The Guestbook (2 page)

Rosie

Rosie, I just saw Jake, he said you wanted some eggs so I’m just popping them in the fridge. Please don’t worry. I’m not in the least bit upset or offended by you asking where Nick is. It’s been two years and though I miss him terribly, I really don’t mind talking about him.

ANNIE, A BARBEQUE WILL BE LOVELY. WE ARE TAKING A BOAT OUT TO BLAKENEY POINT TO SEE THE SEALS TOMORROW AND THEN GOING FOR A DRIVE DOWN THE COAST. I IMAGINE WE’LL BE BACK AROUND SEVEN. I’LL BRING BURGERS AND CHICKEN, THAT’S IF SUZIE AND DORIS WON’T MIND.

JAKE

Wednesday:

We went out to see the seals today. It was amazing; we got so close to them. Jake took some fantastic pictures, but he was always good with a camera. Many of them were swimming around the boat as curious about us as we were about them. Off to a barbeque round Annie’s now, hopefully I won’t put my foot in my mouth again.

Rosie

WATCHING ROSIE GET SO EXCITED ABOUT THE SEALS TODAY, I THINK I FELL IN LOVE WITH HER A LITTLE BIT MORE.

Thursday:

My head hurts.

Annie is quite possibly one of the loveliest people I have ever met in my entire life. I didn’t stop laughing all night. She looks so sweet and innocent in her pretty flowery dress and huge Jesus sandals, looks like she goes to church every Sunday and probably sings in the choir. So it comes as a bit of a shock when the stories she comes out with are so funny and sometimes even filthy.

We must have polished off at least two bottles of wine and too many bottles of cider to count between us. That cider was potent, some obscure local variety I think. By the end of the night Jake was a mess and I was even messier. Annie, however, looked as fresh as a daisy.

Did I put my foot in it? Yes probably about a hundred times. I felt like John Cleese in Fawlty Towers when the Germans came; ‘Whatever you do, don’t mention the war.’ I just couldn’t stop mentioning her husband, death or funerals. Luckily Annie saw the funny side.

I WAS NOT A MESS, AT LEAST I DIDN’T THROW UP IN MY SHOE THIS MORNING. GREAT NIGHT ANNIE, THANKS FOR THE AMAZING CIDER, WE NEED TO GET HOLD OF A FEW BOTTLES BEFORE WE LEAVE.

JAKE

Just popped in to change the light bulb in the bathroom. I’m definitely getting a change of wardrobe after that lacklustre description ;-). I don’t go to church apart from weddings, christenings and funerals. Oh no, I mentioned the funeral word!!! I can assure you I wasn’t feeling as fresh as a daisy this morning, my tongue felt drier than Ghandi’s flip-flop. I’ll get you some of the cider to take back with you.

Friday:

After recovering from our excessive hangover yesterday we spent the day in the garden reading. Jake wears his big glasses when he reads, he thinks it makes him look clever, but he looks more like a nerd. A loveable nerd though. He was reading some big tome on codes used in WW2. Geek! Another day on the beach today. Wells-next-the-Sea really is the loveliest place in the world, the beaches are spectacular.

GEEK? NERD? HOW DARE YOU. BESIDES I DON’T THINK I LOOK CLEVER I KNOW I AM CLEVER. NEVER MIND THE FACT THAT I FELL ASLEEP FOUR TIMES READING THE CODE BOOK. IT WAS THE HANGOVER THAT WAS HAVING AN ADVERSE EFFECT ON ME. ANYWAY, WHAT WERE YOU READING, THE THIRD BOOK IN THE FIFTY SHADES OF GREY TRILOGY WASN’T IT? PERVERT.

I’ll have you know the Fifty Shades Trilogy has a very good storyline. And yes you are a complete geek and a nerd but I still love you.

Saturday:

Annie we have had the best time. We are going to come again soon. We don’t live that far away so we’re going to drive down when you have some free weekends.

YES, I CAME HERE FOR A QUIET WEEK AWAY AFTER ALL THE STRESS OF THE WEDDING, BUT WE’RE DEFINITELY GOING TO BE COMING BACK ON A REGULAR BASIS. WILLOW COTTAGE IS BEAUTIFUL. THANKS SO MUCH FOR MAKING US SO WELCOME.

**********

8
^th
– 14
^th
March

Oliver
Butterworth
.
Black

Saturday:

I’m here to kill someone and I’m not leaving until I’ve done it.

Oliver Black

Sunday:

I’m thinking of using a scythe, with a jagged serrated edge. Though I don’t want my victim to die too quickly, it needs to be slow and painful, it needs to be bloody. I want her to see her blood drain out of her, slowly, agonizingly feel her life force ebb away. I want her to beg for her salvation. I want that tough hard exterior to crumble in the last pitiful minutes of her pathetic life. I want to see her cry.

My best laid plans continue to go awry. As devious as I am in trying to catch my prey, she is as cunning at evading me. I almost respect her for it. Almost.

Oh Olly, you do make me laugh. It’s good to have you back. You do realise how this will look don’t you, or is that your intention? I’ll have the police on me for harbouring a criminal. If they come for me, I’m taking you down with me. There’s no honour amongst thieves.

Annie x

Careful Annie, or I may have to kill you.

Oh please do, I’ve been begging you to kill me off for years. The bloodier and messier the better. Could you chop off my head and tear out my innards? Could you gouge out my eyes and keep them about your person as a memento? You could have a whole box of eyes left over from your victims. Oh and could you write some message on the walls using my blood? My brain could be the full stop. I’d love that.

I bet you would you sicko. Now leave me alone. I came here for some peace and solitude, not to be bothered every five minutes by the dodgy landlady next door. If you disturb me again I really will consider ripping out your heart and letting you watch as it beats feebly in my bloody hands.

