The Guide to Getting It On (177 page)

“I have been raped twice in my life by two separate men. The first was during my 16th birthday. After the party I went to my friend’s spare bedroom to sleep. My then-boyfriend came in and lay next to me. We started fooling around but things started going too far. I asked him to stop but he didn’t. He kept pressuring me, saying he wouldn’t do anything serious. It ended with him just shoving himself in me while I was sobbing. That was how I lost my virginity. The saddest part is that I stayed with him for two more months. The second time I was at a friend’s house. Drinking and playing Dungeons and Dragons. (Yes, girls are nerds too.) I drank far too much and lay down on a mattress that was sitting in the middle of the living room. All my friends went into the den to watch TV while this guy lay next to me. I should have figured it out then, but I was really drunk. I asked him to leave me because I was too drunk to be near anyone, let alone a guy with ‘intentions.’ He didn’t leave. He started with the foreplay. I alternated between liking it and asking him to go away. It ended with him on top of me while I told him to stop. I suppose this one was partially my fault. Needless to say, the friendship ended there. Sex since then? I’ve never orgasmed. That may be due to the fact that I can’t trust men. I’m never comfortable being naked around anyone. And to be completely honest, I don’t really like sex. I think I’m just expecting men to mistreat me after having it. To just use me. Recently I have been in a relationship with a man who was a virgin before we had sex. His love and trust have gone a long way toward helping me believe that a guy might like me for more than just sex. It’s helping me to enjoy myself more.”
female age 20

“I was continually abused growing up (emotionally, spiritually, verbally, mentally, sexually), so much so I don’t remember much of it. I continued the abuse voluntarily by getting involved with men who abused me. For instance, I have two kids as a result of 3-a.m. encounters when I was three-quarters asleep. I’m still pretty badly messed up and have a hard time seeing when someone is trying to be decent. I have never had normal sex. I discovered recently (in the past two years) that what I thought was normal was far from normal. I never knew that you were supposed to have feeling inside. I thought it was normal to be numb inside. My former partner could stick any number of fingers up inside me, and I could never tell him how many there were. He could even put a whole fist inside, and I didn’t know. He could scratch and wiggle–nothing, nada, zip, zero, zilch. Still have that problem. Maybe I’ll figure it out someday.”
female age 31

“When I was in middle school, and my body was just starting to mature, my step-dad was going through a rough time with work. He was pretty stressed. My mom was around, but she had a job as well, so obviously I was left alone with a man who I wasn’t exactly fond of. He started getting a little too close and intimate for comfort. I told him I didn’t like it. When he didn’t stop, I told my mom. She didn’t want to believe me. One night while she was out with her friends, I woke up and he was on top of me. I tried to scream. He stifled me. “It’ll feel good, I promise,” he told me. It didn’t feel good. I screamed and flailed my body until I could get away. I ran and tried to hide. He found me and hit me so hard that I don’t remember any more of that night. I was 12. I was ashamed of my body for a long time after that. But at the same time, I still really wanted the fellas who were my own age to take notice of me. I think I was looking for someone who would try to protect me. Eventually, I found myself in a good relationship that was much more about the emotional connection than a physical one. When we finally did get to that point, I felt so at ease with him that it was completely natural, pure and honest [and way good!].”
female age 18

“I was 9 years old. My karate instructor gave me a lesson in oral sex and other such matters. This was 32 years ago. I was not in a huge hurry to lose my
official virginity.
But then I had a great boyfriend for my
first time,
so it worked out. Get someone to talk to—a professional—and don’t stop until you find one that helps you to release the pain or anger. It’s not only possible; it’s probable for good sex after bad IF you take it slow and find the right person. I think about sex not as something that is being done to me, but as something that I am giving to someone else.”
female age 41

“I was molested by my dad & younger brother. It took years of therapy to overcome self-destructive behavior. The abuse took a seemingly wholesome, enjoyable act, and made it ugly. I became psychotically self-destructive with sex, alternating between frigidity and promiscuity. I was able to find good therapist and a good man who loves me. I can finally breathe and trust, relax, have fun, and enjoy sex. (We’re getting married later this year.)”
female age 30

“It was seven years ago. In my room. My cousin’s husband attacked me while I was sleeping. I never had sex before then. I look at sex as something that I don’t need. Sometimes it just brings back the night of the bad. My advice? Take control next time. You’d be surprised at how much better it can be the next time that way! If it’s happened to you, don’t hesitate to tell someone else. I didn’t, and I’m still paying for it. It took me four years to come to the reality of it. Don’t hide anything. If you’ve been raped, don’t think of sex as bad. Think of it as a way to better yourself.”
female age 20

