The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (26 page)

Rewards Come to Those Who Wait

Psychologist Walter Mischel, Ph.D., conducted a longitudinal study at Columbia University with four-year-old preschoolers that measured their ability to wait and resist the temptation to have some candy. The children’s waiting ability ranged from a few seconds to more than five minutes. These same children were studied again as teenagers. Those who tolerated longer waits as children had higher SAT scores as teens. They had more advanced social and cognitive abilities. And they were able to tolerate stress and frustration better than their peers. The researchers concluded that there is a vital link between a young child’s ability to wait, and his later emotional and cognitive capacities. What many parents see as a disadvantage—innies’ inhibition—is also the advantage of self-control; the built-in ability to wait. This ability gives introverted children a solid foundation they can use as adults to reach their academic and life goals.

Innies enjoy polishing their ideas and impressions, letting them steep
. If stumped, they prefer to do Internet research, watch a video, or read a book and perhaps discuss it with a trusted person. Before doing anything in public—even in front of one single person—they want to prepare and practice. In one school’s annual Shakespeare production, Veronica, a twelve-year-old innie, did an amazing job in the role of King Lear. Even her mother was stunned.
She had no idea how completely Veronica had mastered the lines; she had done it entirely on her own.

Innies appreciate feedback and input from others only when they feel they fully understand the concept themselves
. They like the stimulation of others’ ideas, but the timing needs to be right. Too much input in the formulating stage can stall their process and ruin their ability to puzzle something through to its completion. Innies are sensitive to input that they feel disregards or minimizes the time and effort they have expended to arrive at their conclusions. If they feel that their ideas are appreciated, then they like to collaborate and expand or combine their ideas.

Classroom Pitfalls for Innies

Classrooms can be overstimulating
. The traditional classroom setting is not designed to bring out the best in innies. Many classrooms are crowded and noisy—too much commotion, too much bright light, too much pressure, and, it seems, too much of everything. Innies may not get the chance to catch their breath and reflect, concentrate on what they’re doing, or prepare before it’s time to submit their work to scrutiny.

Teachers may misunderstand innies
. Most elementary and secondary teachers are themselves extroverts; this makes sense since teachers need tons of energy to make it through even an ordinary school day. Most teachers don’t understand innies. They equate “smart” with “fast.” Studies show that teachers tend to ask a question and move on in a few seconds if a student doesn’t provide the answer. Innies often feel like they are in a race where they can’t keep up. Unfortunately, in such environments, only a tiny bit of an introverted child’s talents and abilities is seen.

Teachers or classmates who don’t understand innies may feel rejected by them. Some teachers will misinterpret an innie’s behavior, thinking that a child is rebellious, unintelligent, apathetic, or
won’t or can’t communicate. Some teachers may feel frustrated because they think they are failing to reach such a child. What’s sad is the way that others construe an innie’s tendency to draw inward as a negative—as a rejection. Actually, the child is most likely trying to process and integrate the material presented to him. An introverted child’s outward behavior does not necessarily reflect what’s going on in his mind.

Teachers may overlook innies
. Innies are often model students —quiet, focused, and not disruptive, so they may receive less attention while the teacher deals with the rowdy kids.

Moving Through the School Years

“
A sense of curiosity is nature’s original school of education.” —Smiley Blanton, M.D
.

When we think of school, we tend to think of reading, writing, and ’rithmatic, maybe with a little science and history thrown in. But school is more than just academics. Your
whole
child goes to school. And many factors besides what’s written on the blackboard affect how your child learns: emotional ups and downs, a sense of fitting in, having friends, energy levels, and relationships with teachers, to name a few. Here is a brief rundown of how your introverted child progresses through the educational system. Knowing what’s up—and what’s ahead—will help you advocate for her.

Preschool

For innies, preschool is about learning how to self-regulate while extroverting without parental help. Introverted kids are learning to handle themselves in unfamiliar territory, expanding their relationships outside the comfort zone of their immediate family, and
discovering how to modulate their energy, emotions, and stimulation levels.

Introverted children usually start preschool around three. Starting out with a limited schedule, say, three mornings a week, provides consistency yet allows for plenty of quiet time at home. A small preschool usually works best with no more than ten to fourteen children per class, and at least two teachers. A well-structured, predictable program will allow your innie to settle in easily. It’s helpful if there’s a quiet corner or nook. A well-trained preschool staff understands individual temperaments and knows the developmental tasks children are mastering at each stage of growth; they are trained to work specifically with preschool children. You ought to be allowed to stay until your child is comfortable. A good teacher knows that some children need to ease into the class, slowly learning to manage the separation, and will allow you to stay until your child is comfortable. Usually innies need to ease into school transitions, especially if they have stressors, such as a new sibling. It may take a week for some children and several weeks for others. Even after a break, say, returning from an illness or vacation, they may need a bit of reentry help.

Bring your child to see the school before starting, perhaps visit the playground on the weekend, and discuss the upcoming adventure. Throughout the year, help your innie prepare for any upcoming transition, such as holidays and the end of school.

Keep talking with your innie during your daily chat time about what’s happening at school. Is she concerned about anything? Ask your child about his day when he is rested, and encourage him to share something he is excited about with the rest of the family: “Hey, I heard the snake wrangler came today! Can you tell us about it?” Be sure to let him rest after school.

Keep communication lines open with the teachers. Encourage the teacher to invite others to play with your child if he frequently plays alone. If the teacher reports that your child doesn’t speak up when another child takes his toys or knocks over his blocks, practice
similar scenarios at home. Pick a time when your innie is rested and suggest playing blocks. You can make a move to knock over the blocks and suggest that he say, “Hey, don’t do that!” Switch roles, and then model a way to shift the situation to cooperative play, inviting him to make a block bridge next to yours. Speak out loud about your own playground tussles. This helps innies learn that others also grapple with what to do in these situations.

