The Guide to Getting It On (25 page)

Companies that make sex lubes are dumping massive amounts of money into slick marketing campaigns. These campaigns are suggesting that couples who coat their crotches with expensive lubes will reach new levels of sexual bliss or will experience dimensions of intimacy that the poor idiots who rely on nature’s own lube are missing out on. Really? What about things like communication, fun, romance and respect? Does squirting chemicals up your crotch make up for a lack of that?

Don’t Spit on Spit!

Given that people need lubrication for sex, we contacted a professor of gynecology at a medical school and asked him, “What about the old standby of saliva? It seems to have gotten a bum rap these days. Is that because stores can’t sell it or has science discovered something really bad about it?” This professor checked in with one of the world’s leading experts in vulvar pain, and both shared the same opinion about saliva—
it’s an excellent sex lube as long as you don’t need something more slippery
.

If you wonder why these experts might recommend saliva over the pricey stuff, let’s look at the ingredients in a well-known lube that we have recommended in past editions of
The Guide.
This lube is described as water-based, hypo-allergenic and fragrance free. While that sounds good, here’s a list of the chemicals in the lube that will end up inside your body:

Highly purified water, Propylene Glycol, Isopropyl Palmitate, Dimethicone, Cellulose Polymer, Polysorbate 60, Sorbitan Stearate, Stearyl Alcohol, Glyceryl Stearate NSD. B.N.P.D, Di Sodium EDTA, Phenoxy Ethanol, Methyl Paraben, Butyl Paraben, Propyl Paraben, BHT

The good news is that only a couple of these ingredients are listed in the
Hazardous Chemicals Desk Reference.
And why they call it hypoallergenic is interesting, when paraben and glycol are known allergens for some women. As for how the FDA defines “hypoallergenic”—they don’t. A staff member of the FDA couldn’t find any criteria for what a hypoallergenic lube is.

Worse yet, a company that distributes one of the best-known lubricants that people use for sex recently sent a petition to the FDA claiming that vaginal moisturizers are cosmetics as opposed to drugs. That’s because cosmetics don’t require any greater governmental scrutiny than hand creams or make-up remover. If personal lubricants and vaginal moisturizers were classified as drugs, the manufacturers might have to do clinical trials to show that these products are actually safe and effective.

Healthcare professionals often feel reassured about sex lubes because they assume that sex lubes are approved by the FDA. That’s a nice fiction. As long as sex lubes are classified as cosmetics, they aren’t evaluated for use in mucus membranes such as the vagina, rectum or urethra—where absorption of chemicals into the bloodstream can be quite high.

The fact is, no governmental agency is carefully watching over the things we buy in stores that go inside of our most private of parts. According to FDA guidelines, Goofy Foot Press could set up its own sex-lube factory in a garage if it met the FDA’s checklist, which isn’t exactly rocket science. Because the FDA is so short-staffed they probably wouldn’t visit but once every 3 to 4 years. We could easily get away with having rodents or shedding cats in our sex-lube factory. We could go for years without washing our hands while making sex lube that you might buy in stores.

No agency checks to make sure that what’s in the bottles of sex lube is what’s listed on the label. A few years ago, researcher Bruce Voeller found something like mercury or arsenic in one of the brands of lube that he tested. Bruce suggested only buying sex lube from a company that also manufactures pharmaceuticals. He felt the chances are greater that products from such a factory are safer because it is watched more closely by the FDA, although Johnson & Johnson has proven that to be false. As for a shocking lack of common sense, a large pharmaceutical company was selling vaginal moisturizer whose main active ingredient was too dangerous for use in cows. But maybe cow puss is more sensitive than human puss.

Does this mean you shouldn’t use store-bought lubes or vaginal moisturizers? No. But don’t assume that the companies who make sex lube receive any more oversight than Wall Street.

