The Guide to Getting It On (190 page)

TRAINING BRA—training wheels for the growing chest.

TRAMP STAMP—a lower back tattoo that rides on the pants line. It peeks out at you when the owner—usually a woman—wears low-rise jeans and/or a cropped T-shirt that shows her midriff, or she bends over and her pants go low or her shirt goes high. The tattoo is often v-shaped and points down in a way that signifies the anatomy below. Designs range from flowers, butterflies, dolphins and tribal art to unusual symbols and geometric art.

TRANNY—that which helps give your car its go. Also, a transsexual, aka “tranny boys,” “drag kings” and “transmen.” See “transgendered.”

TRANSGENDERED—when the sex you were born with is different from the sex you want to be. People who are transgendered challenge notions of what it is to be male and female or masculine and feminine.

TRANSSEXUAL—person who uses surgery, makeup, electrolysis, and hormones to correct mother nature’s assignment of sex.

TRANSVESTITE—see “crossdresser.”

TRAUMA QUEEN—person who is highly skilled at finding or creating chaotic scenes, then feeds on it and fans it, complaining the whole time about it.

TRIBADISM—two women rubbing their vulvas together, resulting in sexual pleasure; aka “tribbing.” The way they shake hands on the island of Lesbos.

TRICK—customer of an escort or prostitute; aka “john.” Can also be a sexual act as done by a sex worker, as in “turning a trick.”

TRIPLE PENETRATION—porn-film term for where there’s a wealth of penii and only one taker; “triple play.”

TROLL—when someone gets on the Internet and posts messages that are designed to enrage people, such as posting cat-meat recipes on a pet-lover forum. To those who respond, the reply will sometimes be YHBT.YHL.HAND which means “you have been trolled, you have lost, have a nice day.”

TROPHY WIFE—physically stunning woman who is the ultimate entertainment-industry or corporate wife. The relationship between a trophy wife and her husband is sometimes consensual parasitism. Trophy wives are often involved in charities for dying or troubled children while they are simultaneoulsy messing up their own. Some trophy wives are complex people, capable of more than abusing maids, caterers, florists, and gardeners. Trophy wives can be warm and kind to others who are able to help their husband’s career. Sexually speaking, it’s possible that some trophy wives feel sensation between their legs, but this is frowned upon because it might result in sloppy decisions when selecting a mate. Trophy wives view wealth, power and security as the ultimate orgasm, as do the men who bed and wed them.

TUBAL LIGATION—female sterilization where the Fallopian tubes are sealed.

TUBES—free websites that are aggregators (and sometimes accused pirates) of porn content. Millions of visitors each day watch free porn clips on the various tubes lasting from 3 minutes to twenty minutes. Some of the better known tubes are pornotube, xtube, pornhub, redtube and spankwire. While the goal of most click throughs is to eventually make money from the viewers, some are genuine amateurs who get off from posting and having fans. Porn tubes have drastically changed the way online porn sites operate. It used to be porn viewers expected to take a short free tour and then have to subscribe with a monthly fee. Now, it’s possible for millions to see porn for free, with the “price” they pay subsidized by ads, links, and an endless stream of popups. There is also a great deal of virus downloading from porn sites. Billions of dollars are still being made through the sale and distribution of online porn, but the way it’s made has changed greatly due to the tube sites.

TUGGING—when a guy tries to restore his foreskin without surgery.

TURKEY DUMP—when a freshman in college comes home for Thanksgiving and breaks up with his or her high-school sweetheart, or any breakup that happens right before or during the Thanksgiving break.

TWINK—a young and cute gay guy who appears to be somewhat helpless or is not the brightest bulb in Boystown. While twinks used to be young, white and without body hair, the category is now being broadened. Also a gaming term that refers to a new player or character who’s been outfitted with better gear than would usually be expected.

UHSE, BEATE—giant German porn and erotica chain founded and run by Beate Rotermund, a formerly destitute woman who, with her young son, stole a plane and cleverly escaped the Russians as they were pulling into Germany at the end of World War II. She funded one of the finest museums of sexuality.

