The Guide to Getting It On (121 page)

In order to treat erection problems that are caused by relationship problems, your friend and his partner might try to forget all that they know about each other and start over again as if they’d just met. This can be difficult, especially if they have had some really lousy times together. They might try taking a month or two doing things like hugging, touching and talking, with no attempt at intercourse. They also might try sharing romantic dinners, movies and the types of things they enjoyed doing when they first met. How about racking their bowling balls and taking a trip around the country? They might discover that there really is life after bowling. On the other hand, some couples do better when they spend less time with each other. This can be especially true when they are newly retired and suddenly find themselves in each other’s face 24 hours a day.

He and his wife should be reminded that the more mature the penis, the more hands-on play and wooing it needs in order to get hard. Lots and lots. Also, there’s the possibility that your friend had erection problems before he and his wife met. And if none of that helps, there’s this Sufi saying....

Soft Hard vs. Hard Hard

Most younger men don’t realize that there are at least two separate mechanisms that make for an erection. That’s because when they are sexually aroused, their penis can go so fast from the first step to the second step that it’s all pretty much a blur.

The first step is when the penis starts to get bigger and becomes just hard enough for intercourse but is still kind of floppy. It requires a separate mechanism or a second step to take an erection from bigger-but-floppy to seriously hard. (In urology speak, the first step utilizes the veno-occlusive mechanism while the second step requires cavernosal artery perfusion pressure.)

While a lot of men with ED are able to achieve the first step, failure to complete the second step leaves them with a “soft erection” that’s maybe hard enough to stuff into a vagina. This can result in intercourse that doesn’t last as long as it used to, or intercourse that isn’t as much fun as it used to be. So there are at least two issues to be aware of if you are having ED problems—whether your penis can get big enough, and then whether it can get hard enough. For many men, erection drugs help make the second step more doable. On the other hand, Viagra isn’t going to transform a middle-aged or older penis into that of an 18-year old. We’re talking an assist, not a miracle.

The Finest Viagra Quote

One of the finest quotes about Viagra is from the
Boston Globe
’s Ellen Goodman:

“I can’t help wondering why we got a pill to help men with performance instead of communication. Moreover, how is it possible that we came up with a male impotence pill before we got a male birth control pill? The Vatican, you will note, has approved Viagra while still condemning condoms.”

Viagra & Friends—Be Sure to Read the Instructions

Remember how Barbie had friends like Skipper and Midge? Viagra has pill friends, with names like Levitra, Cialis and Stendra. People often prefer Cialis because you don’t have to take it soon before intercourse. Another problem with Viagra is that you need to take it on an empty stomach. This is a major reason why Viagra doesn’t work very well for some men: they don’t take it on an empty stomach. If you are taking boner drugs, be sure to carefully read all of the instructions

Also, do not buy boner drugs from online sellers unless you know they are a licensed pharmacy. There is a lot of counterfeit Viagra on the Internet.

Viagra in the Cockpit

Pilots are not allowed to take Viagra for twelve hours before a flight. The FAA does not want the co-pilot to accidentally grab the pilot’s erection instead of the landing-gear controls. Viagra also inhibits an enzyme in the penis which helps the blood vessels dilate. A similar enzyme in our eyes might possibly be impacted by Viagra. This is why there has been concern that Viagra could result in altered color perception. Pilots who are taking Viagra have apparently seen flying vaginas in the friendly skies. Note: Researchers are now saying that if the pilots are seeing vaginas, it’s because a stewardess is dancing around the cockpit naked. Hard as they tried, they weren’t able to show that Viagra was impacting vision. If you are having visual issues after taking, try switching to one of the other boner drugs that has less of an affinity to impact the enzymes in the eye.

Levitra as a Thrill Pill?

At least the Viagra people have had the decency to market their drug toward guys who might actually need it. No such claim can be made by the makers of Levitra, which is clearly going for the younger man who gets it up just fine. In one of their ads, they show a young stud trying to throw a football through a tire. It bounces off to the side. After Levitra is mentioned, the boy gets the ball through the tire several times. He is then joined by his smiling wife or girlfriend, whose tires he seems to have rotated quite nicely.

The interesting thing about boner drugs is they don’t add a whole lot to the experience if you’re able to get a good erection to begin with. And as is related in Chapter 5:
On the Penis
, the recreational use of boner drugs can cause psychological dependence on them.

Other Chemicals That Make You Hard

There are some compounds that cause a diehard erection when they are injected into the penis, assuming the penile plumbing can maintain an erection once the penis gets hard. A compound called Papervine was formerly used for this purpose, but now there are different combinations of ingredients used in the injections. One popular combination includes papervine, phentolamine, and prostaglandin E1.

Also, there is a kind of prostaglandin which a man shoots into his urethra (peehole) to help give himself an erection. It’s like a fertilizer stick that you shove in the soil next to your droopy houseplants.

There are other orally-prescribed drugs that can help some men to get hard. One drug that is sometimes prescribed is called yohimbine. Yohimbine is native to Africa. It can often be found in health food stores. Since the cost of yohimbine isn’t much more by prescription, why not get it from a urologist? That way you will be monitored for side effects and you can be sure you are getting the yohimbine in consistent doses, which is not true for the yohimbine in health food stores. The doc can also rule out other possible causes of the erection problem. Other drugs for impotence that are being tested include one that is administered in cream form. The problem is getting the cream to penetrate through the part of the penis that surrounds the vascular tissue. Another problem is stiffness in your fingers after applying the cream.

