The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (30 page)

Conversational Styles

When you observe innies and outies in conversation, their differences become apparent. Innies are excellent conversationalists when they are comfortable with you. Paula, a four-year-old innie, looked me in the eye and asked if I had a cat. “Yes, I do,” I told her. “What color is he? Or is he a she?” she continued, and paused to wait for my answer. I told her about Mocha, my chocolate-colored cat. I asked her, “Do
you
have a cat?” She reflected and answered, “Yes, he’s a gray rag cat and he’s four like me. He likes to sleep on my bed and on top of the refrigerator.” She goes on to tell me all about his particular breed.

Paula’s aim in conversation is to understand her own or someone else’s inner world. She likes to chat in a relaxed atmosphere about something she likes. She listens, reflects, and remembers what I say. As she gets older, she will enjoy conversations that explore her own or other children’s interests. She will value connecting and getting to know another person, finding commonalities (like a love of cats) and differences.

Extroverted Hallie, at nine, is often scolded for lying. She doesn’t really understand why her mom gets angry. She was just talking. “Guess what? I am going to go camping with the Andersens,” she had said to her mom. “Oh, really?” her mother replied, taken aback. “Well, they haven’t actually asked me yet, but I think they will.” “
If
they ask you, you let me know and
then
we can discuss it,” her mom replies. Tomorrow Hallie may forget she even wanted to go camping.

Outies chat for the fun of it. They’ll ask, “Did you know?” and talk about sports, clothes, whatever. They say what pops into their heads, hopping from subject to subject, casually interrupting each other without offense. When she was younger, Hallie once asked a woman why she was wearing such an ugly hat, and her mother cringed in embarrassment. But, Hallie protested, the hat
was
ugly! Extroverted children can and do jabber away about any subject—whether they know anything about it or not!

Expenditure of Energy

Give this some thought:
Everything an innie does in the outside world requires energy and gives little or no energy in return
. Add to this the fact that innies also have to expend extra fuel to keep their internal stimulation turned down so that they can shift to an external focus. Extroverts, on the other hand, go into the outside world and bask in its vitality. They are already focused externally so it doesn’t require a shift. This difference has a huge impact on how innies and outies experience socializing and, in turn, how they are perceived.

At home our granddaughter Emily is a little whirlwind, constantly running around. One afternoon I took her to the children’s play area in a mall. She seemed like a different child. For some fifteen minutes she sat beside me like a statue, her face perfectly still, merely watching all the action. She stared at the kids buzzing around the tree-house slide. “Tell me when you’re ready to join the other children,” I said. She watched them intently and finally turned to me and said, “Ready.” As she played and explored, she glanced at me every now and then, silently checking my reaction for reassurance. I had taken her extroverted older sister, Katie, to the same play area many times. Katie would run right into the fray and hardly look back.

You can help your introverted child manage and make good use of his limited social energy. Teach him to store energy before social occasions. Limit the number of engagements he has, and don’t stay long if he shows signs of dragging. Most innies are able to sit for fairly long periods, such as during a church service or a dinner out. They can play quietly for an extended period. Occasionally, an innie is more active and will get restless. But though they may seem content, they still need space, peace, and quiet in order to recharge their batteries.

Help your child notice what triggers energy drops, such as too many kids around, too much noise, hot weather, time pressure, conflict, or disappointment. He can learn to take a breather, stand in the shade away from the group, postpone dealing with a conflict until later, talk about what’s bothering him, or take a brief walk.

Socializing Throughout Childhood—What to Expect

“
Friends are relatives you make for yourself.” —Eustache Deschamps

Socializing is essential for any child’s development; researchers say that the infant brain develops through relationships with primary caregivers. One’s social sense begins in the family and expands to the outside world between one and two years of age. Even from a young age, innies—inveterate observers—like to scope out other children. As they grow, they practice and experiment with their burgeoning social skills in order to form friendships. Making friends is actually quite a challenging, sophisticated operation, involving many trials, dead ends, and outright rebuffs. Social aptitude takes a long time to build, with one skill block stacked on top of another. Innies will slowly begin to establish themselves outside the family. Within the relative safety of family life, they can practice give-and-take, sharing power, empathizing, being assertive, compromising, and handling rejection, and when they’re ready, begin to take these skills on the road.

Here is a closer look at what is going on at different social stages.

Ages One to Three

Toddlers are beginning to test out independence. They are struggling with limits and wanting to explore the world in their own way. They are interested in other children, but they play next to each other rather than together. Innies usually stick closer to their parents for a longer time. Often they don’t have as many tantrums as outies do at this age. But since they have their own mind already, they can become stubborn and pitch a fit if they feel determined to have or do something.

Build your child’s social skills by organizing a play group, enrolling her in a class (like a tot music class), or taking her to a park.
Expose her to lots of different experiences. Go to gardens, ride a ferry, hop on a trolley, visit the zoo, and enjoy the aquarium and other toddler-friendly places. Just don’t stay long, and avoid overstimulation. Always let your child ease into new places or groups. These are practicing years.

Remember that toddlers need adults to smooth out wrinkles in their play. You can help her know when she needs a break or some calming. Encourage a bit of give-and-take with others. Remind her to use words, not grabbing, biting, or hitting. This is behavior you might see if she is tired, hungry, or otherwise overwrought. Encourage her not to be passive if another child takes her toys. The capacity to stand up for herself will help her feel safer and less vulnerable in social situations. Initiate a quiet activity as the playdate winds down, like reading a book or coloring, to ease into closure.

