The Heart Knows What the Heart Wants (17 page)

By mid-afternoon, the roads had been cleared enough for Star to drive home. She went by Harper's General Store before she left so she could sneak a kiss or two from Shane.

"I'm going to work on some more jewelry designs," she said. She went to the cooler to grab a diet soda. "If you want to stop over when you get off work, I'm sure I can find something to keep you busy."

He wrapped his arms around her and lifted her off her feet. "You just want me for my body, admit it," he said.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," she teased. "Now put me down. I'll see you soon."

Reluctantly, he sat her down. "Okay."

When Star got home, she went into the kitchen and saw a note stuck to the refrigerator door from Neona:
Michael has the day off, and I'm tired of being cooped up in this big house all alone, so we're going to his place for a change of scenery
.
We'll probably spend the night there, call if you need anything
.

Star smiled as she read the note. She knew what it was like to feel trapped like an animal in a cage; unable to come and go whenever, or wherever, she wanted. She was happy that Neona had Michael and that they were able to spend some alone time together.

She found her cell phone sitting on the table, and she stuck it in her pocket. She skipped up the steps, taking them two at a time. She felt giddy, alive, and so full of happy energy, in spite of her lack of sleep from the previous night.

She decided to take a shower, and rummaged through some of her recent purchases for something to wear. Humming to herself, she chose a pair of leggings and a long-sleeved, oversized t-shirt. Just as she began to undress, her cell phone vibrated in her pocket.

She swiped the screen, assuming it was a text from Shane, frowning when she saw four missed calls. The most recent text was from Shane to tell her that he would be there shortly after six, but four missed calls? She thumbed through them, and every one was from a blocked number. It made her sick to her stomach. Her legs turned to putty, and she slid her back down the wall. She had wondered how long it would take before he started to call instead of sending texts.

The happiness she'd felt earlier had evaporated. Even though Derek was hundreds of miles away, he still had a stranglehold on her. Like a puppeteer controlling her every move with the flick of his wrist. She buried her face in her hands and cried. Things had been so perfect a few hours ago, now they were quickly fading to a darker shade of black.

Her phone rang in her hands causing her to start, and she stared at it with despair as "BLOCKED" splashed across the screen.

She knew he wouldn't stop calling until he talked to her, and since he couldn't physically harm her over the telephone, she bravely answered. "Hello?" she said with more authority than she felt, hoping it would prove to him that she wasn't his scared little Estelle anymore.

"Estelle, baby, don't hang up," he pleaded softly.

The sound of his voice, the sickeningly fake sincerity, crawled up the back of her neck, igniting every nerve in her body, and made her nauseous. "Okay, but you better talk fast. You have exactly two minutes to say whatever it is you have to say, and then I'm going to hang up, throw this phone away and try to un-remember every fucking thing about you, Derek."

"Estelle, baby--" he started.

"Tick-tock, one minute fifty seconds," she interrupted.

He sighed heavily. She could almost picture his anger, making his face grow redder with each passing second. It was late Saturday afternoon, and if it was like most weekends, she figured he already had a six pack under his belt. "It's your mom. She's real sick. They admitted her to the hospital last night. She's asking for you, Estelle. Now I know you two have had your problems in the past, but she is your mom. I think maybe you ought to put your differences aside and come home. She's not gonna be around forever, you know."

Star hugged her knees to her chest, sitting on the cold tile floor of the bathroom. She pulled in a deep breath, trying to steady herself. "Time's up," she hissed into the phone, seconds before pressing end. She resisted the urge to fling it as hard as she could and smash it against the opposite wall. Instantly, it began to ring again, so she held the power button down and turned it off.

Tears of helplessness and defeat streaked down her face, and she pressed her palms against her eyes.
If
he was telling her the truth, and her mom really was as sick as he claimed, she'd never be able to live with herself if something happened and she hadn't gone to see her. There was no love lost between her and her mother, but it wasn't because Star hadn't tried.

She struggled to her feet and willed her body to stop shaking. She turned on the shower and quickly finished undressing. She stood under the hot stream, hoping the hot water would take away the chill lodged inside her bones. She was weary, tired of fighting to live a normal life. How was she ever going to be free from her past?

After she finished, she carried the clothes she'd laid out back to her room and wrapped herself in the comfort of her old fuzzy robe instead. Happiness, like the flame of a candle, had been extinguished. She was numb. She wanted to curl into a ball, sleep, and when she woke up, she wanted his call to have been a bad dream.

When Shane arrived later, he was met by a dark and quiet house. Had Star's car not been parked out front, he might have thought no one was home. He stomped the snow from his boots and pulled them off. "Hello?" he called.

When he received no response, he checked to see if Neona was maybe asleep. Not finding her, he jogged up the steps and down the hall toward Star's room. He tapped lightly on the door, "Star?"

"Come in," she said softly.

