The Headspace Guide To … A Mindful Pregnancy (3 page)

Of course, you’ll need to give it time, but you’ll see eventually where I’m coming from. Meditation is something that has to be experienced – you need to
feel
it to know its value. I would also add that it offers no quick-fix solution, and there will be obstacles along the way, as there are when practising any new skill. But always keep in mind that the obstacles are nothing but the process of learning itself – they are actually part of what makes it work and there is always, always an antidote. So stick with it, experience the easy-to-learn exercises for yourself, and you will ultimately undergo real, noticeable change, whether that’s after one day, one week or one month.

You may have come to this book without knowing anything about Headspace or what we do. Maybe your partner has thrust it in your hand. Maybe it has landed on your bedside table by way of recommendation. Maybe you are reading it, but remain cynical, not really believing in this thing that everyone keeps talking about. Or maybe you are well accustomed to mindfulness and are simply seeking a refresher. Whatever the case, training in mindfulness is not about becoming a different person, a new person or even a better person. It’s about training in awareness; understanding why you think and feel the way you do; learning to be at ease with the mind as it is, no matter what’s going on in your life; and finding a little more space in your head, in the interests of yourself, your partner, family and baby.

The answer to a calmer mind, and therefore more fulfilment in life, is simply spending more time in the here and now. Yet the mind – irrational, unreliable, neurotic and wayward – often refuses to accept the simplicity of this truth, instead wanting to dissect, complicate and analyse, creating more noise. The moment we let go of all that, and choose to be with what’s happening right now, in the present, there is nowhere else for the mind to go and it is a very, very peaceful place to be.

Life is not what happened back there or what might happen up ahead.

Life is like the rhythm of the heart, every breath, every blink of the eye. It is beat by beat, moment by moment.

This
… is all there is.
This …
is all we need.

These days, society no longer views meditation and mindfulness as a far-out, niche market, solely reserved for yogis, hippies and gurus. Both subjects are now universally embraced and talked about to such a degree that the mainstream media often reports on their widespread acceptance in the world of health, lifestyle, sport, business and yes, of course, celebrity too. A 2014 cover story in
TIME
magazine entitled ‘The Mindful Revolution’ was a clear endorsement of this. But within this mass of coverage, the subtle distinction between meditation and mindfulness is sometimes lost, and it is worth taking a minute or two to explain.

Meditation
requires us to sit for a limited amount of time. It is a tool that trains and cultivates the mind, allowing thoughts to come and go: not labelling them, not getting caught up in them, not ignoring or resisting them – just watching them. As we meditate, we gradually learn to move beyond thoughts, better understanding their ebb and flow, and transient nature. This then lays the groundwork for
mindfulness.
Think of it as meditation in action, in real time, with your eyes open, applying the same principles to everyday life.

Meditation is something we do on the practice ground, honing the skill. Mindfulness is the application of the skill brought to each day. Although the conditions for each may be different, their essence is the same, and we apply awareness, kindness and curiosity to both. Simply put, the practice is about letting go of thinking how life
should be
and living it
as it is
. By that, I don’t mean throwing our hands in the air and giving up, or being a pushover. Letting go does not mean casting aside aspirations, dreams or positive intentions; rather, it’s about releasing all the mental baggage to create space in the mind in which we can find more clarity, to better see a more skilful course of action. We will always have the opportunity to change certain circumstances but, in those situations over which we don’t have control, mindfulness helps us find a place of quiet acceptance.

The more we stay in the present, not getting bogged down in thoughts, the more we can take life in our stride, refraining from internal reactivity and judgement of ourselves and others. Although we spend every day with our thoughts and emotions, we usually know very little about them or how they influence us; therefore, it requires courage, openness and honesty to observe the mind without judgement, criticism or censorship. As our practice evolves, the ‘rest-and-digest’ part of our nervous system becomes more active, helping us to feel more comfortable and relaxed. With repeated training, we feel lighter, less preoccupied and more spacious – something we call ‘headspace’. Each of us has this innate mental capacity. Think of the qualities of mindfulness: a mind that is calmer, clearer, softer, kinder and more open and accepting; a mind that knows appreciation, compassion and gratefulness. Take a moment to imagine the positive implications of these qualities throughout fertility, pregnancy, childbirth and parenthood – a mind that is less reactive, more stable and content.

The difference between living mindfully and not living mindfully is significant. In the case of the latter, we’re constantly dealing with thoughts and emotions that distract or overwhelm us. It’s a little like standing outdoors and being buffeted by a storm we shouldn’t have ventured into, leaving us preoccupied with its intensity. When mindful, it’s as though we’re indoors, sitting in a warm, cosy pub, watching the storm but not getting involved, feeling the calm of our chosen sanctuary. It is the difference between getting caught up in something and witnessing it. Notice that the external event – in this case, the storm – doesn’t change. It still happens. But our experience of it is drastically different.

Say you walk into that same pub in the wild and woolly English countryside. Let’s call this fine drinking hole ‘The Mindful Dog & Gun’. You remove your coat and notice the atmosphere is jovial and welcoming. Within an hour or so, the whole pub is buzzing with collective banter and people having a good belly laugh. Everyone around you is with you, on the same page; nothing can disrupt the shared mindset. The more people who are engaged in something – be it laughter, awareness or compassion – the more others want to get involved. A 2015 study, that actually used the Headspace app as the intervention, demonstrated that pro-social behaviour is just one of the many benefits of mindfulness. After assessing fifty-six participants from Boston’s Northeastern University, the study showed that there was a 23 per cent increase in compassionate behaviour among those who meditated, compared with those who did not. ‘These findings point to the potential of meditation as a technique for building a more compassionate society,’ the paper said. Such are the contagious effects of mindfulness in our home, family or community. In experiencing the benefits internally, we begin to manifest them externally.

