The Guide to Getting It On (26 page)

Lubes for Hand-Jobs and Masturbation

Avoid hand creams for hand jobs and masturbation. Most hand creams and moisturizers are designed to be absorbed by the skin so people won’t feel like greased pigs after they use them. The macro-molecules that make up moisturizers are designed to go flat fast. As a result, most hand moisturizers are poor performers for sex or massage, although you can occasionally find a good one.

Whether it is for giving your partner a super-dooper hand-job or just for jerking off, you’ll want a lube that leaves a woody wet and slippery. One approach is to try an oil-based lubricant, such as canola, corn oil, coconut oil, vegetable oil, mineral oil, almond oil, baby oil, or massage oil. A popular and nearly legendary jerk-off lubricant is a facial cleanser called
Albolene.
Newer products that might feel similar to
Albolene
are
Men’s Cream
and
Boy Butter. Elbow Grease
has been a jerk-off standard since 1979. For those of you who like roasting your nuts but have no open fire, there’s
Elbow Grease Hot
with menthol. Some wankers swear by
ID Cream.
J-Lube Note:
J-Lube
, is a powdered veterinary lube that you add water to. While it’s also used for jerking off, beware that a tiny amount of
J-Lube
in the peritoneal cavity (gut) of a horse or cow will quickly kill the animal. We’re talking a few final moo’s and all four hooves are sticking straight in the air. Read the warning label!

If you’ve invested a major part of your stock portfolio in companies whose main product is men’s masturbation lube, keep in mind that a whole generation of uncut males is entering puberty in the US. Uncut guys don’t need lube for jerking off. Their factory-equipped foreskins do the job.

Women’s Genitals (On the Outside) and Oral Sex

Women have used saliva for masturbating since the beginning of time.
Vaseline
(petroleum jelly) or non-scented oils like mineral oil and coconut oil work well for rubbing a clit during masturbation or vulva massage. The newer water-based lubes can be excellent. Scented lubes and anything that contains nonoxynol-9 should be avoided because they can cause irritation.

Using
Vaseline,
baby oil or mineral oil may seem like a contradiction, because wisdom has it that petroleum-based lubes shouldn’t go up your puss, but plenty of women seem to use them on the outside.

As for lubes to lick, check with your favorite sex-toy store for lubes that taste good when mixed with vaginal juices. Some lubes come in a number of flavors including champagne cocktail, chocolate truffle, cinnamon toddy, egg nog, juicy fruit, lemon drops, orange and passionate pumpkin. Unfortunately for some of our readers, there’s no Jack Daniel’s flavored sex lube.

If you like lube with oral sex, why not try a food-grade vegetable oil, unless you are following up with latex-condom intercourse.

Vaginal Moisturizers and “Arousal Creams”

Vaginal moisturizers are for situations like vaginal atrophy or post menopausal issues as opposed to when you need a lube for a quick screw. One popular vaginal moisturizer,
Replens,
might actually work like a chemical peel—not necessarily a bad thing, but can be irritating for some women.

Estrogen creams are often prescribed for vaginal dryness. Do not use estrogen products or an
Estring
as lubes for intercourse! These are for vaginal atrophy, which is different from the dryness a 21-year-old might have.

We are also at the dawn of a new age in “arousal creams.” It’s strange what a huge disconnect there sometimes is between the claims of the companies that make the creams and the women who actually use them. While the creams claim to bring more blood flow into the crotch, some users say it feels like rubbing
Vicks VapoRub
on their clits.

Would five minutes more of kissing before intercourse have the same result as arousal creams which sometimes smell like old bacon grease (really expensive old bacon grease)? Instead, how about trying a good sex fantasy when you are with your partner? Then again, if you like it and the product works for you, more power to it and you.

CHAPTER

13

Sex Legal

F
or the first time in 80 years, the government has changed its definition of rape. And the courts are defining “consent” more narrowly than in the past. This brief chapter gives a look at some of the issues involved, and why you should take them to heart.

The Guide’s Policy on When to Call It Quits

• An agreement to kiss is not an agreement to have intercourse. It never has been. Feeling each other up and discovering the woman’s vagina is wet is not consent to put a penis in it. Wearing a short, sexy dress is not an invitation to take it off or to reach under it.
  
• If a potential partner doesn’t want sex every bit as much as you do, go home and masturbate. If the relationship is worth it, phone the next day and talk things over.
  
• If you need to convince someone to have sex with you, then it’s the wrong person, time or place. If someone needs to convince you to have sex with them, then it’s the wrong person, time or place.
  
