The Headspace Guide To … A Mindful Pregnancy (2 page)

I appreciate that some women may well breeze through the nine months of pregnancy. But based on stories from friends, family, doctors, midwives, plus the feedback I’ve received in researching this book, motherhood does not come so easily for most women. It’s hard. Really hard. That’s not to take anything away from the wonder of the experience, the sense of awe and the miracle of childbirth, but it does mean it’s important to prepare in the right way, to provide the very best possible conditions for the mother, the baby … and the partner.

Talking of partners, this book will provide support for them too.

In order to be of help to you and the baby, your partner also needs to stay sane. While they may not be going through the same physical changes as you are, they will, trust me, quite likely be on their own roller coaster of anxiety, fear, helplessness and doubt, to name but a few of the emotions that may not always be so readily verbalised. Fatherhood can be daunting and often alienating. With so much attention on the mother – and rightly so – it’s common for men to feel pushed to one side or not involved, leaving them feeling unheard or disconnected from the experience.

For many mothers, whether through circumstance or choice, the biological father may not be present. So it’s worth mentioning that when I refer in the text to a ‘partner’, this includes every possibility, be it male, female, lover, friend, doula, relative, or anyone else who is walking alongside you on this journey. All that said, for the purposes of this book and providing a more straightforward narrative, I have written as if that ‘partner’ were a man. Whatever your circumstances, be sure to include your partner, support network and health professionals whenever you can in helping you to make this pregnancy the best possible experience.

The more you both practise mindfulness, the more you will understand what each other is going through together. This is a rare and beautiful thing. At the back of the book, I’ve included some meditation exercises that will not only foster more calm but also cultivate more compassion, bringing you closer together.

More than anything, a mindful pregnancy considers the overriding interests of the baby, from in utero to birth to parenthood. If we can provide you and your partner with some headspace, then the wellbeing and contentedness of your child will naturally follow – and sanity reigns all around. Imagine being less caught up with the voice that likes to plant worries in your head; or knowing how to keep the inner harmony when your baby just wails, no matter what you do; or knowing how to nurture the relationship with your partner while the mother-child bond is developing. All of this is attainable, and this book will show you how.

The science of mindfulness – which is referenced throughout the following chapters – very much supports the anecdotal feedback received from Headspace users. Indeed, the data is so compelling that Barts Hospital in London has partnered with Headspace on a clinical trial that uses mindfulness to deal with chronic pelvic pain. Similarly, Guy’s & St Thomas’ has teamed up with us on a study aimed at combatting insomnia. In time, I feel confident that the NHS, obstetricians and midwives everywhere will incorporate key aspects of mindfulness into their healthcare programmes, if indeed they are not already doing so.

Back in 2009, an article on mindfulness in the
British Journal of Midwifery
stated that ‘the time is right to explore the wider potential of this approach’. It pointed out benefits in three key areas: pain management, the reduction in the risk of prenatal depression and the increase of parental ‘availability’ to a baby or infant. The article concluded: ‘
Because mindfulness helps participants to see more clearly the patterns of the mind, it helps halt both the escalation of negative thinking that might compound pain or a depressed mood, and deals with the tendency to be on ‘auto-pilot’. For parents, this provides a great opportunity to dissolve the habitual tendency to be preoccupied with concerns that might deny the infant the attention he or she needs to thrive
.’

There are many fine books and ‘bibles’ offering practical advice for mothers and fathers: what’s healthy, what’s not; what to eat, what to avoid; how to bond, swaddle, soothe, nurture, feed and do everything else you can possibly imagine. In many ways, this paper mountain of how-to advice, along with the more recent addition of blogs, apps and websites, can be overwhelming in and of itself, fuelling anxiety and leaving your head spinning long before the baby has arrived. Long gone are the days when our parents and grandparents ‘just got on with it’ and ‘let nature take its course’. Maybe ignorance was a blessing back then, but there certainly wasn’t the same societal pressure to ‘get it right’ and be the mythical ‘perfect’ parent – whatever that may be. Our parents didn’t have glossy magazines that carried at-home photo shoots with first-time celebrity mums, looking red-carpet ready just days after giving birth, serving to reinforce the myth of what perfect motherhood looks like. Such are the wonders of Photoshop!

