The Headspace Guide To … A Mindful Pregnancy (5 page)

‘Let’s look at your original emotion: sadness,’ he said. ‘How does it make you feel?’

‘It makes me feel sad.’

‘No, this is your
idea
of how it makes you feel – how you
think
it makes you feel.’

‘No,’ I countered. ‘It actually makes me feel sad.’

‘OK,’ he replied. ‘So where is it?’

‘Where’s what?’

‘Where’s the sadness? In your mind or in your body?’

That made me stop and think. And then he told me to go away and ‘find’ this feeling of sadness before we talked about it some more. He might as well have asked me to go and find the pill that had already dissolved in a glass of water but, like a diligent student, I went away and tried to do what he asked.

Days passed and, you guessed it, I couldn’t locate the thought behind the feeling. Each time I meditated and focused on the whereabouts of my sadness, it evaded me.

‘Exactly,’ said my teacher, smiling. ‘I’m not saying that these feelings do or do not exist, but you’ve found for yourself that when you study the emotion closely, it’s actually very hard to find. This is something to remember when you find yourself reacting strongly to an emotion.’

Even on an intellectual level, if we sit for just a couple of minutes and ask, ‘Where is the
thought
?’ there is no locating it. ‘Is it in my brain?’ ‘In my chest?’ ‘In this physical mass I call my body?’ And this then leads to an interesting question: if we cannot find the thought, does it exist? It’s a mind-bender for sure, but the benefits are to be found in the process of enquiry, rather than in trying to establish a definitive answer.

The wise lesson from my teacher taught me that emotions are not the problem. It’s the way we react to them that causes our suffering.

Thoughts are soluble, transitory, impermanent. It is only when we jump all over them – pushing, pulling, urging, resisting – that we create
the feeling
of something longer-lasting, something more permanent. Whatever false authority we bestow upon them, they have no shape, no colour, no place to reside. This awareness, in and of itself, loosens the credibility we give to thought; and once that happens, we tend to veer away from becoming overly attached to the emotions that arise. Instead, we allow them to wash over us, perfectly at ease, no matter whether we consider them to be good or bad, happy or sad, comfortable or uncomfortable. This is a mind that is free and content.

Life can be a flash pan. Stuff happens. And we react to it, even though we know we shouldn’t; even though we just read something in a book that encouraged us to respond differently. If we are feeling a little all over the place, the process from thought to emotion to overreaction can happen so quickly that there doesn’t even seem to be room to build in the time to respond, rather than react. But this is precisely the reason to explore mindfulness: to slow things down; to be more mindful and skilful with a new sense of perspective, so that we are
not
led by thoughts and emotions. With practice, we prevent the chain reaction and discover we have a choice: to fuel the thought or let it go. Once we accept that a difficult thought will peter out if left alone,
the idea
of it becomes less powerful, less intense.

After arriving at a Tibetan monastery, one of the first things we were asked to do, before learning any kind of fancy meditation techniques, was to reflect on four things – the foundations of meditation that truly underpin everything:
precious human life, impermanence, cause and effect
and
suffering
. If we can understand them, not as a concept but as a direct experience, we will have transformed our perspective of life entirely. And never are they more relevant than during pregnancy.

As a monk, my preliminary teachings involved sitting with each topic for one month at a time, contemplating its meaning. It quickly became clear that these foundations are self-evident truths that stand alone as indisputable facts: life is both precious and delicate, everything is always changing, even the smallest action leads to a result and we will inevitably have to accept unpleasant situations at some point or other. If we look at pregnancy through the lens of those four principles – so that we appreciate the preciousness of human life; rest in the uncertainty of change; accept the consequences of our actions; and embrace the struggles we will face – these teachings will cover every eventuality. No exceptions.

That is why, as you continue to read the chapters that follow, I will reference different principles at different times. With practice, by reflecting on each one, they will not only help rewire your thinking, but also allow you to let go of those thoughts and feelings which cause you harm. As you move forward, from pregnancy into parenthood, keep these four foundations close at hand for guidance and reminders, applying their truth to whatever situation you face.

