The Guide to Getting It On (140 page)

Ken Turned 50 in 2011—Rose from the Ashes, And Finally Had His Day

At the 2004 Toy Fair, Mattel executives announced that after forty-three years together, Barbie was dumping Ken. Poor Ken: Mattel put him into assisted living. Mattel was pushing one of their newer boytoys named Blaine. Blaine looked like a Southern California mall-rat druggie. As for how well Blaine might have been equipped, in one of his earlier packagings he was holding an electric guitar with a neck that was so long it was at least the equivalent of a nine-inch penis. Blaine came out like a lion, racking up respectable sales, but he had absolutely no staying power. You will be hard pressed to find him anymore.

By 2007, Mattel announced they were bringing Ken out of retirement. What the heck, with Viagra and all... The new Ken had obviously received a great deal of reparative therapy, as he had a radical new hairdo, a more manly face, and he screamed “I’m straight.” But as of early 2009, Ken could not be found anywhere. Was it possible that Ken had a reparative-therapy relapse, and he and Blaine hooked-up?

But then came 2010. First was the Barbie Harley-Davidson Barbie and Ken Doll Gift Set. But then came Ken’s greatest moment in his almost 50 years as he starred in the blockbuster film Toy Story 3. While he didn’t put to rest any rumors about his sexual orientation, Ken was clearly the Toy Story 3 dark horse scene stealer.

Note:
Just as Barbie’s boys have been seriously fey, their accessories have often been quite phallic. Ken’s cookout set has a long fork that is skewering a big pink weenie, his hunting outfit has a massive rifle, and his baseball outfit includes a really long bat.

Mattel Misses the Muslim Market, But Nails India

With the highly successful release of Fulla, a Middle East knockoff of Barbie, it’s clear that Mattel missed what could have been a lucrative opportunity in the Muslim world. Fulla is a fine Muslim doll of Barbie proportions who comes in a bright pink box with her own prayer mat and a black abaya and headscarf. Fulla is selling like gangbusters in the Middle East.

We at Goofy Foot Press are, however, the proud owners of a Barbie in India doll. The Indian Barbie comes wearing a colorful saree and ethnic jewelry. Better yet, she has a bindi, which is the traditional red spot between her eyes. We haven’t undressed her to she if she might have a bindi between her gravity-defying breasts as well, but we’re sure millions of Indian kids have.

Parents & Barbie

What follows is the ultimate discussion of Barbie by the parents of a young girl. It is from Margaret Atwood’s piece
The Female Body:

He said, I won’t have one of those things around the house. It gives a young girl a false notion of beauty, not to mention anatomy. If a real woman was built like that, she’d fall flat on her face.

She said, If we don’t let her have one like all the other girls she’ll feel singled out. It’ll become an issue. She’ll long for one and she’ll long to turn into one. Repression breeds sublimation. You know that.

He said, It’s not just the pointy plastic tits, it’s the wardrobes. The wardrobes and that stupid male doll, what’s his name, the one with the underwear glued on.

She said, Better to get it over with when she’s young.

He said, All right, but don’t let me see it.

She came whizzing down the stairs, thrown like a dart. She was stark naked. Her hair had been chopped off, her head was turned back to front, she was missing some toes, and she’d been tattooed all over her body with purple ink, in a scrollwork design. She hit the potted azalea, trembled there for a moment like a botched angel, and fell.

He said, I guess we’re safe.

The Female Body by Margaret Atwood, originally printed in Vol. XXIX, No. 4, Fall 1990 issue of Michigan Quarterly Review, edited by Laurence Goldstein.

Excellent Resources:
This discussion of Barbie has provided only a small sketch of the truly rich and fascinating history of this cultural icon. If it has piqued your interest, you are strongly encouraged to check out at least two excellent books on the subject. One is M.G. Lord’s
Forever Barbie—The Unauthorized Biography of a Real Doll, 1994/1995,
Avon Books. One of Lord’s many fine observations can be found in her discussion of Barbie’s friend, Midge: “If plastic dolls could kill themselves, I’m sure Midge would have tried.” Talk about having to spend your entire life playing second fiddle!

Regarding the second highly recommended book,
Face of the American Dream, Barbie Doll (1959-1971)
by Christopher Varaste, Hobby House Press, (1999), who knew that photos of the early Barbie could be so fascinating and compelling? Barbie’s face and expression during this period was much more interesting than now, and Varaste does an exceptional job of capturing it.

