The Heart of a Girl (2) (24 page)

             
It wouldn’t affect Harper much, I didn’t think. She was too young to speak or walk, let alone figure out that her parents weren’t together. She’d get used to her new surroundings eventually and she’d still see Adam often. Maybe even stay overnight with him, if that was what he wanted. We’d figure it all out and keep her best interests at heart. Adam and I might never be able to get past everything we’d endured romantically, but we’d always be able to put Harper first. I knew that as well as I knew anything.

             
But another part of me felt dread just thinking about moving back to Bella Vista. As many ghosts lived in this guest house, there were just as many there. Memories of Hannah and me before I was pregnant and before either of us even knew what it was like to kiss a boy. Spending time with her and my dad and Nora as a family and believing that it was going to stay that way forever.

             
And regardless of what had happened over the past few months, regardless of Adam’s relationship with Natalie and my forever mixed feelings about Nolan, I couldn’t deny that in some way he still held my heart. I still felt breathless sometimes when he got close to me, even if it was to do something simple like reach over my lap for the remote or climb over me to get into bed. My heart still leaped when he smile, and the few times he kissed me on the cheek, close to my lips. Whenever he touched me, the skin tingled long after his hand left. I couldn’t deny these feelings, yet I’d spent the last two months trying to do exactly that.

             
I knew I had a big decision on my hands. Either I forgave Adam completely and chose to move on from this or I didn’t.

             
But no one could answer these questions for me. Maybe Harper, but she couldn’t speak yet, so she couldn’t help me. Mason would tell me to move to Bella Vista and never look back, but Cynthia would tell me to stay with Adam and make it work. Hannah would tell me to do whatever I wanted and then make me laugh until the pain faded. But I couldn’t turn to her, not now.

             
Adam kissed my forehead, bringing me back to reality however briefly. I smiled up at him, taking in the deep color of his eyes. If I closed my own just enough I could envision him as that same boy he had been nearly two years ago. If I did it for long enough, maybe my decision would stop feeling so impossible.

Chapter 37

              It didn’t snow again once the remainders of the storm in December cleared up. But it remained cold.

             
On Valentine’s Day the temperatures soared above sixty for the first time since October and brought my spirits up along with it. Adam left around noon since it was his free day and promised to be back around four so we could discuss custody agreements over dinner.

             
He hadn’t tried to talk me out of leaving and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.

             
A little after three I took Harper for a walk. She had just gotten up from her nap and seemed awake and refreshed enough to enjoy it. She brought Otto the Octopus along for the ride.

             
We took a longer walk than usual and it felt amazingly good to stretch my legs while taking in the warm weather and the familiar sights. Maybe things were going to work out for the best after all. The last time I’d talked to Hannah, earlier in the week, she’d mentioned coming for a visit early in the summer for Harper’s first birthday party. The three of us would have to find a way to share our tiny bedroom while she was there but it would be worth it.

             
Cynthia was planning on arriving in Haven a few days before, so I was excited about that too. June was still three and a half months away but I knew now more than ever how fast time could fly.

             
Harper and I got home just before four and I was surprised to see Adam’s car parked in the driveway. This was the first day he’d been allowed to drive since the accident and I’d more or less assumed he’d be out until the very last minute. I knew he missed driving.

             
“You’re early,” I remarked as I went into the house. I glanced around the living room and kitchen area and frowned. He wasn’t in there.

             
Placing Harper in her Pack N Play, I headed to the hallway and stopped short. Our bedroom door was closed and when I touched the handle I could tell it was locked. My heart began pounding and I glanced towards the living room to see if Harper noticed the change in my demeanor.

             
She was busy throwing Otto out of the Pack N Play, completely oblivious to the slow torment I was about to put myself through.

             
Adam wouldn’t really bring a girl over, would he? I’d given him permission to date and he’d never said a thing about whether or not he would since. It was Valentine’s Day, a year since he’d asked me to marry him and I’d made it clear yesterday that I was still planning on moving out.

             
Was Adam that spiteful? I realized I had no idea.

             
I knocked lightly on the door, so lightly I wasn’t sure he’d even hear.

             
“In a minute!” He replied instantly and it sounded like he was alone. My heart calmed down a little but I continued to stand there, clenching and unclenching my fists and rocking back and force on the heels of my feet.