Also, within today’s society, I’m not sure there is the same tight-knit family culture or sense of community that there used to be. Busier lives and careers are pulling more of us away from our roots, and so parenthood can feel more isolating, with grandparents and siblings no longer guaranteed to be living just around the corner.

Then, there’s the fact that we live in an era where it is considered quite normal for the mother to have a full-time career at the same time as raising a child. As a result, the burden on women is arguably far greater than it used to be, and so we need to find a fresh way of relating to the experience.

My sister-in-law must have given Lucinda about ten books to read in the initial weeks of pregnancy, and I watched my wife studiously devour each one of them. There were quite a few eye-opening home truths for both of us, together with many helpful nuggets which enabled us to be realistic about the road ahead. Ultimately though, we found there was a lot of varying, conflicting advice and that’s when it struck me: there cannot be a right or a wrong way if so many different experts and cultures claim credit for bringing up healthy, happy babies.

After reading a wealth of material, Lucinda and I felt the emphasis was always on the external (the role and logistics of motherhood), without fully and properly addressing the internal (the mind and our sanity). As I’ve been reliably informed by countless mothers, what never leaves the back of the mind, regardless of how many books they read, are those thoughts they rarely wish to voice: am I going to be a good enough mother? Will I cope? Will my baby be born healthy? Will I ever get my figure back? How drastically will my life change – and what does
that
look like?

For what it’s worth, a good number of those worries and concerns may be experienced by the partner too. That’s because there is a gulf between the idea of parenthood and the actual reality. Long before childbirth, the mind has a tendency to look to the past, through the experiences of friends and family (predictably focusing on the odd horror story), as well as to the land of the hypothetical future, trying to anticipate every step along the way.

Mindfulness allows you to give up this endless back and forth of rumination, and instead be content with what’s happening right now, while embracing the uncertainty of the future. Sure, you have to plan ahead in a practical sense, and there are basics to learn and routines to adopt, but if you are not mentally ready, and don’t have a healthy coping mechanism to hand when you feel like a failure, or want to scream out your frustration, or are about to have a meltdown, you are making it ten times harder on yourself.

In not underestimating how hard the adjustment can be, you shouldn’t underestimate either how the mind is capable of being its own worst enemy at such times, taking you into deep valleys of negative, self-defeating thoughts. Every mountaineer makes sure they have the right gear when setting up base camp, but they’ll also spend time getting mentally strong. The same should apply to every mother and father looking to ascend Mount Parenthood.

So yes, you can savour the anticipation and rearrange your life – decorate the nursery, build the cot, buy a wardrobe of baby clothes, invest in a fancy pram and attend as many antenatal classes as you can afford. But the wisest preparation, before or after birth, is to spend some time with the mind, learning how to let go of habitual patterns of thinking – because trust me, no amount of cuddly toys will provide peace of mind when your baby is screaming through the night, but a moment of mindfulness might just prevent you from tipping over the edge.

When we let go in this way, we find calm. In that calm, we gain more clarity. In seeing more clearly, we obtain a better sense of perspective, which, in turn, leads to contentment. With more contentment, we tend to release our own stuff and have more compassion – more time and space for ourselves and others. These are essential elements of mindfulness and the key to a more harmonious experience. Throughout the book, you will see me refer to them as the four Cs – Calm. Clarity. Contentment. Compassion.

Notice that ‘calm’ precedes everything – it is the seed from which fulfilment (and sanity) grows. If we cannot first find a sense of ease, everything else will be wishful thinking. A state of calm will forever be our starting point. Just to be clear, that doesn’t mean a mind without thought, but a mind at ease. (More of that later.) Nor can meditation and mindfulness change what happens to us in life – it is not a magic pill that extracts the difficulties – but it can fundamentally change how we
experience
life.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve tried and struggled with meditation before. Leave that behind. Wipe the slate clean. At Headspace, we’ve demystified meditation and mindfulness for millions of people of all ages, and can do the same for you right here, right now.