UM-FRIEND—according to the people at Boston Poly, this is a person no one else knows you are having sex with: “This is Dan, my–um–friend.”

UNCUT—not circumcised. See the chapter “Fun with Your Foreskin.”

UNDERWEAR SWAPPING or TRADING—in Japan, there is such a large market for unlaundered teenage girls’ underwear that the legislature outlawed the sale of used underwear by teenagers. Japanese teenage girls could go to small stores called “burusera” and sell their soiled knickers for $20, $30 or more per pair (the more fragrant or soiled, the higher the price). In other parts of the world, some gay or straight guys enjoy swapping underwear of the desired sex as a turn-on or fetish, and only clueless neat-freaks would launder them.

UNDESCENDED TESTICLE—testicles are not formed in the scrotum, but in the abdomen. Before birth, they usually descend into the scrotum. When this doesn’t happen, the boy is born with an undescended testicle. About 3.5% of males are born with an undescended testicle, the majority of which descend on their own within the first year. Also known as cryptorchidism which is Greek for “hidden gonad.”

UPSKIRTING—camera shot up an unsuspecting woman’s dress. Upskirting is supposedly carried out by men carrying hidden cell phone or mini-cams in bags. They stand close to unknowing women wearing skirts and voila! Often, the images are then posted on websites. However, if you do a Google search of upskirting, the first hundred or so results are for news reports on upskirting rather than some of the thousands of alleged websites. Seems like a big waste of time—you get a better view going to the beach!

URETHRA PLAY (U.P.)—stimulating the urethra by sticking something down it, usually with instruments called sounds and occasionally a catheter. The feelings can range from an immediate need to orgasm, to pain and discomfort. According to Foz at Fozzie’s Den, there are three types of UP persons: probers who do it just for the feel of something in their urethra, stuffers who want to stick the thickest possible rod down their own rod to stretch it out, and plungers who want to go deep, past the prostate and even into the bladder.

URETHRAL SPONGE—cushions and protects the female urethra; is associated with G-spot area stimulation, but may not be what the sensation is all about.

VAGINISMUS—is a tightness in the vagina that causes discomfort, burning, pain, penetration problems, or complete inability to have intercourse. The muscles surrounding the vagina can close so tightly that they won’t allow anything inside, including a tampon. Vaginismus can have many causes, including pelvic pain, fear of childbirth, psychological trauma, fear-based sexual upbringing, a bad experience at the gynecologist’s office, and more. A good source of information and help for vaginismus is Lisa and Mark Carter’s excellent website and online community at
www.Vaginismus.com.

VAJAYJAY—what the women on Grey’s Anatomy have between their legs.

VAJAZZLE OR VAJAZZLING—applying crystals, jewels, rhinestones or sequins between the naval and the labia with eyelash glue, latex or spirit gum.

VANILLA SEX—how some people describe sex that doesn’t include kink.

VARICOCELE—clump of varicose veins in the scrotum. This causes a swelling in the top and back of the testicle, and results a warmer scrotum which isn’t good for sperm production. In 85% of cases, it occurs in the left testicle and is the leading cause of infertility in men.

VASECTOMY—snip, snip.

VASELINE—that which melts condoms, because both Vaseline and condoms are made of petroleum by-products. The Vaseline acts as a solvent and dissolves the latex rubber. Vaseline does not work for birth control.

VERSATILE—sex-ad term for “goes both ways” or bisexual.

VERTICAL REENTRY—a difficult but important surfing trick that involves coming out of the wave and doing a skateboard-like maneuver to get back in. A similar maneuver is used during intercourse when a guy pulls out too far.

VIBRATOR—electrical device that makes some women very, very happy.

VIBRATING SLEEVE—soft, tubelike device with a vibrator in the end which men stick a lubricated penis into. A male-masturbation device.

