The Headspace Guide To … A Mindful Pregnancy (13 page)

It is at this time that you might put the car keys away in the freezer or walk into a room and forget why. Combine that with finding it increasingly difficult to sleep, plus yet another round of hormonal changes, and you have the perfect ingredients for many a senior moment. Don’t worry though, this isn’t your mind becoming
less
mindful or
more
scattered – it is simply the result of the brain activity decreasing as ‘more power’ is needed for the baby. You won’t feel as sharp. The memory will feel dulled. As Headspace’s resident neuroscientist, Dr Claudia Aguirre, explains: ‘There is no need for alarm, “pregnancy brain” is extremely common.’ She points to a preliminary study – presented at the Society for Endocrinology BES annual conference in Manchester in 2010 – which found that the spatial memory of pregnant women (the part responsible for remembering the position and location of things) was reduced during the later stages of pregnancy, and that this effect could persist for at least three months following birth.

‘During their second and third trimesters, the pregnant women performed significantly worse than the non-pregnant women,’ Dr Aguirre says, adding to her reassurance that all this is perfectly normal. ‘This, along with other emerging research, suggests that high levels of sex hormones circulating in the body could have a negative impact on the neurons in the part of the brain responsible for spatial memory.’

So there you have it: the second trimester may well lead to an increase in libido, but the price you pay is in forgetting where you parked the car.

With all this going on, it’s difficult to see women being so hard on themselves for being ‘so stupid’, but I hope Dr Aguirre’s words help foster a better understanding that it is not something ‘you are doing’ – it is just part of a natural cycle. Be gentle with yourself in these moments. Remember that when you fire up the stress hormones to rage against your own mind, you do the same to the baby. As much as possible, be kind to your mind, and more forgiving of these moments, if not for you, then for your child.

Farewell goddess – the honeymoon is over. Just when you thought you were getting the hang of this pregnancy malarkey, along comes the third trimester with a reminder of how trying it can be. For some of you, the pregnancy will continue on a mostly positive trajectory, but for many, the endorphin high and radiant glow will begin to feel like a distant memory, to the point that you may well forget what you even looked like pre-pregnancy. As energy levels begin to drop once again and the weight increases,
everything
seems to swell, from the belly to the ankles to the face. The libido is likely to go out of the window, being replaced by back pain, difficulty in sleeping and a return to general fatigue. Nature is reminding you once again that something big is about to happen.

The good news is that you’re on the home straight and parenthood is just around the corner. Admittedly, it might not feel like that physically, but the mind certainly senses it, heightening the anticipation of labour and delivery. The challenge at this stage is not to get lost in that future-thinking mind or to wish this precious time away.

As you approach the due date, the fears and worries may well intensify.
How painful is this going to be? Will the baby be healthy? What if I need to have a C-section?
For some of you, there may well be a temptation to leap even further beyond the delivery room and, before you know it, you’re thinking about nurseries and schools. Let go of those things for the time being; there is plenty to focus on in the here and now.

As Dr Amersi advises: ‘Adapt to your body’s changes and find the time to relax. It is important to spend time each day being mindful of the baby’s movements, which assures us that he or she is doing well, and to continue to provide them with cues of safety and calmness as they prepare to enter the world.’

The baby is now fast growing bigger and heavier, which means he or she is pressing against your bladder and stomach wall, so you’ll doubtless feel the constant need to pee, together with the discomfort of heartburn; not to mention every jab and poke that the little one is providing from the inside. By this stage, many women have had enough of being pregnant. And what with anything from back pain and pelvic discomfort to swollen ankles and crying at the drop of a hat, it’s really no surprise. In fact, the third trimester can start to resemble the last lap of a particularly gruelling marathon. You don’t know how much more you can take, but you know you need to keep going, as all the while, people are clapping and cheering with great beaming smiles on their faces, saying things like, ‘Not long to go now, eh?’ Grinning through gritted teeth, you reply, ‘Yes’, as your bladder takes yet another low blow from the little one.

