The Guide to Getting It On (158 page)

While most male porn watchers are fine with threesomes where the men are doing a double penetration on the woman, very few are okay if the two males make sexual contact with each other. But for bisexual men, this might be what turns them on more than sex with a woman or sex with a man. Researchers don’t yet know and it remains speculation at best. But it’s unlikely that a man who describes himself as being “mostly straight” would like bisexual porn, where a man who is truly bisexual probably would.

Bisexual Men and Social Acceptance

While people are at least somewhat accepting of bisexuality in women, this is not the case for bisexuality in men. In most straight circles, it’s better to say you are a serial killer than a bisexual male, and in many gay circles, bisexual males are accused of being afraid to come out. And while an increasing number of straight people are more accepting of gay males, this would not be the case with bisexual males. Just last year, a male student who is openly bisexual at a liberal college wrote a letter to his school’s newspaper saying:

“I am out as a bisexual male, but the degree of discrimination is worse than most know. So I don’t exactly advise bi- men to be out unless they are ready and able to emotionally endure the abuse.”

The abuse he is describing comes from both gay and straight students on his campus.

Your Public Sexual Orientation vs. Your Private Sexual Orientation

There are different layers to sexual orientation. There’s the public layer, which is what you show to others. It’s usually the orientation that your family, friends, religion and culture favor. Then there’s your private sexual orientation that is innate and automatic, religion and culture be damned. It can be painful and tragic when there is a disconnect or war between one’s public orientation and private orientation.

The Influence of Having a Higher Sex Drive

You would think there would be a tendency for both men and women who have the highest sex drives to also be more open to bisexual exploration. However, the research shows that this is only true for women. It doesn’t matter if a male is straight or gay, he will want to have more sex but only with partners of his preferred sex.

While straight women who have a higher sex drive are more likely to want sex with both men and women, gay women who have a higher sex drive follow a pattern that is more similar to men: they only want sex with partners of their preferred sex, which is women.

Sperm-Drinking Males and Ways The Influences of Culture

A number of years ago, an anthropologist discovered people on a remote island who believed that in order to become real men, male adolescents needed to drink the sperm of the adult males in the tribe. Given how the adult males didn’t exactly have sperm spigots on their penises, the way the young boys harvested the sperm was by blowing the old boys.

Unfortunately, some of the people in the modern world who read these studies assumed that the sperm-drinking adolescents regarded their rite of manhood with homosexual glee. But the reality is, they probably did it as an anticipated experience like a teenager today looks at having to take a driving test. Passing the test means you achieve a certain level in independence, not that you want to keep taking the test again and again.

A few decades after the initial research, an anthropologist returned to the island to see what was up with the off-spring of the sperm-drinking tribe. Time had done a number on the people of the island. Many of its members had moved to a more urban part of the island, and Christian missionaries had also helped put the kibosh on any ideas that swallowing sperm confers magical properties. (Our female readers could have told them that!)

The teenage grandsons of the sperm-drinking granddads were wearing wrap-around sun glasses and listening to iPods in front of the island’s equivalent of a 7-11 store. Satellite dishes meant that this was the first generation of this island’s people who had grown up under the influence of prime time TV.

When the researcher inquired about rites of manhood and what the boys needed to do to be regarded as manly, they wondered if he was talking about doing extreme skateboard tricks. He eventually broached the subject of the sperm-drinking to some of the boys, who became very grossed out and said, “My granddad did what?”

Homophobia in the Homeland

Let’s take a look at a study on homophobia that was done at the University of Georgia. The University of Georgia is one of the finer institutions of higher learning, and not simply because they have used the
Guide to Getting It On!
in their sex-education classes, although it does speak well of them.

Psychologists gave a questionnaire about homosexuality to a group of sixty-four men. Based upon their responses, the men were divided into two subgroups: those who were homophobic and those who were not. The testers then showed the subjects hardcore X-rated videos of men having sex with women, and men having sex with men. They did this after placing sensors on the guys’ penises to see if they were having a penis response while watching the different videos.

When watching the tapes of gay guys, 80% of the homophobic men had penile arousal, while only 34% percent of the nonhomophobic men did. Yet almost all of the homophobic men denied feeling aroused while watching gay guys having sex.

Unfortunately, the penis does not always tell the truth, and studies using genital sensors can raise as many questions as they answer. It’s possible that anxiety or anger caused the homophobic men’s penises to briefly change size. Also, keep in mind that men who are truly homophobic don’t care how they got to be that way. If they are viscerally enraged, one needs to assume they are dangerous. They might believe that their very existence is being threatened by the mere presence of a gay guy.

