The Guide to Getting It On (188 page)

QUEEF—a vagina fart.

QUEENING—when a woman straddles a man and rubs or grinds her vulva into his face; “face sitting.”

QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY—A very successful TV show that ran from 2003 to 2007 where “five gay men transformed a style-deficient and culture-deprived straight man from drab to fab.”

QUIM—very dated British term for “vulva,”“vagina,” “fanny,” or “twat.”

RANDY—Australian term for horny.

RAPE—sexual bodily assault. Because the developmental issues are so profound and the capacity for empathy is so diminished, rapists rarely seek psychotherapy. There are men who are capable of committing rape and an hour later going home to have what appears to be normal sex with their wives. Most rapists don’t view their acts as being criminal or brutal and are apt to justify themselves by saying that the woman wanted it, needed it or deserved it. The only good news on this front is that juvenile sexual offenders can often be helped. This is one of many reasons why they should never be placed with hardened adult offenders.

RAPE FANTASY—a common fantasy where a person is aroused by the thought of being raped, but would rarely want it to happen in real life. The “rapist” in rape fantasies is often a person whom the “victim” would very much like to have sex with, although sometimes not. A person having a rape fantasy is in control of her fantasy, while a real rape victim has no control at all.

RAW DOG IT—to have intercourse without protection.

REACH AROUND—when someone is doing a guy in the rear with a strap-on dildo or a penis and wraps her hand around to the front to stroke his penis.

REAM JOB—licking the anus; “rimming,” “reaming,” “tossing salad.” Also what a conscientious plumber does to the inner lip of pipe that’s just been cut.

RED WINGS—what a man earns when he’s performed oral sex on a woman who is having her period. Also the name of Detroit’s team in the National Hockey League.

RENDEROTICA—see “adult graphics community,” “poser porn” or go to www.renderotica.com.

RENT BOY—male prostitute, usually a gay male, but sometimes straight.

REPARATIVE THERAPY—during the early 1900s, the testicles of straight men were transplanted into the scrotums of gay men to help the latter become heterosexual. Today, conservative Christian therapists aim for a similar outcome but without the surgery.

RETARDED EJACULATION—when a guy’s sexual hang time is so long that his partner has mentally filled out a year’s worth of shopping lists before he comes; “delayed ejaculation.” See the chapter “Delayed Ejaculation.”

RETROGRADE EMISSION—when an ejaculating penis backfires. Can be caused by prostate problems, diabetes, MS, spinal-cord injury, neurological wiring issues, and because a man clamps the end of his penis shut when he’s jerking off—to name a few. One of the reasons why socks, Kleenex and toilet paper were invented was so guys could have something to shoot their wad into when masturbating. Otherwise, some men who don’t have the luxury of leaving a wad on site will clamp the penis shut when they come so nothing shoots out. Ouch. Intentionally causing a retrograde emission can cause severe plumbing problems and should only be done in the most dire of circumstances unless you want to end up at the doctor’s office doubled over with pain having to answer some really embarrassing questions.

REVERSE COWGIRL—intercourse position where the female is on top, facing the man’s feet. Since the woman is on top and facing south, this allows her to watch her partner’s toes curl with delight each time she squeezes the muscles in her crotch; she might also get to see his testicles rise up and hug the shaft of his penis when he begins to ejaculate or she can reach down with her hand and feel them do this (this is more pronounced in some men than in others). This is also a good position for her to massage her clitoris or for using a vibrator during intercourse.

RIMMING (RIM JOB)—kissing ass, literally, “ass-blowing,” “tossing salad” or “E-coli pie” (a term from supervert.com).

RING TOSSING—when your NuvaRing comes out during sex or when you are having a bowel movement. No problem. It can be out for three ours with no decrease in effectiveness. Longer than that, you should put it back in but check with your healthcare provider as soon as possible.

ROAD ERECTION—unwanted wood can happen any time to a guy who is sitting in a vehicle that vibrates (bus, car, tractor, etc.). It is caused by a combination of the vibration, which sends extra blood into the penis, and sitting, which tends to shut the veins that carry blood out of the penis.

