The Harder I Fall (16 page)

T
HE FIRST TIME
I
SAW
them together cut me like a knife. I’d known it would happen someday; I just hadn't imagined it would be a month after we broke up. They were walking hand in hand about twenty feet ahead of me. I’d seen her around before. She was the girl from his study group I had seen in the library a few months ago. Of course, she was drop dead gorgeous - tall and blonde with the palest blue eyes I had ever seen.

Sadie was just coming out of our dorm; I had been waiting for her. She saw me staring at Levi and
her
. I didn’t care what her name was.

“Oh, shit! I should have told you.” She clapped a hand over her mouth.

“You knew about this?”

“Yeah, I met her when I was over at Julian’s the other day. I’m so sorry. This really sucks.”

Levi saw me then. He had been smiling at whatever
she
was saying, but his smile faded when he saw me looking. He nodded at me, and walked past us into the dorm. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I couldn’t breathe. I clawed at the scarf around my neck and sank down on the bench I was standing in front of.

“Are you okay?” Sadie asked.

“No, I’m really not.” I was dying inside, and I knew it was my own doing. If I had just told him how I really felt, none of this would have happened.

“What can I do?” She looked anxious.

“Nothing. I’ll get over it. It’s just going to take me a while. My heart is shredded to bits, and seeing them was like salt in the wound. The first time is supposed to be the worst, right?” I hoped to everything that she said yes.

“No, it gets worse, honey. But eventually it will get better, once your heart heals.”

I choked out a sob, “I hate this. I really, really, hate this. I should never have dated him to begin with.”

“Don’t say that. You’ve changed so much since you were with him. It was like you came to life for the first time. He brought something out of you.”

“Levi was my new beginning, but I let fear ruin it for me,” I said.

“Just because you aren’t together now, doesn’t mean it’s forever.”

“He deserves so much more than me. I have nothing to give anyone. I’m not a whole person. I’ve been ruined my whole life.”

Sadie didn't know what to say to me; she just took my hand and led me back to our dorm room.
He was dating someone else. I was that easy to get over.
The self-loathing thoughts began to creep in.
She’s taller and prettier than me, too. Why wouldn't he like her? Wonder how long it took for him to ask her out? He probably couldn’t wait to be with someone normal
.

“Are you listening to me?” Sadie asked.

I wasn’t; I was too far down the rabbit hole of self-hate. “Sorry, what did you say?”

“I asked if you were going to be okay here by yourself. I have a class that I can't miss today.”

“Yeah, go ahead. I’m leaving soon, too. I have work.”

“Want me to walk with you?”

“No, you go on ahead. I need to freak out for a few more minutes before I have to be normal for the rest of the day.” I smiled weakly.

“I get that. Try and have a good day.”

“I will.” We both knew it would be a terrible day, but it was nice to pretend sometimes.

I gave myself exactly five minutes to cry and freak out. Then, I went to the bathroom and washed my face before grabbing my stuff and heading out to wait on people for the rest of the day. Julian was walking past my door when I walked out.

“Hey.” He smiled. “Where are you headed?”

“Work, nowhere fun. What about you?”

“Class. I’ll walk you part way.”

I wanted to tell him no, but I didn’t. He was just being nice, and I was almost one hundred percent sure that Sadie had arranged it.

“So, how are you?” His voice was gentle, and he did that little head to the side thing people always do when they ask that.

“Surviving,” I said.

“I guess that’s all you can ask for, right?”

“I know this is weird for you, too. Levi is your best friend; you don't have to do this.”

“You’re my friend, too. I’m not going to walk away from that because you and Levi broke up. Besides, we’re going to see each other too often to let things get weird between us.”

“It’s all just so... I don’t know. It just sucks.”

“It really does.”

“I hated seeing them together,” I admitted. “That was awful, and I hope it never happens again. And before you say anything, yes, I know it will happen a lot because we live in the same building. I just wish I could zap them to some sort of alternate universe where all ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends get sent to until the dumped ones get over it.”

He laughed. “That would make things easier, wouldn’t it?”

“So much easier.”

“I don’t know if this will make you feel any better, but this hasn’t been easy on him, either.” It didn’t made me feel better, because unlike me, Levi had no problems moving on. I was stuck, paralyzed. The fear of opening myself up to someone else was crippling.

“Maybe it does a little,” I lied. “I don’t want to talk about him with you. It’s too weird. Let’s change the subject.”

“Sure, I get that. We don't have to talk about him. What do you want to talk about?”

“Are you taking Sadie anywhere good for Valentine’s Day? I know she’s been not so subtly hinting that she wants to go somewhere fancy so she has an excuse to wear those crazy expensive shoes she bought in New York.”

He laughed. “I’ve taken those hints. I made a reservation at a nice place just outside of town.”

“Good, I couldn't stand a mopey Sadie. I’m the only one allowed to mope. I have a monopoly on it.”

“I have it well in hand, so don't you worry,” he said.

We walked for a while longer until we got to his building and then I continued on to work. I dreaded having to plaster on a smile and pretend to be happy for five hours.

Sadie stopped in after her class. “Hey, honey, how are you holding up?”

“Could be better.” I handed her a latte, her usual drink.

“Want to talk later?”

“No, I really don’t. I just want to forget about the last four months.”

“If only it were that easy. This is your first breakup. It gets easier, I promise. Just give it some time.” She squeezed my hand. “See you later.”

