The Guide to Getting It On (182 page)

CRACK A FAT—Australian term for “have an erection.”

CRAMPS—abdominal pains women sometimes have during their period, related to the beginning of labor pains. Our gyno goddess says the key to using Midol-like pain relievers is to begin taking them a day or two before your period and cramps start. Better yet, orgasms from masturbation or partner sex can help relieve cramps.

CRANK—speed (methamphetamine). The nasal decongestant propylhexedrine is often used to get a quick crank-like rush.

CREAMPIE—a vagina with male ejaculate dripping out of it; “a wet deck.” porn-speak for when a man comes inside a woman’s vagina or rectum and viewers see a close-up of ejaculate oozing out of whatever orifice it was shot into as reassurance that the actor truly ejaculated into it. Different from the standard “money shot” where he pulls out and shoots his wad on her body.

CROSS-DRESSER—when a man gets joy from wearing a woman’s clothes and make-up; “transvestite,”

CROSSDRESSING—when a person of one sex makes a serious attempt to dress like a member of the other sex—and not a woman simply wearing her boyfriend’s shirt or boxer shorts.

CRUISING—primarily a gay term, when guys are on the prowl for a quick sexual encounter; aka “jonesing for bone.” Cruising spots can include parks, parties, bars, baths, or where ever it’s known that guys are looking for sex. Besides the thrill, cruisers risk being robbed, beat up or busted by the vice squad. In traditional cruising, there is no conversation or small talk; business is business. In many ways, the cruising of the ‘70s, ‘80s and ‘90s is now being replaced by making contact on the Internet or with an app like Grindr, and then meeting in person twenty minutes later for sex.

CRUMPET—British term for sexual activity. Also a bakery product.

CRUSH—intense romantic feelings unencumbered by the burden of good judgment. See “Dicknotized.”

CRYPTORCHIDISM—Greek for a “hidden gonad.” See “undescended testicle.”

CRYSTAL DICK—impotence caused by taking crystal meth. Men who use crystal as a party drug sometimes take Viagra to counter crystal dick, which can create its own health hazard.

CUM (COME)—male ejaculate, the majority of which is produced by the seminal vesicles and prostate gland. Most males fill a about a teaspoon per ejaculation. Varies in consistency and taste among different men. Contains sperm, hormones, polyamines, prostaglandins, PSA and other substances. According to www.nightcharm.com, slang terms include: Splooge, Man Chowder, Spunk, Population Paste, Manthrax, Gizzum, Jizz, Love Juice, Baby Gravy, Pearl Necklace, Wad, Baby Batter, Pimp Juice, Dong Water, Man Jam and Number 3.

CUM SHOT—see “money shot.”

CUNNILINGUS—“cunnus” is Latin for vulva (the part of a woman’s genitals that is on the outside) and “lingere” means to lick—put ‘em together and see what you get; “muff diver,” “go down on her,” “carpet munching,” or “eating her out.” Has any living human being ever used the term “cunnilingus” outside of an academic setting?

CUNT—from the Latin “cunnus” (meaning vulva).

cunt torture—cock’n’ball torture for the BDSM-babe who has everything but a cock and balls. Intense stimulation that may or may not include pain.

CUP—see “Shock Doc.”

CUPID’S HOTEL—a vagina.

CURVED DICK—a penis that curves as it gets hard, most likely due to a tight ligament. This is perfectly normal unless it causes physical pain, or becomes increasingly worse with time, in which case it should be taken to a physician for consultation. Since some guys with curves feel self-conscious, consider the following pearl of information: one highly experienced woman explained that the best sex she ever had was with an Italian guy who had a curved penis. If you’ve got a curve, experiment with different intercourse positions that might provide an advantage over guys who don’t have a curve. If your curve is a new occurrence, see “Peyronie’s Disease.”

CUT—refers to a male who has been circumcised. Also a weightlifting term for muscles that have great definition.

CYBERSEX—”a sexual communication between at least two people that is focused on sexual relations and occurs via synchronous Internet modes” (according to a recent study by Shaughnessy, Byers and Thornton).

CYSTITIS—see “bladder infection.”

DAIRY QUEEN—a gay guy who likes to suck on men’s nipples.