• Consent in the past is not a raincheck for sex in the future. Just because someone gave you permission before doesn’t mean you have permission now. Always ask if it’s okay.
  

Until the last twenty years, people thought of rape as something that was committed by a stranger who lurked in the shadows or pried a woman’s bedroom window open. No one thought of it as something your date did after the two of you started making out. But as researchers interviewed more women, they started hearing accounts of when men would not stop, in spite of a woman’s protests.

There are men who are adept at engaging women in kissing or petting, and then raping them in the same manner as “traditional” rapists who lurk in corners. Men like these can come from wealthy families who are on the social A-lists. They can be sports heroes. They can be divinity students at your local Bible college, or the nice guy sitting on the bar stool next to you.

To help prevent date rape, the courts have had to push the limits of what consent is into a somewhat artificial and awkward place. Until we find a better solution, the new definition of consent will be the law of the land. The onus of stopping sexplay now rests on the male the moment a woman says, “Stop!” or “Maybe I should go” or “This doesn’t feel good.” She may have agreed to have intercourse, but if she changes her mind after 300 thrusts, a man better pull out on thrust number 301 as opposed to thrust number 306.

In a recent decision for the State of California Supreme Court called People v. John Z, a woman agreed to have intercourse, but at some point during the intercourse, she indicated that she might want to leave. She didn’t say “Stop” or “I don’t want to keep doing this.” The court found that she was raped because the man did not stop the moment she indicated a change of heart. Interestingly, it was a female member of the court who dissented.

Making sure a woman can legally consent to sex is now the job of the male, and it is very different from what you might think. Even if a woman bought the first two rounds of drinks or brought the pot and rolled the joints, she is not legally able to consent to sex if she has been drinking or smoking. This can be true even if she voluntarily went down on the man to help him get hard and put in the penis herself.

It doesn’t matter if both of you were equally drunk or stoned: this does not excuse the male from the burden of realizing that a woman who has been drinking or smoking cannot legally consent to sex. Just the fact that she has been drinking makes intercourse sexual assault in some states. Also, it is not legal in many situations to have sex with a woman if you are her boss, her teacher, her minister, her physician or her coach.

Don’t assume a woman is playing a game when she hesitates or says “No.” And never, ever try to win her over with pressure or persuasiveness. The courts have made it clear that this will not be tolerated. In the absence of a woman making it completely clear that she wants sex, a man needs to assume that sex is neither desired nor is it legal. Prison is no place where you want to be, and it’s easy to find yourself there if you push sex on another person.

Rape Redefined

In 2012, the Attorney General announced a change in how the federal government defines rape. Rape is now defined as the penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any part of the body without the victim’s consent. Oral sex, the rape of a man, and the rape of a woman by a woman are now included, as well sex where the victim was not able to give legal consent because she or he was intoxicated or drugged.

If You Know You Have a Communicable Disease

If you know you have a communicable disease and do not inform a new partner, you can be sued. Not only is it morally right to inform someone you are about to have sex with that you have a contagious condition such as herpes, HPV or HIV, warning them will help you cover your legal bases as well.

Answers to Questions from Inquiring Minds

To Mark of the University of Georgia:
When it comes to sex, we’ve all been misled (or led on) at one time or another. Some of us have misled others. Even if it seemed like she wanted sex as much as you, the second she looked at her watch and said “Gotta go” you should have had your penis in your pants faster than a tachyon through a crack in the cosmic egg.

To LouAnne at Texas Women’s University:
The two of you had been slamming down shots of tequila in his bedroom and he was wearing blue jeans three sizes too small in all the right places. LouAnne, it wouldn’t matter if he were buck naked and had a red tassel on the end of his penis, when a person says “No more” you need to respect his wishes. Even if a partner has their tongue halfway down your throat for the better part of an hour, if they suddenly pull it out and wag it in a way that says “This is all you’re gonna get,” then you’d better stop. The same is true if the two of you have been married for ten or twenty years. A ring or wedding vow is not consent to rape.

To Randy at Fairleigh Dickinson University:
The two of you had been flirting for weeks. She invited you to a party. Both of you had been drinking when she saw you from across the room. She threw her arms around you and said, “Let’s go upstairs, find someplace private, and have the sex we’ve always dreamed about.” The following Monday, you find yourself arrested for rape. How can this be? “Informed consent” implies that your partner was sober enough to make a rational decision. It doesn’t matter if the two of you had been flirting for weeks. If she was not sober when she put the moves on you, it is you who can be charged with a crime in some states. And even if you win, which you very well might, it will cost you thousands of dollars to defend yourself and the personal toll will be immense.

CHAPTER

14

Handjobs: Different Strokes For Different Blokes