The Guide to Getting It On (51 page)

“This may not seem relevant to your question about sex, but I work in a totally male-dominated business. I have to think like a guy from morning to night. Sometimes it leaves me feeling alien from my femininity. With Craig it’s easy to find it back again. Craig never wakes me up at 3 a.m. with a hard-on poking in my back, but he feels just as masculine as Dick. With a lot of guys there’s a huge difference between how they treat you in bed and how they treat you the rest of time; with Craig that’s not the case. Maybe that’s another reason why sex is so nice with him, even if it’s not intercourse.”

Okay, so here we have Dick, more functional than a Sidewinder missile. He fulfills everybody’s definition of what a sexual athlete should be. Then we have Craig, who redefines the term
sexually dysfunctional.
If Craig had the same erection failure but no spinal-cord injury, psychologists and sex therapists would collect a small fortune trying to make him “normal.” At the very least, they would have him munching down blue boner pills as if they were M&Ms. And probably other medications, as well.

And finally, there is Laura, a woman who enjoys sex a great deal. She is telling us that the man who can’t get it up is a more satisfying lover than Mr. Erectus Perfectus.

In telling you about Laura, Dick and Craig, the intent was not to dump on intercourse. Intercourse, when it’s good, can be one of the sweetest things there is. What this book is dumping on is the assumption that intercourse is good just because it’s intercourse and that a man is a man because he can get hard and fuck, or that a woman is a woman because she can get wet and fuck him back.

What Does It Feel Like When You Have Intercourse?

“Oh God—It’s like describing the universe. It feels like I might explode and can’t wait to but at same time want it to last forever. Breathless, hot, turned on in the extreme. I want to engulf and squeeze his penis, get it in me as much as possible. I love the connection of it.”
female age 48

“When his penis first enters me I want to feel every inch of it because it is exquisite. I feel like I need it inside me and I don’t know if I can describe that. The actual sensations of his penis sliding in and out of me are sometimes over-powered by the pleasure I feel all over my body, so I don’t necessarily concentrate on the intercourse.”
female age 23

“As he enters me I feel myself spreading open to accommodate him. Emotionally it feels right that he is inside of me. I have a feeling of fullness when he is inside me. I can feel the head of the penis as it slides in and out and can feel my vagina collapse or expand around him. If he plunges deep I can feel the head of the penis bump my cervix, a not altogether unpleasant feeling. From rear entry I can feel the penis more acutely rubbing the top of my vagina.”
female age 37

“At first I feel the light pressure of my partner’s penis against my unopened vagina. It is often deeply pleasurable to feel the head penetrate, and then a slow, smooth slide all the way in, and a jolt of excitement when my lover’s penis is completely inside me. The most sensation is around the outer part of the vagina, but there is also a pleasurable feeling of fullness when he is fully inside me. My hips want to move and match his strokes, or create my own rhythm for him to match. Different types of strokes and rhythms create different sensations.”
female age 47

“My favorite part of intercourse is when he comes; his entire body stiffens.”
female age 55

“I’m strictly a clit person. I love having sex with men, but I don’t like intercourse.”
female age 36

“The first thrust is the most vivid for me. I like to slowly slide down his cock and feel it go up me. I love it when he is trying to hold back from coming; I can feel him get more swollen and hard and I get very excited when I feel that. It actually is the time when my vagina gets the most pleasure from intercourse.”
female age 23

“It depends on how sexually excited I am and whether I’m in the mood or if I’m just doing it because he wants to. If I’m into it, it’s like ecstasy!”
female age 43

“I enjoy the pumping and grinding a great deal. I love it when we are rubbing our pelvic bones together and when the penis is in deep.”
female age 21

“It feels different every time. Sometimes it is very satisfying. Sometimes it hurts inside my vagina if I’m not lubricated enough. And sometimes when his penis hits my G-spot it takes my breath away!”
female age 34

At the Start — New Relationship or New to Intercourse

For a lot of couples it takes time and familiarity for intercourse to get that kind of sloppy-intimate-erotic edge that makes it so much fun. This means that intercourse won’t necessarily knock your socks off at the start. It may not even feel as good as masturbation.

