The Guide to Getting It On (185 page)

HOLMES—wanna-be ganster talk for “dude.”

HO CAKE—rap term for “vagina.”

HOOCH—illegal liquor. A hut or shack, often where a prostitute or sex worker lives. Also slang for “vagina.”

HOOCHIE MAMA—term used to describe a woman, can mean a woman who is hot, slutty, or a ‘ho. 2 Live Crew demonstrated a the versatility of hoochie derivatives in their song “Hoochie Mama,” which is a whimsical evaluation of a woman’s sexual charms as well as sexual excesses. Historically, the “hoochie coochie” was a type of belly dance that became a cultural phenomenon during the late 1800s. It was associated with sexual allure.

HOODED CLITORIS—when the hood of the clitoris is either bonded to the surface of the clitoris or does not retract easily. This is not uncommon, and it frequently causes no problems. If it makes sexual enjoyment difficult, speak to a gynecologist. Surgery should be avoided if at all possible, as the results are not always good. If surgery is recommended, get a second or third opinion.

HOOKING-UP SEX—used to refer to casual sex or a one-night stand; sex without expectations (or with low expectations), usually where neither party had any plans to become emotionally involved with the other. Drinking was generally the foreplay. More recently, the term has become more generic or ambiguous. It can refer to anything from making out or having casual sex to meeting a friend for coffee.

HOOKING UP (prison)—prison slang for when a jocker, daddy or pitcher enters a relationship with a punk. The daddy controls the relationship and provides protection for the punk who provides anal and oral sex at the whim of the dominant daddy jocker. Even if the punk is 100% straight and masculine, the jocker may want him to act more feminine so he can better imagine the punk as the sex of his gender of choice. The jocker sometimes shares the punk with others or can keep him all to himself. Hooking up in prison can sometimes evolve into a loving, protective and caring experience, given the unusual world of prison culture, or it can be an extension of life in hell; see “punk.”

HORNY—having the sexual urge. The term in Australia is “randy.”

HOSE MONKEY—fireman, although this term can be used in a less charitable way when referring to someone who isn’t a fire fighter, e.g., a male who plays with his penis more than most.

HO STRO—rap term which means “whore stroll,” which refers to a street or neighborhood where hookers work.

HOT COFFEE MOD—a fascinating sex-related reference in the recent history of video games. The Hot-Coffe Mod was an interactive sex mini-game that allowed players of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas to go inside with CJ when a woman invited him to “have coffee.” Without the mod, players could only hear love-making sound effects. This mod created a huge scandal and public moral outrage in 2005, which is amazing considering how technologically crude the portrayal of sex in the mod was. Killing and blowing people never got congressional panties in a wad, but a single crude portrayal of sex in a game and US senators began lashing out at the entire gaming industry.

HOT-PILLOW TRADE—slang used in the hotel business for people who rent rooms just for sex, usually by the hour; aka “hot sheet hotel.” If you are having a secret affair, it’s best when the parking lot is not visible from the street;

HOTWIFING—when a man and his wife get off by her having sex with other men. The husband either watches, listens, or has sex with her afterward while she tells him the details; can include him orally tidying her up while the other man’s trail is still fresh.

HPV—human papilloma virus; a virus that lives in the flat cells on the surface of the skin and on the moist mucosal membranes in the body. These include the urethra (peehole), vagina, cervix, penis, anus and throat. There are at least 120 types or strains of human papilloma virus. While many of the HPV strains cause no symptoms, others can cause warts, like the warts people get on their hands and feet, or on their genitals, anus and thighs. Some of the HPV strains can cause cancer. Please see the chapter “
Gnarly Sex Germs
” for more information.

HUMAN VITAE—the pope’s master plan for semen. Every act of intercourse must be open to conception. Sex that can’t result in conception is wrong, including oral sex, intercourse with birth control, and masturbation. There appears to have been an exemption for priests who have sex with boys.

HUNG—refers to a male whose sex organs displace more space than most. Usage might include: “Melvin is hung” instead of “Melvin is hung like an elephant” which would be redundant. On the other hand, saying “Melvin is hung like a mouse,” would not be redundant. Also the name of an HBO series that ran for three seasons from 2009 to 2011, about a financially-strapped teacher with a large penis who rented his sexual services to women.