He eased the door open and peeked inside. She was huddled on the corner of her bed, her chin resting on her knees. He could see that she'd been crying. He crossed the room, and crawled across the comforter, drawing her shivering body into his strong arms. Seeing her like this, weak and defeated, made his chest ache. "What's the matter, Blue?" he whispered.

"Derek called," she told him.

Shane's eyes darkened. "You talked to him?"

Star closed her eyes and sighed. "Yes."

"What did he say?"

"He told me my mom's sick," she said, her voice cracked with emotion.

"Sick? Like how sick?"

"I don't know. Sick enough that she's in the hospital and asking for me." Star shrugged.

"You think he's telling you the truth? Is there anyone you can call to find out?" Shane asked. His thoughts bounced back and forth like a ping-pong ball on speed, and he didn't like the gut feeling he had that something wasn't on the level. "What about the hospital? Which hospital is she in?"

Star's head dropped back, and she stared up at the ceiling. "I don't know. I didn't talk to him long enough to find out. I just wanted to get him off the phone."

"Where's your phone?" Shane asked.

"I think I left it in the bathroom, maybe?"

He slid from the bed and went down the hall to check for her phone. He found it and carried it back to the room with him. He held it in Star's face. "Call her. Call your mom."

Star's eyes widened and she shook her head. "I can't," she said hoarsely.

It broke Shane's heart to watch her physically struggle to hold herself together. Her pain was his pain, and he hated that he couldn't make it go away. Her lower lip quivered, and tears slid freely down her cheeks. She wiped them away with the sleeve of her robe and fidgeted nervously. He pursed his lips and sat the phone on the bedside table. "Don't cry, Blue. We'll figure something out, okay?"

She bobbed her head and forced a weak smile. "Okay."

"I'll be right back," he told her suddenly. He took off out of the room and down the hall.

Fifteen minutes later, he still wasn't back and she wondered what he was up to. When he finally returned, he was wearing his robe and had a large bowl of popcorn in his hands. "Where's the remote?" he asked her.

She bit her lower lip, and her eyes smiled up at him. She loved that he was trying to make her feel better, and his spontaneity tickled her insides. She pointed to the nightstand and said, "In the top drawer."

He sat down on the bed and grinned sideways at her before plumping his pillow and wedging it between the headboard and his back. He set the bowl of popcorn in his lap and turned on the TV.

"Tonight, we're just going to hang out. I want you to promise me you won't think about Derek, or your mom, or anything else vaguely connected to either of them," he said. He lifted his arm, and she scooted under it. "In exchange, I'm not going to think about what I'd like to do to that fucker for upsetting my girl. Deal?"

She tilted her head and kissed him on the cheek. "Deal."

He made her feel warm and cozy inside, and she snuggled contentedly against him. They both knew that putting off any kind of a decision was temporary, and they'd have to figure out what to do sooner rather than later. For the night, she didn't want to think about her past, and he didn't want her to do anything to spoil their night together.

When Star opened her eyes, Shane was staring at her. He had his head propped on his hand and smiled at her. She was sleeping so peacefully. He would give anything to let her go on sleeping, without a care in the world. She blinked a few times to clear the sleep from her eyes and smiled up at him groggily. "How long have you been awake?"

He obliged her with a sexy smirk. "Not long. You're cute while you sleep. Your little snores are hot."

"I don't snore!" she said and swatted him.

"Um yeah, you kind of do." He chuckled, ducking her swing. "Actually, they're more like cute little puffs of air."

She pulled the pillow from beneath her head and flung it at him. "You are so wrong for that!"

"Damn, you're feisty this morning." He snickered and wrapped his arms around her, pinning her against his chest. "Easy, Blue."

She started giggling hard, nearly hyperventilating, as his hands roved precariously close to her ribs. "Don't. Tickle. Me," she gasped.

"Well...I wasn't going to, until you told me not to," he said, his eyes twinkling with mischief. "Now that I know you're ticklish, I'm seriously considering it."

She tried to protest as he rolled her onto her back and tentatively began to press his fingers playfully into her sides. "Stop! I'm going to pee myself!" she warned.

The tickling soon gave way to foreplay, which paved the way for hot morning sex, her favorite.

Later, as they lay entwined in one another's arms, Shane reached for her phone. "I've been thinking," he said as he flipped the device over and over in his hands. "Call your mom. That seems to be about the only way you're going to know for sure if Derek was telling you the truth."

Star licked her suddenly too dry lips and avoided his eyes. Her heart clenched in her chest when she thought about her history with her mom."You don't understand Astrid Lambert. Derek would lie and she'd swear to it. She thinks I
belong
with him. No matter how awful things were between us," she said quietly. The more she remembered, the angrier she became.

"If he used me as his personal punching bag...well, then I must have had it coming." She sat up and combed her fingers through her knotted curls. "Each and every single time I went to her covered with the evidence of what he'd done to me, she was sympathetic at first, but the conversation always went back to how I shouldn't push his buttons when he'd been drinking, or how I needed to be more careful not to set him off.