From my so-far limited experience of first-time fatherhood, I can vouch for the fact that mindfulness helps enormously. Becoming a dad presented me with all the same challenges any new parent faces, and I can now better understand why people find it so difficult, before, during and after pregnancy. But at the same time, I can say from direct experience that mindfulness can change the way we approach the process. It actually works. Not just in a quiet Himalayan monastery but also in the roller coaster ride we all get strapped into.

I remember a story about a teacher at one of the monasteries in Thailand who was asked to visit someone far away. Friends picked him up in a battered old jeep to take him on the journey which involved crossing some quite hair-raising terrain. As the jeep approached the foot of an ominous-looking mountain, fellow passengers started fretting about whether they should risk it or turn around. The road ahead, or should I say dirt track, was treacherous – on the right side was a wall of rock; on the left, a steep drop into oblivion. But the driver seemed undeterred, and the teacher, sitting in the front seat, said nothing, but stayed alert. Upon reaching the top, he got out of the jeep, looked back on the route they’d navigated and said with a laugh, ‘Phew, that was pretty scary.’

And therein lies the message: he didn’t stand at the bottom, look up and worry about what lay ahead. Nor did he look back and regret finding himself where he was. Granted, he hadn’t anticipated such an Indiana-Jones-style drive, but it came with the territory. Of course, he still had legitimate thoughts about what he was going to do in a pragmatic sense, and he doubtless felt a sting of danger, but he didn’t fuel any worry or panic.

So it is with the journey of pregnancy. It is impossible to accurately plan the way ahead, and the route will inevitably take its own twists and turns. All you can do is stay present with each moment and not freak out, using mindfulness to instill confidence in your ability to handle any situation.

If you use Headspace, you’ll know that one of my favourite analogies is that of the mind being a little like a lake: each thought we toss in it creates a ripple; the more we think, the more ripples are created, constantly disturbing the surface. When we meditate, and as our thoughts slow down, however, those ripples start to fade, until there is stillness – and that’s when we realise the water is so crystal clear that we can see what’s beneath the surface.

Of course, with a restless mind, it is impossible to forever maintain that mirror-still surface, but each time it ripples – each time a thought is thrown into your meditation – simply allow it to pass and the lake will once again become clear.

Meditation is not about sticking your hand in the water and rooting around the bottom, digging up the sediment of old memories and analysing them; do that and you’ll find yourself thinking again! Sure, you may well see things
naturally
rising to the surface that were supposedly long forgotten, or that you don’t like the look of, but such is the process of letting go. If you can simply witness this process, you are left with the clear lake. It is worth remembering that clarity arises from stillness in the same way that confusion arises from chaos.

Ironically, it is through stillness that we come to understand that mindfulness doesn’t make everything suddenly go smoothly. Far from it – we just see things more clearly and feel more comfortable, especially when things go awry. That’s why I always emphasise the distinction between contentment and happiness. I often struggle with the word ‘happiness’ because it promotes the idea that everything should pan out as planned; that life is about walking around with a smiley face, and happiness is somehow our default mode. But ‘the pursuit of happiness’ often leads to disappointment because, by the nature of it being an emotion, it cannot be everlasting. Attaining happiness is not what peace of mind is about; it’s about being content and at ease with whatever we’re confronted with, whether that means having an amazing time or an extremely difficult time. Indeed, having the clarity to recognise what is helpful, and the ability to let go of that which is not, is a wonderful thing.

No matter what their motivation for learning mindfulness, most people focus on the technique at first. But as essential as that is, the way we
approach
the technique is far more important. There are three key things to remember when learning mindfulness. If you want to check these out in the form of animation (a picture paints a thousand words, after all), you can visit the Headspace website, but, in short, simply remember:
expectation
,
effort
and
blue sky
. Here’s why …

Sounds easy, right? But what usually happens is that we feel a bit unsettled by the movement of traffic, so we run out into the road and try to stop the cars, or maybe even chase after a few, forgetting that the idea was just to sit there. And of course, all this running around only adds to the feeling of restlessness. Training the mind is about changing our relationship with the passing thoughts and feelings, so that we can view them with a little more perspective. When we do this, we naturally find a place of calm. Will we sometimes forget the idea of the exercise and become distracted? Of course we will. But as soon as we remember, there we are, back on the side of the road again, just watching the traffic go by … perfectly at ease, in both body and mind.

We’re always taught that the more effort we put in, the more we’ll get out of life. But this isn’t always true. Take falling asleep, for example. We can prepare in the right way, put ourselves in the right position and get comfortable. But after that, well, we can’t force it to happen, right? In fact, it works exactly the other way round – the harder we try, the less sleepy we become. It’s only when we stop trying that we finally let go and drift off and, before we know it, we’re waking up the next morning, feeling refreshed and relaxed after a good night’s sleep.

It’s a very similar story when training the mind.

I think a nice metaphor is the idea of taming a wild horse. Rather than being pinned down in one place, the horse is let out on a long rope in a big, open, spacious field. The horse runs around, feeling like it’s got all the space in the world. Very slowly, the rope is brought in and the horse adjusts to this feeling, until it comes to a natural place of rest. We are looking to do the same thing with the mind in meditation – not trying to pin it down in one place, but to bring it to a natural place of rest. So let go of any ideas of needing to achieve something or get somewhere; instead, enjoy the opportunity to sit back, relax and be present in the world.