It seems apt that a book on pregnancy should consider the preciousness of human life, bringing into sharp focus the meaning of this foundation, whether the baby is still safely inside the womb, or being cradled in our arms. It is a miraculous, extraordinary, mind-bending experience to watch as a child enters the world. And then, in the weeks that follow, as the baby lies on the bed on his or her back – say, for a nappy change or to doze with Mum or Dad – we realise that if we left them there, face up, staring at the ceiling, with arms and legs wriggling, they wouldn’t be able to roll on to their stomach without us; they wouldn’t feed or drink for themselves; they wouldn’t be able to help themselves. Defenceless, helpless, oh so delicate, and utterly dependent on us, the preciousness of human life is evident. But this foundation invites us to use such awareness to encompass
all human life
.

Very often, we can get too absorbed in our own thoughts, without any real sense of perspective, not only in regard to what it means to be alive but in the fact that we (hopefully) have shelter, food, clean water, human rights, prospects – many things that others do not. We forget how fortunate we are. By seriously reflecting on the preciousness of everything – in not taking anything for granted – we bring an acute attention to life. We see its fabric, its detail, its uncertainty … and our vulnerability within the whole picture. This may sound trite, yet the impact on our lives of these basic requirements can fundamentally change the way we feel.

So as we look down at ‘the bump’, or perhaps at our newborn, it’s difficult not to wonder at the process of pregnancy. In contemplating this co-created miracle, we come to understand that life is simply too short, too precious, to be caught up in endless rounds of negative thinking or bickering with those we love. Some will say that bringing greater awareness to our own mortality is a morbid affair. This is to misunderstand the principle entirely. If we were to simply ‘think’ about it all the time, then maybe so, but if we reflect deeply on it, allowing troublesome thoughts to come and go, then this awareness sets us free. No longer do we take life for granted, getting caught up in our inner monologue; instead we are present, right here, right now, living with a genuine sense of appreciation and gratefulness.

Everything changes. This is an indisputable fact. Yet so often, we live our lives resisting this simple truth and, in so doing, we cause ourselves a huge amount of stress and heartache. The foundation of impermanence asks us to accept that change is inevitable and that nothing and no one ever stays the same, be it the things outside of us – such as circumstances, family, job, relationship – or the things within us, such as our emotional and physiological state.

Pregnancy is probably one of the great expressions of impermanence because the baby is growing and the mother’s body is constantly changing. Not one day of the entire nine months will be or feel the same. Like life itself, the change is ongoing.

Let’s say that you are currently in the first trimester, experiencing morning sickness and deep anxiety, and you’re thinking,
Oh no, is this going to last for nine months?
Or maybe your baby has just been born, is crying through the night and you’re experiencing the misery of sleep-deprived purgatory. In understanding impermanence, you understand that this situation will not go on for ever. Just like a period of bad weather – and we all accept that the weather never stays the same – so it is with emotions. When life resembles a British summer – when it’s raining endlessly for days without an end in sight – accept the inevitability that the sun
will
shine again, even if you don’t know precisely when. Knowing this allows you to loosen your grip on the difficult times.

Again, this is not just a nice idea, this is an incontrovertible truth. As scary as it may sound to embrace this vulnerability, this uncertainty, it allows us to put down the baggage of all things past, to let go of the unnecessary worries of all things future and, instead, to live with freedom in the present moment.

Once we start to live more freely and easily, we understand that every little thing we do has a consequence. Many of us know this infallible law of cause and effect conceptually but not experientially, otherwise we might live very differently. Think about it – how many times have you ended up doing the same thing with the same regret, or thinking in the same way, resulting in the same frustration? The truth about cause and effect is that every action we take, and every thought we think, creates its own ripple effect. Furthermore, what we do and what we think can perpetuate any experience, be it pleasant or unpleasant.

