The Harder I Fall (25 page)

“I’m not a shopper, but I love spending time with you.” I squeezed her hand.

Levi and Chad were playing video games when we came back. “Hey.” Chad looked up briefly before returning to the game.

“No love for your sister? I laughed.

“I’ll hug you after the game.” He shooed me away.

We went to go help Ruth with dinner instead of watching the boys play. Samuel came home just as we were setting dinner on the table. “Becca!” He pulled me into a fierce hug. “So good to see you.”

“You, too. This is my roommate, Mel.”

Ruth went off to yell for the boys so we could all eat together. Mel was like one of the family, but I wasn't surprised by that. She had such an easy way about her.

I didn’t get a chance to talk to Chad alone until right before bedtime. “So, how are things?” I asked as I leaned against his door frame.

“I don’t know. Okay, I guess. Better than they were before.” He gave me a weak smile.

“Are you talking to anyone yet?” I knew he got what I meant.

“Yeah, Ruth got me seeing some guy a few days a week after school.”

“What do you think of him?”

“So far I like him. He doesn’t make me say anything I’m not ready to talk about.”

“I’m seeing someone, too,” I told him.

“You are? Why are you seeing someone?” He looked surprised.

“We had an unconventional childhood. I’m messed up from it. I’m sick of being messed up.”

He nodded. If anyone could understand, it would be him. “It will get better, right?” He looked hopeful.

“Yeah, it’ll get better. We just have to dig out all the crap we’ve been hauling around with us.”

He gave me the first genuine smile I had seen from him since before our mom died. “I love you, you know.”

“I do.” I kissed his cheek and left him to get ready for bed.

The next day, Mel was raring to go as soon as the sun came up. Our first stop was to pick meet up with Julian and Sadie. “Too early to be out,” Sadie grumbled as they piled into the limo with us.

“Um, yeah it is. Talk to Miss Excitement over there about that.” I jerked my thumb in Mel’s direction. She had her face pressed to the window, looking at everything. It was hard to stay mad when she looked so entranced.

“Where are we going first?” Julian asked.

“Helicopter tour!” Mel screamed. “This is the perfect time. The light will be beautiful. Ruth booked it for us yesterday.”

She was right; it was really something to see. The morning light filtered through all the buildings and people scurried around below. I held Levi’s hand and just enjoyed the moment.

The rest of the day was spent running from one thing to the next. Mel dragged us onto one of those double decker bus tours that took us all around the city. I was actually really happy to be on it, because we weren’t walking anymore and I could rest my poor feet.

Chad met up with us for lunch. We took Mel for pizza, because she said it wouldn’t be a trip to New York without pizza. I was surprised to see Chad walk up with a pretty girl with blonde hair and green eyes. She smiled nervously as they came towards us, and Chad put his arm around her.

“Hey.” He smiled. “Becca, this is my girlfriend, Macie.”

“It’s so nice to meet you,” she said. “Chad has told me so much about you.” She held her hand out to me.

“You as well. Anyone who can make Chad smile like that is welcome in my book.” Instead of shaking her hand, I pulled her into a hug. Chad grinned at me. I could tell he had been nervous about all of us meeting.

We spent the rest of the day sightseeing with them; they took us to all of their favorite places. It was seriously the most fun I’d had in a long time.

I
GOT TO THE STUDIO
an hour early. I was too excited about teaching my first classes. I was actually surprised at how big it was. They had four huge rooms, so multiple classes could be going on at once. I was used to Jane’s studio back home, which was just the one big room. Gwen and I were in her office, going over some specifics about the job.

“We like to have a few recitals a year. I normally leave it up to each teacher to decide what their class will perform. Occasionally we do a big group performance, but for the past few years, it’s just been the individual classes. I just have to say, I’ve been to see you dance twice, and you took my breath away. When Renatta told me you would be interested in teaching, I jumped at the chance to get you.”

“That is really sweet of you,” I said. “I truly love to dance, and I’m so excited to be teaching again. It’s been almost a year since I had a class. I taught a lot back home before I started college.”

“I didn’t want to heap too much on you. We can see how it goes for a few months, and if you want, you can add more classes.” I nodded, eager to please her, and dying to get into my room in the studio. “Okay, I’ll let you get settled in. You are in room two. Only one other instructor uses that room, and only once a week, so it will pretty much be yours.”

“Thanks so much.” I grabbed my bag and headed to room two. My first class would begin in thirty minutes, and it was the older group of students. I grabbed my pointe shoes out of my bag and decided to get a bit of practice in before they started showing up.

I turned on my music and warmed up at the barre for a few minutes before launching into the spring show routine. I felt the joy in the piece. The music was sunny and happy. The steps were all light and free. I was a leaf being blown by a soft breeze, a flower blooming. With each leap, I flew higher, each pirouette was smooth as silk.

When the music ended, I saw that I had an audience of parents and students in stunned silence. The erupted into applause and I took my bow. “Hello everyone. I’m Becca Langer, and I’m your new teacher.” I shook hands with all the parents and answered questions about how long I had been dancing, and what my plans were for the class.

The girls all looked at me with reverence as I instructed them to take their places at the barre. “Every class will start with twenty minutes at the barre, and then we will move onto our routines or whatever I decide we will be working on.”

True to my word, we spent twenty minutes in the warm-up. I walked the rows, making corrections where I saw fit.

“Okay, girls, why don’t you show me what you can do now? Who wants to go first?”

A few girls raised their hands, so I had everyone form a line. One by one, the girls went through and showed me exactly what they could do. There were one or two standouts, but everyone for sure had something to work on.

