The Guide to Getting It On (14 page)

Volume and Why You’ll Probably Never Shoot Like a Porn Star

When semen researchers have too much time on their hands, they apparently masturbate a lot. This explains why so many studies have been done on the volume of human ejaculation.

These studies show that the average volume of each wad is between 2.3 ml and 4.99 ml. For reference, a teaspoon is a pubic hair shy of 5.0 ml. So it’s safe to say that the average man shoots between half a teaspoon and a full teaspoon each time he ejaculates. (The average bull weighs between 1,000 and 2,000 lbs. He ejaculates between 4 ml and 8 ml, or not much more than the average human male.)

Given that these studies were averages of groups of men, the range of 2.3 ml and 4.99 ml seems awfully wide. So there were clearly differences in the protocols or the way the ejaculations were collected.

Semen Allergies

A semen allergy is caused by an allergic reaction to a particular protein in semen that’s made by the prostate gland. The onset can vary. A woman could have been just fine with a partner’s semen for a couple of years, and then suddenly start having an allergic reaction to it for no good reason. Or she may have had a semen allergy from her very first contact with semen. Symptoms can include pain, redness, burning, swelling, and itching.

Semen allergy is very uncommon. Up to 40,000 women in the United States are thought to have it. One way to decide if the problems are due to semen or chronic vaginitis is to use a condom during intercourse. (It’s best to use a polyurethane condom, given how the symptoms might also be from a latex allergy.) If the symptoms stop when you are using a condom but begin again when you don’t use a condom, it’s time to consider a semen allergy.

Aside from a complete gynecologic exam, a woman will need to get intradermal testing to see if she has an allergy to semen. This is where a small amount of semen is injected under the skin. If this were done in a show on the Syfy Channel, an unwanted alien child would probably start incubating under the woman’s skin. But in real life, it simply determines if there’s an allergic reaction.

Fortunately, there is a desensitization treatment for semen allergy that is safe and effective. You need to do it under the supervision of an allergist or immunologist. It is called a “graded challenge” where diluted solutions of semen are placed in the vagina every twenty minutes until the woman is able to tolerate undiluted semen. The “downside” is that the couple has to have intercourse at least two to three times a week from that day forward to maintain the desensitization!

Another fascinating thing about semen allergy is a woman doesn’t get a bad reaction to the semen of just one guy. If she did, switching partners would be a treatment option, although not always a desired or practical one. If she gets a semen allergy, it’s to a protein in semen that all men have. Also, once she develops a semen allergy, it’s not just to semen in her vagina. The burning and itching can occur any place where semen touches her skin, including in her mouth or up her bum. As is the case with food allergies, a semen allergy might go away as fast as it arrived.

Why Semen Gets Clumpy in the Shower or Bath

You may have noticed that semen gets clumpy, stringy and sticky when it’s in water—like when a guy masturbates in the bath and the semen gets all clumpy and sticks to his skin and body hair, or when he masturbates in the shower and the semen sticks to the floor or any hair that’s collected on the drain cover.

When semen first comes out of the penis, it’s hydrophobic which means it hates water. Even though it’s a liquid, when fresh semen makes contact with water, it will form clumps, like the bubbles in Lava lamps, but nowhere near as cool. These clumps are semen’s way of protecting as much of itself as possible from water. You can see this if a guy will ejaculate into a glass of water. His friends will be amazed.

These sticky semen clumps will stick to your skin or shower floor or the hair in the shower drain. This is why if a man has roommates and shares a shower, it’s only right for him to clean up the shower drain after he’s masturbated and his clumpy semen collects there.

Semen will only clump up if it makes contact with water as a guy is ejaculating. Otherwise, semen will actually liquefy or get watery all on its own in ten to fifteen minutes. Women know this because it starts dripping out of their vaginas after intercourse.

Spying on Sperm

It can be very cool to look at your own or your partner’s semen under a microscope. What you thought was just a gob of sticky goo is actually a metropolis of biological activity. It’s like looking down at New York City during rush hour, only with sperm instead of Taxi cabs. Here’s how you do it:

• Materials:
  You’ll need access to a microscope that has 100x and 400x magnifications, a microscope slide and coverslips, and a human male with a hard-on. Make sure the microscope has a good light and that you can focus on the edge of a coverslip that’s on a glass slide.
  
• Producing the Sample:
  This is the funnest part! If you don’t know how to produce semen in the bottom of a glass, there are plenty of chapters in this book that can help. If you need lube, only use saliva. Most commercial lubricants do evil things to sperm.
  
• Timing:
  You’ll want to have the semen under the microscope within 60 to 90 minutes after it is produced.
  