Ten minutes a day – that’s all it requires. This is a little-and-often approach, supported by substantial scientific evidence (which you’ll read about later) that supports the benefits of short, regular meditation sessions. It’s the very reason the Headspace Take10 programme was devised. Slowly but surely, whether you do it religiously for the nine months of pregnancy, or every day for the rest of your life, the positive differences will be dramatic.

Herein lies the magic of a mindful pregnancy: it is a one-size-fits-all approach, whether you’re adhering to a certain method or taking it freestyle. Moreover, it also applies to every other area of your life, because it doesn’t differentiate between circumstances. View it as a new lens on your camera – because once you see one thing through the clear filter of mindfulness, you’ll see everything that way.

Going back to my fellow passenger on that flight, as I discussed these ideas with her, batting them back and forth, I could see that her initial scepticism about a pregnancy book written by a man was beginning to fade. And, as if on cue: ‘Maybe I’ll buy it for my daughter,’ she conceded. ‘Ever since becoming a young mum, she’s so stressed out.’

‘Yeah, thinking will do that to you,’ I said, smiling. ‘This book will be right up her alley.’

So, welcome to the latest offering from Headspace. And get ready to embrace a mindful pregnancy. As you’re about to discover, all you need to do is get out of your own way. Because, quite simply, the best start in life for your baby begins with your mind.

Andy Puddicombe, 2015

Like most things at Headspace, this book is a collaborative effort, bringing together the expertise of many different people. But, as a man entering uncharted waters, there are three women in particular to whom I am deeply indebted. Without their invaluable insight and kind support, I could never have delivered this book. You will find their voices throughout, so please let me introduce the wife, the obstetrician and the neuroscientist.

THE WIFE:
Lucinda Puddicombe MSc – friend, lover, companion and mother to our son Harley. Lucinda and I have been married for three years, together for seven. Aside from being a fantastic mum, Lucinda is an exercise physiologist, specialising in fitness and nutrition. With a wealth of experience, she walks the talk, having competed for Great Britain in duathlon at both the European and World Championships.

THE OBSTETRICIAN:
Dr Shamsah Amersi, MD – to whom we will be for ever grateful for her care, support and friendship throughout our pregnancy. A Board Certified and highly respected physician in obstetrics and gynaecology, Dr Amersi received her undergraduate degree in psychobiology at UCLA, and graduated from UC San Francisco Medical School with top honours. A proud mum, with a private practice in Santa Monica, she has guided countless families through pregnancy.

THE NEUROSCIENTIST:
Dr Claudia Aguirre – our resident neuroscientist at Headspace HQ and real-life genius, Dr Aguirre researches and communicates the science behind mindfulness in a way we can all understand – no easy task. With a BSc from UCLA, and a PhD from USC, she is also a professional speaker and writer of note, and has been featured in health and wellness publications around the world.

When I first started training in mindfulness at the monasteries back in 1994, the guidance at the outset was that we should never believe anything simply because it originated from an authoritative source; instead, we were taught, only act on something if, in your own experience, it proves beneficial to your welfare and those around you. Don’t go by reports, by legends, by traditions, by probability, they said, and, most of all, don’t heed a lesson just because a teacher says it’s so. (These days, you could probably add ‘and because a scientific paper says it’s so’.)

That’s how I’d like you to approach the practice of mindfulness and meditation in this book: treat it as if I’ve just walked up to you in the street and said, ‘Look, there’s this thing, try it out; it worked for me and it’s worked for a lot of other people too. I’ll provide the instructions and then, if you feel the benefits, it’s a confidence and trust you have formed yourself, rather than blind faith.’ This is the place to begin.