One mother of two summed up the extraordinary mixture of imminent joy and absolute misery to me, saying:

Pregnancy has started to feel like an eternal state. You’re just desperate to give birth already! All you can think about is needing the loo at every hour of the day. You’re starving, but it’s hard to eat because of the fire burning in the oesophagus. And don’t even talk about getting comfortable in bed. Yet despite all that, the excitement builds – it’s like being a kid at Christmas. You’ve got this present that you can’t open yet, but you know it will be the best thing ever when you do!

Fear plays a big role in pregnancy. Primarily, it is a fear of the unknown but, for a lot of couples, it can be the fear of history repeating itself, whether that echo stems from a miscarriage they have experienced before, or from the story of a relative or friend.

Unfortunately, up to 25 per cent of all pregnancies will result in miscarriage during the first twelve weeks, though the much more encouraging news is that once a heartbeat is heard on the ultrasound, the risk of miscarriage decreases to about 5 per cent, says Dr Amersi.

Firstly, it is important to acknowledge that such fears need to be heard and understood: a delicate human life is at stake and it’s scary – bloody scary – especially if you are re-entering a journey where there has been loss before. Secondly, it is important that you know how normal and common these fears and concerns are – millions of other women share them, and may even have suffered the same loss in the past. Once pregnant, and once you have glimpsed something so precious, you cannot help but want to hold on to it. And yet ironically it is this very clinging which is at the root of our anxiety – the fear of loss.

The questions that need to be asked are: ‘How do I keep those fears in check, to stop them from overwhelming me?’ and ‘How do I use the fear to be more present in my life, knowing the negative effects that stress can have on the baby?’

The only way to be freed from any attachment is to let go and meet each moment as it arises, giving yourself permission to feel hope or fear, but not allowing the mind to run away with itself. Yes, it is scary to let go, but can it really be any more frightening than the thought of losing your baby? Be present, embrace what is happening now, not what may possibly, perhaps, happen in the future. Is the baby healthy, with a beating heart, in this moment? Yes? Well, right now, that’s all we know. That’s all we need to know. Anything else is fear-based speculation and self-torture. Much better to let go of this kind of thinking and instead be at ease with
this.

Obviously, for some couples, the next moment can bring terrible pain in the event that a miscarriage does happen. I’ve seen multiple friends go through this tragedy and they were understandably devastated. And yes, the later in the pregnancy the miscarriage has occurred, the more painful it can be. Only if we are in that situation can any of us truly know how it feels to lose a child. The feeling of loss is equal to our sense of connection. Nobody else can know that pain, whether it’s in the first few weeks or at full term.

The loss of a child – in utero or at birth – is surely one of the toughest tests the human condition provides. I am not suggesting for one moment that mindfulness will somehow ‘fix’ things and make all the heartache and pain disappear. It won’t. But just for a moment, if you are able, take a step back with me. What has happened is heartbreaking and, yes, you would do anything to change it if possible. Many thoughts, wishing things were different, will keep arising and yet you know there is nothing to be done. However, there is a choice to be made, as hard as it may be to believe right now: to either observe those thoughts from a distance, or to get lost in them.

The reality is hard enough as it is. Are you then going to add further layers of heartache by replaying the same storylines, the same wishes, the same feelings of regret or guilt, or whatever else may be coming up? I am not suggesting that you should try and ‘stop’ these thoughts, or somehow suppress the feelings. That is not the way of mindfulness. It’s more a case of stepping back and gently observing the mind. Of course, you will get sucked back into those thoughts at times, such is the nature of the mind. But with time and with practice, you can learn to understand where the mind goes in grief, and learn to let go.

Many parents say that letting go can feel like a betrayal of the child they have lost. But the alternative is to be trapped in a self-created cage for the rest of time, a prisoner to the same thoughts and feelings over and over again, without any hope of release; whereas a mindful approach at the very least offers the space to grieve, and the time to heal.

