The Guide to Getting It On (115 page)

A Headache in Your Penis:
In the early 1940s, another German psychiatrist, Bernard Schapiro, speculated that PE was a psychosomatic illness, like anxiety-related headaches. He said that PE was the result of a man’s psychological conflict expressing itself bodily. This, too, has been proven false.

PE from Popping Out Quick Ones:
In the late 1970s, renowned sex therapists Masters and Johnson changed the premature ejaculation landscape by claiming that PE was a learned experience. They believed that PE was something guys taught themselves when they rushed their way through masturbation or had rushed sex in a car or did it with a prostitute. We now realize that popping out quick ones is not the cause of premature ejaculation. However, it is possible that if a man was born with a shorter fuse to begin with, the rushed experiences he had when he was a teenager could have had more of a lasting impact than if he had been born with a penis that was wired like the Eveready Bunny. In this situation, the squeeze-technique that Masters and Johnson suggested might be helpful in extending his hang time (explained in the treatment section of this chapter).

From Zero to Sixty in 2.46 Seconds:
In the late 1980s, sex researcher Helen Singer Kaplan proposed that men with PE never developed the ability to experience a gradual buildup of sensation in their penis. Kaplan believed that most guys have an early warning system in their penis and are able to say to themselves, “It’s starting to feel like I’m getting close—I’ll slow down my thrusting or change positions so I can delay coming.” But for the man with a pronto penis, ejaculation arrives like a sneak attack. He gets no warning signals until it’s too late to delay. Kaplan also felt that anxiety fueled PE. Her theories held sway for many years. But we have since discovered that when men with PE are given medications that allow them to delay their ejaculation, they can have the same range of sensory awareness in their penis as guys who don’t have premature ejaculation. As for anxiety being contributory, it is interesting that tramadol and SSRIs, which are drugs that help with anxiety, also help decrease PE. However, rather than decreasing anxiety, it’s more likely these drugs delay ejaculation by impacting the centers in the nervous system that trigger ejaculation.

Online Porn Causes PE:
This is one of the most recent and more bizarre theories about the causes of premature ejaculation. If online porn were a cause of premature ejaculation, we would have seen a huge increase in the number of men with PE during the past decade. There has been no such increase. However, if this theory were true, it would be interesting to know if men with DSL came faster than men with dial-up!

Research Findings on the Man with a Pronto Penis

When researchers placed sensors on men’s penises and showed them sexually exciting materials, they expected the men with PE to have a more rapid sexual response. Yet they weren’t able to find any differences between men with PE and those who had good control.

So the researchers made the situation more like real life. They put “pleasure devices” on the men’s penises so the men would feel physical stimulation while they were watching dirty movies. And that’s when they found that nearly 60% of premature ejaculators would blow a wad right then and there compared to only 5% of guys who didn’t have a problem with coming too soon. This finding helped give credence to the idea that men with premature ejaculation are wired to come sooner than men who don’t have PE.

Semen Sample, Please

While anxiety about coming too soon most likely makes a bad situation worse, it does not appear to be the cause of premature ejaculation.

There are anecdotal reports from researchers who have had premature ejaculators and controls masturbate in the lab to give semen samples. The men who were premature ejaculators came out of the rest room with their semen in a cup faster than the men who were controls. Anxiety about sex with a partner was certainly not the reason why the men with PE produced their semen samples sooner than men without PE.

Research Findings—Neurology, Heart Rate, and Erections

When men without PE get erections and have intercourse, their heart rates slow down after their penises gets hard, even though they are getting aerobic exercise from thrusting during intercourse. When they are about to ejaculate, their heart rates speed up again.

This is not necessarily the case in men with PE. When a guy with PE gets sexually aroused, his heart beat is likely to remain rapid from the moment he gets hard until he ejaculates. His nervous system doesn’t shift into the intercourse version of cruise-control. He is on the verge of ejaculating from the get-go.

Erection Issues

You would think that men with PE would get erect sooner than controls. However, the opposite is true for some groups of men with PE. A number of men with PE also have varying degrees of erectile dysfunction. This dovetails with why some men with PE respond well to erection drugs such as Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra. Perhaps these are men whose PE is related to erectile dysfunction. Or maybe their erectile dysfunction is due to their distress about having PE, and the erection drugs help alleviate them of the fear that they won’t be able to get it up.

Some men without PE complain that the boner drugs make their penis feel somewhat wooden. This would be a case of one man’s poison being another man’s cure.

Emotional Reaction

Men with PE often have more negative feelings about sex than men who have control over their ejaculations. Therapists used to assume that the negative feelings were what caused the premature ejaculation rather than being a result of it.

But think about it—would you look forward to having intercourse if you were sure you were going to disappoint your partner? Many of the negative feelings that men with PE have stop once they are given medications that allow them more control over their ejaculations. Therapy can also help reverse the poor self-esteem that has resulted from years of feeling like a failure in bed.

What’s Often Missing: A Partner’s Perception

The results of a recent FDA trial on a treatment for premature ejaculation trumpeted how it added an extra four minutes to the men’s thrusting times. But in spite of the great results, the men’s partners didn’t report significant increases in their own sexual satisfaction.

So maybe the problem wasn’t as bad as the guys with PE assumed. Or maybe sexual satisfaction is more complex than we sometimes think. Sexual problems don’t exist in a vacuum. When it comes to sexual intimacy, mutual pleasure can’t always be measured with a stopwatch.

