The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (85 page)

When you’re with a partner and you’re worried about not getting enough stimulation with a condom, you can always have him or her manually stimulate you until you’re close to coming, then apply the condom for the duration of your sex play. Or you can see if your partner is interested in trying the Reality female condom, which can be used vaginally or anally.

Women should experiment too. The more comfortable and competent you are with applying condoms, the better it will feel to your partner.

Condoms become “unlubed” quickly and rub painfully during intercourse.
This is nothing that a spare bottle of lube and a spray bottle with water in it won’t fix. Having extra lubricant on hand is essential. And many people don’t realize that water will reactivate the lube as it starts to dry up. A spray bottle or a bowl of water by the bed will do the trick.

It’s so awkward to stop what we’re doing and whip out the latex.
Try not to think of it as stopping, but rather as expanding what you’re doing. Don’t you already pause once in a while to dim the lights, find the vibrator, or put in a diaphragm? You don’t have to think of it as a chore, but as part of the fun.

I’ve always used condoms. I don’t find those thirty seconds “awkward” or too “mood-ruining” like some people say. It’s just a part of the dance, and it always has been.

Try fantasizing when you’re alone about using latex with your partner, imagining different ways you’d like to try the condom, dam, or glove. That way, when the time comes you’ll have a few tricks up your sleeve. Have your safer-sex supplies at the ready so that you don’t spend time searching around. We heard tell of one woman who liked to keep a glove stashed under the top of her stocking so that a hand traveling up her thigh would encounter it before going any further. Play with your toys together—your partner can put a condom on himself or herself, acting the exhibitionist, or you can put it on for him or her as part of your foreplay, teasing as you go. You could practice different ways of applying the condom. When using your mouth, for example:

• You’ll probably want to use an unlubricated condom.

• Open the condom and unroll it slightly.

• Form your lips into an O and place the condom between your upper and lower lips, in front of your teeth. Make sure the condom is facing the right direction so that it unrolls correctly.

• Hold onto the penis or dildo with one hand, then place your mouth on the penis or dildo, tightening your lips and pushing down on the rim.

• Push from your neck to unroll the condom down the shaft.

As with many of the toys or activities we suggest in this book, part of the difficulty of incorporating safer-sex accessories into your sex life stems from embarrassment or awkwardness when trying something new. A sense of humor is crucial, and can help you ease into a new activity (as long as you’re not laughing at someone else’s unwitting expense). Colored condoms or the glow-in-the-dark variety might underscore the playfulness and fun of the activity.

Some of my lovers are reluctant to use condoms.
At the risk of sounding preachy, if a sexual partner refuses to use a condom—or any other kind of safer-sex accouterments—at your request, ultimately it shows a lack of regard for sexual health. Being sexually assertive is something that doesn’t come naturally to many of us, so it’s important to be prepared for situations like this. There are several good books and websites that teach sexual assertiveness and specify how to ask for safe sex. Most of these stress the value of coming to terms with your wants and needs beforehand and school you on how to avoid common pitfalls like over-aggressiveness or defensiveness. And as this mom points out, standing up for your sexual rights is our greatest gift to the next generation:

I have always said that I am not willing to die for sex, and no one is worth my life when it comes to sex. I can only hope that my daughter, when she is old enough, has the common sense NOT to take her partner’s word that he is “clean.”

Here are some of our customers’ approaches to discussing safer sex:

My one rule is: no condom, no sex.

When I start getting close to someone, I initiate a safesex talk. I state my sex history and that I have herpes.

One very simple tactic is to reassess your approach, making the proposition as appealing as possible. For example, instead of the cold, direct approach:

Now it’s time for you to put on the condom.

We can’t have sex without condoms.

Try a nasty, yet equally direct approach:

I know exactly which condom will feel great on you.

There’s a condom with your name on it itching to get out of my pocket.

Safe sex with you is something I’ve fantasized about.

