The Harder I Fall (26 page)

“I’m impressed with your optimism. Given your past, it’s wonderful. Have you thought of what you would do after your career is over?”

“I’ll teach, open my own studio, and help the new crop of talent reach their dreams.”

She switched topics next, catching me off balance. “Have you spoken to your father since everything happened?”

“What? No, I haven’t, and I never plan to.”

“I just wondered, since your mom obviously still loved him very much, if you had gone with her to visit him.”

“Oh, we went, but I never spoke to him. I waited for her in the car, or I sat against the wall. I hate him too much. I just hate him. There is no redeeming what he did. I’ll never forgive him.”

“If you could say one thing to him, what would it be?” She set her pen down and looked me in the eye.

I sat for a moment, thinking. There were so many things I would say to him. “I hate you for what you did.”

“Do you feel better for saying it?”

“No. I really don’t,” I admitted.

“Did you think you would?” She picked her pen up again and made notes.

“I don’t know. It’s what I’ve thought all this time. I do. I hate him. I hate what they did to us. Parents are supposed to love their children, not hurt them. How could they do that? How could he? Why did she blame me for what he did?” Tears fell faster than I could wipe them away.

“It’s okay to hate him. You were put in a situation that never should have taken place. Parents are supposed to take care of their children, not hurt and neglect them. It’s a valid thing for you to have bad feelings toward them. You may eventually get to a place in your healing journey where you can let go of all of the pain and get past it, but I don't think that time is now. And I don’t fault you for being bitter. I want for you to start acting more your age, though. That is the area we should work on for a week or so. I want you to not worry about paying bills, or Chad, or anything more pressing than your classes. Go out, do fun things, just be young. Can you do that?” she asked.

“I can try. I’m a worrier by nature.”

“That’s all I can ask for. Okay, our time is up for today. Think about what I said before our next session.”

I left the office feeling raw; she had dug at things I wanted to keep buried. But I knew it would be good in the long run. I hated talking about my dad, hated remembering what he was like.

I had time to kill before my six-year-old class started, so I stopped by the dance shop Ruth had gotten me the gift card to. The small store was filled with leotards and tights in every color imaginable, and there was a wall with ballet shoes, as well as tap and jazz shoes. I grabbed a new black leotard and some pink tights, and took them up to register. I bought them because I wanted them. I had never purchased something not out of necessity. I felt a giddy sort of thrill as I pulled out my debit card and handed it to the woman.

I was going to try my hardest to not worry and to just be my own age. Charlene was right; I wasn't Chad’s mom. He was in a good home, being taken care of. That knowledge wasn't going to just erase a lifetime of learned behavior, though. Chad had needed a mom, so that’s what I became.

As I walked to the studio, I tried to think of ways I could let go of my worry. It wasn’t like I wanted to keep living the way I had been for so long; it was just hard to stop.

Teaching was probably the most fun I had had in a long time. The younger students were so adorable in their little tutus with their ballet slippers on. I started to work with them on positions for the first half, and then I paired them off and had them do leaps across the floor.

“Miss Becca?” A little blonde girl tugged at my hand.

“Yes, honey?” I knelt down.

“Will you dance for us? My sissy said she saw you dance, and that you were like a fairy princess.” She smiled shyly.

“Of course I will.” I smiled and gathered the girls to one side of the room.

I put on some music and just danced for fun, no routine in mind, letting the music take me where it would. The little girls oohed and aaahed as I twirled on my toes, and I leapt across the room. They were enraptured, their little eyes glued to my every move.

Toward the end of the song, I had them join me on the floor and we all danced together. After class, I waited around for all of the parents to come, and chatted with Gwen. “The little ones are cute in their ballet slippers, aren’t they?” she asked.

“Totally adorable. I can tell I’m going to have a lot of fun working with them.”

“Do you know how long you’ll be in New York this summer?”

“The whole time. My boyfriend’s family is wanting me to spend the rest of my time there.”

“Did Renatta tell you I went to a few session of the Summer Intensive program at the Joffrey?” she asked.

I cocked my head and smiled. “No, she didn't tell me that.”

“It’s where we met, so many years ago. That’s what you’ll find, girls who will be friends for life.” She sighed wistfully. “To be young again.” Levi knocked on the glass door and waved. “Looks like your hunky ride is here.”

I blushed.

“People don’t really say hunky anymore, do they?” She laughed.

“No, not really.”

“Must be a generational thing then. You go on and enjoy your night. I’ll see you next week at your show.”

I waved and walked out to meet Levi. I couldn’t believe that it was already May. I had the last show of the year, and then, another few weeks after that, it would be summer. Life had changed so much in a year.

“How was your session, and class?” He grabbed my bag and slung an arm around my shoulders.

“The session was hard. She opened a wound I would have preferred to stay closed.”

“Are you okay?”

“I am. I knew she was going to go there sooner or later.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” He looked concerned.

“I don’t know. She made some valid points. She told me I need to start acting more my age. My homework is to do more fun things, and to worry less.”

“I think those are great suggestions. And I’ll help you with that by making you do said fun things.” He dropped a kiss on my forehead.

“It’s not the doing fun things; it’s the not worrying about the future. I’m a worrier from way back, so breaking the habit is going to take some time.”

“But you agree that she’s right, don’t you?” he asked.

“Of course I do. I want to be normal; I want to just have fun. I’m a work in progress.”

