The Heart's Ashes (23 page)

I gave my head
a little crack on the rock as if maybe it would knock some sense
into me. It didn’t. It only hurt. No matter what I try to do to
make things better, to make sense of things, all I do is cause
hurt. Perhaps they’d all be better off without me. I looked at the
lake, at the rushing swirls of the rising water, fighting against
the storm to stay calm. Perhaps they’d all be better off if I just
launched myself into the lake—let the wintry cool of the water
overtake me and set me free from all this. I could eternally rest
in the place I know David will return one day.

And I know
he’d find my body. But would he tell Mike, would he give them
closure so they’d know what had happened to me? Or would he keep it
a secret so no one would investigate this lake?

I wonder how
long they’d miss me—how long they’d search for me.

I sighed,
knowing deep inside that it wouldn’t be long. Not now. Not now that
Mike has Emily. He’d be able to move on sooner than he would
before. At least I know he’d be okay. Everyone would now. I’d
stayed alive long enough to see them all move on—to see them all
realise they could cope without me; Dad and Vicki, they had each
other, Mike and Emily would get married, have kids, and there would
be no one else to care.

Everyone I
loved in my life is either dead, or moved on.

“
Or dying of heartache every day because they can’t be with
you.”

I looked to
the side, to a pair of heavy black boots sitting loosely around the
cuff of jeans, shaded by a thick, heavy trench coat. A flicker of
fear raced through me for a heartbeat until I looked all the way up
to the side of his shoulders and jaw, lit by pale moonlight. And
even through tear-soaked eyes, I knew his face. “David!” I launched
to my feet, stumbling back against the rock.

“
Why would you think like that, Ara?”

The gristly,
solid feel of rock under my palm grounded me. I traced my finger
along it to know I was awake.

“
David. Are you real?”

“
Ara, tell me why you would think those things.”

Before the
boiling ache of desperation had the chance to inform my heart of
his presence, my body flung, at full speed, into his—I wrapped
myself around his neck and squeezed, letting the tears fall like an
army of marching raindrops; my breath gasping as I held tightly
around his neck, scrambling to wrap my legs around him. “Oh, David,
David. Please be real—please really be here.”

“
Ara.” He cupped his hands to my ribs and gently pushed me off
him. “Ara. Stop. Don’t do this.”

Stepping back,
my mouth falling loosely open, I looked up at his perfect square
jaw, his smooth, flowing locks, and those intense, sharply-focused
eyes. “Why won’t you hold me?”

“
I can’t be here. I shouldn’t have talked to you. I
just—”

His words
meant nothing to me. Realisation rose up from my chest and squeezed
my insides like a tight, heavy burden. I stumbled back and slid
down the rock until the earth caught me at the base. “How could you
do that? How could you show yourself and not be willing to hold
me?”

“
Oh, come on, Ara. Be fair.”

“
Fair?” I scoffed, my voice breaking. “Just leave,
David.”

“
I only wanted to stop you—from thinking those
thoughts.”

“
What thoughts?” As our eyes met and the fact that he’d been
listening all this time became apparent, I shook my head, looking
away. “It’s true, David. I am better off dead.”

“
No!” He dropped to his knees and cupped my chin. “You don’t
get to decide that. You still belong to me.”

“
I belong to no one—especially not you. You gave me away,
remember?” I bit my quivering lip.

“
I’m only trying to do what’s right.” He dropped his
hand.

“
Well, everything you’ve done so far has been what’s
right—for
one
of
us.”

“
Don’t say that. You know how I feel about you.”

“
Do I?” I pushed him away with my forearm as I used the rock
to help me stand, then swiftly marched over to the lip of the lake.
“What’re you even doing here, David? I thought you were off
somewhere with the monster.” I turned to look back at him, but
there was only empty space there, making my shoulders drop. I’d
imagined him. Again.

“
No, you didn’t.”

“
Ah! You scared me.”

“
Sorry.” He smiled from beside me, keeping his eyes on the
lake, his hands behind his back.

I was forced
to smile too, allowing warmth into the moment for the first
time.

“
You have mud on your jeans, did you know?” he said in a
playful tone.

“
Stop it. Don’t talk to me like everything’s okay.”

David looked
at my hand then and frowned. “Why don’t you wear your wedding
ring?”

It started as
a lump in my throat and grew into a very large, very full laugh; I
folded over, shaking my head as I looked up at the moon. “Boy, you
have been gone, haven’t you?”

“
Ara.” He gave me the glare of a warden to a psyche patient.
“I’m really confused.”

“
I didn’t marry him.” I held up my hand. “I ran away—left him
at the altar. Why do you think I’m not in Oz?”

David stood
silent, dropping his face slowly into his hand.

“
What? Do you have a problem with that?” I asked.

“
I—” He closed his eyes and shook his head. “I’ve been so
tortured, imagining you this past year—in his arms, having his
baby—
happy
. It
killed me to think you were happy—without me.” He looked at me
then.

I looked away. “Don’t worry, I can empathise with
that
.”

The long
breath he let out was loud enough to carry the gentle bass in his
voice; he looked sideways at me, a smile lighting the corners of
his eyes. “You were supposed to be moving on. What happened, and
why can I smell Mike on you if you’re not together?”

My lip
quivered. I pressed them together, but they turned down like a
falling crescent moon.

“
Ara? What’s wrong? What happened?”

A hundred
images of golden flesh, strong hands, flowing blonde hair and
Mike’s face, as I saw what I saw, flashed into my mind like photos
taken in a studio. I looked up at David, wanting to tell him but so
ashamed of myself for feeling the way I did, too. When our eyes
met, seeing the kindness and love there that still belonged only to
me, I just couldn’t control it any longer. All the hate I had for
him when he left me just slipped away to understanding; he pushed
me into Mike’s arms, and now, I could finally see why he was so
torn that I actually went. I told Mike to move on, but that’s not
what I wanted. Not really.