DARKROOM—designated place in clubs, bars, baths, parties where men who enjoy sex with men can have orgy sex.

DAISY CHAIN—sex involving multiple participants where the crotches are being pleased in a multitude of ways.

DATE—without this event, men might never cut their toenails.

DATE RAPE—when a woman is raped by someone she knows or someone who won’t stop with sex after she indicates that she wants to stop.

D/D—in sex ads this means “drug and disease free.”

DELIVERING THE WOOD—to have intercourse with.

DEPILATORY—cream for removing body hair.

DEPTH PLAY—refers to liking your dildo placed deep inside of your favorite orifice. Requires an extra-long dildo, maybe even a foot or more and perhaps one with a special shape.

DHAT SYNDROME—an excessive preoccupation with semen loss. This is a fairly common obsession in India and Pakistan where the belief exists that semen is a perfect and powerful body fluid and to lose it robs the body of its vitality.

DIAMOND CUTTER—the mother of all erections. It is so hard it feels like you could cut diamonds with it. Thank goodness not all erections are diamond cutters, because the pressure inside the penis gets so intense it can actually hurt. At the other end of the erection spectrum from a “half-master,” “chubbie,” “softie” or “floppy dog.”

DIAL-A-PORN—phone sex at the rate of $2 or more a minute. Masturbation enhancement for those who like their stimulation over the phone; “dial-a-fuck.” The women who give phone sex usually work with the caller to create his favorite role-playing fantasy, often something he is too embarrassed to act out with a real-life partner. A massive source of income for phone companies.

DIAPHRAGM—a contraceptive barrier device that holds contraceptive jelly against the cervix. A cross between a condom and a frisbee.

DICK FLICKS—movies with lots of guns & violence, as opposed to “chick flicks.”

DICKNOTIZED—when a girl has a serious crush on a guy that her life becomes defined by wanting to hold him, touch him, talk to him and be with him. Brain researchers are actually able to see the specific brain structures being lit up when a lover looks at a picture of his or her idealized lover. They can see how the parts of the brain that help us to have good judgment are actually being shut down, while the reward parts that are involved with things like drug addiction are having their own little fireworks display.

DIESEL DYKE—a manly lesbian; “bull dyke” or “butch.” Opposing terms are “lipstick lesbian,” “diamond dyke” and “femme.”

DILDO—sex toy that brings much happiness. Can be used freestyle, or when mounted in a harness. Also slang for a person who is being a jerk or a moron.

DILDO HARNESS—a rig that holds a dildo in place at the same angle as a penis. Puts the strap in “strap-on.” Gives a dildo penis-like properties of suspension and thrustability, but without the maneuverability of the real thing.

DOCKING—when an uncircumcised male pulls his foreskin over the head of another man’s penis There is no reason why it can’t be pulled over a woman’s nipples. Also can be cyberslang for “having sex;” “to dock.”

DOGGIE STYLE—intercourse from behind, not to be confused with intercourse in the behind. More popular than the missionary position in some parts of the world. Often results in better stimulation of the vaginal roof, which some women prefer. Can also refer to anal intercourse, but not usually.

DOGGING—formalized voyeurism, where couples who like to be seen having sex log onto special dogging forums and announce the time and place where they will be having sex in their car. Spectators who show up get to watch. Takes most of the risk and long hours of waiting out of being a voyeur. Started in the UK. The term originally referred to peeping Tom action, which was not necessarily done with the consent of the couple. Then came the Internet.

DOG’S BOLLOCKS—an expression in the UK which means “The best!” such as “Marty’s new car is the dog’s bullocks!” or “The mutt’s nuts.”

DOM—a dominatrix. For advice on hiring a dominatrix.

DO-ME QUEEN—in BDSM, a bottom whose entire existence revolves around getting the attention of others, while giving little in return. In the entertainment industry, an actress or actor.

DORK—a whale’s penis.

DORMCEST OR HALLCEST—having sex with someone who lives on the same hall or in the same dorm. Does not always turn out well.

DORMGASM—trying to stay very quiet when having sex or masturbating while your roommate is present, or if the contractor was over-budget and didn’t put insulation in the walls. For roommate wanking protocol, the chapter “Playing with Yourself.”