It might help for you to make a list of what your specific personal rules are when it comes to safer sex, so that you’ll be ready when the time comes. For example, you might list something like, “I don’t want to go down on someone without a barrier,” or “I will only perform fellatio with a condom.” If your partner is unwilling, be empathetic and suggest that you compromise with some alternatives that are acceptable to both of you. She may not want to use a dam, so you’ll both masturbate instead. He may refuse to use a condom, but you feel okay about giving him a hand job. It might be awkward at first, but confidence and comfort will come with practice.

Try to raise the subject of safer sex in conversations outside the bedroom. This way you can feel each other out before your judgment gets blurred during a lip-locked passionate embrace. If you’re finding yourself tongue-tied when it comes to asserting your intention to use dental dams, pull one out and show it to your partner. Talk about how you feel; maybe you’re nervous, shy, embarrassed, or intimidated—if you feel silly, say so. Find out how your partner feels as well. Maybe gloves remind her of a bad root canal, but the promise of a slow, smooth, and slippery genital massage will undoubtedly give her something much better to think about. Often just being honest about the situation can ease the tension. It provides an opportunity to air your concerns or fears, clear up any misconceptions, and reassure the person that you’re doing this out of concern for both of you! Not to mention it gives you something new and different to look forward to.

Keep in mind that STDs are simply a fact of life for all of us. They don’t target any one demographic, and they don’t conform to stereotypes about who’s most likely to be infected. The sooner we accept their presence in our everyday lives, the sooner we can get on with the business of enjoying sex—accessories and all.

I grew up in a time when STDs were mostly curable. Even herpes wasn’t as prevalent. When our society finally admitted that AIDS was not “the gay disease,” safer-sex practice was no longer just for intellectual discussion. AIDS awareness has also opened my eyes to other STDs, the curable as well as the incurable. I am from the Mexican-American community (Roman Catholic too), where the good wife stays home and is faithful. How many little women have been infected with STDs by roving husbands? Disease isn’t just in the whorehouses, or the bathhouses, or for any one type of person in the population. Anyone can get infected at any time by even the most trusted person. I have come to accept that safer sex must be considered normal and part of our everyday health. For me it is not a taboo subject, I will discuss it as freely as polio or flu vaccinations.

Risk Management

Since the onset of AIDS, “risk reduction guidelines” were established to help people understand which activities presented a greater risk of transmitting those bodily fluids that contain HIV. The guidelines also help gauge the risk of transmitting STDs other than HIV, as most STDs are passed along through vaginal, oral, or anal sex.

Behaviors in the “unsafe” category generally involve semen or blood coming into direct contact with mucous membranes in the rectum, vagina, or mouth. Activities in the “possibly unsafe” category are less likely to transmit viruses. Activities in the “possibly safe” category either involve contact with low-risk fluids, such as saliva and urine, or will not transmit the virus unless your latex barrier breaks. The “safe” category reflects activities that involve no exchange of bodily fluids and are completely safe. For example, using a condom during intercourse reduces the chance of transmission, but the possibility that the condom may break means that intercourse is not entirely safe. Vaginal secretions may be infectious under certain conditions, which is why contact with vaginal secretions is considered possibly safe. For example, if the secretions come into contact with open sores or cuts, there’s a risk of viral transmission. Or if you’re experiencing a vaginal infection there is a higher concentration of the virus in your secretions.

Bacterial STDs such as chlamydia, gonorrhea, or syphilis can all be treated with antibiotics, but you should not have unprotected sex until the infection is resolved. While safer-sex education focuses on condom use as the key to reducing disease transmission, STDs that can be transmitted via skin-to-skin contact, such as genital warts or genital herpes, aren’t necessarily covered by a condom. During an outbreak, therefore, it’s safest to postpone intercourse or oral sex if you notice sores in areas not easily covered by condoms or dams. Given that it’s possible to transmit herpes asymptomatically—that is, even when you aren’t experiencing an active outbreak—folks with herpes may want to use barriers during every sexual encounter. However, it’s up to you and your partners to make your own decisions regarding risk management.