“
Emily and Mike? Really?”

I sniffed.
“Mm-hm.”

“
Oh, Ara.” He appeared in front of me then, cupping one hand
in the nape of my neck, barely able to mask the smile on his face
as seriousness. “I have never been so happy to hear that you’ve
been miserable.”

I looked at
his eyes again and smiled. “That’s not very nice, you know.”

He smiled
simply. “You know what I mean.”

“
Sadly, I do.”

His fingers
inched further into my hair, tangling a little. “I thought I left
you happy. I—I thought you could just happily move on.”

“
Then you don’t know me very well.”

He laughed.
“Do you know what a relief it is to me that you can’t move on?”

I did, because
I’d feel just as relived if he couldn’t move on.

“
Do you really think I
could
?”

I was confused
for a second until I realised he must’ve read my thought.
“Yes.”

His jaw stiffened, as did his fingers, becoming almost
restricting, like he wanted to pull me close, but wouldn’t. “I
regretted leaving you the
second
I closed that door in the hospital. All I wanted
was to take it back. All I wanted was to find a way for us to be
together. I never stopped searching, Ara. When I found a way—and I
won’t tell you what that is—I went back for you.” He looked deep
into my eyes. “Do you now that? I went back for you. But you were
happy. You stood there, looking like an angel in that dress, and
you said goodbye to me.”

“
No.” I shook my head, pushing his hand off my face. “No,
David. I wasn’t happy. You were in my thoughts all day. It took
everything in me to say goodbye to you. If I’d known you wanted me
still—that there was still hope, I would’ve ditched the damn
bouquet and come with you.”

“
Then why did you say…?” His lips sat parted as confusion sunk
the muscles in his cheeks.

“
Because I thought I
had
to move on—I was trying to be strong.
You
should have
known.”

“
I—” I could actually see the same shock I felt when I found
out about Lilithians flood through him as he realised he could have
had me all this time. “I was just so broken, Ara. When you left the
locket by the rose, I—” He stopped talking and pressed a fist to
his lips.

“
How could you ever think I wanted to move on?” I tugged his
hand away from his mouth—a little too roughly.

“
I thought you hated me. I left you. I walked away when you
needed me more than you ever have before. I failed you, Ara.” He
took both my hands. “I failed you and I didn’t know how to make
that better.”

“
And you thought one mistake would make me hate you enough to
want to forget you?”

“
Yes.”

“
Would it work that way in reverse?”

He smiled.
“No.”

Breathing in,
I shook my head. “Why are you here, David? Why are you even talking
to me?”

“
Well, I wasn’t going to—until I heard what you were
thinking.” He took my fingertips. “Would you rather I didn’t talk
to you?”

“
Yes—if you’re going to leave again.”

“
Really?” he asked, his eyes narrowing.

“
David. It’s too much for me. I’m dead.” I dropped his hand
and gently gripped my hair at the top of my skull. “I died the day
you left me. I can’t do this anymore. Either you stay—or I
die.”

“
Tell me you don’t mean that?” He caught my gaze, his soul
reaching out from beyond his eyes, trying to comprehend what I’d
said.

“
I’m sorry. I do.”

“
What happened to you?” His whole body screamed
disappointment. “What happened to the girl who once said that your
life is made up of mistakes—that they make you who you are—happy,
or sad, or—”

“
She’s dead, David.” My fist tightened in my hair. “She died
the day your brother came and—”

“
Ara, Ara?” He bundled me into his arms and held me tight.
“Don’t say things like that, please—don’t say that.”

“
Why? Does it hurt you to know how your own brother destroyed
my life—how, when I needed you, you left me alone, and it killed
me? Bit by bit, it
killed
me.” I pushed off from his chest, studying his
face.

“
I know. I know it did, and I—”

“
I know you’re sorry. I know you wish it hadn’t happened—that
Jason hadn’t done that, but no matter how hard I try, I
can’t
let it go.” I
tapped my head with a sharp finger. “I can’t forget, and I don’t
hate you, David. I don’t hate you but I’m so hurt.
So
hurt.” My voice
disappeared under sadness as I pressed my palm to my
chest.

His mouth
opened to speak, but nothing came out.

It occurred to
me then that none of this was relevant. Nothing changed. Just
because he knew the pain I was in, didn’t mean he was going to
stay. He couldn’t stay—I knew this much—the Set, the laws,
the...punishments.

But I didn’t
care. I really just didn’t care anymore.

“
You’re right,” he said, toughening up. “That doesn’t change
things. I
can’t
stay.”

“
I know. But you know what hurt the most, David? Out of
everything that happened?”

He looked at
me cautiously, shaking his head. “Please don’t.”

I opened my
mouth, determined to tell him what he didn’t want to hear. “You
asked me to give up my life for you—but you won’t give up anything
for me.”

He took a
quick step toward me. “I won’t give them something else that I
love. Something else to take from me, something else good to
destroy.”

Those words
resonated in my thoughts for a second. When he reached for my
fingertips, I pulled away and stepped back. “So that’s it?” I said,
swallowing all the useless emotions. “You’re not back, are
you?”

He shook his
head. “You knew that.”

“
Fine.” A surge of rage moved my arms; I shoved him, with all
my heart and soul driving my hands. “Just go! If you’re going to do
it—do it now. Spare me one more second of seeing your
face.”

“
Ara, please?”

“
No! Just go—just leave me to die, David.” I ran for the lake
and stepped out into the icy cool, losing my breath to the chill in
two layered intakes, unable to catch it for a second as the water
touched my waist.