The Guide to Getting It On (50 page)

While it’s easy to blow up a condom the size of a watermelon, that doesn’t mean you can roll a condom over a watermelon. That’s because when you first start to unroll a condom, you are dealing with a thick ring of condom material that doesn’t stretch much at all. It’s only when a condom is fully unrolled that it stretches to obscene proportions. And even then, some guys prefer condoms that are baggy around the head.

But if the reason you are buying a condom that’s the size of a circus tent is to impress your friends or a partner, the truth is going to come out once your pants are down. And if you don’t need the extra large size, the condom is more likely to slip off during intercourse.

Lubing Protocol

When you are wearing a condom, you are putting a waterproof barrier between two body parts which nature designed to share fluids. To help compensate, some couples add lubrication to the outside of the condom. This helps to make up for the loss of natural lubrication.

For increased sensation, you might also try putting a dab of saliva or a small amount of lube on the head of the penis before you put the condom on. After you’ve rolled the condom down the shaft, smush the condom material around the head so you are spreading out the lube. This will allow the head of the penis to slip and slide inside the condom during intercourse. (Some condoms now come with lube already on the inside.) Make sure the lower part of the penis is dry and has no lube on it. And if you are putting a condom on right after receiving oral sex, be sure the shaft of the penis is dry so the condom won’t slip off during intercourse.

Lube and Condom Compatibility

Unless you are using a condom that’s made of polyurethane like the Trojan Supra, be sure the lube is compatible with latex. If the bottle or box of lube doesn’t say “safe for use with latex condoms,” don’t use it.

Marathon Sex and Rough Sex

Condoms will usually dry out during marathon sex, so lube up accordingly. However, after you’ve applied a certain amount of lube, try adding water instead to rehydrate the lube in order to avoid having a gunky, glue-like mess. Intensity of thrusting shouldn’t cause a condom to break—it’s not like they are fragile as long as you are wearing the right size condom and are using lube if you need it. So don’t think you need to go gentle if both of you prefer a rougher ride.

Foreskin Wedgies?

Condoms work fine for the vast majority of men with foreskins. However, if you are uncut and are having condom-related problems, you might retract your foreskin if you can and put a drop or two of lube on the head of your penis before putting the condom on. Then, after you roll the condom on, work the foreskin back and forth over the head of your penis with your fingers to get the lube all smushed around. A condom with a baggy head or more headroom might help as well. Some men who are uncut find relief when their partner uses the female condom.

Reasons Why Condoms Break

One of the most common reasons why condoms break is from damage due to blunt puncture. That’s when the condom material gathers more tightly around the head of the penis with each thrust, until the penis bursts through the condom.

If you feel a condom tightening around your penis, pull out right away and make sure that the condom material hasn’t stretched over the head of your penis. If it has, assume that damage has been done to the condom material, and put on a new condom.

Another reason why condoms break is when couples use lubrication that is not condom safe on latex condoms. Make sure that any lube you use with latex condoms states on the container that it is safe to use with latex condoms.

Do not use Vaseline or petroleum jelly, or hand creams or lotions like Nivea, Johnson’s Baby Oil, Vaseline Intensive Care, Corn Huskers, or Jergens to lubricate the outside of a latex condom. These will instantly rot the latex.

If your penis is of the jumbo variety, try out the various magnum or maximum sizes. If your penis doesn’t cast the widest shadow in town, get a condom that’s snugger fitting.

Teeth, nails and jewelry can cause tiny nicks in condoms. Do not open condom packages with knives, scissors or your teeth. And finally, check the date on the package of condoms. Latex does not last forever.

Reservoir Tips May Be Irrelevant

Some condom brands make a big deal about having reservoir tips to hold a man’s ejaculate. There are a couple of problems with this concept. The first is that most reservoir tips hold about 2.9 ml. of ejaculate. While half of all guys produce 2.9 ml. or less, there’s still another 50% of men who produce more than 2.9 ml., which means their tips runneth over.

The other problem with reservoir tips is the assumption that they really do hold the fluid. Reservoir tip or not, try to squish the air out the end of the condom before rolling it down the shaft of your penis.

Do You Need To Leave Extra Material at the End?

Conventional wisdom advises to leave an extra half of an inch at the end of the condom before rolling it over the head of the penis. But there has never been any science to say whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing. So the best advice is to follow the instructions that come with the brand of condoms you are using.

If a Condom Doesn’t Come Out When You Do

For a condom that doesn’t come out with the penis it rode in on, take solace in knowing there’s no place for it to go. The condom might play a mean game of hide’n’seek behind the woman’s cervix, but that’s about it.

The first step in finding an unmoored condom is to wash your hands and make sure your nails are well-trimmed. The woman might try lying on her back with her knees up, like when she’s at the gyno’s. This is no time for modesty: the farther apart her legs, the better. Explore her vagina with your index finger. If lube is necessary, use just a little. Extra lube might make it difficult to grab the condom. If you don’t have lube, try spit.