Promises, promises. Come for dinner tonight, don’t shut yourself away for the whole week, I’ve missed you. If you come I promise to be good and quiet for at least a day.

Right, that’s it, you’re in for it now. I need a big knife.

I have one. You’re welcome to come round and borrow it.

Monday:

After dinner with my sister-in-law I feel much better about the murder. We talked things through and she gave me some great ideas on how to commit the perfect crime. I now know how I’m going to dispose of the body too. No one will ever find her. Claudette Montana is going to die tonight. I will not rest until she is lying in the ground.

Claudette Montana? Really? Please kill me off, not her.

I am not killing you off. I’ve told you before, Annie Butterworth just isn’t sexy enough to be in one of my books. Annie Butterworth sounds like an old granny with fluffy slippers and someone who wears cardigans no matter how hot it is. Why do you think I changed my name to Oliver Black? Oliver Butterworth would be smoking a pipe and sucking on his Werther’s Originals, he certainly wouldn’t be the number one crime writer in Britain, nay the world.

You think a lot of yourself don’t you? And yes, I’m well aware I’m not sexy enough for you.

Are we still talking about the book here? Let’s not go down that weird road again. Besides you were in my last book, you obviously didn’t look hard enough.

I was not, I would have noticed that.

Try the very front of the book.

What’s this? The Great Oliver Black having writer’s block? Surely not.

Sophia Lorenzo. Cleaner.

Oh Annie. Please tell me, with all your money, why you still haven’t got yourself a decent cleaner yet? Why do you still have this old bag hanging around like a bad smell?

Oliver Butterworth, don’t think you are too old to be put over my knee. Sophia

Oh Aunty Sophia, are you still mad that I killed you off in Behind Closed Doors.

I was more bothered that you made me into a prostitute.

High class escort actually, I couldn’t resist. Besides Sophia Lorenzo is a much sexier sounding name than Annie Butterworth.

You dedicated your last book to me!! How did I miss that? I can’t believe you did that. That’s… Thank you.

Oh don’t get all soppy on me. Jeez if I knew it was going to get this reaction I would have dedicated it to my local Chinese take-out, who kept me fed through the duration of the book.

And Sophia, it wasn’t so much writer’s block, more murderer’s block. I had made the character of Claudette so clever, underhanded and cunning that she wouldn’t fall for the plots and ploys of Maxwell Hunt. I also needed to make sure the reader would feel sympathetic towards him, they had to want Claudette dead almost as much as he did.

Tuesday:

It is technically Tuesday. 3.27 Tuesday morning to be precise. But Claudette has been killed. I feel like singing ‘ding, dong the witch is dead’. I have cracked open a bottle of Whin Hill Cider to celebrate but may sneak next door and top up my celebrations with some of Annie’s amazing trifle.

Note to self: When breaking into your sister-in-law’s place either go blindfolded or call out to make sure she is decent first. I don’t know who was more shocked when I walked in to find her stark naked tucking into the trifle. Admittedly we’re experiencing one of the hottest springs since before dinosaurs roamed the earth but still, one should wear a robe when wandering about downstairs.

Why should I wear a robe in my own house? Normally my guests don’t just take it upon themselves to wander into my house and help themselves to my food. That’s not part of the service. Besides you have seen me naked before.

Yes. You’ve put on weight since the last time.

Oh my god! Thanks very much!

Annie! You know very well that I meant that as a good thing. You were a bag of bones the last time I saw you. I’m so glad you’re eating properly again now.

Nag, nag, nag.

I’m just saying, what I saw in the light of the fridge for those brief seconds was damned sexy.

Sexy enough to be in one of your books?

No.

If you won’t kill me off how about making me into a murderer instead?

Annie Butterworth, blonde hair, blue eyes, face like an angel, cast as an evil murderer, who would believe it?

Wednesday:

My sister-in-law has gone mad. Maybe the grief of my brother dying has finally got to her and it’s pushed her over the edge. She tried to kill me three times yesterday.

The first time she leapt out of a cupboard with an axe. Scared the bloody crap out of me, but only because she was screaming like a banshee. When I turned around and saw Annie brandishing an axe in her little flowered blouse and denim shorts with those stupid oversized sandals she loves so much I burst out laughing, hardly the scariest thing I’ve ever seen.

The second time a quiche appeared in my kitchen with a packet of rat poison next to it. The quiche tasted amazing, Annie always could cook.

I had to give her points for trying on the third attempt. I woke to find her straddling me, dressed head to toe in a black leather cat suit, her hair slicked back, her eyes lined with black and a knife pressed to my throat. I must admit she did look mean, but I was too busy trying not to be turned on to be scared of her. Quite frankly if she had killed me then I would have gone with a huge grin on my face.

Annie, I know you just don’t have it in you to be a killer. I’ve seen you stop the car for a frog to cross the road. You didn’t even have the guts to use a real knife, you had a spoon handle pressed to my throat.

I didn’t want to hurt you. I could be believable as a killer, just you wait and see.

Thursday:

Annie may be a better killer than I thought. Last night I nearly died laughing.

She had made a dummy by stuffing old clothes with newspapers, a head out of an old melon and fastened it all together to look like a body then wrapped it in a black bin bag. Just as it was starting to turn dark she went out to her front garden, and in full view of the rest of the village, dug a hole to bury the body. She obviously wanted to raise suspicions and prove that people would think she was capable of such a thing.

She was in luck. David Lambeth, the local constabulary, was driving past and he stopped when he saw her digging. I think she nearly did a little victory dance that he would ask her what she was doing and to explain the body shaped bag on her front lawn. But without a word, David went to the shed, grabbed another spade and helped her to dig the hole only stopping once to clarify how deep she wanted it. I laughed so much I think I ruptured something inside.