The Guide to Getting It On (24 page)

Instead of assuming that men know how to provide them with the kind of physical stimulation they need, it would be helpful if women knew just how different any two women can be, and that men truly need and often want guidance in exactly what to do physically.

A woman’s ability to show her partner how to stimulate her physically is often the key to his being able to provide her with the kind of physical stimulation she expects him to provide.

Women’s Orgasms: A Bonus or The Goal?

Is a woman’s orgasm the goal of making love, or are there other things that are more important?

It could be that a lover’s ability to make a woman feel sexy and desired is more important. Maybe it’s his ability to be playful and to make sex fun. Or what about acting out fantasy scenarios or being a little kinky? For women, some of these qualities rate higher than whether they did or didn’t have an orgasm. And when these qualities are in place, the chances are greater that a woman will have an orgasm or will at least feel sexually satisfied.

Orgasms before Intercourse? Orgasms after?

Some women prefer to have an orgasm before intercourse begins. There can be a couple of reasons for this. By the time a woman has been able to have an orgasm, it’s very likely that the tissue around her vagina has become engorged in the best possible way. Orgasms also release compounds into the blood stream that can decrease pain and create more relaxation and feelings of closeness. These factors can help intercourse feel better.

Also, having an orgasm prior to intercourse can help take the pressure off of a woman. It might allow her to enjoy the closeness and intimacy of intercourse more than if she feels like she has to have an orgasm, especially if she thinks her partner will feel like a failure if she doesn’t come at some point during their lovemaking.

Or maybe a woman will feel more comfortable having an orgasm after intercourse. Once her partner comes during intercourse, she might enjoy it if he holds her while she gets herself off with her fingers or a vibrator.

Talking about how and when a woman prefers to have an orgasm can be an important part of the orgasm talk.

Orgasms during Intercourse

A common assumption is that the penis directly stimulates the clitoris during intercourse. Yet if you look at where the tip of a woman’s clitoris ends and where her vaginal opening begins, you might start to wonder what was nature thinking! The tip of the clitoris is an inch or more above the opening of the vagina.

Perhaps that’s why so many women who take our sex survey say they need external clitoral stimulation during intercourse in order to have an orgasm. They either need a finger or vibrator on their clit while a partner is thrusting, or they need to grind their clitoris into his pelvic bone.

So if either of you is assuming that a woman should have orgasms from thrusting alone without a clitoral-stimulation assist, this would be a good time to dispel such a notion.

Fingers Okay, But Not a Vibrator?

Young men tell researchers that it’s perfectly okay with them if they or their partners stimulate the clitoris with their fingers during intercourse. However, they aren’t nearly as enthusiastic about using a vibrator during intercourse. It seems they interpret the vibrator as a rival or as indicating a failure on their part.

Seriously, what does it matter if a woman is using a vibrator or her fingers during intercourse? Intercourse should be about pleasure. Any guy whose partner enjoys using a vibrator during intercourse should consider himself a lucky man. That’s because she’ll be having some pretty intense orgasms, and she’ll associate them with him and the feel of his penis inside of her. (Another thing to experiment with is a vibrating cock ring.)

It’s interesting that guys usually don’t mind if a woman uses a vibrator during anal sex. Maybe one of the allures of anal sex is that it’s more “anything goes” than vaginal intercourse. Or maybe it makes more sense to a man that a woman would use a vibrator when his penis is in her rear.

The Final Approach But No Landing

Women will often get close to having an orgasm, but something happens or changes in the last minute and they suddenly careen away from it. So when you have the orgasm talk, be sure to ask what she needs from you as she approaches orgasm. Is it to be verbal? Quiet? Gentle? Firm? Rough?

Does she want your penis involved, or your fingers or lips, or does she just need you to hold her while she gets there by herself? Does she need a vibrator or anal stimulation? Does she want you to kiss her neck or touch her breasts?

You’ll also want to find out what’s best once she starts to have an orgasm. Should you keep doing exactly what you were doing, or something else?

Then there are the minutes immediately after. How should you be then? The clit can be incredibly sensitive right after orgasm. Some women might want you to put steady pressure on their vulva right after they orgasm. Others will want you to keep doing what you were doing but at a greatly reduced intensity. For others, hands off is the only sensible approach.