For more detailed information, we suggest you contact STD hotlines (see our resource listings) or peruse one of the many excellent books available on the subject. Ultimately, it’s up to
you
to assess your individual risk factors and to choose activities to suit your needs.

My spouse and I used to have very strict rules against body-fluid-exchange with other partners. In the last few years we have relaxed those somewhat for friends that we feel close to already (i.e. close friends with whom we later become sexual). The reasoning is this: We do not find oral sex (our preferred play act) to be a high-risk activity for HIV, but high-to-medium for other STDs. However, most other STDs have more prominent and early symptoms than HIV. When we are with a friend who is close enough that we trust to be honest about any STD symptoms, then we’re willing to forgo barriers.

If I’m not in a long-term relationship, I don’t do anything but mutual masturbation without protection. I know some people won’t even touch without gloves, but I think that’s the point at which it’s no longer worth it to me. I do use protection for oral sex, although I know the risk is pretty low. I’ve often been the first one to ever insist on using a condom or Saran Wrap with a partner, but when I’m firm they’ve always accepted it.

Guidelines for Risk Management

Safe

Massage
Hugging
Mutual masturbation (touching your own
genitals)
Dry kissing
Tribadism, dry humping, frottage
Fantasy
Voyeurism, exhibitionism
Phone/computer sex
Sex toys (provided condoms are used if toys are
shared)
Bathing together

Possibly Safe

French kissing
Anal intercourse with condom
Vaginal intercourse with condom
Fisting with glove
Cunnilingus with latex barrier
Fellatio with condom
Rimming/analingus with latex barrier
Finger fucking vaginally or anally with latex
glove or cot
Watersports (urine on unbroken skin)

Possibly Unsafe

Cunnilingus without a barrier
Finger fucking without a barrier
Fellatio without a condom
Sharing sex toys without cleaning or changing
condoms in between uses
Fisting without a glove
Rimming/analingus without a latex barrier

Unsafe

Anal intercourse without condom
Vaginal intercourse without condom
Blood contact
Unprotected cunnilingus during menstruation

Beyond the Guidelines

One of the fundamental limitations of many safer-sex raps is their focus on how to avoid contracting a disease, rather than how to avoid transmitting one. “Learn how to stay squeaky clean,” the underlying message goes, “so that you don’t have to join the ranks of the untouchables.” It’s understandable that the focus of STD education would be on restricting the spread of disease, but where does this leave those of us who already have sexually transmitted diseases, yet have no desire to embrace celibacy?

It’s quite common for the average sexually active adult to take this us/them perspective to heart, and to divide the world of potential partners into those people they judge to be at risk for disease and those they judge not to be at risk. We were quite depressed at the number of our survey respondents who, when asked about their experience with safer-sex accessories, answered something to the effect of “I know my partners, so we don’t have to bother with the precautions that other people have to follow.” Countless health professionals have explained that it’s not who you have sex with, but what sexual activities you engage in that separates risky behavior from safe behavior. Is anybody listening?

People are listening, all right, but they’re listening selectively. After all, media reports frequently aggravate the misconception that a wide gulf exists between a tragic caste of disease-ridden adults and “the rest of us clean folks.” Take the infamous 1982
Time
magazine cover story on herpes, entitled “The Scarlet Letter.” Similarly, HIV has been labeled in a variety of ways over time—from a gay virus, to an intravenous drug-user’s virus, to a low-income woman of color’s virus. People seem to believe that the virus itself is selective about the sexuality and socioeconomic status of the body it invades, rather than recognizing that infection rates rise more rapidly in different populations at different times during the course of an epidemic. What’s going on here? Massive denial, that’s what. Sexually transmitted diseases of all kinds are rampant in the American population, and the notion that anyone belongs to a “safe” stratum of society is ridiculous.