“I love you however you are. Broken, fixed, empty, whole. I love you, all of you.” He dropped the bag and took me in his arms. The kiss took me by surprise, and the heat behind it stole my breath.

S
CHOOL WAS WINDING DOWN.
I
had finals to study for, papers due, and rehearsals up the wazoo. Not to mention fitting in my therapy twice a week, and the ballet classes. I was back to being busy beyond all belief.

Sadie and I were studying in the library. “Do not let me stay longer than twenty more minutes,” I said. “I should be on the road now, but I have to finish this.” I shoved a pen in my bun and bent back over the keyboard. She made a noise to say she had heard me but never looked up. Twenty minutes turned into thirty-five before I was running out to the car.

Levi was behind the wheel with a magazine in front of him. “I was about to come looking for you.”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry. I’m freaking out right now. I don't have the time to be going to therapy or to teach. Why did I agree to all of this?”

“Whoa, calm down. You do have time. You planned it all out, remember? After therapy and teaching, we are studying until bedtime.”

I tried to steady my breathing and stop the panic attack that was threatening to unleash itself. Sometimes it felt like the world was spinning faster and faster, and I would never be able to keep up.

Charlene remarked on my stress level when I got into the session. “What’s got you so worked up?”

“Life. I feel like I have taken on too much, that I’ll never finish everything in time.”

“What has changed since our last session?”

“Nothing really, except we have finals coming up, and I have some papers due.”

“This is normal. College is hard. You’ve learned to juggle your responsibilities, and now you need to learn how to let go of the fear of failing. What’s the worst that would happen if something didn’t get done to your standards?” she asked.

“I’ve never done something that didn’t meet my standards.”

“Never?”

“Not once.”

“So, you’ve probably allotted enough time for everything, right?”

“I have.”

“Then why are you stressing out? There’s nothing you can accomplish by making yourself get upset over this, am I right?” She was right; of course she was. Sometimes it was hard for me to think rationally. “Stress is a trigger for you. It makes you feel out of control, wouldn’t you agree?”

I nodded. She had hit the nail on the head. Stress made me panic, and then lose sight of everything else.

“How do you think you can combat that?” she asked.

“I don't know.”

“What I would like you to start doing when you feel out of control, and that everything is falling apart, is just to focus on one task at a time. You get overwhelmed when you try and do everything at once.”

“I can try,” I said.

“That’s all I'm asking for. I want to see you taking the steps toward being an emotionally healthy adult. You’ve already come so far.”

“I just get scared sometimes, that everything will disappear.”

“When you say everything, what do you mean?”

“School, my dreams, Levi. If I don’t work hard enough, I’ll fail.”

“Fear of failure is normal in all of us, but the thing you have to be careful of is letting that fear cripple you.”

“It’s hard for me to loosen my grip. I don’t know how to. I want to be different. Everything in me is screaming for change, but I’m so scared to let go.”

“That’s part of life, Becca. Sometimes we have to let go and just let ourselves fall. I’m not saying that you should stop studying, or ballet. But you need to find a balance. You need to be happy, and above everything else, you need to feel secure and healthy.”

On the walk from Charlene’s office to the ballet studio for my last class until the fall, I couldn’t stop thinking about what she had said. Could I do it? Could I let go? Fear was a powerful thing; it had propelled me through my life up until now. First, I was afraid of my father, then came the hunger, and the need for security. The fear had given birth to my dreams, for a better life for Chad and me. He already had a better life, but was I willing to let myself have one as well?

The girls were lined up outside the door when I got to my room. Giggles and soft voices were music to my ears. If I could always feel the way I felt when I was dancing or teaching, my life would be perfect.

I led them through their warm-up at the barre, walking along the rows, praising the improvement I was seeing, and making corrections when needed. I stood against the wall as they took their places on the floor to begin work on the routine they were learning. The music was light and airy, and the steps reflected it. They twirled in pairs across the floor, hands held high.

“Beautiful, you ladies are doing a marvelous job.” I could almost feel the glow from my praise. Their little faces lit up like fireworks on the Fourth of July.

“Our first recital will not be until late September, so I need you all to promise me that you’ll work hard over the summer. I’ve spoken with Miss Gwen, and she has assured me you will have full use of my room here in the studio to practice.”

“What if we have questions?” one of the girls asked.

“You can call me, any time. I’m going to be learning some amazing things this summer at the Summer Intensive, and I promise to send you all videos so you can watch.”

After a round or two of hugs, I finally ushered them all out to their waiting parents. I handed out cards with my cell phone number and dorm room address for the summer. Maybe it was my own insecurities rearing their ugly head, but I didn’t want them to feel abandoned. I had gotten close to all of them in the short amount of time we had spent together.

Levi was waiting for me in his car, a book propped open against the steering wheel, and a notebook next to him. He looked up when I opened the door. “Hey, beautiful.”

“Hey yourself.” I threw my bag in the back and settled into the passenger seat.

“How was everything?” he asked. I knew he wanted to hear about my session.

“It was good. Class was a little sad at the end. Saying goodbye is always hard.”

He nodded. “It’s only for a few months, though.”

“I know. I just love them all already.”

He reached a hand out and caressed my cheek. “That’s one of the reasons I love you so much. Your capacity to love. It’s astounding that you are so free with everything you have been through.”

“Am I, though? Am I free?” I asked.

“Yes, I see it all the time. With the girls in your class, your patience with them. With Chad, you would give up anything for him, and you did.”