             
A few minutes, that felt more like hours later, he opened the door. He was smiling.

             
“You didn’t see me drive past you? I thought you’d be gone longer.”

             
“No,” I said. “Where was that?”

             
“A few streets over.” He left the bedroom but closed the door behind him.

             
“Are you hiding something?”

             
“Yes?”

             
“What?”

             
“I can’t tell you.”

             
“Adam.”

             
“It’s a surprise.” He winked at me and headed down the hallway, scooping Harper out of her Pack N Play and turning to me expectantly. “Are you going to help me feed this baby or am I on my own?”

             
I made a face at him but smiled as I went to the refrigerator and pulled out a container of homemade macaroni and cheese. I heated it just a little in the microwave while Adam got Harper situated in the high chair.

             
“We make a good team,” he whispered in my ear when he brushed past me to get her bottle ready. A shiver ran down my spine but I did my best to ignore it. I put some of the macaroni and cheese into Harper’s bowl and placed it in front of her.

             
She looked at me like I was crazy.

             
“Try,” I urged her. “You liked it when I had it.”

             
I didn’t think she believed me. She shoved the bowl away and made a disgusted sound. Adam heard and laughed, handing her the bottle. She drank from it hungrily and threw it onto her table when she was done. I sighed.

             
“I don’t think she’s interested,” he remarked.

             
“She needs to start trying new things,” I insisted. “That’s what the pediatrician told me when I took her in last week. She can’t be on formula and baby food forever.”

             
“She’ll get used to it,” he said, putting an arm around my waist and kissing my forehead. “She’s just picky like her mother. And I’m sure my mom knows a few tricks.”

             
I’d avoided Julia more lately than ever before but I didn’t want to tell Adam that. It wasn’t anything in particular, really. I just felt so awkward living in the guest house with Adam and the two of us still being officially broken up. It seemed like an odd thing to try to explain to parents, especially when they weren’t yours.

             
“I’ll try,” Adam said, noticing the frown that was forming on my face. “Why don’t you go into the bedroom?”

             
“I don’t need anything in there,” I said absently.
I could try the airplane trick,
I thought. Wasn’t that supposed to work on babies? I looked at Harper and she was staring back at me, a stubborn gleam in her eyes.
Maybe not.

             
“There’s something in there for you,” he said. “Now go. I’ve got this.”

             
I looked at him in surprise but he’d moved away from me and was now fully concentrated on feeding Harper. Not knowing what to say, I left the kitchen and headed to the bedroom.

             
Lying on the bed was a simple light blue dress, the exact color of my eyes. It looked like it would be about knee length with a fuller skirt than usual. It wasn’t formal, not really, but it seemed a little more than casual at the same time.

             
I picked it up gently, fingering the fabric. It was soft to the touch and felt like it would be clingy. I felt tears spring to my eyes but blinked them back. Why was Adam doing this? Why on earth had he left earlier, only to bring back a dress?

             
I walked back to the kitchen, dress in hands and stared at him, expecting an answer without asking a question. He looked up at me and smiled.

             
“My mom will be here at five, so I think you’d better jump in the shower. Not that I mind you smelling like everything Harper ate earlier, but it might just be because I’m used to it.”

             
I couldn’t help but smile and nodded slowly. It looked like Valentine’s Day wasn’t going to be the way I’d predicted after all.

Chapter 38

             
Adam took me to a restaurant we’d never been to before. It wasn’t even in Haven but a few towns over. I’d only been in the area once, when we’d first moved to Haven. There was an antique shop a few streets over where my dad bought a few pieces of furniture for Bella Vista.

             
It seemed like a nice restaurant even though it wasn’t crowded. But this town was even more known as being a tourist area than Haven was, so I wasn’t too surprised. The menu was pretty limited but that was okay by me.

             
Adam wouldn’t let me order a salad. “Be spontaneous for once,” he scolded me gently when the waiter asked for our order. Accepting his challenge, I ordered fettuccini alfredo with chicken
and
broccoli.

             
“I’m impressed,” Adam remarked after he placed his own order of lasagna and we handed our menus over to the waiter. “If you eat half of it you might actually gain a pound.”

             
“I don’t know why everyone thinks I have a weight issue,” I complained. “I just like to eat healthy. Is that a crime?”