Innies are sometimes frustrated with other kids who can’t play longer and who behave impulsively. This presents a good opportunity to discuss how each child has her unique temperament and develops at her own pace. Discuss with your innie that she has strengths in this area, just as other kids who might be more impulsive right now have their own special talents.

Kindergarten

Five is a prime social year for all children, and most children are delightful at this age. Innies are learning to compare and contrast their inside world and the outside world, striving to make sense of the kids, the teacher, and what they are learning, and to put their own thoughts and ideas into action. They are taking in and integrating new experiences. All of this takes lots of fuel.

Innies who didn’t make one or two special friends in preschool usually do so in kindergarten. Now that your innie is more acclimated to school, she is able to apply her observing skills to other children. She sees that some kids are fun to play with, and some are not. She is connecting a child’s behavior with his or her intentions, and learning to handle conflicts.

Many innies, especially those with older siblings, are anxious to go to “big” school. Have your innie visit the school before the first day. Check out the whole school, including the bathrooms, the cafeteria, and the office. Point out children having fun in class. If a friend or older sibling attends the school, let your innie visit at a holiday party or other fun, casual time. Encourage her to say hello to the teacher during the visit.

The biggest challenge for innies is the increasing pressure to learn in an environment that isn’t conducive to their hardwiring. Sometimes they want to go back to their old school. Help your child adapt by acknowledging her experience. “I know it’s noisy and hard to think.” Help her find solutions. Encourage her to brainstorm with you: “What do you think will help?” Innies come up with great ideas.

As she becomes more comfortable in class, suggest she take a small gift like a flower or card and give it to the teacher. (It’s okay if she wants you to help her approach the teacher.) If your family goes on a vacation, bring back small tokens of the trip, such as pretty seashells, for your innie to give to the whole class. This models valuing her class and lets her express that she feels part of the group. Plan brief playdates with children she enjoys. Keep up daily chats with your innie so she can hash out thoughts and feelings about school. This also gives you a chance to interrupt any negative self-talk. Even at this age, innies tend to internalize things, and they easily blame themselves. For instance, you can say, “Are you thinking Nemo II [the classroom fish] died because you did something wrong?” “Yes, my job was to feed him, and I think I must have fed him too much.” “Honey, I’m glad you told me because it wasn’t your fault; Mrs. Clark told me he was a very old fish.”

Elementary School

Entering elementary school is a big leap for innies. The added pressure and subject matter can overwhelm them. They need to be assured that it will get easier (and it will). Innies learn best if they can tie new information to an anchor of something they already know. They build off their foundation of previous lessons and experiences. Innies learn best when material is broken up into digestible, bite-sized pieces. They need lots of practice to learn the fundamentals in creative ways: flash cards, drawing pictures, singing, making up silly rhymes, or reviewing in the car. Help them develop strong phonetic and sight-reading skills, and good math fundamentals. Innies aren’t as strong on short-term memory, which is used for math, so they need lots of practice adding, subtracting, and mastering multiplication
tables. They may be slower to grasp these basics, since they are still learning to manage the stimulation of the classroom. But once they get on solid footing, stand back—especially around third grade—and watch them take off. Many innies begin to really love learning at this stage. Their key challenge is learning to speak up and show what they know.

Talk with your child about his learning preferences. Help him stay organized, so he doesn’t waste energy on anxiety, which only reduces his learning ability. Many innies do better with colored bins and baskets to keep their work organized and in plain sight.

If the teacher mentions that your child doodles, daydreams, or withdraws from class activity, take note. This may mean he is trying to quiet his active brain so he can listen better, or they may be signs of disengaging. If he is disengaging, you may want to talk to him about what is happening: Is he uninterested in the material? Is he confused? Is he overwhelmed? Is he behind? Is the classroom too noisy? Keep up a dialogue with him to help him problem solve.

Middle School

During the middle school years, many innies struggle with feeling different. Your child will need help recognizing her strengths since she is no doubt becoming more aware that she isn’t the American ideal. Encouraging her gifts and her personal interests will help her accept her differentness. The fact is that most kids are outies. Knowing this validates your introverted child’s sense of being different and also frees her to be who she is. Feeling accepted by family and a few friends—plus finding interests that spark her fancy—goes a long way to balance the realization that she may not be the most outgoing or popular student in school.

Middle school consumes lots of energy for innies. They have to manage the increasing pressure of tests and handling several classes at once. This is another period of learning new basic skills—skills they will need for high school and college. One such skill is note taking. Innies’ slower auditory pathway can make this difficult. One
system that works well for innies is the three-column system: Fold a piece of paper into three sections. Show your child how to write main points in one column, more details about those points in the second column, and, after class, make any further comments that seem important in the third column. You can also help her prioritize assignments and break longer projects into shorter steps.

Feeling comfortable socially and emotionally is all entwined with learning—and never more than in the middle school years. Kids at this age may drift away a bit if parents don’t make efforts to maintain a connection. Show an interest in what your child is learning at school. If she is studying famous painters, for instance, take her to a museum or take books out of the library that describe the painters’ lives. Model friendly behaviors that are hard for your innie, such as joining a table full of strangers when you’re at a community event. You can tell your innie, “Let’s squeeze in with those folks.” Then say, “Hi, this is my daughter Gretchen and I’m Lindsey. The food here is great, isn’t it?”