HUSTLER—male prostitute, usually gay; “rent boy,” “joy boy” or “escort” with a client known as a “John.”

HYMEN—a small collar or ring of tissue located just inside the opening of the vagina. You can’t see it unless you pull the labia or outer lips apart. The hymen is located where the vulva and vagina meet. The hymen probably formed because the vulva and vagina were made from two different kinds of embryonic tissue. As for the idea that the hymen or cherry gets “popped” or is torn to shreds after the first intercourse, it’s just a myth. As a girl approaches puberty and her body produces more estrogen, her hymen starts to change. The ring of tissue becomes more elastic. After puberty, the hymen often becomes more like an o-ring or a collar of tissue rather than a barrier, almost as if it is changing in anticipation of intercourse. Way more than 50% of our survey takers said they had no bleeding during their first intercourse, and researchers often have trouble distinguishing between the hymens of teenage girls who are sexually active and hymens of teenage girls who are still virgins. That wouldn’t be the case if hymens were like pop-bottle caps or cherries that pop. While the hymen may become less prominent with age, it never goes away.

HYPOSPADIAS—a developmental anomaly where the urethra does not go all the way to the end of the penis, but exits on the lower shaft. Has its own chapter titled “Hypospadias”.

IMPOTENCE—when a guy can’t get it up on a regular basis, or can get it up most of the way but it isn’t rigid or hard enough to get it in; aka “ED.”

IM sex—sexual banter while instant messaging; can include webcams or not. See “Skype sex”.

INCEST—sex among immediate family members or blood relatives.

INCOMPETENT CERVIX—when a cervix is weakened and can’t hold the fetus in the uterus to term. No doubt, named by a male.

INDOOR SPORTS—swinging.

INFIBULATION—the process of piercing the male foreskin or female labia and stringing jewelry through it to prevent sexual intercourse.

IRIE—rasta or reggae term meaning cool, relaxing, calm, and collected; how you hopefully feel after making love.

INTERSEX—term for a variety of conditions in which a person is born with a reproductive or sexual anatomy that doesn’t fit the typical definitions of female or male.

INTERSTITIAL CYSTITIS—pain or discomfort in the pelvis that is related to the bladder. Symptoms often include a persistent urge to pee or the need to pee frequently, as often as a couple times an hour. This is not called “painful bladder syndrome” without good reason, as the urge can feel quite extreme and it can be accompanied by spasms and pressure. People can have pain while urinating, pain while driving, and pain while having sex. In men, there can be painful ejaculation. The cause or causes are not known. There are a number of different treatments, with one of the main goals being in decreasing the pain. People with this disorder are often very depressed as a result, in part due to the pain and discomfort, and in part because it causes such incredible interference in their lives.

JACKING OFF—stroking your genitals in ways that cause fine sensations; other terms include jerking off, choking your chicken, beating your meat, wanking, fapping, masturbating, cranking the shank, blowing your load, dishonorable discharge, flogging your log, massaging your muscle, pud whacking, rubbing one out, playing with yourself, sending out the troops, spanking your monkey, stroking it, and Code 20 (prison slang–Texas Dept. of Corrections).

JACK‘N’JILL PARTIES—gatherings of sexually uninhibited men and women who attend in their underwear and masturbate in front of each other. A by-product of concern about AIDS.

JADE STALK—Chinese Taoist term for penis.

JANEY—lesbian slang for vagina.

JELLY ROLL—jazz term for female genitals.

J-LUBE—a powdered lube that veterinarians mix with water that helps them slide their hands up the vaginas and rectums of livestock. Is said to work great for fisting, anal sex and for jerking off, except for how an 1,100 lb horse will drop dead within a few hours if very small amounts of J-Lube get into their peritoneal cavity. There is no such warning on the sides of cans of vegetable shortening, which is renowned for its fisting-friendly properties.

JOCKSTRAP—jog bra with only one cup.

JOHN—someone who pays a sex worker or prostitute for sex, “trick.”

JOHNSON—old-fashioned term for penis.

