The Heart of Tomorrow (Book Two) (The Tomorrow Series 2) (22 page)

I don’t know if Drew could even hear my mumbled words, but when he wrapped me in his arms, pulling me close to him, I knew he understood. This time he didn’t try and tell me everything would be okay. He didn’t patronize me that way. He simply held me and together we grieved for the little life we’d never know.

~~~

The doctor had been right. I’d needed a D and C. The whole scenario seemed surreal and I checked out through the procedure, closing my eyes and pretending the doctor wasn’t scraping out the last bits of the life I’d been carrying inside of me. I’d only been given local anesthesia, so I was awake throughout the whole thing. Drew wanted to stay by my side, but I couldn’t have him there and I noticed how hurt he looked when I asked him to wait outside. I was in recovery for a few hours and I did want Drew there for that.

He looked timid when he walked into the room, moving slowly until he was at my side. He took my hand and then kissed me on the forehead before sitting down beside me. I was exhausted from everything and it didn’t take long for me to drift off to sleep.

I was relieved when I was told I could go home and even more relieved when I actually stepped across the threshold of the apartment. It was nearly ten o’clock and even though I’d slept at the hospital, I was ready for bed. I walked straight to the bedroom and I could hear Drew’s footsteps behind me. I set my purse down on the bed and looked around. The last time I was in this room, everything was okay. I had no idea when I left to go dress shopping with Court how much my life would change.

Drew was behind me a moment later, his hands resting on my shoulders as he pulled me into him.

“What can I do?” he asked softly.

“I just want to go to bed,” I said, inching away from his embrace and making my way to the dresser, pulling out my pajamas.

“Do you need any help?” he asked, but I shook my head.

“I’m okay.”

I went into the bathroom, closing the door and numbly changing out of the sweatpants Court had purchased for me while I was having the procedure. I couldn’t have worn the blood stained pants I’d had on.

I went through the motions of getting ready for bed: brushing my teeth and hair and washing my face. As I patted it dry, I glanced into the mirror. I couldn’t recall ever seeing my reflection look so sad because I’d never felt a sadness like this. I’d never laid eyes on my baby. I’d never heard it cry. I’d never felt its skin or heard its laugh, but it didn’t mean I’d loved it any less and now I was left with ideas about what might’ve been and who my baby could’ve become.

I looked away before I could cry again and walked into the bedroom. The covers were turned down on my side and a glass of water was sitting on my nightstand. Drew was putting on his t-shirt for bed and turned around when he heard me walk in.

“Thank you,” I said, gesturing towards the water and he smiled hesitantly at me, walking over and taking my hand, leading me to the bed.

I climbed under the covers and he pulled the blanket over me before sitting down on the edge beside me. He brushed a few strands of hair from my forehead before kissing me, his lips lingering on my skin for a few moments before pulling back.

“You need your rest, Natalie, and I’m here for whatever you need.”

“I know,” I said softly, trying to smile as I reached up and rested my palm on his cheek. “I just want to sleep.”

“Then sleep, baby.”

He kissed me again and I turned on my side, but he didn’t leave. He sat with me, rubbing my back until I was asleep.

~~~

When I woke up the next morning, I found Drew in his spot beside me, still sleeping. I wondered how long he’d stayed at my side before taking his place in our bed. His sleep didn’t look peaceful. He looked troubled and my heart hurt for him. He’d only been thinking of me yesterday and in my grief, I hadn’t asked him how he was coping.

I didn’t give a thought to the time when I raised my hand and grazed my fingers across his cheek. He didn’t move at first, but then his eyelids began to flutter and slowly open. They looked especially green when they landed on mine.

“Natalie,” he said, his throat low and scratchy. I could tell he was still tired and when I finally looked at the time, I knew why. It wasn’t even six o’clock and I could only guess what time he’d actually gone to sleep. “How’re you feeling, baby?”

“I’m all right. A little sore, but I’m okay.”

“Do you need something? What can I get you?” he asked, sitting up, but I took his arm, stopping him. “What is it?”

He laid back down, resting his head on the pillow, the same as mine was.

“Yesterday,” I began quietly as our eyes met. “I never asked you how you were doing and I feel badly about that.”

I watched as he closed his eyes, keeping them shut for a few moments before opening them again.

“Yesterday was the worst day of my life and it hurts. I think it always will,” he said softly.

I think I expected him to tell me the only person who mattered yesterday was me because that’s how he was. My feelings always came first to him. He was a pillar of strength all the time and he never showed weakness. I was glad he wasn’t pretending he was all right.

“I keep thinking about the baby, wondering if we would’ve had a son or a daughter…what it would’ve looked like…what we would’ve named it.”

“I think about that too,” I whispered.

“The worst part about yesterday though was knowing you were hurting and there was nothing I could do to help you.” He ran his fingers over my cheek and I watched as his eyebrows creased in concern. “I need to know you’ll be okay.”