If female sexual anatomy is one of life’s great mysteries for you, see the illustrations in Chapter 7:
What’s Inside a Girl.
Look at how the cervix is located at the far end of the vagina on the roof side. It might feel like the tip of your nose. Try exploring the space in the back of the cervix with your finger. If the condom is there, try to dislodge it and edge it into a more accessible part of your partner’s vagina, like where your penis was when it jettisoned the thing.

Once you have a good handle on where the condom is, you might try inserting your index and middle fingers in the hopes of snagging the rim of the condom between your fingertips which will act like pincers, tongs or pliers. Condoms are stretchy, so pull it out by the rim slowly but firmly. If your partner clamps down when you are trying to insert two fingers, go slowly and gently. It’s not like her vagina is going to suddenly implode if you take an extra ten minutes searching for the buried latex treasure.

If you have any questions or concerns, call your doctor or visit an emergency room. If you were using the condom for birth control, the operative words are “Emergency Contraception,” “Plan B,” “Ella,” or “a Copper IUD.” For condoms that get lost during anal sex, see Chapter 24:
Anal Sex: Up Your Bum
.

What to do if a Condom Breaks

If you were using a condom for birth control and discover that it broke while in service, immediately take emergency contraception. Ella and Plan B are two different pills used for emergency contraception that can be very effective in preventing pregnancy if you take them right away.

In the meantime, do not inject birth control foam or jelly into the vagina. The pressure might push the ejaculate up into the cervix. The same is true for douching. Instead, try inserting a contraceptive suppository if you’ve got one. Wash your external genitals and pee. And if you honestly think that douching with Pepsi, Coke or Mountain Dew is going to do anything but prove that you’re the world’s biggest fool, nothing this book has to say is going to count for much.

Who Brings the Condom? Reasons for Mistrust

Researchers have found that males don’t always trust the condoms that females supply. One fear is that a woman may have poked a hole in it if she wants to get pregnant. A second concern is that she may have had it in her purse since she was in junior high. Women sometimes mistrust male-supplied condoms as well: How old is that sucker? Did he have it have it in the same pocket with three jump drives and his car keys?

These problems can be greatly reduced if the two of you talk about it first and perhaps order condoms online or buy them in a store together.

Resources:
For an outrageously large list of links for condom sampler packs, visit the links section of our website at
www.Guide2Getting.com
.

CHAPTER

23

Horizontal Jogging

I
ntercourse can mean different things. As shown in this chapter, it is an intensely private and delicious act. You can use it to honor and expand your relationship at the same time that you are doing satisfying things with your body. It is also what couples do when they want to create new life. We try to present it with a level of feeling and intelligence not normally found in popular books on sex that mostly focus on positions.

Dick, Laura & Craig

To learn more about the role of intercourse in sex, this book has invaded the privacy of three young adults, Dick, Craig, and Laura. Laura used to go out with Dick, and now she’s involved with Craig. Here are their stories:

DICK

Dick is a very nice-looking guy who won his fraternity’s “Mr. All-America” title two years in a row. Dick has a nice job, a nice social manner, drives a nice sports car, wears nice clothes, has nice biceps, triceps, and pecs, and goes out with nice women. Since this is a book about sex, you might as well know that Dick has a tree trunk of a penis that stays rock hard from dusk to dawn. A former girlfriend referred to it as “the sentry.”

CRAIG

Craig is the same age as Dick. Craig is a sports writer. Craig is no longer eligible for the Mr. All-America contest. During a football game a few years ago, Craig went airborne to catch an overthrown pass. On the way down he got sandwiched between two spearing linebackers. Craig’s spinal cord snapped, and he hasn’t been able to walk or have an erection since.

LAURA

Laura is a fine young woman who just left a big corporation to form her own company that makes sporting gear. Laura’s had sex with both Dick and Craig. Let’s see what Laura has to say about these two different men.

“Dick’s the kind of guy that many American women have been raised to worship. Parading him around your friends or taking him home to your parents would win you the female equivalent of the Breeder’s Cup. I’ve always really enjoyed sex, and until recently I could never understand why a woman would want to fake an orgasm. But it didn’t take too many nights with Dick before I started faking orgasms. There was Dick, Mr. Right Stuff, making picture-perfect love. I didn’t want him to think there was something wrong with me since I couldn’t get into it like he was, so I started faking orgasms.”

“Craig is nowhere near as perfect as Dick, but he has a great sense of humor and he is genuine. Craig is able to laugh at himself, which Dick never could. Craig has taken the time to learn exactly how to kiss, touch, and caress me, and the sex I have with him is great. When I’m with Craig I don’t need to fake a thing.”