The Guide to Getting It On (56 page)

What Can Brown Do For You?

Some couples like anal sex because it’s forbidden. Some women have anal sex who would like a partner’s penis inside of their vagina but can’t because of chronic pain. Some men have anal sex as a way of getting work in the entertainment industry. But the most obvious reason why people have anal sex is because they enjoy the experience.

“Anal sex helps me feel a whole different part of my vagina and vulva. The fact that it is so tight and kind of nasty is a turn-on to me too.”
female age 23

“My wife asks for anal intercourse on occasion, usually late at night when she is very aroused and her inhibitions are down.”
male age 41

“I can come from anal intercourse, but not from vaginal intercourse.”
female age 32

“Both of us like it. I will sometimes put a finger in her anus while we are having intercourse. It’s very exciting for her, and I can feel my penis through the wall, which I find to be very erotic.”
male age 39

Most people have the notion that the only reason women do anal sex is to please a male partner. Not a single woman in our survey who does anal sex mentioned anything about pleasing a partner. Each one said she did it because she liked the way it feels. Some women report getting an extra-intense orgasm when they stimulate their clitoris at the same time that they are having anal sex. Some find anal sex to be emotionally intense, as well.

As for men’s pleasure, some enjoy having their anus massaged or penetrated, and some report having memorable orgasms when their prostate gland is being pressed. Seldom do men have an orgasm from anal stimulation alone. Usually it includes penis stimulation.

A final reason that some couples do anal sex is for birth control. It is possible that anal sex is practiced as birth control in countries that take seriously the Catholic Church’s opposition to contraception. Perhaps this isn’t what the Vatican had in mind. Or maybe anal sex would be a hot concept in these countries regardless of where they pray. Is anal sex an effective means of preventing pregnancy, or can ejaculate run out of the anus and into the vagina? Pregnancies from anal sex are common enough that the term “splash conception” is used to describe them. Perhaps this is how people with anal-retentive personalities are conceived.

Big Mama Nature & The Human Backside

When Big Mama Nature designed the female body she gave it a vagina that’s rough, tough and durable. She made the walls of the vagina so they would stretch, swell, lubricate and straighten out at times of sexual excitement. This allows objects of desire to slide in and out with a fair amount of ease and enjoyment.

Mother Nature was working from a different set of blueprints when she built the human rectum. That’s because the rectum’s main purpose is for elimination rather than romance. As a result, the walls of the rectum don’t stretch and lubricate, although they comfortably fit objects that are even larger than a penis on a nearly daily basis. Think about it. Reports that anal sex will damage your rectum are not backed up by medical fact as long as you use lots of lube and leave your crowbar in the toolshed.

The rectum includes a pair of pugnacious sphincter muscles that guard the gates of your anus. These muscular rings were designed to facilitate outgoing rather than incoming objects, although they can be taught to yield in either direction. The anal sphincters are two of the most important muscles in the human body if you plan on living and working in the vicinity of other human beings.

A Brief Summary of the Structure & Function of the Human Rectum from the Time of Cro-Magnon Man Until the Founding of Ancient Greece

If you consider the history of the human rectum, say from the time of Cro-Magnon man until the founding of ancient Greece, its sole purpose was to hold things in. It wasn’t until the ancient Greeks invented sodomy that our bums became multipurpose. (In giving credit where credit is due, the Old Testament may have had an interest in the subject of anal sex that possibly predated the Greeks. At the very least, one of the early Biblical plagues visited upon the Egyptians apparently included hemorrhoids.)

Thanks to the inventiveness of the ancient Greeks, we now have things in our lives like politicians, lawyers, doctors and anal sex. The only one of these that should never cause you any pain is anal sex. If it does, you are doing it wrong, says psychologist Jack Morin, who has written the bible on the subject, called
Anal Pleasure and Health, 4rd ed.
, Down There Press (2010).

The key to pleasurable anal sex is training the anal sphincter muscles to open for incoming objects. One set of these muscles is under conscious control. It’s what people use to maintain their dignity when waiting to use the bathroom. The second set of sphincters is a total free agent that automatically closes whenever something pushes against it. To have comfortable anal sex, the second set of sphincters must be taught how to relax when you ask.

Popular Culture Historical Note When Jack Morin published the first edition of his
Anal Pleasure
book, it was such a taboo subject that few bookstores stocked it. Now, a little more than two decades later, Jack’s book has been joined by several others and it is not unusual to see them on bookstore shelves. And if you look at today’s porn, you might think that couples have anal sex as often as vaginal sex, when the reality is that most couples prefer vaginal intercourse by a large margin.

The Three Key Elements

The next sections have been written as if the male is doing the inserting and the female is receiving. Far be it from this Guide to say how it is in your own relationship. (
Pegging,
or the insertion of penis-like objects into the straight male butt might not be as popular as blogging, but it’s not totally uncommon, either.)