Orgasm Obsessed

There is no more certain way to have a terrible time in bed than to become obsessed about orgasms. If you are obsessed about sharing pleasure, no problem. But being obsessed about a woman’s orgasms is a recipe for lovemaking disaster. She’ll feel pressured, and you will feel like a failure.

A special thanks
to Claire Salisbury at Western University in Ontario, Canada, and to Nina Hartley, who suggested in her excellent book
Nina Hartley’s Guide to Total Sex
that having a talk with a woman about what she wants her partner to do just before she starts having an orgasm as well as during and after.

CHAPTER

11

Body Massage—The Ultimate Tenderness

I
n doing research for this book, almost every way that humans give each other sexual pleasure was considered. Attempts were made to view sex through the eyes of mate-swappers, Tantric-sex masters, gays, lesbians, conservative born-again Christians, bondage enthusiasts, and those whose sex lives are really boring. Having left no sexual stone unturned, one and only one universal truth about human sexuality emerged:

No matter what your sexual beliefs, fantasies, kink, or persuasion, nothing beats a good back rub.

Nobody, absolutely nobody, had a single bad thing to say about a good back rub. Ditto for foot massage.

Hard vs. Soft? Male vs. Female?

Just about every book ever written on sex loves to state that men touch women too hard, and that women touch men too soft. Baloney, says a straw poll taken by the Goofy Foot Press. There are two types of touch that both men and women like a great deal:

Feather-Light to Light:
This is where the fingertips lightly dance across the surface of the skin, resulting in a delightful tingling sensation that may or may not raise goosebumps. It can also be done with the flat of the hand doing light, long, gentle strokes.

Deep & Hard:
This is when muscles are kneaded with a strength and authority that chases away stress and tension. The men commented that they often fear they are doing this too hard, but their female partners almost always say it’s just right or to do it harder.

Fortunately, numerous books on touch and massage have been published in the last twenty years. There are also several nicely done videos on the subject. An hour spent reading one of these books or watching a tape will do a great deal for your relationship. Pay special attention to the chapters on foot rubs, hand rubs, and scalp and facial massages. These body parts are often ignored because they aren’t considered blue-chip erogenous zones.

Spectators vs. Participants

Some people struggle to get fully into their bodies. Some have trouble relaxing enough to enjoy what is being shared with them sexually. They need to be hypervigilant about what is going on around them. The same thing happens when a person always needs to perform and has difficulty becoming passive enough to allow sexual things to happen to his or her body.

Learning to massage and be massaged is one way that might help you to relax your body’s armor. This might be anxiety-producing at the start, so go slowly and try to enjoy the gains you are able to make.

Combining Sex & Massage

One reader comments: “My husband often massages my shoulders while I’m giving him head. It feels wonderful and serves to relax me so I can become more easily aroused.” Another reader ties her naked partner’s hands together above his head, lets him watch as she slowly removes her satin panties and then caresses his entire body with them. A third reader drags her hair across her lover’s naked body and eventually wraps it around his genitals. One man reports that the best way to drive his partner into total ecstasy is by brushing her hair or massaging her scalp with his fingertips. Another couple takes long, candlelit showers together, shampooing each other’s hair and soaping each other’s body.

Perhaps you have your own favorite ways of combining massage with sex play. Whatever your inclination, if there is only one thing you take from this book, make the resolve to make massage an integral part of your sexual relationships. Touch and massage might be the most important aspects of human sexuality, outside of the occasional need to replenish the species.

CHAPTER

12

Sex Lubes—A New Look

P
eople use lube when they want to have intercourse but don’t have as much time as they need for things to get all wet and sloppy, or when they have plenty of time but the vagina doesn’t get as slick as they would like. This can happen when a woman is taking the pill or other medications, during marathon lovemaking sessions, when size discrepancies make for a tight fit, and sometimes during or after menopause. Lube helps some women avoid UTIs, causes other women to get vaginal infections, and is often a must for sex if you are having chemo for cancer.

People use lube when they are giving each other hand-jobs, finger fucking, masturbating and for anal sex. Some couples like to incorporate lube into oral sex. It also helps with certain sex toys and it can work wonders for sex in a hot tub.

Marketing Hype

Based on the responses to our sex survey, it’s surprising how many young couples are using lube—couples who you’d think would be dripping wet and ready to go. Perhaps the lack of natural lube is a side effect of hormonal birth control or condoms, or maybe some couples are too rushed to have the time for a woman to get seriously wet.