“I keep asking myself why this happened,” I said and my voice trailed off.

“I know we’ve talked about this before, but everything happens for a reason. I’m doing my damndest to understand why
this
happened because it doesn’t make any sense, but I keep telling myself there has to be a reason, even if we don’t see it. Maybe it wasn’t the right time, maybe we weren’t ready…I don’t know, but there’s a reason why this happened and, baby,” he said gently with the first smile not backed by pain, “this isn’t it. It’ll happen again and it’ll be all right.”

Something about the conviction in his voice told me to believe him. Right now, there didn’t seem to be a logical reason for losing our baby, but I knew there had to be one and I hoped someday I’d learn what it was.

“I didn’t realize it could hurt this much,” I whispered. “One minute I was pregnant and then another…I wasn’t. I feel empty.” I tried holding back the tears, but it was no use. He pulled me to him and I cried, praying someday the sudden hollowness inside me would be only a memory.

Thirty-Two

No one knew about the baby and I wanted it that way. I told work I’d had to have emergency gall bladder surgery instead of the truth. I didn’t want the sympathetic looks and people feeling sorry for me the way I knew would happen if they knew the truth. My baby was gone, so it didn’t matter anyway. I stayed home for a few days and then returned to work and life went on.

One evening while waiting for Drew to get home, my phone buzzed with a notification and I picked it up to find an email from the wedding planner. My mind had been anywhere but on the wedding since I lost the baby. The few days I’d been home recuperating, I tried occupying myself so I couldn’t think about it. I read. I watched too much TV. I even organized closets and dressers that didn’t need organizing…anything to keep my mind busy. My plan worked better than I expected during the day, but at night it was another story. In the darkness, I was reminded of what I’d lost and sleep was sometimes impossible. After three days of the struggle, I went to the pharmacy where I purchased a bottle of Tylenol PM. That night I slept like a rock. Not because I didn’t think about the baby, but because I couldn’t fight the medicine and I was grateful for that.              

The email had jostled me back to reality though. It was a question regarding flowers and as I looked at the pictures of lilies and tulips, I knew my heart wasn’t into the wedding. The diamond was heavy on my finger and the hollow pit in my stomach grew wider as I realized I couldn’t marry Drew right now. We’d only hastened the marriage because I was pregnant. I wasn’t pregnant anymore and with the current state of my being, I was in no shape to get married. I just hoped Drew would understand.

He walked in from work, looking stressed. He was good about not bringing work home, but tonight appeared to be an exception. He set his briefcase down and kissed me on the head without a word before going straight to the kitchen. I heard him pull out a glass and when I turned my head to see what he was doing, I saw him pouring himself a glass of scotch. He rarely drank hard liquor, which indicted to me that my initial observation had been correct.

“Rough day?” I asked as he walked towards me, setting the glass on the coffee table before sitting down beside me. He sighed deeply as he took my hand and leaned against the couch, closing his eyes for a moment.

“That’s an understatement.”

“Can I ask what happened?”

“California’s what happened. Worst decision we ever made. Should’ve just let them implode and focused our attention here in New York. Damn Taylor.” He leaned forward, taking a quick drink before looking over to me. “I’m sorry, Natalie. I shouldn’t come home and lambast you with my shitty day.”

“I don’t mind, Drew,” I said, scooting closer and linking my hands with his.

“How’re you feeling?” he asked and I noticed the way his eyes drifted to my stomach. We didn’t talk much about it, but he would always ask how I was and when I needed him to hold me, he would, no questions asked.

“I’m fine,” I said, which was a lie. Physically I was fine. I wasn’t sore anymore and according to the doctor, my body would heal and I’d more than likely conceive again and have a healthy pregnancy. That reassurance did little to alleviate the ache in my soul for the child I’d lost. “What has you so troubled at work?” I asked, genuinely curious as to what had him so spun up.

“I swear I’m the only competent architect in the bunch,” he said with a quiet laugh.

“What happened?”

“The Cedars-Sinai project,” he told me.

“I thought that was under control.”

“Me too.”

“It’s not?”

“No and Dr. Reynolds is threatening to pull our contract unless I come back until the groundbreaking begins. She said when I left it turned to shit and after doing some investigating, I’d have to say she’s right. I’m not sure what the hell’s gotten into Taylor since he went to L.A. Perhaps it’s too much sun or too many fake tits, but something’s not right with him.”

“What’re you going to do?”

“I can’t go back to L.A. right now. We have the wedding in two weeks. I’ll have to think about making a trip out there when it’s over,” he said and I must’ve remained quiet for too long because he sat up, looking at me curiously. “What is it, Natalie?”

I took a deep breath, swallowing hard before I could bring myself to address the wedding, but I finally mustered my courage.

