The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (80 page)

Due to my having very responsive nipples, I like rough nipple play and also like to pinch and lick my own nipples, either during or outside of having sex with a partner.

Nipple stimulation is very, very exciting and also very relaxing. I feel it tingling in my cervix. And if it were being done to me for long enough, I think I could get to an orgasm from this alone.

I love nipple pinching, pressing, and sucking. Love breast stimulation even to the point of it hurting—that actually really gets me hot.

Alligator clips have broad, flat pincers and tighten with a screw adjustment. These fit better on men than women, as they don’t expand enough to stay on larger nipples. Alligator clips are named for their serrated metal pincers, but you should never apply one to your skin unless the pincers are well padded with vinyl. Tweezer clips have two long, slim pincers that slide shut—they are highly expandable and versatile. Japanese clover clamps look something like a metal figure eight with small rubber pads for pincers. Clover clamps are designed so that when you tug on them, the pincers tighten, intensifying sensation. Skirt-hanger clips have wide padded pincers and distribute an achey sensation over a wider surface area.

If you’re experimenting with nipple clamps for the first time, wait until you’re so aroused that pinching and tugging on your nipples with your fingers feels tantalizing, rather than unpleasant. Position the clamp behind the tip of your nipple, rather than right on the tip, where it not only will feel quite uncomfortable, but might fall off. If you’re playing with miniature clothespins or other tiny clamps with a ferocious bite, you might want to position these around the aureola, rather than directly on your nipple. Once your clamps are in place, you make the call as to whether to leave them alone or to mess around with them further.

Nipple clamps—what a turn-on! When they’re flicked, my switches go off!

Women with cystic breasts and women with silicone breast implants should be cautious about using clamps, and all women should be aware that their sensitivity levels may fluctuate with their menstrual cycle, so that a pair of clamps that feels delightful one week could well feel unbearable the next. Similarly, pregnant or nursing women may feel disinclined to play with clamps.

All the nipple clamps described above can easily double as labia, clitoris, foreskin, penis, or scrotum clamps. You’ll probably encounter more people who enjoy having clamps placed on their outer labia or scrotal sac than the more sensitive, nerve-rich clitoris or glans of the penis, but anything’s possible.

A nipple clamp on my clit can be exciting.

Piercing

Although piercing is not an S/M activity per se, there’s some overlap between the S/M community and the body modification community. “Body modification” is the term used to describe the act of creating permanent adornments such as tattoos or piercings. These types of adornment are found in tribal cultures all over the world and have existed since the beginning of recorded history, which is why the term “modern primitive” is often used to describe someone who is exploring body modification today.

Throughout history, piercings have been done for ornamentation, as a rite of passage, to convey status, and to augment erotic sensations. The Apadravya, a vertical piercing through the glans of the penis, is mentioned in the
Kama Sutra
as a means of providing additional stimulation during intercourse. Today, people’s motivations for getting piercings can range from the playful to the spiritual. Some people get piercings as a way of claiming ownership of their own bodies; some as a rite of passage; some as a way of heightening consciousness of their bodies; some as an endurance test; some for sexual stimulation; and some for purely decorative purposes. The traditional sites for piercings are nipples, genitals, ears, face, tongue, and belly button.

Nipple piercings are common among both men and women, and nipple rings may be used to enhance sensation in the same way that nipple clamps are. You may find that nipple piercings enhance your awareness of your nipples as well as their sensitivity.

Since getting my nipple piercing, I like the fact that I can get really turned on by having something other than my dick played with. Having a woman tug on the ring with her teeth and tongue feels indescribably good.

Women can opt to get one or more labia piercings, to pierce the clitoral hood, or to pierce through the base of the clitoris. Clitoral hood piercings are frequently ring-style piercings with a ball bearing positioned to rest strategically against the clitoris.

Men have a variety of penis piercings to choose from. A Prince Albert is a ring-style piercing that extends along the underside of the glans from the urethral opening to where the glans meets the shaft of the penis. A frenum piercing is usually a barbell-style piercing along the underside of the shaft of the penis. Some men get a frenum ring-style piercing, so that the ring can be swung up to encircle the head of the erect penis, creating a modified cock ring effect. All but the largest and most obtrusive penis piercings can be left in during intercourse, for extra stimulation. Many people comment that their piercings have enhanced their awareness of their genitals in a way that augments sexual feelings.

Permanent piercings should only be performed by professionals working with sterile tools and sterile jewelry. This is not a do-it-yourself kind of activity.

Emotional Issues

Power play offers a unique blend of physical, mental, and emotional components, and the result is that S/M games can be frightening. For one thing, you’re experimenting with activities that many people you know might casually label “sick” and “perverted.” For another, you’re exposing some of your deepest fantasies to a partner and, in the process, you’re expressing feelings that aren’t as “nice” or “loving” as you’ve probably been taught sexual feelings should be. S/M can bring up strong emotions, painful memories, shame, and surges of anger and guilt. It’s important to honor the fact that you’re getting in touch with feelings that may not be pretty, but that are nonetheless real. You and your partner should trust each other enough that you can discuss what emotions are coming up for you, both during the scene (if necessary) and after.

It’s always a good idea to spend some coming down time with your partner after a scene. Whether you’re feeling purely positive or somewhat ambivalent about what just happened, you owe each other positive reinforcement for the energy you each put out, the risks you each took, and the experience you shared. Discuss what thrilled you, frightened you, turned you on. How do you feel about yourself? What might you do differently next time? Keep your focus on feelings and the overall impact of a scene. There’s no need to do a play-by-play or to critique technical details.