“Ejaculate Like a Porn Star,” “Add an Inch in Two Weeks,” “Natural Male Enhancement,” “Recharge Your Libido”— Some Seriously Iffy Ideas

There is probably not a living human being who hasn’t seen ads for herbal pills that promise to get you horny, big and hard. Some of these products are cleverly marketed to make them look legitimate.

Some of the companies that produce these pills being shut down for consumer fraud. Also, if the worst of your in-laws wanted to make herbal supplements in their garage where their fourteen cats sleep, they could. And they could sell them on TV. There is no regulation on herbal supplements. They can put strychnine and cow plops in the herbal pills they sell. The only way the government will test herbal pills is if about a dozen people suddenly die.

If there really were a pill that could put a smile on Bob’s face and do all of the things the scammers and spammers say their pills can do, don’t you think the multi-billion dollar drug companies would be selling it?

Mechanical Devices for Getting Hard & Surgical Implants

Some men find that the vacuum pump is a useful erection aid. It is a little bulky and cumbersome, but worth a try if you are in search of a lost erection. What do you have to lose, unless there are medical reasons why you shouldn’t. There are different suppliers for vacuum pumps. Be sure the pump you get includes gaskets which keep your scrotum from getting sucked up into the vacuum tube. Some of the penis pumper companies that market to gay males sell excellent units for less than half of the ones that are medicare approved. Still, expect to pay $100 for a decent rig.

There are different surgical implants, from semi-rigid shanks to implants with little pumps that will give a man an erection. Frequent improvements are being made in the technology. Please research this subject carefully before making an incision—uh, decision.

The Tour de France in Your Pants

Urologists have been saying for years that bicycle seats are causing erection problems for hard riders (or formerly hard riders). They’ve been seeing case after case of young riders with numbness in their crotches and erection issues. It’s not so much that riders can’t get it up, but that it won’t stay up. Instead of wanting to study the matter further, some of the bike magazines tried to discredit the concerned physicians.

But the bicycle industry underestimated the steadfastness of the crotch docs who spend hours each day with their faces between mens’ legs. The crotch docs wired bicycle seats with more sensors than the Sands Casino when it was demolished. They did studies on bicycle-riding policemen whose penis heads were connected to oxygen sensors. They found that the typical bicycle saddle robs the penis of 80% of its oxygen and causes a decrease in erections during sleep. Plus, there’s a major nerve to your penis that runs between your legs. It takes a terrible thrashing when you are using a traditional saddle. You know that tingling sensation after riding a bike for awhile? It’s not normal. It is from crotch compression which can damage the nerves in your penis or clitoris.

When you sit in a chair, your weight is distributed across your entire butt and thighs. Because of the wide distribution of weight, the circulation in the crotch is not compromised and the nerves aren’t damaged. But when you are on a bike, the entire weight of your body is bearing down a very small part of your crotch that provides the oxygen and nerves to your genitals. As for the newer bike saddles with the cut-outs? They can actually make the problem worse, as there’s even less area to distribute your weight over.

Unfortunately, women are no more immune than guys. Researchers found a measurable decrease in sexual sensation for women who ride seriously. They’ve also found a condition on competitive riders called “Bicyclist’s Vulva” where one of the labia can grow really big due to the pounding a girl’s crotch takes from the seat.

The solution? There are two. The first is to raise the handlebars above the level of the seat so you sit up instead of crouching over. This will help somewhat. The other solution is to get a saddle without a nose called a no-nose saddle. Inner-city cops who chase criminals on bikes swear by them. For a list of no-nose saddles, visit
www.no-nose.com
.

Peyronie’s Disease (PD)

This is a condition that results in a curving or bending deformity of the penis. It can range from mild to so severe that intercourse is not possible and there can be pain with erection. PD results from plaques forming on the tunica albuginea of the penis. This results in scar tissue that prevents that side of the penis from expanding during erection. This causes curvature during erection and sometimes pain. (Think of what happens if you put a piece of tape on one side of a long balloon and then try to blow it up.)

Most PD patients are between 45 and 65 years of age, with the average onset occurring at 53 years. The causes of PD are not fully understood. There is no approved treatment for PD. Attempts to treat PD have including intralesional nicardipine injection, vacuum therapy, vitamin E, potaba, colchicine, tamoxifen, carnitine, pentoxifylline, PDE5 inhibitors and surgery. Treatment options and success often depend on the stage and severity of the PD. While there is spontaneous repair in some cases, these would be in the minority. Men with moderate to severe cases are often clinically depressed, describing themselves as “feeling like a freak.” Pyronie’s-related depression can take its toll on a relationship. If it’s a problem for you, find a urologist who specializes in the treatment of Peyronie’s Disease.

Pharmaceutical Sex Assassins That Impact Both Men and Women

You wouldn’t believe how many over-the-counter or prescription medications can mess with everything from your ability to get hard or wet to your feelings of desire. For instance, just taking a common antihistamine can keep a woman from lubricating. Extending this into a worst-case scenario:

1. A woman takes an antihistamine to help with her runny nose. It dries up her nose, and her vagina.

2. Because of the dry vagina, she starts having painful intercourse.

3. Because of the pain, the muscles in her vagina tense up whenever she sees her husband’s penis get hard.

4. The tensing up in her vagina becomes a learned response, and continues for long after she’s stopped taking the allergy medicine.

5. Because of the constant pain, she experiences a decrease in sexual desire, which causes her insecure husband to have an affair. She finds out about it and files for divorce. All because she took a couple of Sudafed! Or maybe she’s taking an antidepressant which decreases sexual desire. How sad, a divorce due to an antidepressant.

At the top of the list of sexual suspects should be any medication that says, “May cause drowsiness. Do not drive or operate heavy equipment.” Assume when they say “equipment” they are also referring to your sexual equipment or your sex drive.