A big shift begins to occur by twenty to twenty-four months. Children’s social interests grow in leaps and bounds during this time. They begin to copy one another. One child jumps off a box, and the others will jump off the box, too. Researchers see this as the beginnings of social interaction: back and forth; you do this, I do that. Introverted toddlers are usually more hesitant than extroverted children with new children, new situations, and groups. While they may be slow to take part, they do like to watch other children. Letting them observe is a good introduction to social settings. They may copy behaviors without actually joining in.

A few months ago I took a Half Notes music class with our innie granddaughter, Emily. There were about ten toddlers ranging from eighteen to twenty-four-months old. Emily loves music and dancing. My idea was to have fun with her while exposing her to a group of toddlers and helping her learn to tolerate groups. After a few classes, when we drove up, Emily would see the building and yell, “Babies!” She was eager to rush in, take off her shoes, and bang on the drums.

During the class she usually watched the other toddlers, hawklike, from my lap or standing by the wall. She joined in some
activities, but not as often as most of the other children. Occasionally, she would surprise everyone and be the only one to sing or speak up. Her participation ebbed and flowed, depending on her energy level, the size of the class, and how overwhelming the activity felt to her. If she had had a busy weekend before the Monday class, for example, she was usually more reserved. She generally joined in when the kids were taking out instruments or putting them back, and when they sang, “Clean up, clean up.” But, like most innies, she became captivated by something unique—name tags! She loved to swipe another child’s name tag and then slap it on the wall with a satisfied smile while swaying to the sounds of the music. It was soon apparent that she had started a fad as other toddlers followed her example.

Between the ages of two and three, children begin to show social preferences, often gravitating toward one child over others. Look for a glimmer of interest between your child and his playmates. Find children who enjoy similar play. Perhaps they like to play with building blocks, or they both like to pretend. Toddlers do well with other toddlers, playing in small, once-a-week play groups to begin learning social skills. Make playdates with their budding pals, and take their friendships seriously. Get two cups, two balls, or two small drums for them to play with, since at this stage imitation is more important to learn than sharing. Talk about your child’s friend. “You’re going to see Justin today. Do you want me to put away some of your favorite toys?” (Yes, it’s good to have some no-share toys.) Innie and outie toddlers will need adult supervision to help them take turns and to guide their interactions.

Caveat:
Don’t overwhelm your innie with too many children or social occasions. Try to avoid long playdates or hectic transitions.

Ages Four and Five

Four and a half is usually the peak period of potty talk, bragging, exaggerating, and emotional unpredictability. Innies can surprise their parents with the sudden personality change. They may become quite silly, or their stubbornness may turn into defiance. At the same time, they are gaining a sense of emotional cause-and-effect: “If I hit
my sister, she and my mom will be mad.” This period of intensity calms down around age five, and children’s relationships become more stable. They are learning to play one-on-one and in groups. While they still play with friends of the opposite sex, especially when role-playing and during imaginative play, they are beginning to show a preference for playing with children of the same sex.

Innies tend to thrive in this phase of amiable, cooperative play. A study that appeared in the
Elementary School Journal
in 2002 examined the word-for-word comments made by kids when they discussed differences of opinion. The researchers concluded that innies made more cooperative remarks and outies made more argumentative comments when kids were disagreeing.

Continue to help your innie ease into social situations. Establish regular playdates with familiar pals to provide consistent play experiences. It’s nice to occasionally include other children—as long as your child knows beforehand that others will be joining. This gives you an opportunity to point out that other children play in different ways, and that he can practice slowly getting used to new children.

At this age, your child can use some help structuring playdates. Before the friend arrives, you can set a loose agenda. Have him select two or three games or other toys he wants to play with when the friend arrives. Tell him he and his friend will need to take turns with the selected toys. If a fight starts over a toy, use a kitchen timer: ten minutes of play each. If that doesn’t work, remove the toy in a matter-of-fact way. If he wants to, let him put a few special toys in the closet—off-limits. He can’t be expected to share everything yet. Support his friendships by including a companion on a brief family outing.

Casual groups start forming around age four. If you watch several kids running around as a group, you will notice more organized play at this time. They can stop, compromise, and fly off in another direction. The group won’t cohere for too long, but it’s fun while it lasts.

Innies can now begin to learn how to enter groups. It’s usually a matter of physical joining—moving into the group’s space. Teach
your child to join into group play by nodding or smiling at a friendly-looking child, then copying what the group is doing. If, say, they are running around a slide, he can dart in and run with the pack. If the kids are jumping off a rock, he can jump, too. Encourage him to manage conflicts by learning to ask for what he wants.

Caveat:
Don’t invite too many children to play at once. Start with short get-togethers. Extend them for longer periods, as the children begin to play well together. The goal is to practice social skills in an enjoyable way.

Ages Six to Eight

When children reach this age, their personalities become more complex. While enthusiastic and cooperative, they are also demanding and difficult. They are practicing learning to calm down and pay attention to social cues. They are attempting to work out roles, and they begin to identify more with the same-sex parent. They can work out conflicts without adults, but remember, they still view the world through a combination of fantasy and reality.

School-age innies like other kids who are polite. However, it takes lots of energy to handle more dissimilar relationships. This is a period of trial and error for parents to try to help innies find their social rhythm. Sometimes children need encouragement to practice handling different people and situations. At other times parents need to back off and even suggest declining an invitation so the child can have some downtime.

Sign up your child for activities that tap into her strengths, such as art, dance, science, martial arts, or music. Find other quiet kids for your innie to play with. Innies usually have a best friend by five, the “social age.” If your child doesn’t have a special pal, ask her teacher if one of the other children would be a good fit. Arrange a short playdate, then a slightly longer one if the first works out well. Look for signs that the playdate is succeeding. Do they enjoy similar play and have similar energy levels? Do they look lively? Can they negotiate differences successfully?