ROAD HEAD—blow job while driving.

ROMAN CULTURE—refers to swinging and group sex.

ROOFIES—refers to date-rape drugs such as rohypnol, sometimes GBH, maybe even ketamine. While a concern, also a bit of media hype when you consider that way more women who experience date rape had been drinking or smoking with the moron who committed the felony than being drugged. It is a sad and unfair fact: if you want to lower your chances of date rape, don’t drink at parties or in places where bad things might happen. Also, don’t go to parties alone. Have a friend who checks up on you, and you on she. Note: Ambien is fast replacing roofies as the date rape drug. See “ambien sex.”

ROID RAGE—unpleasant mood occurring in some people who take steroids.

RU-486—the name given to mifepristone when it was in its testing phase, this is the drug that causes an abortion if taken within 49 days of conception.

RUBBERS—common name for condoms; origin: before the invention of latex, condoms in this country were made of vulcanized rubber. In the UK, a rubber is an eraser, which can make for some amusing translational moments.

SADOMASOCHISM—where people find it erotic when there’s an imbalance in power in a relationship and one person submits while the other dominates.

SAFE—prison slang for “vagina” or place to hide drugs or contraband.

SAME-ROOM SEX—when two couples (or more) have sex in the same room.

SANGER, MARGARET—(1883-1966) famous birth-control advocate at a time when dispensing information about birth control was illegal in America.

SAPPHO—poetess on the island of Lesbos. While even men from Lesbos are Lesbians, Sappho’s name has been synonymous with lesbian love. There is much debate about whether she was really gay.

SAFE WORD—BDSM-speak for a special prearranged word or gesture that the bottom can say to the top that means to stop.

SAUSAGE FEST—an event or gathering where the men greatly out number the women; “brodeo.” The opposite might be “clam bake,” but it’s rarely used.

SCABIES—small mites that burrow under the skin, causing a rash a month after infestation. Since it takes a month for symptoms to form, it is likely that other family or living-group members are infected and require treatment. Should be treated by a physician; be sure to follow instructions carefully. Soften your skin by taking a bath before applying pesticide treatment. Since scabies can’t live away from human skin for more than 24-hours, you don’t need to nuke your surroundings. However, do wash your clothes and sheets at the time of treatment. They look a little like beach crabs when magnified. See “chigger,” which is a mite of a different sort.

SCAT—when brown is a turn-on and the phrase “Look at that sexy shit!” means just that; “coprophilia.”

SCHLONG—Jewish term for penis.

SCISSORING—a sexual act where two women rub their vulvas together. Can be used in a more general way like the word “tribadism” or “tribbing” is used, or can specifically refer to when the women’s bodies are pointing in opposite directions with one’s head and shoulders being at the head of the bed and the other’s at the foot, with their vulvas rubbing together in the middle of the bed—as if the women’s open legs are two open pairs of scissors that you push together at a slight angle.

SCUMBAG—after being in use for nearly 200 years (long before condoms were invented), the term eventually started referring to a condom, but not in a nice way. It was usually used as a term for someone you don’t like.

SECONDARY ORGASMIC DYSFUNCTION—when a woman has been able to have orgasms in the past, but is unable to now although she is able to feel sexually aroused and excited. There can be numerous reasons, from illness to a change in partner.

SEMEN ALLERGY—an immune response against allergens contained in male ejaculate. Symptoms include vaginal burning, swelling and itching occurring approximately ten minutes after intercourse. While not rare, not overly common. Can develop right away, or quite suddenly after a few years with the same partner. To differentiate from chronic vaginitis, see if using a condom stops the problem. (You might try a polyurethane condom, as a latex allergy could mimic semen allergy symptoms.) Aside from a complete gynecologic exam, diagnosis should include intradermal testing, where a tiny bit of the semen is injected under the skin. Treatment under the supervision of an allergist or immunologist can include a “graded challenge” where dilute solutions of semen are placed in the vagina every 20 minutes until the patient can tolerate undiluted semen. The downside is that the couple has to have intercourse at least once every 48 hours to maintain the desensitization. Darn! As is the case with food allergies, the semen allergy might go as fast as it came.

