your partner wants to please you, so your suggestions will most likely be met with enthusiasm. And expressing your needs doesn’t have to be done in a critical way. Compliment your lover on her or his performance of the activity you like, and then ask for more. “Your mouth on my penis feels great, and I’d really love it if you sucked on it a little harder.” If it’s an activity that just doesn’t feel good at all, gently guide your lover’s hand or head somewhere else and say what does feel nice:

I hate to say anything that could sound critical or unappreciative to a woman who is trying so hard to give me pleasure, but it is important to just say “softer,” “slower,” “harder,” or “let’s do something else for a while.” I’ve learned that simple words like these are real easy and effective ways of communicating; they can be used either as a request or as a question. I learned this from a woman who liked to know she was doing it right.

If your partner is not very responsive to your ministrations, ask for feedback or signs of encouragement. Give your lover options, moving from one body part to another, varying pressure or movement, asking what feels good, great, or bad.

It is hard to communicate exactly what I want sometimes, because when I’m aroused, I usually don’t want to talk. And it’s hard to constantly say, “harder, softer, left, no, right, up, down a little.” It’s just hard to be specific enough. I am very sensitive, so there is a fine line between something feeling wonderful and it feeling painful. I have many, many times wished there could be a machine hooked up to me, and it would register whether my pleasure level was up or down, so, without talking, my lover could see what was working or what wasn’t!

Aural Inhibitions

I would like to use my voice more—to allow moans, sighs, and cries to come out naturally rather than suppress them because I’m embarrassed.

You may share this person’s concern. Are you afraid your roommates or neighbors might hear you? Just turn up the volume on your sound system. Are you afraid your partner will think you’re odd if you make noise? If your lover emits pleasurable sounds, chances are he or she will be turned on by yours. To practice, try giving free reign to your vocal chords while masturbating. Have your partner watch, if you like, and then describe to you afterward how it felt to watch you. Or during your next lovemaking session, follow up your partner’s moans with your own sighs of passion. This can be good practice for you, and the “duet” effect can increase excitement for both of you. If your partner is also the silent type, you may discover you’re both suppressing sound for fear of what the other will think—try addressing the subject in a nonsexual setting. You can both engage in the exercises just described. You might also watch a porn video (or a sexy mainstream movie) together. Watch the love scenes with the sound on and then hit the mute button—once you discover how much those sighs of pleasure enhance your viewing, you may be inspired to incorporate them into your personal X-rated moments!

Outside the Bedroom

Of course, there’s far more to sexual communication than just lying in bed and moaning loudly when something feels good or flinching when something annoys you.

Discussing change and introducing new sexual activity can be difficult for couples, yet the rewards are obvious: variety, experimentation, growth, selfdiscovery—all of which can contribute to a more satisfying relationship. This book is all about exploring new kinds of sexual activity, but it is essential for you to think carefully about the hows and whys behind your desire to change. Here are a few things to consider:

MOTIVATION: Why are you contemplating a change in your sexual repertoire? Are you dissatisfied with something? Why do you feel the need to upset your routine? Are you trying to save your relationship? Does your lover feel the same way? Are you trying to change something about your partner? How will your partner react to this suggestion? Are you hot for this activity because everyone else on the block is doing it?

It’s very important to consider the effect your suggestion might have on your partner’s sexual self-image or how you might be adding to his or her performance anxiety. Are you buying your girlfriend a G-spot vibrator because you want her to learn how to have orgasms during intercourse? How does she feel about this? Does it diminish the value or importance of the clitoral orgasms she has? Encourage her to tell you what she thinks about the activity. What do each of you expect to get out of it? Clarifying what you’re really after, and why, should help you figure out the best way to approach your partner.

I tried using a vibrator with a longtime girlfriend. However, she was very shy about it and couldn’t really get into it. It was very awkward introducing it. I think it began by us talking about masturbating and I asked her if she ever used a vibrator. She said no, so I brought one out. We fooled around with it for a while, but it didn’t seem natural.

It sounds like these two were off to a good start, but their embarrassment got the better of them. Perhaps they could have acknowledged their mutual discomfort and talked about what was causing them to feel shy. Perhaps the girlfriend felt intimidated or pressured by the focus on her arousal. It also sounds like the vibrator was a surprise, which might have taken her aback. If they’d been able to clarify their expectations with regard to the vibrator, they might not have approached the experiment so halfheartedly.

INTRODUCING THE SUBJECT: Unless you’re absolutely certain that your lover adores the element of surprise, it’s best to bring the subject up when you’re not in a sexual setting. Just because you think something sounds fun doesn’t necessarily mean your partner will.

Take the example of a woman buying a dildo to use on her girlfriend. She’s been penetrating her lover for years with her fingers, and she figures her girlfriend will love the feeling of a dildo. Plus, she thinks, if she buys a dildo harness to go with it, her fingers will be freed up to explore other areas of her girlfriend’s body. However, when she dons her new garb that special night, her girlfriend recoils in horror, saying she doesn’t want to be fucked by a man.

Had they talked about it first, our intrepid shopper might have explained to her lover that it didn’t even occur to her to impersonate a man; she just wanted to free up her hands, and at the same time please her lover the way she likes. They could have discussed the dildo/penis association and what to do about it, possibly avoiding the whole misunderstanding and ending up with a great new sex toy.

When you
do
bring up your ideas in conversation, try not to be confrontational or demanding. You might introduce the subject by making an observation: “I noticed that you really like having me hold your wrists down during sex. Do you think you might want to be tied up?” Or take the playful approach: “I had this terrific fantasy about the outdoors, some trees, some rope, you…me.” If you’re trying to change a pattern, you might just inquire how it got to be a pattern: “I dreamed about doing it in the stairway, which made me wonder why we always have sex in the same place.” Listen carefully to your partner’s reactions; try to get to the bottom of any reservations or feelings your suggestion may have elicited.

Of course there are times when surprising your partner can pave the way for an explosive sexual encounter. If you’ve discussed the desired activity before and ascertained that it’s something your partner is interested in, by all means take the initiative and plan the event. Just make sure that your partner likes surprises and that you’re planning something he or she might actually enjoy experiencing, not something that’s best kept a fantasy.

You don’t always have the opportunity or the desire to discuss your sex concerns with a partner. If you only recently met someone and aren’t planning on seeing her or him again after an afternoon or evening of sex, you obviously won’t know that much about the person. While it’s still in your best interests to be as direct and specific about your desires as possible, you obviously can’t follow our advice to find out how your partner feels about sex toys before whipping one out from under your bed. There’s certainly nothing to stop you from suggesting the toy or technique to your partner, but obviously if he or she is not receptive, you’re more likely to enjoy the encounter if you’re willing to compromise. You could ask what the reservation is, which might be something you could alleviate quickly with a thorough explanation or reassurance. For example, someone’s eyes might bulge when he or she sees the Magic Wand vibrator, but assurance that it’s not meant for penetration might elicit a sigh of relief.