“Recognize and accept what you can morally live with. If I’d had someone to turn to/talk to when I was a kid, things may have turned out differently. Now’days there are people, places, and/or Websites you can contact to help you adjust. It’s not your fault. Masturbation has been the one saving grace which has helped me adjust to my sexuality.”
male age 68

“Report it right away. My biggest regret is that I never did. The man who raped me raped others. Maybe if I had said something, they would never had to experience that. And get counseling. Don’t just sit there and blame yourself. Always remember it wasn’t your fault, and it doesn’t make YOU a bad person.”
female age 20

“When I was about 7 or 8 years old, I was masturbated by an uncle. He gave me a dollar to “not tell.” I never did. I began having sex at age 13 and was quite promiscuous. I believe I’ve had about 50 sexual partners, but only 6 or 7 of those in the past 10 or 12 years. I now realize that my behavior probably has something to do with the experience. I’ve learned to forgive, and to realize that people are better than their worst moments.”
female age 33

“I can’t imagine a single situation in which rushing out and boning the first willing, semi-attractive person with a pulse is a good idea to help you overcome an unfortunate sexual encounter.”
female age 18

“Relax and take your time. My fiancee & I weren’t exacting rockin’ the first few times. I needed to build trust and security, and then I could relax and truly enjoy myself.”
female age 30

“When I was 6- to 8-years-old, my best friend’s dad molested me. He would make me give him oral sex, and touch him, and he’d touch me.... I try not to make too big of a deal about it. I have good relationships with women and like to think I am a relatively emotionally stable person. You can’t let yourself be a victim. However, I still have frequent dreams about him abusing me, and sometimes I have sex fantasies about him as well. These disturb me because he abused me. I was so young that I think I repressed most of the negative thoughts. All I can remember are the way things felt.”
male age 21

A Very Special Thanks
to Dr. Robin J. Wilson, David S. Prescott, and to Alessandra Rellini at the University of Vermont and Cindy Meston for finding her!

CHAPTER

90

Vaya Con Dios!

T
his is the final chapter of the
Guide to Getting It On!
It talks about things like hippies, cash flow, meaning and integrity, and then it says goodbye.

What Puff the Magic Dragon’s Tears Were Really All About

Two generations ago, a small group of hippies suddenly appeared in this country. These hippies didn’t think like the rest of us and probably arrived from another planet. The nation became infatuated with them.

After the arrival of the real hippies, there suddenly appeared millions of hippie wannabes. These were often college students who didn’t have to work because they were getting money from home. They spoke a great deal about love and peace, but they didn’t know much about either. They were going to save the world from anything that was even remotely like their moms and dads.

In time, the hippie wannabes started getting degrees in fields like law, business and medicine. Guys started cutting their hair and women stuffed their breasts back into bras, all in preparation for an important American ritual called “the job interview.” Words like “marketing” and “standing to sue” took the place of “bitchin” and “groovy.” Designer labels became more important than flowers and beads.

There was the constant specter of work, often sixty hours a week, with a person’s whole life mapped out according to which rung of the corporate ladder he or she planned to hang from.

It may seem strange that a book on sex would mention things like jobs and money, but in the course of our lifetimes most of us will fret more over money than love. The people at Visa and MasterCard will probably know more about us than our sex partners do. Yet no matter how much money or social status you acquire, you can never leave who you are or what you have become on the floor at the edge of the bed. Sex may be a wonderful thing, but it can’t make up for an existence that has little integrity, value or meaning.

A Better Place

This Guide was not intended to be radical or reactionary. It was written with the hope of giving something back to the world, trying to leave it a little better than how we found it. This Guide may not have the head rush of good drugs, and it doesn’t pretend to have many answers. But it is a more evolved view of sex than many of us had when we first started getting it on. Thank you for being patient with its efforts to be more than just another how-to manual on sex.

There are so many more dimensions to sex than just huffing and puffing while the bedsprings squeak. This book is 1,184 pages long, and it still can’t define sex. Hopefully you will be able to define it on your own, or at least have a beautiful time trying.

Vaya Con Dios!

About the Illustrations

W
hile readers usually ask for more illustrations, some have asked why all of the characters in our illustrations are so darned thin, buff and kind of perfect. So here’s some background for you about the illustrations, including how one of the more recent illustrations came to be.

The line-art in
The Guide
is particularly challenging to do, because the illustrator has so little to work with—a simple black line on white paper. He doesn’t use any of the usual tools that bring art to life: shadows, texture and colors. As a result, to give the line-art its feeling, the illustrator has to be a master of exaggeration. Without the exaggeration, line-art quickly becomes flat and boring.