This takes us back to a central theme throughout this chapter: when PE is involved, men and their partners need to talk about it. They need to talk about what’s working in their relationship and what isn’t. By the time a man with PE starts taking a drug for it, sexual excitement in the relationship might need to be rekindled.

PE and a Lack of Fun

Men who have better control over their ejaculations are able to explore what they can do to help themselves and their partners enjoy sex more. But men with PE are often so focused on their failure that they aren’t able to enjoy ways of making sex more fun and rewarding.

Even if you can’t fix the PE, there’s a lot that partners can do to increase the way they enjoy each other sexually. It starts by exploring together the things that turn each of you on.

The Other 97% of Your Body and Mind

It can be helpful for a man with PE to become more aware of the sensations in other parts of his body in addition to his penis. Not enough can be said about allowing a partner to touch you from head to toe while you let your body relax. This kind of non-pressured exploration is often the cornerstone of sex therapy.

To help become more aware of sensations, some couples enjoy using a variety of materials and fabrics to massage each other from head to toe. Good results can be had with feathers or furry mitts, as well as a silk scarf or piece of rayon. Some couples might be into leather, latex, or rubber. Others find the feel of a partner’s fingertips to be exquisite.

Never underestimate the value of restraints or handcuffs to add a bit of spice to the process, or even a good spanking for couples who enjoy getting their endorphins going with a little rough sex.

Plenty of men learn to compensate for PE by becoming really good at pleasing a woman with oral sex or different kinds of massage and by acting out fun scenarios and fantasies together. This is why a quick ejaculation need not get in the way of having and enjoying great sex.

Motivation

None of the treatments on the pages that follow are a cure. They are simply ways of addressing the symptoms of premature ejaculation. They require motivation and a long-term commitment.

It’s easy to feel motivated to change at the start of a relationship. But then the desire to change can lose its luster and you fall back into a rut. In time, the struggle to manage your job and family obligations can take all the reserve that you’ve got. Jerking off in the shower can become easier than confronting problems. Or maybe you are both just as motivated as you were before, but neither of you thinks the other still is.

The Most Important Ingredients

In helping a man to last longer, don’t forget to have a sense of humor. Humor is the sexual lubricant for the soul. A man with PE is probably fighting a private battle with his penis that doesn’t include much kindness. Chances are, he’s more angry and frustrated with himself than his partner will ever know. Patience, love, and a tolerance for frustration can go a long way.

It is also important for the couple to explore ways that a man’s partner can experience sexual satisfaction besides having intercourse. That way she won’t feel resentful, he won’t feel guilty, and both partners will get to experience what it is like when she can open up and no longer needs to mute her excitement to help him last longer.

Relationship Fears & Resistances

It’s understandable for a man to be shy about seeking his partner’s help with PE. It is also possible that his partner may have resistances or fears about what might happen if her man is able to last longer. In her book on PE, Helen Singer Kaplan said that most of the men who were unable to complete her program for rapid ejaculation had wives or girlfriends who did not necessarily want them to last longer.

The three gentlemen mentioned below were rapid ejaculators as well as contributors to
The Guide.
They were kind enough to share their personal stories for you to read.

Zeus
suspected that his wife didn’t want him to improve his sexual function and that she would resist helping him do something about it. He was right. His wife didn’t enjoy sex, or not with him anyway, and the faster he came, the better. In addition, she didn’t want him having sex with anyone else. She assumed that he would be less likely to have extramarital affairs if his problems with PE remained.

Lancelot
was afraid that his girlfriend wouldn’t want to invest the time and effort in helping him to last longer. He was mortified to even ask. As it turned out, he was wrong. She was happy (and relieved) that he wanted her help in solving the problem. They took on the problem together with historic results.

Heathcliff
had a secret and didn’t know if Catherine would want to help. While caring greatly for each other, their sex life had never been a central part of their relationship. After several years, he finally asked for her help with his premature ejaculation. He received an unexpected reply. She told him that she often masturbated after he went to sleep, keeping her sexual needs to herself because she didn’t think he was interested. They began masturbating together and started feeling sexually intimate for the first time in their lives. They found many ways to please each other sexually. By this time, Heathcliff had become such a changed man that not even his neighbors could recognize him.

Rather than bulldozing ahead with the treatments that are mentioned in this chapter, why not start by having a couple of long talks about it first? You might want to include a discussion about what it would be like if you were able to make changes in your sex life. Even if you both want changes, you each might have your own fears and concerns about them.

Treatments

The rest of this chapter lists drugs, creams, condoms, and behavioral techniques that are being used to treat PE. How well they work for you may depend on how badly you have premature ejaculation to begin with.

Since PE isn’t a disease and it doesn’t have a specific cause, the best treatment will depend on an individual’s biology, psychology, and partner situation. In exploring different treatment options, you will need to be flexible and adventurous—two qualities that men are not always known for, according to the women who take our sex surveys.

A logical treatment to try first would be the squeeze technique. It costs nothing and has no side effects, other than needing to ask for a partner’s help and the willingness of a partner to help. In addition to applying the technique, the two of you would need to trust each other and talk about your sexual feelings and explore what each of you needs from the other.

Teaching an Old Dog New Tricks: The Squeeze Technique