• The Container:
  As you might recall from the start of this chapter, semen doesn’t squirt out pre-mixed. So you’ll need to collect the entire ejaculation in the same container. If you don’t, you might not be collecting the squirts that have sperm. Be sure to use a container large enough to fit the head of the penis into while it splooges. Do not collect the specimen in a condom unless it’s a condom made from polyurethane and has no lube inside. The materials in most condoms are not sperm friendly.
  
• The Semen:
  While it tends to come out thick, your semen will liquefy within 15 to 20 minutes—so much that it will become almost as thin as water. After it has liquefied, give it a close look with your naked eyes. According to our sperm consultant: “If it is clear (transparent), the sperm count is probably low. If it is cloudy but you can see through it (translucent), it is a medium sperm count. If it is creamy white or yellowish and you cannot see through it, it is probably a fairly high sperm count. This is not a measure of fertility, just something interesting. Besides, it only takes one sperm for paternity, and the number of sperm depends on many things, including how often you ejaculate, if you’ve been in hot tubs or hot baths, what medications you are taking, etc.”
  
• The Temperature:
  Keep your specimen between body temperature and room temperature. Any colder or hotter, and sperm start dropping like flies. If you’re taking it from your dorm to the biology lab, keep it warm and safe.
  
• Slide Prep:
  Lightly swirl the semen in the container to mix it. Put a drop or two on the slide, and then place a cover slip over it.
  
• Look-See:
  Put the slide on the microscope’s platform and look at it with the 10x objective (at hopefully a 100x magnification). The sperm are going to be very small and difficult to see. Once you spy sperm, change to the 40x objective, but don’t make any significant changes in focus or you risk breaking the slide with the lens. If you need to make changes in the focus, go back to the 10x objective and do it that way.
  
• Other Gunk in Your Junk:
  Semen has more than 300 constituents, including proteins, fats, immature sperm cells, dead parts of old sperm, and occasionally blood cells. Given the less-than optimal conditions you are probably working under, it wouldn’t be surprising if 50% or more of your sperm were dead as little doornails before you look through the microscope. Also, only about 15% of sperm are the beautiful type with flowing tails, the rest are not like you see in the textbooks.
  

Dear Paul,

When I have an erection, it starts dripping like I’ve come before I actually come. Is something wrong with my penis? —Marty from Manitoba

Dear Marty,

It sounds like precum, which is one of nature’s finer sex lubes. Unlike your regular ejaculate, precum is clear and oozes out gradually instead of shooting across your chest. It makes the head of your penis slippery and more disposed to slide kindly into the vagina of the love of your life. It may also help make the urethra less acidic so your ejaculate is more likely to get a girl pregnant. You can tell precum from urine by touching it with your fingertip and then pulling your finger away. Precum will stay connected to your finger, making a clear, cool-looking spindle, like bubble gum when you pull part of it out of your mouth. Precum can also drip out with a morning erection or when you’ve got unwanted wood in the middle of a class or at work. Any other fluids of an unknown origin that drip out of your penis, especially if they are a bit green or pus-like, should be checked out by your healthcare provider.

As for a popular idea that precum has no sperm in it, that has recently been shown to be untrue. Up to 40% of men’s precum has low amounts of sperm in it. This could potentially get a woman pregnant, and is why you should not rely on withdrawal or coitus interruptus for birth control.

Readers’ Comments

What did you think the first time you saw a guy ejaculate?

“I was a little shocked. I was young, 15, and I don’t think I understood exactly what was going on. It’s also when I realized that tissues weren’t just for noses anymore.”
female age 27

“I did it right! Good job! I was proud of me. Then I thought, ‘Geez, I hope my mom doesn’t come home early.’ ”
female age 22

“I remember being disgusted and oddly fascinated at the same time, and I couldn’t believe how far that stuff could shoot out!”
female age 32

“It just kind of oozed out. For some reason I thought there was supposed to be more of a stream.”
female age 37

“I was jealous he could actually project it from his body and I couldn’t.”
female age 23

“I was kinda grossed out by the whole thing.”
female age 45

“I was proud that I made him ejaculate, but I couldn’t believe that people actually would let that go in their mouths. I was a senior in high school.”
female age 25

“I wondered what it felt like. I wondered what it tasted like. Also, I wondered what it would feel like to have that happen inside of me.”
female age 25

“I vaguely remember thinking, it’s amazing how their bodily process is. Also, there is what is needed to help form a human being.”
female age 36

A Very Special Thanks:
To Steven “Dr. Sperm” Schrader, Ph.D., Darius A. Paduch, MD., PhD, Urology & Reproductive Medicine, Weill Cornell Medical College, and Jennifer Collins, MD, Albert Einstein School of Medcine.