The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (31 page)

Begin to help your innie assess friendships. Sometimes innies are attracted to outies but actually play better with innies. “You and Ana enjoy playing dress up and pretend games. But it takes longer for you and Stacy to find something to play. Why do you think that is?” Asking these types of questions in this way helps your child think about what kind of play she is up for, and what kind of friend she’d like to invite over.

Joining groups often remains a challenge for innies. Encourage your child to watch how kids act in both closed and open groups. In closed groups, children stand clumped together. Their bodies are tense, they don’t look at others outside the group, and it’s difficult to catch anyone’s eye. In an open group, children are laughing and smiling. There are spaces between the members; they lean in toward each other and look relaxed. It is not difficult to catch someone’s attention. With your encouragement, your innie can learn to watch, copy, and join in. You can remind her that it often takes more than one try. Many social tries don’t work out the first time, but the next time might be successful.

Caveat:
Don’t limit your innie’s friends to classmates, because she may enjoy younger or older children as well. It may help an innie feel more socially competent and comfortable with her peers to have playmates of different ages. This allows her to try out roles such as leader, follower, expert, and novice.

Ages Nine to Eleven

School-yard politics is now at its height. Peers take on a new importance. Children struggle more with difference, and with how others do or don’t behave. You can help your innie understand social dynamics by encouraging him to reflect on his mixed feelings about other kids. For instance: “I like Michael when he plays by the rules, but I don’t like it when he hogs the ball.”

Remind your innie that it’s okay to enjoy more alone time than many kids his age. And that it’s okay to pick and choose which events to attend or not attend. Nor does he have to stay very long. Discuss
what questions to think about when he’s deciding whether or not to go. Has he had a lot of engagements lately? Has he been hanging around at home so much it’s become habit? If he declines, might a friend feel hurt because this is an important event for him? Does he like the other kids who will be there? This is one of the most difficult aspects of parenting an innie. There needs to be an ongoing dialogue about the pros and cons of going out and staying in. He has to keep assessing: How tired am I? Do I like the kids and the activity? Will I disappoint a good friend if I don’t go?

It’s particularly important to innies now to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance. By taking a one-day-at-a-time approach, your child can practice his skills to increase his network of friends. One day suggest that he try flashing a smile at a stranger, passing a note of encouragement to a friend, saying hi to a new person, congratulating a friend who made a good play during sports, or saving someone a seat. Ask him how it went, and tell him you are proud of him.

Groups are always a challenge for innies, so help your child understand group patterns. Extroverted groups like chitchatting and light topics, and kids may come and go every five to fifteen minutes. These groups are always shifting and changing. Kids begin to feel antsy and want to move on, or the conversation winds down—so don’t take it personally if someone leaves as you arrive. A good choice is a group where kids look like they are having fun, there isn’t much arguing, and everyone is chatting. From a distance of about four to five feet, your child can smile and gauge the other kids’ responses. Do they seem welcoming to a new member? If your child joins the group, she can smile, nod, laugh at jokes, and comment on the topic after a few minutes. She can try to speak in party talk—short, snappy, and light. “I know what you mean”; “That happened to me, too.”

Tweens and Teens

These are the years of heightened pack behavior. They can be pretty brutal. There is a lot of group interaction and pressure to be like the crowd. Friendships may change overnight. It can be painful for any
tween or teen, but innies especially can be hurt and become discouraged. They may not realize that even the most popular kids feel pain about not being liked during these years. Innies need help to understand the pack mentality; otherwise they may withdraw. Encourage your innie to maintain friendly one-on-one relationships with lots of kids. One or two good friends outside the pack will ease the rough patches.

Teenage innies often find a role model they admire outside the family, like a teacher, family friend, or even someone they have read about. It is important for growing innies to draw on a variety of resources to help build and sustain self-awareness and self-esteem.

Here is a teenaged innie talking about her social life:

Talking takes tons of energy since I feel I have to work to capture the other kid’s attention. If I actually figure out what I want to say and I gear up to spit it out—I am often ignored. I get discouraged. Quite often other kids or even adults keep right on talking like I didn’t say anything. Later someone else says the exact same thing and everyone responds. I wonder, What did I do wrong? Then on my way home or the next day I think of a great comeback to a smart-aleck remark or an answer to a question I was asked in class. Where was that when I needed it? I’m not sure if it’s my memory or if I am just empty-headed
.

My friend John said I was “standoffish.” I don’t understand why he thinks that. I guess I am quiet sometimes. Out in the world, sometimes not one word comes into my mind. I like my privacy. I know I keep my face straight and I look at my shoes when I’m trying to gather my thoughts to speak. But I really like other kids. I like to talk about stuff. I wish they didn’t think I was so “mysterious.” I don’t think I am at all!

This offers a sense of how the social world looks to an innie. She is quite engaged with her friends, but sometimes struggles to keep her poise and is confounded by some people’s vision of her as aloof.

Your child might feel independent in many ways but still need you to help her sift and sort out friends’ behavior and attitudes. Encourage, help her practice social skills, and don’t criticize. It is helpful to explain to older innies that there are different types of relating and that kids have different goals for their friendships. This keeps them from making a catastrophe out of a bump in the road with any one friend.

Many innies have good intentions, and they believe that all other kids share these goals. A good friend isn’t nice one day and nasty the next. A good friend cares about you and can tolerate and discuss differences. When children have good will and they want to maintain a friendship, they can work out issues. Teach your innie how to articulate her desires and encourage her to speak up and tell others. Promote her ability to listen to what a friend wants and to negotiate. She can use her innate listening skills, reflect on what a friend says, and work toward a solution. It is very important to begin to develop these skills now, so that when your innie starts dating, she can recognize teens with better intentions.