SERIAL MONOGAMY—sounds like a dangerous criminal activity when it really means getting married, then divorced, then married again.

SEX BEFORE THE GAME—refers to masturbating or having sex fewer than twenty-four hours before taking part in a sporting event. Mirkin and Hoffman have found there’s no correlation between sex before the game and decreased athletic performance. They defer to Casey Stengel on the matter: “It isn’t sex that wrecks these guys, it’s staying up all night looking for it.”

SEX DREAMS—nature’s way of making sleep more interesting.

SEXILED—to be kicked out of your room while your roommate is having sex.

SEX-ON-THE-BEACH—a mixed drink with as many different formulations as there are intercourse positions.

SEXTASY—refers to when people combine ecstasy and Viagra; aka “trail mix.” The ecstasy is not good on wood, so Viagra is used to help. No one knows the long-term effects of this combination or what’s really in the ecstasy or Viagra that you get on the street.

SEXTING—using mobile devices for foreplay or taking explicit pictures of yourself and forwarding them to a lover.

SEXUALITY—an altered state of mind that’s often quite enjoyable. Includes various degrees of erotic or sensual feelings.

SEX WORKER—can be a prostitute, but now includes anyone who helps other people get off: phone-sex and cam-sex providers, erotic dancers, sex surrogates, etc.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION—describes who you are interested in sexually, often with the term gay, straight or bisexual being attached. Men tend to be more “category specific” in their sexual orientation, meaning they are mostly interested in either women or men but not both. Many women, on the other hand, can find both men and women to be sexually interesting—but this doesn’t mean the woman is bisexual or gay. See the chapter “Orientation in Flux.”

SHAGADELIC—someone who looks good enough to shag; a person you’d like to have sex with; vintage Austin Powers: “She shags like a minx, baby!”

SHAKE ’N’ BAKE—to make love; do the wild thing.

SHE-HE, SHE-MALE, or HE-SHE—see “transgendered.”

SHOCK DOC—a popular brand of a cup, which is a device that guys wear to protect their genitals from dick-high line drives, bad hops, elbows, lacrosse implements, kicks, etc. Which cup you wear depends on the sport and your position in that sport, for instance a goalie or catcher is looking for protection over mobility, where a shortstop or attackman is going to value mobility, as will someone in the martial arts. Along with new designs in cups, improvements have also come in the design of compression shorts, which hold the cup in place and are like a cross between bicycle short and an athletic supporter. Unfortunately, the sporting goods stores and other chain stores don’t always carry the better cups, so you might do well to visit
www.shockdoctor.com
and
www.sawsports.com.

SHORT-ARM INSPECTION—military term for examining an enlisted man’s penis. Supposedly for the detection of VD.

SHORT HAIRS—pubic hair.

SHOT MY WAD—ejaculated, came, popped, splooged or blew a load. See “cum.”

SHOWERHEAD EFFECT—when a piercing like a Prince Albert or an apadravya goes through the urethra, it tends to make urine spray like a showerhead instead of a stream. This can make peeing while standing quite a mess. Often the only solution is to pee while sitting down. He will also tend to ooze rather than shoot when he ejaculates.

SISTERS OF PERPETUAL INDULGENCE—a spirited, benevolent organization of drag queens who delight in taking the “convent” out of “conventional.” Their mission statement: The Sisters devote ourselves to community service, ministry and outreach to those on the edges, and to promoting human rights, respect for diversity and spiritual enlightenment. Visit the sisters at
www.thesisters.org.

SIXTY-NINE (69)—when a man and woman perform oral sex on each other at the same time. When French people do 69 they call it “soixante-neuf.”

SIZE QUEEN—a woman who likes guys who are seriously well-hung; best to avoid if you are not. Also a guy who likes guys who are seriously well-hung.

SKANK—a person who is short on physical and social graces; hard or harsh. Also refers to the person’s sexual choices in a less-than-kind way.