If, as a new mother, you are stressed out, each negative thought will fuel the stress and create a downward spiral. If you’re the partner and feel upset or irritated, each scream and shout will only exacerbate the tension. When we get caught up in the moment, we tend not to have the awareness to see the effect of an emotion on repeat.

Certainly, when pregnant, it pays to slow down, pause and be mindful of how you react; it is mindful to ask yourself if you would say/act in such a way if the baby was not inside the womb, but in your arms.

At some stage throughout the nine months, you are bound to feel stress and tension, which may well lead to an argument with your significant other. In situations such as this, Chapter 5 (‘Calm mind, Calm baby’) will also be helpful. A couple’s upset – whether expressed or suppressed – can be a tumultuous, anxiety-causing experience for the baby on the inside. Of course, knowing it and changing it are two very different things, but you can learn to create a more harmonious environment by following the exercises at the back of the book or those at Headspace. Rest assured that habitual responses, especially the ones that don’t best serve us, can be changed. Cause and effect hinges on the choices we make in the moment, and can make the world of difference to the overall tenor of how we lead our lives.

It’s not a nice word and it’s probably not something we want to identify or associate with, but no matter what our circumstances are, we will all, at some point, experience suffering, dissatisfaction, frustration, heartbreak, sickness and grief. This doesn’t mean we are doing something wrong, that life is unfair or even that we need to change our circumstances – it is simply part of the human condition. Stress, insecurity, anxiety and depression do not honour status, and affect everyone, regardless of who they are.

Three things tend to lead to the kind of suffering we cause ourselves (our anguish, worries, anxiety, sadness, etc.).
Ignorance
: we suffer when we don’t see things as they really are, whether that’s due to misunderstanding or a lack of clarity because the mind is so busy.
Attachment
: we suffer when we chase something, convinced that our happiness is dependent on the outcome.
Resistance
: we suffer when we try to control that which cannot be controlled, refusing to accept the truth as it is.

‘Suffering’ might seem like a strong word to use, but it need not refer only to the big things in life. It’s also about the countless tiny things we resist, such as struggling to get out of bed in the morning, when we’re exhausted and it’s freezing cold; or knowing we’ve a project to do, but choosing to procrastinate instead. It can be anything and everything that leads to inner tension or a sense of dissatisfaction. But this fourth and final foundation gently points out that we can find a sense of ease and contentment when we embrace the fact that suffering is unavoidable.

This can sound depressing, but it’s actually quite the opposite. In knowing that life is sometimes stressful, we stop constantly trying to escape the pressure, and reduce our levels of stress. Only when we let go of resistance, do we discover acceptance. By sitting with our discomfort, we learn what it means to be human, and we begin to understand how and why we all behave the way we do. People often ask me why meditation doesn’t focus more on the happier truths of life, like joy, for instance. Well, sure, there’s some of that along the way but more often than not, people only seek help, advice and guidance when life gets difficult, so this is why meditation tends to focus on these things.

This foundation’s truth may be felt many times during pregnancy and especially during early parenthood. Anyone who tells you that the first few months of being a parent are easy is, in my opinion, sugar-coating the reality. OK, so some of you may be shaking your heads and saying ‘Not us – it was smooth sailing, easy, we loved every single minute of it’, but I’d venture a guess that such experiences are few and far between. Yes, the rewards are infinite and the sense of unconditional love is everlasting, but it is a difficult time, none the less. I’ve heard so many say that becoming a parent is, on so many levels, one of the hardest things they’ve ever done, emotionally, mentally and, for the woman, physically too. Difficult emotions and circumstances during pregnancy can seem unfair and feel so unpleasant. And yet, assuming we are unable to change things in that moment, our resistance towards them only exacerbates the situation. We get worried about feeling anxious, frustrated about feeling angry, depressed about feeling sad, stressed about feeling stressed! The situation is hard enough as it is, without adding further layers of difficulty.