The Guide to Getting It On (175 page)

Note:
As the women of the Seattle Institute for Sex Therapy so aptly note, if you discover that you are exclusively selecting men to date who you feel safe with, but who you don’t feel sexually attracted to, or it’s been a long time and you’re still not able to get as sexually excited as you used to, it might be a good idea to seek some counseling.

Re-Virginization:
OK, it was bad enough being a virgin the first time... If you are planning on having sex with a guy and think you might need to stop groping each other midway, or will be needing special reassurance, then it’s probably best to tell him that you had been sexually assaulted. Otherwise, he might rightfully think you are a bit strange. Most guys will be very understanding and try to help in any way they can, especially once you have given them permission to be something less than he-men. It’s perfectly fine to say, “The old me might have been pulling your pants off by now, but with the new me, it could be a couple of months before you even get to feel under my bra. I have no idea how it’s going to go, but I need to be able to totally trust that if I say stop, you’ll stop at that very moment.”

You should also warn him that you might have days when you can’t get enough of him sexually and other days when you have the sexual sensibilities of a 90-year-old nun.

On the days when you need to send him off to the bathroom with porn, let him know that it still might be really important that the two of you do something romantic together, like taking a walk, or going to the bookstore or to a movie, or flying a kite, or doing any number of things together that couples like to do. And on those days when you need physical contact but want him to keep his penis in his pants, talk to him about cuddling together, holding hands, or exchanging back or foot rubs. If it’s not too much for him or you, a warm bath together or dip in a hot tub might feel great.

No matter how passive you might have been before being sexually assaulted, you now need to call the shots. Perhaps it’s something you will keep doing as one of the few helpful lessons you learned from an education that you paid way too much to get.

If You Have a Partner:
Your partner isn’t the man who raped you, but he can be almost as affected by the rape as you are. First is the little matter that he might try to kill the rapist. That’s to be expected when someone intentionally harms a loved one. Then there’s the possible “guilt by association” that he might have to deal with from you, by virtue of the fact that he has something similar between his legs as the rapist. Even though you know he wasn’t the one who harmed you nor would he ever want to, he is a guy, and guys might not be at the top of your most-favored-sex list right now. He will need to be aware that for some women, it might take months before sex returns to normal. For others, things will return to normal much sooner. You can’t predict, and you can’t tell. Hopefully, he will read all he can and educate himself about the reactions that victims of sexual assault can have, and learn how to be an ally of the healing process. Patience will have its rewards.

Flashbacks:
Some women who have been sexually assaulted have flashbacks; others don’t. You and your partner need to be aware that flashbacks sometimes happen when you are at the peak of sexual excitement and are orgasming left and right. Your partner needs to understand that flashbacks are not because of anything he is doing that’s wrong. Learn about the things that trigger flashbacks and come up with a strategy for dealing with them. Have faith that they will decrease with time.

Don’t Confuse the Female Body’s Protective Mechanism with Being Turned On

Researchers have discovered that there is a difference between what makes a vagina lubricate and what turns a woman on mentally. It is not unusual for a woman’s vagina to lubricate in situations where she is frightened or terrified. This will protect her vagina from tearing if intercourse is forced upon her.

This primitive reflex can be very confusing for a woman who has had sex forced on her. For instance, if she had an orgasm while being raped, she might wonder if she has a secret thing for violence and somehow invited the rape. She should understand that other women who have been raped have had orgasms, and those orgasms are the product of a body in terror that’s spewing out a flood of adrenalin while physical pressure is being put on her genitals. This kind of reaction is not limited to women. Erections are no stranger to the gallows. It’s been known for many centuries that men who are executed by hanging often die with erections, and some even ejaculate. While this may have something to do with the body’s response to asphyxiation, terror also plays a role in it. These men were no more sexually turned-on by being in the gallows than is a woman in a violent situation in which sex is being forced on her.

Ways to Help Prevent Rape

Before you read about ways to prevent rape, keep in mind that women who have been raped sometimes go overboard in trying to avoid situations that cause them anxiety. The problem with this is that avoidance merely reinforces anxiety and stress disorders. So it is important for those who have been raped to conquer the temptation to avoid too much. The key is in using your good sense.

Common-sense ways to prevent rape include not jogging or walking alone, especially at night. Never hitchhike or pick up a hitchhiker. Lock your doors and windows, even if you are going away for a brief time, and do not open your door unless you are certain you know who is knocking or ringing the doorbell. Don’t lend your keys to anyone, and do not put your name or address on your keys. Avoid being alone in underground garages, apartment laundry rooms, or offices after hours. Park in areas that are well-lit, and lock your car doors even if it’s a quick stop. Lock your doors when you drive, and try not to drive with less than a quarter of a tank of gas.

At parties, open drinks yourself, avoid the punch bowl, don’t accept drinks from anyone else or share them, and don’t leave drinks out of your eyesight. Even more importantly, never get drunk or stoned outside of the safety of your own home or that of your sexual partner’s.

Strategy

According to interviews with incarcerated rapists, they do not pick a victim based on how she looks or how she is dressed. The first criteria is not getting caught. So what he is looking for is a highly vulnerable victim. Can he easily isolate her from others? Can he commit his crime without her noises drawing the attention of others?

Those who target children can be good con artists. They may have a well-honed approach that gets victims to suspend their sense of suspicion. They seem to know just what to say that makes you feel good. They can often sense loneliness and the need for attention and approval. They excel at flattery.

The sex offender’s goal is to find ways to control a victim. He is good at getting women to engage in light forms of romance or sex play, not so much at their invitation, but in a way that she doesn’t think to scream “STOP IT!” He manages to take her off-guard, doing things that feel good enough so she gets confused. Then, after it’s too late, he’s managed to physically isolate her and emotionally confuse her. She is suddenly wondering, “Did I invite this?” If she didn’t put a stop to it immediately, she is pretty much a goner. He will have invaded her personal space and personal boundaries, and then there’s no stopping him.