There are at least three keys to anal insertion: relaxation, feedback and lube. The difference between anal pleasure and pain is having generous amounts of all three In fact, trust or relaxation is now included in safe sex guidlines for having anal sex. It seems that even the toughest of condoms can tear if the anus isn’t relaxed. So if you are highly turned on and relaxed, the sensations will be very different than if you aren’t.

Consider the following question from a female reader about her experience with anal sex:

“I truly hated anal sex the two times I had tried it before. But I agreed to do it with my new boyfriend, and it feels incredible with him! Am I weird, or are there any other women who enjoy anal sex?”
female age 28

We posted this reader’s question on our sex survey and found a surprising number of women who said they’d had a similar experience. Many said the two key elements were being able to feel totally relaxed with the guy and feeling exceptionally horny. Even a finger can be annoying if the key elements of trust and arousal are missing, while a reasonable-sized penis can feel fine for a number of women who want to have anal sex if they are relaxed and ready.

Unfortunately, if you have had a painful anal experience in the past, it can make the relaxation part more difficult to achieve.

Strange vs. Pain

When you are first experimenting with anal play, you will need to appreciate the difference between physical sensations that are unusual or strange, versus those that are painful. When you or your partner first start groping inside your anus, it might feel quite strange. With time and experience, the initial strange feeling can evolve into a new kind of sexual pleasure. Or, it might just remain strange. You never know how your brain will translate the sensations until you are in the throes of sexual passion and desire.

If the sensations are painful as opposed to strange, back way off and try to figure out what’s causing the pain. Don’t explore again until you have come up with theories about the pain and possible fixes.

Practice Makes Perfect

When it comes to the rectum, jagged finger nails are weapons of mass destruction. Make sure that your fingernails are trimmed and your hands are washed. The best way to prepare for anal sex is in the shower, for a couple of weeks before you do it with a partner. Try inserting your finger up your bum. Think of it as a rectal rover. Its job is to provide you with valuable information about the geology of your anus. As you do this with each ensuing shower, you will learn more, and you will be teaching your anal sphincters to relax.

Another thing that some people might find helpful is to try masturbating with an anal toy or finger in your rear. This will help you get used to the new sensations.

Psychologist Jack Morin suggests the following technique for teaching your rectum to relax: Each night for a week or so the one partner lubes up a clean finger and gently inserts it in the other partner’s rear, pushing very softly and slowly. This should encourage trust and relaxation.

Rectal expert Erik Mainard—known as the Avatar of Ass—encourages a gentle massage of the anus and suggests angling the finger slightly upward toward the tailbone, since that is how the rectum curves. He says to push in slowly and only as the resistance eases. This should feel good for the receiver; otherwise the person who is inserting the finger is either rushing it or violating your comfort zone. (That’s not the only thing he or she is violating.)

One way to help relax the anal area is for the receiver to push down as though she were trying to move her bowels. In addition to relaxing the sphincters, this adds a bit of suspense to the exercise. However, anal purists say that with the help of a patient, caring partner, one needn’t trick the sphincters into relaxing. It also seems that even though only one partner might be inserting a penis, each should experiment with fingering the other’s rear. This will help build knowledge and trust—bum-bonding with your sweetheart.

The receiver needs to feel comfortable with finger penetration before trying any further unnatural acts. It is not until the second sphincter learns to relax that anal sex will feel comfortable, and if it doesn’t feel comfortable, you shouldn’t be doing it. If there is any discomfort other than a feeling of fullness, which shouldn’t be painful, spend an extra week doing the finger exercises or give up the concept of anal intercourse entirely.

Simultaneous Clit Play

Women frequently find that clitoral stimulation helps take anal sex from being nothing to write home about to something that feels really good. The two of you need to talk about ways of making sure that her clitoris gets plenty of attention at the same time that her rear end is. This can range from fingerplay to a vibrator, and just about everything in between.

Swabbing the Decks of the Hershey Highway

Some people prefer to give themselves a quick enema (“short shot”) with a bulb syringe or a prepared store-bought solution before having anal sex. Others will equate this with removing the patina from the Statue of Liberty Keep in mind that the rectum is not usually a storage space for poop. It is merely the toll booth between the colon and the toilet. A good soaping in the shower should make most anuses sparkle.

If you decide to give yourself an enema, do it a couple of hours before sex. A bulb syringe with water should do the trick. Follow the instructions on the box. Do not use a Fleet or Fleet-like enema for sex, as it contains a laxative. Empty it and fill it with clean tap water. Make sure it’s not too cold, unless you enjoy giving yourself cramps. For more cleaning options, see Tristan Taormino’s
The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women,
2nd ed.
Cleis Press, (2006).

Anal Play Combined with Other Kinds of Sex Play

“I like to have my anus stimulated when I’m receiving oral sex. I like to have one finger inserted, but it doesn’t have to be very far, just past the sphincter will do. And rather than sliding all the way in and out, it is better if there is just a slight tugging movement. It adds one more sensation to the myriad of sensations involved in oral sex.”
female age 37

“My boyfriend likes me to rub a finger on his anus while I give him oral sex. Gentle pressure and a rotating finger add a lot to his pleasure.”
female age 23