             
“Nope.” He took a piece of bread from the basket and ripped it in half, handing me a piece. I hesitated before accepting it, and feeling his eyes still on me, I lopped a huge amount of butter on top before eating it.

             
“Isn’t that good?”

             
“Not particularly,” I replied once I’d swallowed it. I winced at the too-salty taste of the butter and downed half my glass of water.

             
“You’re a weird one,” Adam remarked, but there was affection in his voice.

             
“All we ate was pizza, Chinese takeout and fast food when I was growing up,” I told Adam. “You have no idea how many stomach aches I had before the age of twelve. I’m not trying to go back to that lifestyle.”

             
“I’m just messing with you.”

             
“I know.”

             
And then we were silent. We hadn’t talked much on the ride over, mostly because I had no idea what to say. Was this a date? He’d never mentioned it being a date. I knew we needed to talk about Harper, with tomorrow being moving day, but I wasn’t sure how to bring up the subject or whether or not it was even appropriate to. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted this to be a date or not.

             
“You look really nice tonight,” I said finally, more to break the silence than anything else. He’d gotten dressed up, but not too much. A white button down shirt over black dickies, but it suited him well. He was probably the only person I knew that could eat red sauce with a white shirt on and not get it all over himself.             

             
“Not as nice as you,” he said with a half-smile. “You look amazing.”

             
“Thanks but I can’t really take too much credit for it.”

             
“Yes you can. You actually wore makeup.”

             
I blushed. I’d been hoping he wouldn’t notice, yet at the same time…

             
“We should really talk about tomorrow and Harper and everything else,” I said finally, unable to resist. Adam remained calm and unaffected.

             
“I know,” he said. “We will later. Let’s just try and enjoy each other’s company for now, okay?”             

             
“Okay,” I agreed, but it made me more nervous. What was this? We’d managed to keep things platonic for nearly two months and now we were sitting at a semi-fancy restaurant a few towns away from where we lived, all dressed up. On Valentine’s Day no less. A year from the date he proposed marriage.

             
Our food arrived and I was relieved to finally have something to do besides stare at Adam and stress over what to say next. I found my mind wandering to Harper as I began to eat, wondering if maybe I could talk her into some fettuccini alfredo. I made a mental note to take some home with me and try tomorrow. I knew I was in for it with her. She was a pickier eater than I was.

             
“So have you talked to Scott at all lately?”

             
I nearly choked when he asked the question. “What?”

             
“Scott. Have you talked to him at all?”

             
“No.”

             
“Why not?”

             
“He has a new girlfriend and we only ever had Hannah in common, and she’s… not here anymore.”

             
“You dated him,” he pointed out. “You must have had more than Hannah in common at some point if you dated.”

             
“No, not really. Have you talked to Natalie?”

             
Now it was his turn to choke. “What?”

             
“Natalie,” I repeated, keeping my eyes wide and serious looking. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t enjoying the struggle he seemed to be going through to keep his shock down.

             
“Yes,” he replied and now it was my turn again.

             
“Oh.”

             
“We keep in touch,” he continued. “Mostly text. Does that bother you?”

             
“No.”

             
“I can always tell when you’re lying.”

             
“Then don’t ask me questions you know I’ll have to lie about my answers to.”

             
What else was there to say? Here I was, thinking this was some sort of romantic gesture, maybe even a final plea to get me not to move out and I go and ask a stupid question like that.
How can he still talk to her?
I wondered, even though I was sure I’d never get the guts to ask.

             
“She didn’t take the news too well about Harper and all,” he continued, as if this were a topic we should be able to discuss normally. I said nothing.

             
“I guess it makes sense that it would hurt her. I mean, not that it was my idea for her to get the abortion and all but honestly, I probably would have supported it if she’d let me in on the plan. It feels really shitty to say that but it’s true. I was only sixteen and she was the first girl I ever did anything with.”

             
“Why are you telling me this?” I demanded, putting my fork down and staring him straight in the eye. He stared back.

             
“You asked me if I still talked to her.”

             
“I did and you answered already. Why are you telling me how she feels about Harper?”

             
“Because it’s all connected,” he replied. “And she feels bad about talking to you those two times over the summer. She knew it was you and she knew how wrong it was but she felt like she had to see Harper. That might not make any sense to you, but -”

             
“It makes perfect sense,” I interrupted. “She wanted to see what she could have had.”