“You ladies are beautiful dancers, and I’m really excited to be able to work with you from now on. Do you have any questions for me?” I asked.

That did it; they opened the floodgates and peppered me with questions. How long had I been dancing, how many hours a day did I rehearse, how many shows had I done, etc.

By the time the last student left, I was tired, but I couldn’t stop smiling.

“Looks like it was a success.” Gwen stood in the doorway.

“Yeah, I think it was. The girls were wonderful. I’m looking forward to seeing them blossom.”

“I plan on using you as much as I can while you’re here.”

“Use away.” I grinned and gathered up my stuff.

Levi was waiting for me outside, leaning against his car. Sometimes I forgot how hot he was, all long and full of muscle.

“Hey baby.” I grinned at him.

“Hey. teach, how was your first class?”

“So good!” I tossed my bag and launched myself into his arms. “I feel amazing right now.”

He brushed his lips against mine and hugged me tight. “We should probably not make out in front of your new job, huh?”

“Oh, yeah.” I giggled. “You’re right. We can make out at home.”

He picked up my bag and opened the door for me. “Where to?”

“Food? Or whatever. I’m up for anything.”

Anything turned into dinner and a movie. It was some action flick I could barely remember as we didn't watch much of it. We whispered and kissed, his arm around me the whole time. It felt nice to just be with him.

When he dropped me at my door, I wanted to ask him in, but the sounds of girls laughing kept me from doing it. “It sounds like a party in there.” I could hear a trace of regret in his voice. He had thought of more as well.

“Yup. Another night.” I kissed him with enough fire behind it to be sure he dreamed of only me.

“You are not playing fair with that one.” He raked a hand through his hair.

“No fun in playing fair.” I kissed him again, wrapping myself around him.

“Damn it, Becca.” He tugged my head back and kissed his way up my neck before biting at my lower lip.

“Is Julian home tonight?” I panted. Another night was not going to work for me, either.

“Yeah, he and a bunch of guys were in for the night, studying.” He huffed out a breath but didn't release his hold on my waist.

“I really should go, before this gets worse for both of us.” My lips rubbed against his.

“So go. No one’s stopping you.” He kissed along the hollow of my throat.

“I’m going.” I tugged his mouth back up to mine.

“I don’t see you moving.” He tightened his hold on my waist.

“I think I’m happy where I am,” I sighed.

He rested his forehead against mine. “Okay, I’m really going to go now.” He gave me one last kiss and let me go.

“I’ll see you tomorrow. Dream of me.” I blew him a kiss and opened the door.

“When do I not?” He waved and walked away, shaking his head.

“Was that Levi I heard with you?” Sadie asked.

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t he come in?”

I gestured to the four other girls lounging on the couch with popcorn and candy. “Little too much estrogen, I think.”

She laughed. “Probably so. Want to join us for the last movie? We rented
Magic Mike
.” I gave her a look that clearly said I had no clue why I should care about it. “Really, Becca? It’s that one about the male strippers. Lots of hotties in it.”

I felt my cheeks flush. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, it would seem.

“Go on, change into your comfy clothes and come out.” She gave me a shove toward our door.

I came out just as the opening credits started, and all the girls started laughing and shouting as the hot guys danced around on screen. I don’t think my cheeks have ever been so red as they were for the rest of the night.

“
W
HAT MAKES YOU HAPPY,
B
ECCA?”
Charlene, my therapist, asked me.

“Ballet.”

“What do you think it is about it that you love?”

“I don’t know that there is any one answer to that.”

“Then tell me why you started dancing to begin with.”

“To forget. To feel free for once. There was no judgment in dancing for me. It was the one place I felt safe. Sure, the other girls were sometimes mean, but the dancing never was. And I was good at it. From the start, I was good. I had never experienced anything like that; getting praised was new to me.”

“How do you feel when you dance?”

“Amazing. Like nothing ever could touch me. I feel free.”

“Why do you think ‘free’ is the word you chose?” she asked.

“Because I’m fully open when I dance. I don’t leave any part of me closed off. I’m free because I don't think about anything but the movements. Even the pain is sometimes welcome, or it was, when I was at my worst. The pain of dancing for hours and hours a day; it let me know I was still alive.”

She nodded and wrote in her notebook. “Do you still feel that way? That only pain can make you feel alive?”

“No, not at all. This year has changed me so much. It’s like I was always watching life through a window, and someone finally opened it up and let me come inside. Levi and Sadie, they pulled me out. I wasn’t willing to let go of everything, and I certainly didn’t want to let anyone in, to let anyone know about my past. They both showed me love. Unconditionally, they loved me.”

“So, you’ve found a new kind of family then?”

“I think you could say that, although I never thought that until now. But yeah. Sadie, Levi, Julian… they all are like my family now.”

“Do you still feel the same when you dance?

“Yes, but not for the same reasons anymore. I just love it. I know it was what I'm meant to do.”

“So now you dance for pleasure as much as to hone your craft?”

“Yeah. I know I’ll never stop practicing, wanting to get better. My dreams keep getting bigger. I won’t stop until I reach them.”

“You sound very driven,” she observed.

“I am. When I first left home, it was hard, because I knew I was leaving Chad behind. But I knew I needed to make a better life for him, for us. I needed to get us out of there.”

“That’s an admirable goal. But now, you know Chad is taken care of. Now you can decide what it is that Becca really wants.”

“I know what I want. It’s the same thing I always wanted. To dance with a big ballet company. Now, I won't have to feel guilty about wanting it, though. Before, I knew the dream was just that, a dream. I would have to get a good degree in something and support us. But now, now the sky's the limit.”