Commercial lubes might be great for you and a wonderful enhancement to your sex life, especially if your body is changing and you don’t lubricate like the schoolgirl you once were. However, why not try saliva first? If it doesn’t work, by all means, go for something that’s more slick. But if that’s the case, why not consider the type of lubes that some of the medical-school urology departments are recommending coconut oil, almond oil and other vegetable oils.

Oil in My Vagina?

You’ve probably heard that women are not supposed to put Vaseline or petroleum jelly inside their vagina. So why is it possible that coconut, almond or other vegetable oils might be okay? The answer is that Vaseline is a petroleum-based product while coconut oil and the other vegetable oils are plant-based and not thought to gunk up your junk. Due to the smaller size of its molecules, coconut oil might be a better vegetable oil for sex, assuming it is fresh and pure. Unfortunately, there is no science to back this up. It is unlikely coconut growers will fund such studies, and the last thing the lube-making companies would do is fund a study that might show spit or vegetable oil are as good or better than what they’re selling for $5 to $20 an ounce. It’s also unlikely that Congress would spend tax dollars on something this useful when it could spend the money on abstinence-only.

All things considered, the words ”saliva” and “coconut oil” do sound better for a vagina than propylene glycol, hydroxymethylcellulose, sorbitol and polysorbate 60, but check with your gynecologist for the final word.

NOTE:
If you are looking for a natural sex lube, our friends at
A Woman’s Touch
recommend coconut oil. They find that due to its shorter molecules, coconut oil absorbs nicely into the walls of the vagina. Olive oil, with its longer molecules, does not seem to absorb into the walls of the vagina and can collect around the cervix, resulting in a rancid-smelling crotch.

Condoms & Sheets

You should never use petroleum-based products like baby oil, mineral oil, hand lotion or Vaseline with latex condoms, as they dissolve the latex in the condom. The same seems true for using vegetable oils with latex condoms, at least based on the experiment we tried here. As of presstime, the only condom that is safe for use with oil-based lubes is the Trojan Supra. So if saliva won’t do the job with your latex condom, you’ll need to use a store-bought, water-based lube.

As for oil stains on the sheets, you don’t need to be using salad-dressing proportions of lube. All it usually takes is a couple of drops to do the job. If there are stains, try spraying the spot with something like Shout while the sheet is still on the mattress and then throw the sheet into the wash. Or put a large dedicated lovemaking towel under you before the banging begins. (See the following section for stains caused by silicone lubes.)

Lube Basics

Different lubes allow different amounts of sensation. The brand of lube to use will depend on the kind of sex you are having and the kind of feeling you and your partner enjoy. Some lubes are thin, which allow you to feel more sensation, others are more cushioning. If you rub the lube between your fingers, see if you can still feel the ridges. If not, it’s probably a more cushioning lube that might be better for weekend-warrior sex.

There are also lubes that contain silicone. Some people love the feel, others don’t. You might say, “I’ve heard that silicone is unsafe in breast implants. Why would I want to stick it in private places?” If you have ever been on the receiving end of a penis that’s wearing a pre-lubricated condom, you’ve had silicone inside of you. Silicone molecules are supposedly too large to be absorbed into the body. The problem with leaky boob implants is that the silicone gets trapped inside the chest with no way to get out.

Most silicone lubes are water-based, which means you can use them with latex condoms. The silicone keeps the lube from drying out, but doesn’t come off very easily. Another advantage of using silicone is if you are having sex in water. Pool water washes away the body’s natural lubrication, making intercourse difficult. Silicone-based lubes are slow to wash off and will help keep your piston pumping longer if you’re having intercourse in hot tubs, bathtubs, lakes, rivers or oceans. Slop some on your genitals while they are still dry. You might also try a vegetable-oil lube for sex in water.

