The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (29 page)

As your child gets closer to deciding on a college, keep the process an adventure of discovery. Help your innie use her compare-and-contrast brain to explore the options available to her. Keep the lines of communication open, and discuss all aspects of the upcoming college experience. An introverted teen will take longer to make decisions about college, so start early.

Some factors innies and their parents should consider when choosing a college are the size of the college, its atmosphere and philosophy, communal living, location, selecting a major, and the student population. Larger colleges can be overwhelming and may not offer the Hardiness Zone innies need. I have worked with several innies who chose to attend large, competitive universities, and they were miserable. After freshman year they transferred to smaller colleges where they found like-minded students, felt less overwhelmed, and had more personal contact with instructors. Location can be important because innies may want to come home more frequently at first. A small college town can be less stressful to an innie compared to a large metropolitan city.

Large, competitive institutions that require learning in enormous lecture halls or schools that have reputations for constant partying are generally not the best choices for innies. Smaller colleges often provide a calmer, quieter environment with more serious and dedicated students. Sometimes I’m surprised that parents feel that attending a junior college is less prestigious. But for many innies (and this was true for me) a more laid-back junior college can be a good entry point into
academic life, and many junior colleges have excellent reputations. Living at home for the junior college portion can also serve as a good bridge for introverted coeds. They can transfer to a larger university when they have become more experienced in managing college.

Communal living, studying, and eating can be quite challenging for innies. It’s important for them to have a compatible roommate since they will be squished together in a small room. They need to find private places to recharge and study. Staying on campus on weekends and even holidays when most students leave is a great way for innies to recharge. Today many colleges match roommates for all sorts of reasons including temperament. One study showed that pairing roommates with similar temperaments increased their satisfaction with school and decreased requests for roommate changes by 65 percent.

Studies show that innies take longer to decide on a major. My guess is that this suggests they haven’t been exposed to enough experiences to know their own interests. Again, start early to help them learn what turns them on. Studies also show that in college, innies socialize and date less than outies do. So assure your innie that he doesn’t need to be a social butterfly. Support your child’s interest in furthering his education. Graduate school is the land of innies because of their love of learning and their interest in delving deeper into more specialized subject areas.

The Kids’ Sports Scene

“
Sports don’t build character, they reveal it.” —Heywood Hale Broun

Many people equate “athletics” with competitive team sports. But there is a whole world of outdoor and indoor physical activities, and different children are drawn to different types. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, children shouldn’t play in organized
sports until they are at least six or seven; it sends the wrong message—it puts the focus on highly structured team play and winning. There is often little appreciation for the child’s developing body and individual skills. When sports are organized by adults, kids are expected to be team players much too early. Furthermore, participation in organized sports consumes a child’s time for free play—which is a child’s real job.

Introverted children often like individual sports, such as martial arts, hiking, skating, and kayaking. I worked with one teenager who told me he had reconciled himself to being a nerd. He decided to join the swim team so that he could earn a letter in a sport. This way he could balance some “jock-ness” with his “nerd-ness.” Indeed, he felt more included socially, and he loved the challenge of improving his swim times.

In this era of parents coming to blows over a disputed goal in a child’s game, it can be useful to step back and ask: What is the purpose of sports for children? Be careful not to confuse your interests with those of your child. Taking lessons and playing on teams should help children get some exercise, learn interpersonal and physical skills, gain the experience of team effort, and have the chance to discover what they enjoy. It’s about practice, exploration, and fun; except in the rarest cases, sports will not become a glamorous lifelong career. Let your child try out a sport or a set of lessons to find out what he likes. It may not be the first thing he tries, or the same sport that you enjoyed as a child.

Many innies hate those times at school when kids are picked to be on teams—often they aren’t chosen. Discussing this experience and helping them find a solution is a good idea. Maybe your child can practice the most popular games (kick ball, or four square, for instance) at home first so he will be better at them in school. Developing an individual sport can help innies build their strength and confidence. They may also feel less rejected if they are left off of school teams.

If your innie is on a team, you need to monitor your child’s coaches. Many coaches are appropriate, but some are too harsh and
focus on winning rather than sportsmanship. Parents need to intervene—this is not the point of children being in sports.

A young introverted child I know had taken gymnastics for several years. Mia had always loved it, but suddenly she wanted to quit. She cried and refused even to enter the gym. Her mom was stunned and asked me what she should do. I told Mia’s mother to simply listen to what Mia said. Later, after Mia was calmer, she could try to find out the underlying problems. She could gather facts. I suggested that she talk to the other parents and the coaches and look for other signs of stress in Mia. Had there been any changes, such as a new coach? Was Mia being teased or bullied during lessons? Was there too much pressure? Was she being left out?

It turned out that Mia’s class was moving into more sophisticated levels of skills. As Mia is an innie who tends to be a perfectionist, she was feeling afraid and discouraged. She didn’t think she was doing well enough. She didn’t know that her coach thought she was doing great. Her mother talked to the coach, and asked her to be more overtly encouraging to Mia. She also urged the coach to have Mia talk with some of the other girls on her team who were also nervous about learning the new skills, so that she no longer felt alone in her apprehension. Mia is still in gymnastics.

If your child wants to stop participating in a particular activity, try to find out what’s going on. If, after gathering the facts, you think it’s reasonable that he quit, ask him to pick one thing to stick with until the end of the season or session. And then drop the others. If it’s still not clear what’s going on, have him stay in for two more weeks and see how he feels then.

The Heart of the Matter

•
Explain your innie’s temperament to her teachers
.

•
Help her study for how her brain works
.