If you or your partner is a survivor of sexual assault or abuse, a lot of powerful feelings can come up in the context of a scene. You’ll both need to be extra respectful of emotional danger zones and communicative around them. Some survivors have found S/M to be helpful in the healing process, but the ways in which this is true will vary greatly from person to person. In any case, remember that S/M isn’t therapy and be cautious about overstepping your boundaries.

At first my experiences at sexual power play disturbed me. I thought it stemmed from being a sex abuse survivor. It disturbed me that I enjoyed it and that I enjoyed playing a submissive. I also thought that as a feminist, it was in direct contrast and opposition to everything I believed in and practiced in my daily life. But then I started thinking that one of the delicious things about sex is fantasy—that you can be whatever you want to be without the retribution or punishment you would normally experience if you practiced this behavior out in the open. That’s when I realized that being submissive sexually actually makes sense for me and I started to relax and enjoy it more.

I like for my lover to spank me, but sometimes it brings up bad memories of my assault. Being pinned down or otherwise restrained can get very unsexy and very scary very fast. So, in power play, I’m usually the one in charge.

Ultimately, S/M wouldn’t have the potential to be frightening if it didn’t also have the potential to be an exhilarating, empowering way to play. We placed this chapter near the end of our book, because the subject of power play brings together much of what has gone before. S/M blends communication, touch, fantasy, and sex into an eroticism that can be as exciting, creative, and highly pleasurable as you want to make it.

CHAPTER 18

Where Sex Toys Come From

Now that you’ve read through several chapters describing sexual products, you may well be asking yourself, “Who comes up with this stuff, anyway?” And how could you be expected to know? It’s highly unlikely that
Fortune
magazine will ever do a cover story on dildo manufacturing. There are no Dun and Bradstreet stats on vibrator sales. Yet despite the invisibility that cloaks the industry, sex toys are practically a billion-dollar business in this country, and sales are only increasing.

According to a 1997 National Sexual Health Survey, still the most recent study to date, an estimated 10 percent of sexually active American adults—approximately 14 million people—report enjoying sex toys alone and with their partners. Survey researchers interviewed more than 7,000 adults between the ages of 18 to 90 and found that the enjoyment of sex toys is impressively widespread—sex toy users were equally likely to live in rural areas or big cities. We’d like to pull back the curtain and tell you what we know about the designers and manufacturers responsible for the quiet buzz of satisfaction that’s rising from bedrooms all across this great land of ours.

When Is a Sex Toy Not a Sex Toy?

The earliest vibrators were marketed as cure-alls for any number of bodily ailments and advertised as contributing to the “health, vigor, and beauty” of men and women. This disingenuous marketing strategy continues today.

Vibrators sold in drugstores or discount chains are marketed exclusively as massage tools. Product illustrations show models running massagers up and down their aching necks and shapely calves, while packaging inserts refer to “facial attachments” and “foot attachments,” as though there were no possibility of placing these appliances anywhere between your navel and your knees. You’ve probably seen advertisements for phallic-shaped battery vibrators featuring a female model who presses the tip of the vibrator against her forehead or cheek to massage her migraine—putting a new spin on the old standard, “Not tonight dear, I’ve got a headache.”

The Prelude 3 is the only quality electric vibrator ever marketed for sexual purposes, and it was promoted with mail-order ads in men’s magazines throughout the seventies. By 1978, realizing that it would be impossible to break into a mainstream retail market with this truth-in-advertising approach, the Prelude marketers dropped all sexual references from their packaging and promotion, and the Prelude took its place next to all the other “housewares” and “personal care products” in drugstores across America.

While brand-name appliance companies make no reference to the sexual possibilities of their massagers, tips from the instruction booklets such as “Always ready to help you in providing refreshing relief at the end of a busy day” or “Removes everyday dullness” are certainly evocative to the initiated. Unfortunately, the only exception to the See No Evil, Hear No Evil marketing strategy is a caution found in some package inserts that “This unit is not intended for use on the genital areas of the body.” Over the years, Good Vibrations’ sales clerks have had to field many an anxious call from customers panicked by this decidedly inaccurate warning.

The advantage to this camouflaging of electric massagers is that their distribution isn’t restricted to sex stores and, unlike cheaply made novelty vibrators, massagers are subject to the same kind of consumer scrutiny and standards as any other type of appliance. The disadvantage is that customers can’t get honest information and advice about using their products and may fear that they’re the only perverts in Sears’ history to consider slipping that handy back-massager south of the tailbone. Mainstream appliance companies dare not risk the wrath of the Religious Right or the threat of potential legal liabilities by acknowledging that their products make great sex toys, and consequently they miss out on the possibility of creating even more pleasing and functional toys.

As in most areas related to sexuality, Web retailing is pushing the envelope. You can find insertable vibrators for sale on
drugstore.com
’s “sexual health” page. Although product descriptions are vague and sanitized of specific sexual details, references abound to “sensual massage,” “soothing tired muscles,” and adding “bliss to the bedroom.” Clearly, the merchandisers are doing what they can to fly beneath the radar of corporate sponsors.

Adult Novelty Manufacturers

First, let’s dispel a popular myth. The people who manufacture sexual novelties are neither cigar-puffing Mafiosi dedicated to the destruction of our nation’s moral fiber, nor sexually insatiable swingers dedicated to spreading the gospel of hedonism. In fact, the women and men who work in the adult industry are, by and large, a conservative bunch, chock-full of family values, and dedicated to making a living. While a handful of manufacturers are educated consumers of sex toys, we’ve always been astonished at how few novelty packagers or their sales reps have even tried their own products or have any interest in doing so. They are equally bemused by our sincere enthusiasm for sex toys and our concern for product quality, function, and appearance. In the adult bookstore business, products sell based on packaging alone, and many of Good Vibrations’ sales reps can’t quite understand why we’re so fixated on what’s actually inside their boxes.