“I’ve been thinking about the wedding,” I began nervously and I watched as he sat a little straighter, his eyebrows creased in curiosity.

“What about it?”

“We only rushed the wedding because of the baby…but now…now that’s not an issue anymore.” My voice was quiet and it cracked as the words came out. I felt his grip on my hand loosen as he waited for me to continue. “With everything that’s happened…I don’t think…I’m just not in the right frame of mind to get married so quickly. My mind is everywhere and it still hurts, Drew. Every day it hurts and I do everything I can not to think about losing the baby, but it’s always on my mind, even when I force myself not to think about it. It’s always there,” I choked out as I wiped a tear from my cheek. “And I don’t want to feel like this when we say our vows. I want it to be the happiest day of our lives, but right now…there’s too much sadness.”

My voice trailed off and he remained quiet, positioning himself so he was facing me. He rested his hand on my thigh and began rubbing it gently with his thumb. I waited anxiously for his reaction. He seemed calm…understanding almost.

“You’re right,” he finally said, looking away for a moment before bringing his eyes back to mine.

“You’re not upset?”

“No,” he said, squeezing my thigh. “I feel the same way, but I didn’t want to upset you. I only want you to be happy and if postponing the wedding will help, then I say we do it. We’ll do it when we’re ready. When things have calmed down at work. When you’ve decided what you’re doing,” he said and then his voice dropped. “When it doesn’t hurt so much.”

“Thank you for understanding,” I whispered and he reached up, using the pad of his thumb to wipe my tears.

“When we get married, there won’t be an ounce of despair and right now, we have to find a way to cope with this and move past it. But, I can assure you, Natalie, that when I do marry you, it will be the most perfect day. I promise you that.” I saw the familiar smile spread on his face, warm and safe, and I knew his words were true. I leaned towards him, kissing him softly before pulling back. “Now, despite my foul mood earlier, I did get some news I was hoping would cheer you up,” he said, piquing my curiosity immediately. “The shit hit the fan just as I was preparing to leave for the day and I allowed my frustrations to wallow rather than coming home to share the news.”

“What news?” I asked impatiently.

“The performing arts center you helped me design is complete. The grand opening is in a week. I think we should go.”

“Of course we should go!” I said with the first bits of excitement I’d shown in many days.

“I knew that would cheer you up.”

“It’ll be awesome seeing the building come to life.”

“It gives me chills every time, but this one will be especially meaningful,” he said, kissing the back of my hand. “Because without you, it wouldn’t have come to fruition.” His eyes looked into mine and the corners of his mouth curled up before he began speaking again. “I can still remember that night. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. Tashawa was being relentless and then you stepped in, telling me exactly what I needed to hear. We were still getting to know each other then, but even so, it took all my power not to kiss you that night.” His thumb was running over my bottom lip slowly and I could see the longing in his eyes as his body inched closer to mine. “I’ve missed you, Natalie,” he said softly, resting his forehead against mine as his hand inched up my side. “I want to touch you again.”

His lips pressed cautiously against mine. Chastely at first, the only type of kiss we’d shared since the miscarriage. I could sense his trepidation as his lips began moving more forcefully over my mouth, his tongue eventually sliding inside. I’d missed him too. I’d missed the feeling of him, the smell of him, the taste of him and it all came flooding back to me. As I returned his fervor, I forgot for a few moments about the pain of the last few weeks. It was only us. Drew and me. His hand crawled under my shirt and began making its way higher and as he cupped my breast, I was suddenly pulled back to the present.

“I can’t,” I whispered and he stopped, his hand continuing to rest on me before he pulled back.

“It’s been nearly three weeks,” he sighed. “It’s safe. You’ve healed.”

His hand started moving again as his lips went to my neck, kissing it slowly. I could feel how much he wanted me. I wanted him too. As he touched me, I could feel myself responding, longing for his touch that had been absent too long, but as his hand slid into the waistband of my pants, I couldn’t and I reached up, grabbing his hand and stopping him. He froze for a moment and then stared at me, an alarmed look on his face.

“What is it, Natalie?”

“I can’t,” I whispered.

“Why can’t I touch you?” Our eyes met and I was taken aback by the hurt on his face. “I ache for you, Natalie.”

I squeezed his hand, not knowing how I could explain to Drew the feelings inside of me. The emptiness of the baby was still there and as much as I ached for him too, I wasn’t ready. I was afraid and I couldn’t explain why because I didn’t understand it myself.

“I’m not ready,” I finally said, my voice barely above a whisper. “I need more time. Please understand. I’m sorry,” I said, tears filling my eyes as I stood up to walk away, unable to face him. He grabbed my hand though and I stopped, turning to look at him through my wet eyes.

“I love you, Natalie. Don’t push me away,” he pleaded, but I couldn’t reply. I pulled my hand from his and wiped away my tears as I retreated to our bedroom.