The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (34 page)

Pet Pal

Pets can be comforting and important friends for your child. Animals teach about giving and receiving love. They teach patience, responsibility, and they demonstrate how to play and enjoy life. Research shows that petting animals reduces stress, anxiety, and illness. They also teach valuable lessons about loss. Innies often enjoy the responsibility of raising dogs, cats, birds, rats, mice, hamsters, or fish. And certainly dogs and cats make satisfying companions and can be important for innies through adulthood.

Today’s parents are already so busy that many see pets as an added responsibility and expense. As a result, many do not buy pets for their children as often as in the past. But innies
need
to have a pet; they have love to give. Pets give a child confidence; having a pet teaches about trust. Choose a pet that is a good relational counterpart—not too aloof, rambunctious, temperamental, or nervous. You will be rewarded when you see your innie playing with and caring for his pet. You will be amazed by how nurturing your innie child will be with his pet.

Introverted teens see dating as serious business and don’t like superficial relating. Because relationships are so important to them, breakups can be devastating to an innie. Respect your child’s feelings and acknowledge how painful it is to lose a girl-or boyfriend. Gently remind her that it gets better and that she will have other relationships. Watch for prolonged depression. If the brooding lasts more than a month or two, have her talk with a professional psychotherapist. Another problem I have seen with innies, both male and female, is
avoiding
a breakup that ought to take place because their boy-or girlfriend is their central relationship. Encourage your innie to maintain other relationships while dating.

There are many aspects of socializing and many ways to socialize. By staying tuned in to your child’s social interests and apprehensions, you can help him take pleasure in friendships and enhance his comfort in groups.

The Heart of the Matter

•
Teach good social skills in daily interactions at home
.

•
Point out the strengths of innie and outie social patterns
.

•
Help innies prepare for transitions, parties, and dating
.

CHAPTER 14
Thorny Social Patches

Help Your Innie Manage Conflict, Bullies, and Other Challenges

“
Some people are always grumbling that roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses
.” —
Ambrose Karr

Friendship enriches our lives immensely, but no relationship is without its thorny patches. Differences crop up and, while stressful, they can actually help relationships grow. But when differences aren’t handled effectively they can escalate into conflicts. Often this happens because of stress, misunderstandings, unmet expectations, unaddressed feelings, incompatible needs, or a failure to come up with solutions. Resolving differences and conflicts helps introverted kids learn how to manage in the world. They learn to appreciate and manage differences, which expands their ability to cooperate with others.

Introverts and extroverts have different physiological reactions to conflict. When an outie faces a conflict, her side of the nervous system says
battle
. She wants to argue or take action immediately. She
interprets silence on her adversary’s part as agreement. Outies get jolts of adrenaline and dopamine from conflicts, so some extroverted children actually instigate arguments in order to feel alive.

Under fire, an innie’s nervous system says
pull back
. He wants to reflect on a disagreement before he talks about it. He may be silent because he isn’t ready to disclose his opinion. Studies show that conflicts consume lots of energy for innies and require substantial recuperation time. It’s easy to see why innies and outies have some challenges when there are conflicts.

It is very important to validate reality for your child. Some kids aren’t nice. Peace-loving innies think all other kids seek harmony, too. Even as adults, they often have trouble realizing that some people have aggressive motivations. The fact is that life among peers is not always so idyllic, and not everyone plays fair. Some kids are good friends, others less so. Also, friendships are anything but static. They change over the years, and sometimes (especially in childhood) over weeks and days. Occasionally, a friend will pull away or even overtly snub you. Sometimes friendships just fizzle out.

Everyone faces rejection at one time or another. Relating with people always involves risk, and some risks turn out okay, some don’t. It’s helpful for innies to realize that rejection is a normal and frequent social experience. Rejection has its beneficial side; it motivates people to make a good impression and strive to improve their relationships and careers. Some innies (more often right-brained innies) may be particularly sensitive to rejection. They may bend over backward to avoid rejecting others, even when not being friends with that person is the right thing to do. Some—not all—left-brained innies may not be concerned about rejection to the point where they may appear arrogant or detached. Outies tend to be acutely sensitive to rejection but may not be mindful of how their reactions affect others. Share some of the rejections you’ve experienced with your child. This shows your innie that rejection is something you can survive, and so can she.