A possible problem with silicone lubes is their effect on silicone sex toys. It’s not pretty. Silicone lubes can stain the heck out of your sheets. You might try treating the stains with Dawn dish detergent or a sheet-safe degreaser, but the prognosis might not be good. (Make sure you don’t use that set of sheets on the bed when your mom is visiting.) Also, if you are into electric sex—the serious kind with probes and electrodes—do not use silicone-based lubes. The silicone acts as an insulator. Note: Silicone lubes become a slipping hazard if they drip on the floor, especially if you use them in the shower.

Glycerin in Lubes

Lubes that are glycerin-based tend to be slicker than other lubes, which means if you rub them between your fingers you won’t feel the ridges as much as with lubes like
Liquid Silk
. People who prefer lubes with glycerin say they feel “really fast.” One problem that some women have with glycerin is that it’s similar to glucose. In a woman’s vagina, glucose is one of the things that yeast feeds on. Too much of it can encourage a robust yeast colony where you don’t want one. So if you are prone to yeast infections, are immuno-suppressed, or have diabetes, consider a sex lube without glycerin.

Other Sex-Lube Woes

Believe it or not, women can get friction burns in the vagina when a lube is too gloppy or gets thick from drying out. So avoid gloppy lubes if you are experiencing discomfort. If you are having sex and your lube is getting gummy or is drying out, try adding a few drops of water or saliva to rehydrate it instead of more lube.

The propylene glycol that is in some lubes can be an irritant for some women. So can lubes with a high pH, such as Astroglide.

When a Woman Feels Too Wet

Some women lubricate so much that they can’t really feel the penis going in and out. If you are having this problem, have your partner pull out every now and then and dry the both of you off with a towel. Some people suggest trying an over-the-counter antihistamine to help dry up your natural lube if it’s a problem, but you might check with your healthcare provider first. If you need to be taking an antihistamine and are too dry as a result, lube might be helpful .

Lubes for Anal Play

Historically, the lube of choice for all things anal was a famous brand of vegetable shortening. Then came the ‘80s, the plague, and the modern day sex-lube wars. Nowadays, just about everyone who is into anal sex has a “slippery top ten.” Good luck finding a consensus on which is best.

Vegetable shortening remains the standard that today’s anal-sex lubes are trying to copy, but without the downsides. Vegetable shortening has no antibacterial properties, so dipping back into the can might contaminate it. While fine for your fries, vegetable shortening melts latex condoms, which are thought to be safer for anal intercourse than polyurethane condoms. It tends to leave rancid-smelling sheets with wicked stains, and there might be problems with gnarly vegetable-shortening-fecal-ooze dripping from a woman’s anus into her vagina if she is in an ass-over-tea kettle position.

There are no warnings on the side of vegetable shortening containers that say, “Use only in your oven and not up your bum.” On the other hand, there are no scientific studies on the safety of any lubes for anal sex. So while there are plenty of opinions, no one really knows what’s best. Saying they use “FDA-approved ingredients” means absolutely nothing, as the FDA does not have a list of approved ingredients for anal intercourse.

There are plenty of water-based lubes that will do the job for anal sex without your butt dripping grease like the grill at McDonald’s. Be careful with lubes that contain pain-killers, like
Anal-Eze, Anal Ease
or
Tushy Tamer.
These are like disabling the smoke alarms in your home after you burned the toast. Pain during anal sex is an important indicator that you are being too rough, aren’t relaxed enough, turned on enough, or that anal sex is not for you. Plus, if something numbs your anus, it will numb your partner’s penis, setting the stage for a marathon run in your rectum.

GNARLY WARNING:
Sorbitol and glycerin are used in a lot of sex lubes. They are also an active ingredient in laxatives and suppositories. Think about it before grabbing just any lube for anal sex.

Anal Fisting

The fisting world seems to be divided into traditional vegetable-shortening fisters, postmodern oil-based fisters who prefer
Elbow Grease, Boy Butter, ID Cream
and
Men’s Cream
, and reformed fisters who use thick water-based lubes like
Astroglide Gel, Probe Thick and Rich, Eros Silicone Gel
or
Eros Cream.