Also, each partner brings his or her own hopes and expectations, as well as physical anatomy and body rhythms. Patience can be a virtue. For instance, some couples who are having dynamite intercourse during the fifth year of their relationship had lousy intercourse during the first year. And even if the sex is great at the start, chances are there will be periods in any relationship when sexual desire falls flat. Hopefully you continue to grow as a couple during those times.

Your First Intercourse

The Guide
is happy to have a separate chapter for people who are about to have intercourse for the first time. Here’s why:

In their study on first intercourse that included 659 college students, researchers Schwartz, Sprecher, Barbee, and Orbuch found that while 79% of the men reported that they had an orgasm during their first intercourse, only 7% of the women reported having an orgasm. Males had far more overall pleasure than females.

The mean age for first intercourse was 16½ years, although those who waited until they were 17 or older reported having a better experience than those who were younger. A year or two of added life experience can go a long way when you are only 16.

Both males and females reported more pleasure if they had intercourse for the first time in a more serious or long-term relationship than in a casual or brief one. People who used alcohol during their first intercourse (about 30% of the total) reported significantly less pleasure and more guilt than those who did it sober. Those who used contraception reported more pleasure than those who didn’t.

On our own sex survey, we’ve asked hundreds of women to compare how their first intercourse felt with how it feels now. While most of these women say it feels great now, it is an unusual woman who says she cherished her first intercourse, even if it was in a loving relationship. If this will be your first time, please see Chapter 41:
Bye Bye V-Card—Losing Your Virginity
.

Intercourse Orgasms vs. Masturbation Orgasms

While masturbation orgasms sometimes feel more intense than intercourse orgasms, a group of researchers in the UK have found that after an intercourse orgasm, the amount of prolactin released into the body is 400% more than the amount that is released after a masturbation orgasm. (One should learn to take such findings with a grain of salt until they are replicated in other labs, which they seldom are. But let’s run with it anyway.)

Theory has it that the hormone prolactin helps mellow us out following the rush of dopamine that accompanies sexual excitement. It has also been suggested that the prolactin after orgasm is what helps make some men want to snooze after coming, as well as what keeps most guys from being able to get a quick rebound erection.

We would also want to know about the number and sensitivity of prolactin receptors in the male body versus the female body. It could be that the same rush of prolactin does a bigger number on men than on women. This makes sense given that some women enjoy intercourse more if they have an orgasm before the penis goes in, while a penis often wants to pack it up and go home after having an orgasm. Clearly, there is still much to learn.

One in the Hand. Who Sticks It In?

“I generally prefer to put it in; otherwise we seem to miss a lot.”
female age 32

“I like to put his penis in me because it seems no matter how many times we have had sex, he still misses a little bit when aiming. Also, I find it exciting to hold him while he thrusts into my vagina.”
female 23

“It’s really whoever grabs ahold first.”
female age 36

“He prefers to put it in, because if I do, he thinks I think he doesn’t know where in the heck that hole is.”
female age 38

“She always does. No matter how many years we’ve been doing this, I still manage to miss!”
male age 43

This may seem like a dumb thing to talk about, but the issue of who sticks the penis into the vagina can sometimes be significant. A rule of thumb is that either the woman, or the woman and man together, should stick it in the first few times. That’s because only a woman knows when she is ready to have a penis inside, and all those years of inserting tampons have taught her exactly where the head of little Tonto needs to go. Some women might be shy about grabbing a guy’s penis and guiding it in for a landing. This kind of reticence is silly, but understandable. Once your penis-to-pussy guidance system is up and running, it’s catch-as-catch-can regarding who puts it in.

Note:
Whoever puts it in needs to make sure the woman wants it and that her vagina is wet enough to take it. If not, a bit of spit or water-based lube is in order. See Chapter 12:
Sex Lubes—A New Look
. If you are using water-based lube and it starts to dry out, a drop or two of water or saliva will give it new life, while more lube will just gum things up. The women at Good Vibrations suggest keeping a water pistol handy for just this purpose, although women without humor will find this offensive, and wives of NRA members should be careful not to grab the Glock by mistake.