VIOLET WAND—a very tame version of a cattle prod or taser used in BDSM play. Emphasis on “very tame version.” Usually nothing to fear.

VIRGINITY PLEDGE—a promise to not have vaginal intercourse before marriage, causing distress in the part of the lap over which your clenched hands lay during church services. Fortunately, no person taking a virginity pledge has ever broken it, but just in case you’re the first, why not keep condoms handy?

VISIBLE PANTY LINE (VPL)—when panty lines show through pants, dresses, or skirts. Considered by women to be one of the more serious of the female fashion felonies. The biggest cause is panties that are too tight. In some cases, thongs or boy-shorts can help, but not if what you are wearing over it is extremely tight or transparent. Interestingly, VPL isn’t seen as a negative by most men.

VOYEUR—person who enjoys watching people undressing or having sex.

VOYEUR’S ROOM—swinger’s equivalent to the observation tower. A room with lots of mattresses where some have sex for show, and others enjoy watching.

VULVA—the external female genitals. People often say “vagina” when they are referring to the vulva. The vulva is what you are looking at when you cop a beaver shot; aka “beaver,” “snatch,” and in the UK, “fanny.”

VULVAR VESTIBULITIS—a form of vulvodynia where the pain or discomfort is localized to the vulvar vestibule, which is the part of the vulva that’s between the inner lips. Could result from any of a number of different causes, including the use of oral contraceptives. An excellent resource to begin with is “Moving Beyond the Diagnosis of Vestibulodynia—A Holiday Wish List” by Andrew Goldstein, Journal of Sexual Medicine, 2009;6:3227–3229.

VULVODYNIA—this would be Latin for “a big pain in my pussy.” Symptoms include discomfort or burning pain in the vulvar area of unexplained origin. Often described as a chronic burning or knife-like pain, this disorder is very complex and can be a serious challenge to treat. Most healthcare providers throw their gloved-hands up in despair, which means that the patient will need to do a lot of research and find a specialist who works with vulvodynia. To give you an idea of the complexity, vulvodynia can be broken down into pain that is generalized or localized, and these categories are further broken down into pain that is provoked, unprovoked or both provoked and unprovoked. For a list of resources, see the “pelvic pain for women” part of our links at
www.Guide2Getting.com.

VULVITIS—an inflammation of the vulva. There can be as many causes as there are vulvas.

WAD—male ejaculate; see “cum.”

WAISTBAND TUCK—a maneuver that a male makes when he is trying to hide an unwanted erection. If the erection naturally goes in an upward direction, he puts his hands in his pockets and nudges his rogue boner under the waistband of his briefs or boxers. The hope is that the waistband will hold it against his abdomen.

WALK OF SHAME—walking back to where you live in the morning after having had random sex, wearing the same clothes you wore the night before, sometimes looking disheveled with your panties in your purse, trying to avoid eye contact with others or trying to avoid the light of the early morning because you’re seriously hung over and it just plain hurts. However, if it was an exceptional experience or you’re a guy and can brag to your friends so they no longer think you are gay, it would be called the Stride of Pride.

WAKING WITH A HARD-ON—during REM (dream) sleep, males usually get erections and female genitals swell and lubricate. Since we humans have a much greater proportion of dream sleep toward the morning, men frequently awaken in the morning with REM-related hard-ons. Also, males might awaken with elevated levels of sex hormones in their blood; while this doesn’t necessarily make them hornier, it is possible that it contributes to morning erections; aka “morning glory;” see “peeing with a hard-on.”

WANK—UK term for masturbation. Has many uses, such as, “I’m desperate for a wank,” “I don’t give a wank!” or “He kept wanking on about Marxist theory until the whole class nodded off;” “to toss off.”

WANKER—name that the Queen of England calls Andy and Charlie when they are being lazy or bad, e.g. “Go suck on a pig’s nose, you little wankers!”

WANK MAGS—UK term for porn; a hidden stash of porn is a “wank bank.”