After committing his crime, his next goal is to not get caught. If you are a friend or acquaintance, he might try to catch you up in the confusion of whether you invited the assault, until you start thinking, “I shouldn’t have let him start fooling around with me.” Depending on the situation, he might also be able to control you with bribery or threats. And if you are child, he might act convincingly that nothing really happened. You end up distorting your own awareness of what went on.

Date or Acquaintance Rape

An agreement to kiss is not an agreement to have intercourse. It never has been. Fucking requires a separate level of consent than making-out. Likewise, feeling each other up and finding a vagina to be wet is not consent to put a penis in it.

Until the last twenty years, people thought of rape as something that was committed by a stranger who lurked in the shadows or pried a woman’s bedroom window open. No one used to think of it as something your date did after you agreed to go upstairs to his bedroom and didn’t push him away when he started making out with you. But as researchers interviewed more and more women, they started hearing accounts of when men would not stop in spite of the woman’s protests.

Unfortunately, in the hands of some researchers with their bizarrely worded surveys, frightening “statistics” were generated that made every male who ever had an erection in a woman’s presence look like a perpetrator of date rape. This over-zealousness on the part of researchers cast a shadow where no shadow should have been cast.

There are men who are adept at engaging women in kissing or petting, and then raping them in the same manner as “traditional” rapists who lurk in corners. Men like these can come from wealthy families who are on the social A-lists. They can be sports heroes, or divinity students at a Bible college.

The emotional impact of date rape can be every bit as great as if a woman were raped by a stranger. To help prevent date rape, the courts have had to push the limits of what consent is into a somewhat artificial and awkward place. Until we find a better solution, the new definition of consent will be the law of the land.

The onus of stopping sexplay now rests on the male the moment a woman says, “Stop!” or “Maybe I should go” or “This doesn’t feel good.” Males who do not take this seriously should read the recent decision for the State of California Supreme Court called
People v. John Z.
In that case, a woman had agreed to have intercourse, but at some point during the intercourse, she indicated that she might want to go. She didn’t say “Stop” or “I don’t want to keep doing this.” The court found that she was raped because the man did not stop the moment she indicated a change of heart, or change of pelvis. Interestingly, it was a female member of the court who dissented.

Making sure that a woman is legally able to consent to sex is now the job of the male, and it is very different from what you might think. If a woman bought the first two rounds of drinks or brought the pot and rolled the joints, she is not legally able to consent to sex if she has been drinking or smoking. This can be true even if she’s the one who went down on the guy until he got hard and she put his penis in herself.

Also, it doesn’t matter if both of you were equally drunk or stoned: this does not excuse the male from the burden of realizing that a woman who has been drinking or smoking cannot legally consent to sex. Just the fact that she has been drinking before intercourse makes it sexual assault in some states. Also, it is not legal in many situations to have sex with a woman if you are her boss, her teacher, her minister, her physician or her coach.

Do not assume a woman is playing a game when she hesitates or says “No.” And never, ever try to win her over with pressure or persuasiveness. The courts have made it clear that this will not be tolerated. In the absence of a woman making it completely clear that she wants sex, a man needs to assume that sex is neither desired nor is it legal.

If You Have Been Raped—the First Hours After

The thing you don’t want to do is to disturb any of the evidence, and unfortunately, the evidence is on you and in you. Much as you might want to, do not shower, douche, wash your hands, change your clothes, drink anything or even brush your teeth. Saliva can be used to identify a rapist as well as his semen. Try not to pee. If you think you might have been drugged and you have to urinate, do so in a bottle and take it with you to the hospital. Be sure to tell the doctor about any suspicions of being drugged. The way they find out if you have been drugged is through testing your urine, and some drugs pass through your system quickly. (In some states, the threshold of evidence is lower if it is discovered that the victim was drugged.)

If you are a minor, you don’t need to have a parent’s permission to have a “rape kit” done at the hospital. So there’s no reason to fear going to the hospital if you’ve been doing something that would make your parents want to kill you.

You should take extra clothing that you can change into after they have collected all the evidence at the hospital. If you can, ask a friend to go with you or to meet you at the hospital. If you live in a dorm, ask a resident advisor to go with you as well. It’s OK if the friend stays with you during the exam and during your entire hospital visit. Your friend can be your ears, eyes, and brain in case your own are feeling fried. If you or your friend has it together enough, call RAINN (800-656-HOPE). See if there is a victim advocate who can meet you at the hospital.

As a victim of a sexual assault, you have priority over just about everything other than life-threatening illnesses. So unless you see people being wheeled in with panicked-looking doctors hovering around them, you should get in sooner than later. If a long time has gone by, ask your friend to remind the person at the desk that you are a rape victim and haven’t been seen. If you prefer a doctor of your same sex, let them know. If they can, they will get you one, but it may take more time.

Going to the hospital doesn’t mean you need to speak to the police or press charges. But it’s essential to go to the hospital for a couple of reasons. If at some point you do decide to press charges, they will have the necessary evidence. It will be much harder otherwise. The people in the ER can give you the morning-after pill to help prevent pregnancy, and they can tend to any physical trauma. Going to the hospital right away greatly increases your chances to receive victim’s services if you should need them, and in a lot of states, the state will pay for your expenses. The people in the ER should be able to explain your options and connect you with counseling and other help. It is a very, very good idea to visit a hospital emergency room right away. There are virtually no downsides. As with a car accident, you have no idea of the kinds of emotional or physical trauma that might present itself in a couple of days or weeks. Having everything on record at the ER will make it easier for you to get free services if you should need them in the future.