•
Remember, proportionately more innies than outies go to college and graduate school
.

CHAPTER 12
Innie Social Savvy

What Friendship Means to Innies and What to Expect as They Travel Through Childhood

“
Friendships multiply joys and divide griefs.” —H.G. Bohn

The social arena is where innie and outie differences show up in bold relief. Extroverts enjoy meeting and talking to lots of different people and generally have a wide range of friends. Innies like other people, but tend to gravitate toward smaller groups and one-on-one situations. The common assumption is that introverts aren’t social. Yet as we’ve seen, innies aren’t necessarily shy, withdrawn, or quiet—especially in comfortable, familiar environments. The confusion stems from the notion that there is just
one
way to be social. Take a look at how we usually regard socializing, which is through an extroverted lens. The criteria include: Is someone popular? Does he have lots of friends? Does he enjoy parties and seek out group activities?

If we take a glimpse through introverted optics, however, we get a different picture: Does your innie have one or two really close
friends? Does he value long-term friendships? Does he enjoy one-on-one conversations on topics that matter to him? Does he care about others’ feelings? It becomes clear that the real story is that introverts and extroverts have opposing social skills and inclinations. Outies excel in the Western cultural ideals of being highly visible and out and about, and they are comfortable chatting with lots of people. Innies shine in the underrated and seemingly invisible up-close-and-personal intimacy skills.

Your introverted child can become poised, confident, and comfortable interacting with other kids and adults—introverted and extroverted alike. These capacities improve with practice and experience. Confident innies understand themselves and know that it’s alright to withdraw when they need to recharge. They know what kinds of friendships and social experiences they value and enjoy. They have a few close friends, yet are friendly with other kids. They are calm in most social situations and believe that they are well liked. They have the ability to shift gears and “extrovert” when needed for social gatherings. However, they do so on their own terms.

Reward Systems

“
The summit of happiness is reached when a person is ready to be what he is.” —Erasmus

As I explained in
Chapter 2
, innies and outies rely on brain pathways that supply different rewards. Extroverted children are designed to be gregarious. Their brains are zapped with “hap hits” from kidding around, teasing, and playing in groups. They take pleasure in fast-paced chatter. They speak openly about most things and like jumping from subject to subject. Interruptions don’t bother them. Physically, outie kids tend to like rough-and-tumble play more than innies do. They think of most kids as pals and have a large circle of friends.

Introverted children enjoy intimate conversations that may involve more complex topics. They like to kick back and chat, with time for pauses and reflection. They get mild but pleasurable “hap hits” when discussing something interesting. Their brains are made for lingering over thoughts and feelings and achieving a deeper understanding of a subject. They speak more slowly and lose their place if they are interrupted. They listen, ask questions, and consider the other person’s ideas. In order to develop these inborn skills, innies need trusting relationships to help them practice the art of conversation. Innies are usually well liked, but they need to know another child well before considering him a friend.

Two Paths Diverge

Introverts’ and extroverts’ hardwiring result in distinct interpersonal needs and divergent social skills. Let’s discuss three crucial ways innies’ and outies’ paths diverge: their views on friendship, their conversational styles, and their energy for socializing.

What Is a Friend?

Innies and outies see friendship differently. To introverted children, the term
friend
means a deeper-than-casual relationship. An example is Kathy, who at age eight has a best friend, Samantha. They love to pretend they are at school and take turns being the teacher and making up homework assignments. They can play for hours, inventing various dramas and scenarios. Kathy and Sam have been friends since they were three. Kathy knows what to expect when Sam comes over. They usually work out difficulties and make compromises easily. They don’t have many arguments. But if Kathy’s extroverted brother, Noah, bugs Sam—as he likes to do—Kathy jumps in to defend her friend. Interestingly, this is something she doesn’t always do for herself. As Kathy gets older, she will want friends who can
talk in depth about topics of interest to her. Already she realizes that friends are good to share and solve problems with.

Introverted children enjoy many types of friends. They can be older or younger; male or female; and of varied cultural backgrounds, religions, and temperaments. A 1999 study in the
British Journal of Social Psychology
found that extroverts rejected strangers who weren’t like them more often than introverts did. Kathy, to take a prototypical innie, has a variety of companions. She sometimes drops in on an older neighbor, Miriam, who lives down the street. Miriam has been showing her how to knit. She also loves visits with her baby cousin, Zach. She gets a kick out of watching him learn about the world. Kathy’s other best friend is Tom, an extroverted, action-packed guy. He is lively, fun, and makes spur-of-the-moment, exciting suggestions, like “Let’s pretend we are the Spy Kids from the movie. We can use my spy gear to see what the kids in the neighborhood are up to.” Kathy’s mom notices that she is really tuckered out after Tom comes over, and so she keeps their playdates short. Innies often gravitate toward outies and they have lots of fun together. But innies need to have innie friends or they can end up feeling tired and pressured to be like outies.

Extroverts use the word
friend
as an innie would use
acquaintance
. Kim, for instance, likes to have her mom set up playdates with school chums and her other friends. But she is just as happy playing with kids she meets at the park or, for that matter, the many children she runs into wherever she goes. Friends of friends, cousins of cousins—anyone is fair game. Outies tend to like other outies; Kim’s best friend is as lively and energetic as she is. They ride bikes, play ball, and skate. They have fun, but sometimes they argue about what to do. (“You got to choose last time!”) As she gets older, Kim will also enjoy lengthy conversations but may not seek them out to the extent that innies do. Outies enjoy playing outdoors, playing board games, roughhousing, and being involved in numerous activities.