             
“Yes,” he agreed. “And it made her depressed. That’s why she didn’t leave when she was supposed to. She dropped out of college,” he added.

             
“Hm,” I replied, staring at my food and wondering how I was going to get another bite in.

             
“I’m not telling you any of this to hurt you, Lainey.”

             
“Okay.”

             
“I’m telling you because I want to be completely open and honest with you. That’s the only way we’re ever going to get through this, raise Harper and get everything else figured out.”

             
“Okay.”

             
“Say something other than okay.”

             
“Fine.”

             
He sighed and I looked back at him, determined not to let his sudden desire for openness ruin the evening, whatever the evening was supposed to be. “Why do you still talk to her?”

             
“Because I care about her.”

             
“Yeah, I got that impression.”

             
“I never loved her the way I love you,” he said and I tried not to focus on the fact that he said love in the present tense, not past. He still loved me. But then again I knew that, didn’t I?

             
“That doesn’t make any sense, Adam. Why would you cheat on the person you love with someone you claim you never loved?”

             
“I never said that. I did love Natalie and if you want me to be brutally honest, I always will. She was my first girlfriend and the person I lost my virginity to. She would have been the mother of my baby but that didn’t happen. I never loved her the
way
I love you and not nearly as much. It’s completely different.”

             
“Great,” I said.

             
“Stop being sarcastic.”

             
“Well what do you want? I’m not exactly going to do jumping jacks over your ability to decipher the differences between forms of love.”

             
“You’re being defensive.”

             
“I am not.”

             
The waiter came then and I asked for a container for my leftovers. He frowned at my mostly full plate but obediently walked away from the table. I could feel Adam staring at me and decided to punish him by not looking at him for the rest of dinner. I was silently kicking myself for asking a question I should have known I wouldn’t like the answer to.

             
It became obvious five minutes into the car ride that we weren’t heading home. “I want to go see my baby,” I said, breaking the silence that had lasted nearly half an hour.

             
“Soon,” he said.

             
“Before she goes to bed,” I argued. “I like tucking her in.”

             
“And you’ll get to do that tomorrow and every night until she’s old enough to tell you she can do it herself. My mom’s got it handled.”

             
“I want to see my daughter,” I insisted and had no idea why I was being like this. Everything he’d said about Natalie earlier made me feel unsettled and more confused than before. I’d thought I was okay with our break up. Okay with the idea of moving on starting tomorrow. Maybe I’d been wrong all this time. Or maybe I just didn’t want him to be with Natalie because she was the one that had taken him from me in the first place.

             
“You know she’s going to wake up as soon as she notices we’re home,” he said calmly. “You will see her tonight. I have somewhere to take you first.”

             
Twenty minutes later we pulled into the all-familiar parking lot. He had taken me to our beach. The place where we’d spent much of our first summer together, where he told me he loved me for the first time. Where we decided we were going to keep Harper. Where he proposed to me, exactly one year to the day.

             
“Adam,” I said nervously, but he was already getting out of the car. He walked around to the side and opened mine. I had no choice but to get out and follow him wherever he was planning on leading me.

             
We walked silently towards the sand and once we reached it I instinctively reached down and took my shoes off, tossing them back towards the parking lot. I’d find them again when I needed to. Adam did the same and then reached for my hand.

             
We walked towards the ocean and this time didn’t stop before the sand got wet. We walked along the harder, wet and surprisingly very cold sand hand in hand, no words spoken between us.

             
And then finally, the silence got to be too much.

             
“Why here?”

             
“It seemed appropriate.”

             
“Nothing about this night is appropriate.”

             
“I’m sorry about dinner. I know I got carried away but I needed to see your reaction.”

             
“Oh okay. How did you like it?” I asked sarcastically.

             
“It wasn’t what I’d expected.”             

             
I almost laughed. “You didn’t think I’d be a little upset, hearing about how you still talk to the girl you cheated on me with? The girl that seems to be related to every secret you’ve ever kept from me?”

             
“No. Honestly I didn’t.”

             
“Why?” I stopped walking and he had no choice but to stop alongside me. He stepped in front of me, taking both of my hands this time and looked directly into my eyes.