Happy Trails

This might be a good time to return to something that researcher Richard Lippa wanted you to know:

There is no good or bad when it comes to sexual orientation. You are who you are. Sexual identity and sexual orientation may not be fully fixed in young people, and this may be particularly true for women. Whatever your sexual orientation is and whatever gender (or genders) you’re attracted to, learn to accept yourself and enjoy your sexual feelings. Sex is always a process, but not necessarily a fixed process. So learn to go with the flow—in particular, learn to go with your flow—but do so in a safe, sane, and sensible way.”

And what better way to finish this chapter than by leaving you with our two most favorite reader responses on sexual orientation:

“I would probably be gay if I didn’t find guys so damn ugly.”
male age 23

“This is my first ongoing relationship with a woman. I wouldn’t say it’s less satisfying, but it wouldn’t be able to replace sex with a man. That’s because I like being dominant when I’m with a woman, and submissive when I’m with a man.”
female age 29

A Special Thanks
to Richard Lippa of California State University at Fullerton, to J. Michael Bailey of Northwestern University, to Ralph Bolton of Claremont College, to Ritch Savin-Williams of Cornell, to Meredith Chivers of Queen’s University, and to members of SexNet for their gracious help.

CHAPTER

78

Same-Sex Fun & Lovin’

M
ost books on sex written for a predominately straight audience have an obligatory Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgendered chapter. Authors include them like they do gender-neutral pronouns. But the truth is, there is no way this material can or should be covered in only one chapter, or in only ten.

So Paul did surgery on the obligatory GLBTQ chapter from prior editions and included only what made him smile, especially
The Guide’s
hard & wet steamy fiction reading list for young adults who are thinking about exploring same-sex relationships. How many respectable, mainstream books on sex include anything this useful?

This chapter now has the goal of getting you to think differently about one aspect of being gay. You pick the aspect—it doesn’t matter which one. If this chapter is able to get you to think differently in just one way, then it has done more than many of the GLBTQ chapters in books on sex.

Alice in Sexual Orientation Land

People tend to take their sexual orientations very seriously. Boundaries are staked out and rigidly enforced. So, what would happen if....

...If the head of the Lesbian Women’s Caucus found herself being turned on while standing behind the cute guy at the hardware store who was on a ladder grabbing a box of screws? Is she suddenly less of a lez—as she would be the first to accuse any other lesbian who admitted to lusting over a testosterone-drenched male pelvis? And what if she had a fantasy of the hardware boy easing her down on the newly-displayed lawnchair recliners in Aisle C, as she eagerly spread her legs, clutching a Tiki Torch in each hand while he slid his big bolt of a boy boner into her “women’s only” area?

...If a gay male cheerleader finds himself looking up a cheerleader’s skirt and suddenly wonders about something other than whether she waxed her bikini line correctly? Or what if he feels compelled to sneak a pair of her panties from her workout bag to see what it’s like to jerk off into them? Is he in danger of having to surrender his subscription to
Out
and his 2(x)ist coutour pouch briefs?

...If a totally straight guy gets tossed into the slammer for twenty years and has a non-exploitive, loving and tender sexual relationship with his cellmate, Bubba? And if after the parole board lets him skedaddle and his choices are no longer limited by the situation, he still misses Bubba?

Would any of these people be less of who they think they are if these egregious violations of their assumed sexual identities were to occur?

Jerking Off to the Wrong Underwear Ads!

This book doesn’t much care what your sexual orientation is, but in case you do and you are wondering how people with same-sex attraction learn about theirs, here’s a very funny description from author Ellen Orleans:

“At What Age Do You Know You’re Homosexual? As you might imagine, this varies greatly. Guys seem to be aware of their sexuality early on. A single erection while watching Batman free Robin from the clutches of the Riddler provided many young men with their first clue. One gay friend told me that his childhood role models were Bert and Ernie. For others, it was Skipper and Gilligan.

“Women seem to discover their sexual orientation more from personal experiences. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, my first clue was when I zipped up Bobby Wolinsky’s fly for him in the second grade. My teacher said this was not proper—that that was a boy’s private area. At the time, I didn’t see what the big deal was. Guess I still don’t.”
—
From
Who Cares If It’s a Choice? Snappy Answers to 101 Nosy, Intrusive and Highly Personal Questions about Lesbians and Gay Men
, by Ellen Orleans, Laugh Lines Press

Of the various sexual orientations, which is best? We have no clue. There are times when life and relationships totally suck no matter what your orientation; being straight is no guarantee of happiness, nor is being gay. Straight is what most people think they are, and it’s usually easier to be part of the majority no matter what. Easier, but not necessarily more satisfying.