“
B
ECCA.
H
EY, WAIT UP.”
G
OD
, his voice. I couldn’t talk to him right now. I needed to get away. I sped up and hoped that he would take the hint. “Damn it, Becca, wait up!” he yelled.

I stopped walking but didn’t turn around. I knew seeing his face would tear me up.

“Can you turn around, please?” I shook my head. “Stop making this so difficult.” He sounded annoyed.

I turned to face him and wanted to cry. I loved him; I knew it then. I had blown it.

“Look, I’m sorry about yesterday. That was shitty for you to see.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I mumbled, trying to hold back the tears.

“No, I should have told you before, but I didn’t know what to say. And we haven't really talked since everything happened.” He was just as uncomfortable as I was.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” It was barely a whisper; any louder and the tears would come.

“How are you?” he asked.

I shrugged. I wasn’t okay, far from it. When you realize you lost the one person who loved you unconditionally because you were too stupid to realize you had a good thing is soul crushing. A tear slipped down my cheek and I wiped it away quickly.

“You’re not okay.”

“I’m sorry. Everything was my fault. Don't feel bad about any of it”

He looked like he wanted to hug me. He had inched forward slightly. I took a step back and wiped my eyes. “I have to go,” I said.

“Please, just wait.”

“Levi, I can’t. It hurts too much to look at you. To see you with her. I just can’t. Let me go.”

I didn’t look back, just kept walking as the tears streamed down my cheeks. When was this supposed to get easier? So far it seemed every day was worse. I lost a little bit more of myself to the sadness. I did something I never did; I skipped a class. I just couldn’t seem to pull myself together after Levi hijacked me. Instead, I went to the ballet studio to dance, but I found a class in session.

I sat against the wall in the back and watched the girls. It soothed me, their smooth movements, the sound of Renatta’s voice. It calmed my soul to be around it. She noticed me in the back and motioned for me to join in the class. I changed quickly and joined them on the floor, flowing seamlessly into the routine they were doing.

I danced with a fire in me, letting the music take me. It was magic. When the music finally stopped, no one else was on the floor with me. They all stood off to the side with open mouths. I blushed. “Sorry.”

“Do not ever apologize for a gift like that, Becca.” Renatta smiled warmly. The other dancers murmured their agreement. Renatta put on another piece and ordered us all into our places to begin again.

After an hour of hard work, I was sweaty and better than when I had walked in.

“Becca? Do you have a moment?” Renatta called as I was heading to the door.

“Sure.” I walked back to her.

“Do you know what you’re doing for the summer yet?”

“I’m applying to a few programs in New York.”

“I do hope The Joffrey is one of those programs.”

“It is. I’ve already applied. I’m not sure when my audition will be.”

“As luck would have it, I have arranged for them to do an audition here in March. I’m also an instructor there during the summer. I’ve already told them about you. They are actually coming specifically to see you.”

Wow, that was huge news. I was in shock. “Really? Just to see me?”

“Yes, really. You have a rare gift and I think you were put in this school so I could help foster it, and to get you in front of the right people. I fully expect to see your name as Prima Ballerina in any ballet company you choose someday.” She hugged me, and I let her. It felt good to be appreciated and encouraged.

“Thank you, Renatta. I don't know what else to say. You have been amazing this year, letting me use the studio in the mornings, and for the audition.”

“Thank me when you’re a big star.” She patted my shoulder.

I walked back to my dorm to shower and change before my next class. I wasn’t really paying attention as I walked and ran into Levi again.
Thanks, universe, just what I needed. Another run in with Levi
. I tried to push past him, but he didn’t let me.

“I need to know that you’re okay,” he said.

“Why? So it makes you feel better about all of this? Well, I’m not. I haven’t been okay, and I probably won’t be okay for a while. Is that the answer you were looking for?” I looked away from him; it hurt to see the pity in his eyes. He had moved on, and I was left in the dust.

“Just because we’re not together doesn’t mean I don't care.”

“Please just stop.”

“Stop what?” he asked.

“All of it. How can I get over you when I have to see you every day? When you look at me with those sad eyes, it makes it hard for me to breathe.”

“Becca…” He pulled me to him before I could stop him. God, he smelled so damn good. I let him hug me for a moment, probably because I was a glutton for punishment.

“Stop! No more of this shit, Levi. Just let me be. You’ve moved on; it’s okay. Don't worry about me anymore.” I shoved him away from me.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think…”

“No, you didn’t. Just leave me alone from now on, all right? Can you give me that?” I didn’t stop the tears this time, just let them fall.

“Yeah, I can give you that.” He leaned forward and kissed my cheek.

I walked away from him for the second time in a day and it hurt just as much. Sadie was in our room when I came in. She looked up and the smile fell from her face. “What happened?”

“Levi, twice. I was sort of okay after the first time, and then I ran into him again.”

“What did he say?”

“He wanted to tell me he was sorry I had to see him with
her
and to see if I was okay. He said he needed me to be okay.”

She whistled. “Wow, what did you say?”

“I told him I wasn’t, but that he didn’t need to worry.”

“He needs to leave you alone,” she said.

“I told him that. He hugged me, and that almost ruined me completely.”

She looked pissed. “I have half a mind to go yell at him for that. How dare he? What, does he want to keep you pining for him while he’s out there with his new blonde?”

“Don’t say anything to him. I think I made my point with it. I told him he had to stop.”

“Don’t keep it all inside anymore, Becca. It’s not healthy. I’m always going to be here to listen if you need me.” She hugged me tight, and laid me on my bed so I could cry. I hoped to everything that it would start getting easier soon.