In harrowing circumstances, if you can find the strength to see the bigger picture, who is to say that in the next six months you won’t fall pregnant again and give birth to a happy, healthy baby? We all know couples who have been through a miscarriage – sometimes more than one – and yet look at them now, with a healthy, happy family. I met someone the other day who had had
five
miscarriages before giving birth to a healthy baby. Having one miscarriage does not need to be the end of the journey. Indeed, when I have asked those same friends if they would have changed anything about their fate, they said no, because they are so happy with the outcome that followed.

When we let go of ‘what could have been’ we create space for new opportunities. We are both the creators and the created, and all we can do is set out on the path with wholehearted intention, to live in a way that reflects that motivation and to travel the journey with humility, grace and compassion. With this in mind, there is an exercise that I’ve included in the meditation section, and I hope it proves helpful (see
here
–
here
).

As a final thought, many parents often blame themselves following a miscarriage. They think back to the thing they did or didn’t do, or things that they could have done differently. Women especially tend to report feelings of failure, self-loathing or guilt. But such feelings are misplaced. As Dr Amersi says:

The majority of miscarriages are caused by random chromosome abnormalities or structural defects that prevent normal development, and have nothing to do with what you have done; neither do they affect your ability to have children when you and your body are ready to try again.

This is nature. We do not control nature; we are part of it. If we can be at ease with this truth, there is no knowing how life will unfold.

Most people assume that depression only knocks on the door
after
the baby is born. But around 20 per cent of women will experience it during pregnancy itself, most commonly during the first or the third trimester. Rarely does this evolve to chronic, clinical depression, but it is none the less worthy of note. It’s important to say that sometimes this can be due to genetic reasons or psychological trauma, but sometimes, just sometimes, it is almost as though we do it to ourselves.

What do I mean by that? Well, let’s say you get into a rut about feeling fat, or fed up because you can no longer do what you once could; or perhaps the mere idea of parenthood becomes too much. From a mindfulness perspective, all that has occurred – and all we can say with absolute certainty – is that a thought has arisen in the mind. This thought may have arisen without you even being aware of it at first and, over time, that one thought has developed into an elaborate story, like links in a chain joining together. It now feels as though that chain holds you prisoner. Alternatively, you may have seen the thought, be predisposed to depressive episodes and just jumped right in, swept away in the current of sadness. The other alternative is that you saw the thought, felt you would be letting the team down by even entertaining it in the midst of such a joy, and started to get depressed about the possibility of becoming depressed. Such is the condition of the mind, and you are by no means alone.

The mindful approach is to see that thought clearly – at any time. Of course, much better if you see it early on before the ‘story’ has become fixed, but please know that you can let go of that story any time. Although it’s not always easy to see what comes first – the thought or the feeling – it usually goes something like this: a thought (or series of thoughts) begins to churn; a feeling of sadness begins to emerge; the mind, recognising the feeling as sadness and identifying with it, begins to reinforce that emotion by feeling depressed at the situation; in turn, the body reflects this heightened sense of sadness and obliges by cranking up all the physiological markers of depression; and so the cycle continues. It is a dark, lonely and scary place to be. Needless to say, you should absolutely speak to your health professional if you are ever worried about this during pregnancy.

The interesting thing, from a mindful-pregnancy perspective, is that there is another option that we have yet to consider or apply.

So, the mind usually
ignores
,
engages
or
resists
different thoughts or emotions – all of these either lead to an enhanced storyline or some kind of suppression. But we can step out of that loop. As soon as we see that thoughts are ‘just thoughts’ – not something real, solid, permanent or part of who we are – we let go, even if just for a few seconds at first. We see it and, in that moment of realisation, we rediscover the present moment, free from suffering. If we then choose to turn our attention to something specific, rather than simply allowing the mind to chase off again, then we are training the mind to be present in the next moment too … and the next … and the next.