DORMROOM SEX—see “bunk-bed sex,” “sexiled,” “slut hut,” and “dormgasm.”

DOUBLE ANAL—simultaneous penetration of the anus by two penises.

DOUBLE BAGGED—wearing two condoms at once. Not a good idea.

DOUBLE DILDO—dildo that seats two. See “Feeldoe dildo.”

DOUBLE PENETRATION—penises in the vagina and rear end at the same time; “sandwich.” Can also be two penises in the same vagina at the same time.

DOUCHE BAG—less-than-complimentary term for a woman or prissy man. Also, a gravity-driven device for feminine hygiene. Douching three times a month or more will not win a nod of approval from the average gynecologist.

DOWNLOW—slang term in the black community for a gay or bisexual black man who is not out but who has sex with men. Often he can be married or have a girlfriend but the man-to-man sex is kept quiet so he isn’t banished from the straight part of the community.

DRAG—when a man wears women’s clothing.

DRAG KING—a factory-equipped female who is dressed like a dude. Judith Halberstam divides the drag kings into two groups: the butch drag king who’s such a natural at it that not even the manly guys mess with her, and the femme drag king who has to work really hard at it. Can include anyone of any gender who makes hyper-manliness an act, performance, or parody.

DRAG QUEEN—men who love to dress up and become female characters. A drag queen often refers to her female character as if she were another person: “Cynthia had a bad day and is feeling like a total bitch” or “Crystal was dressed to the nines tonight!” Drag queens tend to be a bit more boisterous about their gender identities than either transsexuals or transvestites; when you are in a room with a drag queen you often know she’s there because she so loves giving life to the female character she is playing. Mind you, just when you think you’ve got gender classifications such as “drag queen” sorted out, someone comes along and proves you wrong.

DRAINING THE WEASEL—taking a leak.

DRESSED TO THE RIGHT OR LEFT—guys who wear boxer shorts have to make a decision in life: on which side of the fly to rest their genitals. This is no big deal (sorry) unless you get your Wrangler’s tailor-made, in which case the tailor will inquire, “Sir, do you dress to the right or to the left?” He will then leave extra denim on whichever side you indicate. Deciding which side your package should rest on is usually a no-brainer for most guys, since it naturally feels better on one side or the other, unless you are amballdexterous.

DRUNK DIAL (NOUN) OR DRUNK DIALING (VERB)—a phone call that would be better made while sober, or not at all. Often results in the receiver of the call finding the caller to be a pathetic ass, especially when an ex- is involved. Can refer to texting as well, but “drunk text” doesn’t roll off the lips nearly as well as “drunk dial.” Good friends do not let friends dial while drunk.

DRY HUMP—traditional sport of young couples, where pubic regions are feverishly rubbed together while both participants are fully clothed. Can result in chafing, irritation, orgasm or all three; “frottage.”

DRY SEX—intercourse where the woman tries not to lubricate, as practiced in parts of Africa. If the woman lubricates as much as Western women, she risks having bad things thought about her character.

DTF—down to fuck, means ready, willing and wanting to have sex. Can refer to a person, place or condition, eg. “I’m getting some tonight, she’s DTF” or “that’s the most DTF dorm on campus.”

DVDA—means “double vagina, double anus.” This porn-movie silliness refers to the penises of four men simultaneously penetrating a woman’s vagina and rectum. It is not possible, but was alluded to in the B-movie satire Orgazmo.

DYKES ON BIKES—an all-girls motorcycle club.

DYSPAREUNIA—a persistent or recurrent genital pain associated with sexual intercourse. May have multiple causes and can be a bear to treat. Associated terms are vulvarvestibulitis and vaginismus.

ECTOPIC PREGNANCY—a pregnancy in which the embryo implants into the wall of the Fallopian tube instead of the uterus. A very dangerous condition which can result in maternal death.

EDGEPLAY—in the world of BDSM, there’s your mainstream whip, chain and collar play, and then there’s the edge, which refers to the edge of what is safe. People into edgeplay are willing to take the extra risk of permanent harm or death for the added rush or thrill.