JOHN THOMAS—British term for penis; “old fella.”

JUNKIE—a drug addict, as well as anyone who’s infatuated with someone or something; not necessarily a negative term.

KEGEL EXERCISES—genital aerobics—when you squeeze or contract the muscles surrounding your genitals in a way that would stop the flow if you were taking a leak, and then totally releasing the muscles. Some people claim that these exercises will fix everything from a floppy penis to an unhappy vagina. Research results do not always support these claims. The exercises can be useful in becoming more aware of genital sensations, and some people say they result in stronger orgasms as well as being helpful for certain incontinence issues and for improving vaginal as well as male genital tone. Kegels have never been proven to help nonorgasmic women start coming, although there is much mythology that they do. Not to be tried without an evaluation by a pelvic pain specialist if you are experiencing vaginal or pelvic pain.

KILLER PUSSY—vintage rock’n’roll group who sang the cult classic
Teenage Enema Nurses in Bondage
as well as
Pepperoni Ice Cream, Pocket Pool
and
Bikini Wax.
Also a term guys occasionally use to refer to a truly memorable vagina or to steamy-looking women as in, “There’s some killer pussy at that college.”

KINK—beyond vanilla.

KINSEY AVERAGE—about two-and-a-half minutes. The amount of time sex researcher Alfred Kinsey estimated that it takes the average American male to come during intercourse.

KNICKERS—British for “panties.”

KNOCKED UP—pregnant.

KNOCKING BOOTS—rap term for “having intercourse;” the “boots” part means “booty,” and the “knocking” refers to the slapping sound that a man’s hips make when hitting the woman’s thighs while doing it doggie style. Can also mean “anal sex.” See “lay pipe.”

KY JELLY—a brand name of a water-soluble lube that people have historically used to help increase the slip’n’slide coefficient during intercourse. They have newer KY Personal lubes for sex as opposed to the old tube of lube that’s still used for medical procedures. If it starts to dry out during use, first try adding a few drops of water, not more KY.

LABIA MINORA—the inner lips of the vulva, which also attach to the underside of the clitoris. Along with the glans, shaft, crus and bulbs of the clitoris and some parts of the vagina, the labia minora are the most sexually reactive parts of female sexual anatomy. Contain different tissue than the larger lips or labia majora.

LABIOPLASTY—cosmetic surgery of the inner labia. Usually unnecessary, except to increase the cashflow of the physicians who perform it.

LAD MAGS—a dying genre of men’s magazines, somewhere on the Cro-Magnon spectrum between porn and Car & Driver or Sports Illustrated. Best with beer in hand.

ladyboys—term for transsexuals in Cambodia.

LANDING STRIP—medium to severe form of bikini waxing where the pubic hair is done in a small rectangle.

LAPAROSCOPY—visual examination of the ovaries, Fallopian tubes and uterus with an instrument that’s inserted just below the navel.

LAWRENCE V. TEXAS—2003 Supreme Court decision declaring it constitutional for one man to suck the cock of another man in their own home in Texas; ditto for anal penetration. If you have ever been anywhere in Texas outside of Austin, you will immediately appreciate the magnitude of this decision. Since the court’s majority decision focused on the right of liberty rather than on the right of privacy, we must assume that the court was speaking directly to the liberties that Mr. Lawrence was taking with Mr. Garner’s rear end. How this decision is being interpreted by lower courts in other decisions is interesting, eg. while it is no longer a crime for a woman to use a vibrator in Alabama, it may still be a crime to sell one.

LAY PIPE—rap term for having sex, “I lay pipe with all the lonely bitches while da husbanz hard at work.” Also: “to freak,” “bag up with,” “bag up bitches,” “get busy.”

LEFT HAND—what a right-handed person sometimes uses to masturbate with so it feels like someone else is doing it.

LEG SPREADER—a bar with ankle cuffs on each end that keeps a woman’s legs spread open; “spreader bar.” Also can be a type of mixed drink, although no two recipes for it are even remotely the same; often includes some or all of the following: Bacardi 151, Wild Turkey, Jack Daniels, tequila, vodka, sweet vermouth, and a cherry.