Teach your innie to trust her feelings. If she is feeling protective or unclear, there must be a reason. If she feels shut down or not listened to, then the friend may be going through the motions of trying to work things out but isn’t really committed. Talk about the importance of acknowledging feelings. When she is upset, show her how to calm down and shift into a problem-solving mode. Innies usually find their own solutions once their feelings are acknowledged. Then you can help clarify the problem and understand what your child wants to do. Comments that are neutral but make her thoughts and feelings clearer are most helpful: “Sounds like you might want Andi to come with you.” “Are you worried she is already going with someone else? Is that right?” “If she has a date already, who else could you ask?”

One particularly destructive social motivation is revenge. During the junior high years, this behavior starts to rear its ugly head. The intent is to hurt the other person. The battle becomes more important than what prompted the fight in the first place. Kids who feel
unsafe and frightened of others may see the world as a war zone. They try to feel okay by getting back at others instead of working through conflicts to find a middle way. Teach your child to detect and stay away from kids who are looking for a sparring partner.

Group interactions and configurations get more elaborate during adolescence, but the same rules hold. If your innie feels like an outsider but is willing to try to join in, it’s best to pick an open group, as described above. Remember that talkative kids need listeners. They will appreciate someone else’s interest. Remember also that social groups don’t hang together very long. They may break up into smaller conversational clusters. Another bit of advice to pass along to your innie: When entering a new group, avoid disagreeing, making one-up statements, changing the topic, or asking personal questions.

Caveat:
Don’t pressure your tween or teen about making friends at school or attending every social event. A quiet child already feels social pressure and usually wishes he weren’t so quiet. Frequent comments about friendships will just make him feel more flawed. There are times he will wish he were more extroverted. Sometimes it is hard for innies to tear themselves away from friends, but they know their energy is waning. At other times they may feel social pressure to stay with the group for fear of feeling like an outsider. Assure him that he’ll have plenty of times to reconnect with friends.

Innies forge relationships based on shared interests and compatibility. You can encourage your child in the social arena by placing a value on meaningful friendship, as opposed to the light banter that many place at the core of social success.

The Heart of the Matter

•
Innies and outies have different social talents
.

•
Innies are skilled with intimacy, maintain long-term relationships, and are fulfilled by deeper conversations
.

•
Teach innies that socializing has patterns that they can learn
.

CHAPTER 13
Encouraging Your Introvert to Flex His Social Muscles

Practice Helps Strengthen Poise and Confidence, Even in Sticky Situations

“
A good friend likes your name so they can write it in bubble letters
.” —
Emily Barnett, age six

While many parents see the social arena as beyond their control, be assured that you can have a strong, positive influence on your introverted child’s social abilities. After all, it is through her daily experiences with you that she learns how to interact with others. One important way for you to help her build social muscle is by valuing and recognizing her social gifts and understanding her social challenges. And through your own example, you can teach social skills and increase her confidence in handling all types of social situations. Over time she will begin to “own” these strengths.

Transition Training

“
One does not make friends. One recognizes them.” —Garth Hendricks

When it comes to innies taking on the social world, transition time is a biggie. Introverted children need time to think about upcoming events in order for them to properly adjust. As I discussed in
Chapter 2
, innies use the brain pathway that preplans a course of action. Then they evaluate the action taken, assessing what just happened in the context of imagined future action. You can help smooth the way by preparing your innie for transitions into social events. He will need to ponder the upcoming encounter, store energy, and gear up to shift to an external focus. The more he knows about what lies ahead, the less of a fuel drain it is. If you don’t prepare him, he may devote energy to anticipating how the future will be and get anxious. He may also build up expectations, only to feel disappointed if it doesn’t turn out that way: “Ben, are you all right? You look a bit sad.” “I thought Noah was going to go swimming with me. I didn’t know he had soccer practice.” If you know what your innie is expecting, you can clarify misunderstandings and minimize any disappointment. “That is too bad. Let’s find out Noah’s schedule so we have a better idea about when he’s available to come swimming with you.” If you don’t ask, you won’t know what he’s thinking.

Always tell your child about upcoming events a day or two in advance. “Maria, guess what? In two days Nana and Papa are coming to visit.” An innie responds to changes in routine, such as having visitors, in various ways, depending on her level of energy, how comfortable she is with the people involved, and what other transitions are happening at the same time. Visitors bring lots of hustle and bustle. It takes a good deal of fuel to adapt to the excitement of a visit even from people she likes, with the added energy drain of more bodies in the house.

Verbalizing the schedule reduces an innie’s anxiety about the unknown. “Let’s put stickers on the calendar to mark the days till they come and the days they will be here.” When you’ve done that, you can suggest making a list of what you need to buy for their visit, or do something like make chocolate chip cookies for them. Have your innie draw a picture of what she’d like to do with the guests. Innies often see pictures in their heads. If you help them shift the pictures to a new experience before it happens, they can cope better. (“Do you remember what we did during their last visit? We went to the children’s museum. Your picture looks like you’d like to visit the zoo this time.”) Occasionally, ask about the upcoming visit. One innie told me, “I like it when Nana and Papa visit, but I hate not being able to sleep in my own bed.” Knowing this, you can avoid a meltdown by changing the sleeping arrangements.

Set up a private signal so your innie can give you the thumbs-up when he needs a break. Sometimes the need for a break is sudden—his energy drops like an elevator plummeting to the bottom floor. Providing an exit route is a good way to steer clear of tantrums or surliness.