"It makes me physically ill when I think about the stupid shit she used to say to me. All of the times she sided with that sonofabitch, as though being with him was so much better than being alone...
at my age
," Star bit the words off angrily.

"I'm so sorry, Beautiful," Shane said. He pulled her against his side, and kissed her sweetly on her forehead. "What do you want to do?"

"I'm not really sure what to do," she admitted. "I mean, in spite of everything, I can't hate her. Even if she does have all these antiquated ideas about how a woman needs to remain loyal to her man, no matter how much he sucks, out of some twisted sense of
obligation
."

"Call her," Shane urged, handing her the phone. He swung his legs to the floor beside the bed and said, "I'm going to take a shower. Give you some privacy."

Star bit her lower lip, worrying it between her teeth. She nodded up at him. "Okay."

"It'll be okay, Blue." He winked. "I won't let it be any other way."

She watched him walk away, bare-naked ass, and all, and shook her head at how incredibly lucky she'd been to meet him. The planets had definitely been in alignment that day. Leaving him to go back to West Memphis, no matter if it was only temporary, was going to be extremely difficult.

As soon as she heard the water turn on down the hall, she dressed quickly and sucked in a hollow breath. She powered up her phone and noticed she had several missed calls and two voice messages -- one from Derek and the other from her mother.

A dull ache throbbed low in her stomach, and she clasped her hand around her throat, resting her chin on her hand as she stared at the phone. She did not want to talk to either of them. Truth be told, if she never spoke to Derek or her mother again, it wouldn't hurt her feelings one bit.

She listened to her mom's message and concluded that Astrid was either an academy award worthy liar or she was indeed sick. Star collapsed on the edge of her bed and listened to her mom's raspy voice as she explained how she has that nasty H1N1 flu that's been working its way across the country's midsection this winter. They had admitted her to the hospital yesterday, for observation. She went on to say that she would sure like to see Estelle for Christmas.

"Saturn, Pluto, and Mars. Nothing like laying on the guilt trip," she mumbled.

She dialed her mom's number, and when the phone went straight to voicemail she was mildly relieved. She ended the call without bothering to leave a message. She got up and hurriedly gathered some clothes into an overnight bag. It was about a six hour drive and if she left now, she'd be in West Memphis before dark.

The shower turned off, and a few minutes later, she heard Shane's footsteps making their way back toward her room. He walked in wearing nothing but a towel slung low on his slender hips.

His eyes flickered from the overnight bag on the floor at her feet, to the look of utter despair on her face. "You're going?" he asked incredulously.

Star slowly nodded. "If I don't go, and something happens to her, I'll never forgive myself."

"I have a meeting with my old coach tomorrow morning, to see about helping out with the team. Can you wait until after that, and we can go together?" he asked.

"I'd rather just go and get this over with. If I don't leave right now, I'll talk myself out of it," she admitted. She searched his face. "It'll be okay. I'll go, check things out, and be back before you even realize I'm gone," she told him.

He moved closer and brushed an errant strand of hair from the side of her face. "Not possible, Blue," he said, his voice thick with the love he felt for her. "I can't stand the idea of you not being close enough to reach out and touch. To pull you into my arms. To hold you when you sleep. Fuck me, this is such a bad idea. Let me come with you. I'll tell coach something's come up and meet with him when we get back."

She stood and slowly shook her head. "Make no mistake, Derek is a dangerous man, and there is no doubt in my mind that he'll be watching and waiting for me to come back into town. If you were with me, he'd kill you, of that, I'm one hundred percent certain."

He tugged at his hair out of frustration. "I don't like this. I don't like it at all. Your mind's made up? I can't stop you from going?"

"It will be okay, the planets are in my favor." She winked, trying to lighten the mood. She withdrew from his warm embrace and placed her hands on his cheeks, cupping his face. "Until I met you, I merely existed in a world where I didn't want to be. Shane, you are my North Star, my guiding light. I don't want to be away from you any longer than I have to be. But this...is just necessary. Like closing the door, locking it, and throwing away the key to my past once and for all."

He kissed her with so much emotion that her knees buckled beneath her. He gripped her around the waist and said, "Call me as soon as you get there. Watch your back. I mean it. Don't you go anywhere that fucker might be, or at least not where he can get you alone. If he so much as touches one hair on your head, I will fuck him up beyond recognition."

"It'll be okay. I'll be okay." She kissed him again and smiled sadly. "Besides, you know I'm coming home. We have to finish our twenty-one questions."

"Home?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at her. "I like the way that sounds, Neptune Girl."

"Me too, Saturn Boy." She grinned.

The edges of the tattoo on her chest peeked from the top of her gauzy blouse. He clasped her hand in his and placed it over her the words. "The heart knows what the heart wants, Blue. Mine wants you."

She gave him a chaste kiss and said, "Me too, you."