Reader’s Comments

“Ways Barbie impacted my femininity? She made me hate clothes.”
female age 21

“Ways Barbie impacted my femininity? I dress better now.”
female age 20

“My sister and I were a little obsessed with Barbie. We turned old dressers and coffee tables into Barbie mansions. I played with Barbie from the time I was 4 until I was 11 or 12. I’m not sure when Barbie and Ken started having sex (they weren’t just sleeping in the same bed), maybe when I was 7, that’s when I learned what intercourse involved. Mostly, I got the dolls undressed, put them in bed and twisted their bodies back and forth. They couldn’t really do anything since Barbie didn’t have a vagina and Ken didn’t have a penis. However, once Barbie and Ken started having sex, they never stopped. Every night. That’s how I thought it was done, only at night, only in bed. Several Barbies went through a sex change. I got her ready for the operation (remember Dr. Barbie?), wheeled her into the operating room, and when she came out, she’d been replaced with a Ken doll. All of Barbie’s friends talked about her behind her back when she got the change–her mother (grandma Barbie) had a hard time coping. I’m being glib, but I did act all of this out. My Barbies had detailed conversations, had intimate family lives, detailed jobs, etc. There was a lot of adultery in Barbie’s world which resulted in divorces, private investigators, and alcoholism. All the adultery was acted out in full detail, from Ken coming on to his secretary at work to the act itself to Barbie throwing all of Ken’s clothes out the window... Barbie helped me act out my own questions about being an adult. I’m a feminist now, I have a healthy relationship, earn more than my spouse, don’t wear make-up or high-heeled shoes, and my husband helps with all the housework. It’s okay to let little girls play with Barbie.”
female age 24

“Ways Barbie impacted your femininity and/or sexuality: There was one summer when I was fairly obsessed with the fact that Ken had no dick. Beach Ken had a totally inaccurately placed suggestion of one, but no balls.”
female age 21

“My cousin and I were addicted to our Barbies, from as early as I can remember. I think I was 7 or 8 when our Barbies started having all sorts of high-drama romances, and there were ALL SORTS of different sexual experiences going on. My cousin and I were very creative with our Barbies’ sexual escapades. I remember mine even having some homosexual experiences, which my cousin thought was weird. I actually think that my Barbies were a big outlet for my sexual curiosity growing up. When I was a teenager and no longer played with Barbies, I wondered if maybe it was odd that I made my Barbies have all sorts of sexual experiences when I was so young. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that sexually, I’m a very open and curious person, and I think it’s just that I’ve always been that way. When I played with Barbies with my cousin though, I almost always had to play Ken. I find myself now very comfortable filling a lot of traditionally masculine roles in my relationships. The two may or may not be related.”
female age 22

“Ugh, as much as I hate to admit it, yes, my Barbies had sex. And since I also had a twelve-inch Luke Skywalker doll, they did it A LOT. I also played with a girlfriend at the time. We did sex play with our dolls.”
female age 34

CHAPTER

68

The Historical Breast & Bra

A
n early reader of this chapter said, “I’d rather be flogged with my Wonderbra than do a boring chapter on bras and breasts. I’m going straight to Chapter 19 where I can learn how to give a better blowjob.” Imagine that, a woman who takes her Wonderbra for granted! Before the 1920s, women were skeptical about bras. They preferred to wear corsets. As for bras being thought of as cute or sexy, that wouldn’t happen until World War II.

There’s hardly a woman in Western culture who doesn’t have a bunch of bras, including a favorite one or two that she wears when she wants to feel extra sexy. She can also make a sexual statement by not wearing a bra. And what teenage boy doesn’t equate success in dating with whether a girl let him put his hand under her bra?

This chapter looks at breasts and the bras that hold them up. It begins with a peek at breasts in different times and different places. It then focuses on the fascinating evolution of the bra: how it came to be in 1860, and how it eventually came to have a sexual edge.

The Ups and Downs of the French Breast

In the time of Renaissance France, it was believed that breast milk was made from blood that flowed from the vagina. This notion was handed down from the ancient Greeks, with Leonardo DiVinci eventually making a diagram of it (as shown above by our own Daerick DiVinci). Since it was assumed that breast milk rose up from the vagina, intercourse was thought to curdle the breast-milk supply. Perhaps the French believed that a penis going in and out of a vagina was like a paddle churning buttermilk. Women who were nursing babies were not to have intercourse.

Given that upper-class French women would rather have sex than nurse babies, the nursing job was pawned off on the women of the lower class. This caused there to be a distinction between the breasts of the lower class and those of the upper class. Breasts of the lower class were expected to be large and lactating, while upper-class breasts were expected to be small and perky. (They must have assumed that poor women didn’t like sex, so their supply of milk was safe.)

Before the revolution, women used the same kind of makeup on their breasts as they used on their faces. The goal was to make their breasts look exceptionally white. Older women would paint blue veins on their breasts to make them look like the more transparent skin of the younger girls. Unfortunately, the makeup they used on their faces and breasts was a compound that contained lead. Not only did it corrode the skin but it contributed to cases of lead poisoning. Not to be outdone by their sisters from the past, today’s runway models sometimes paint nail polish on their erect nipples as a way of keeping them erect.

In time and with the coming of the French Revolution, the heads of many upper-class French women became separated from their perky breasts. Eventually it became not only fashionable but a sign of patriotism for all French women to nurse their babies.