It is crucial to explain to an innie that if a child calls her a name or teases her, it isn’t her fault. Since innies tend to internalize and
personalize what happens to them, their first inclination is to think, “I must have done something.” “Maybe I wasn’t nice enough, and now they are teasing me.” “They see something bad in me so they are treating me badly.” Most innies care deeply about their primary relationships with friends and family, and so rejection, teasing, and name-calling really stings. You can say, “Some kids have short fuses, and they just act that way. It’s crummy.” Or, “I know you feel hurt, but it passes, and you are still okay.” No one is born knowing how to behave with everyone. We all make social goofs as we are learning the ropes. In fact, that’s exactly how we all learn.

An unfortunate reality is that innies live in an extroverted culture. As I have mentioned before, extroverts tend to prefer other extroverts. Other outies fuel their system. Innies usually don’t give them enough high-octane interactions. Without knowing exactly why, outies may feel irritated by how innies behave and therefore avoid or reject them. On the other hand, outies feel rejected when an innie withdraws or if they feel the innie is withholding on purpose. They may not take the time to get to know an innie. This dynamic puts yet another hurdle on the innie’s social path.

Dealing with Discord

“
A friend is someone who isn’t bossy.” —Chloe Cravens, age seven

Social bonds are fragile. Caring about relationships is the single strongest thread that secures those bonds, which is why many innies are well liked. They care. Part of their caring nature is an inherent tendency to be adaptable. Sometimes innies are seen as passive because they would “rather switch than fight.” Your introverted child may need help to know that there are times to be flexible and times to stand firm—and how to tell the difference.
Even at very young ages, innies generally react differently than extroverted kids to toy snatchings and other aggressive moves. You can remind your child that it’s okay for him to protect himself and his belongings. For example, an aggressive classmate gave one young introvert, Jared, a hearty shove. Jared’s dad had previously coached him about such situations and told him that he should say, “Leave me alone!” in a loud voice. Jared knew the teacher would hear him and step in if needed, so he spoke up for himself. The other child stopped bumping him.

Innies need to learn that being nice doesn’t work with all kids or in all situations. Different children have different intentions and motivations. Some kids want to be good friends, some like to be playmates, some want pals, and there are a few kids who want a gang so they can feel powerful.

Play typically turns aggressive when adults aren’t near or those present aren’t paying attention. It can be a fine line between boys’ rough-and-tumble play and a sudden crossover to belligerent hitting and overpowering. A group of girls may be having fun talking one moment, and before you know it one girl has been excluded from the group. Help your child read the feeling she has when the play turns hostile. A sour note of discord can be struck quickly and without explanation. The feeling says its time to move on to play with another child or join another group.

Remind innies that even in one-on-one situations, conflicts are part of life. Finding solutions can actually be fun, like solving a mystery. The first step in handling disagreements is listening to what the other child is upset about. “Oh, you want to be Captain Hook?” Many innies can be too compliant and say, “Okay you can be Captain Hook.” This is fine occasionally, but acquiescing
all the time
can set up a child to be bullied. The best way to build your innie’s confident assertiveness during disputes is to model good conflict resolution in your family. Research shows that kids who are socially confident can accommodate both their own and the other child’s concerns and be able to explain their reasoning. To wit: “Let me finish sending this traitorous sailor down the gangplank. Then you can be Captain Hook. But you can make the sound of the clock in the alligator’s tummy while you wait, if you want.”

Tried-and-True Conflict Clobbering

Teach your innie these simple steps to defuse a more aggressive child:

DO
:

1. Validate the other child’s concerns by empathizing with what’s bothering him.

2. Try to step into the other child’s shoes: “
Oh, you wanted to see my Yu-Gi-Oh! cards
.”

3. Offer a compromise to defuse the tension: “
I’ll let you see my cards. Just ask me instead of grabbing them out of my hand
.”

4. Know that it’s not merely okay but a good idea to discuss an argument later after both kids have cooled down. “
You were pretty mad the other day. Want to talk about it now?
”

DON’T:

1. Try to reason with an aggressive kid, especially when he’s angry.

2. Contradict him or try to talk him out of his viewpoint.

3. Minimize his concerns or make fun of him.

Discuss the conflicts your child has at school. “Megan doesn’t want Jade to be in the talent show with us anymore. I don’t feel good about leaving her out.” Acknowledge your child’s feelings. Talk about how to settle the conflict so that everyone involved gets some of what they want. Help her practice what to say, reminding her to explain her thoughts to the other kids. This is the step innies often leave out.

Uptight and Stressed

“
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result
.” —
Rita Mae Brown

Lots of situations, including conflicts and disagreements in the social arena, leave kids feeling stressed. Innies and outies have different responses to stress. Heed these markers to see if your child needs some help working through a conflict or other kind of struggle.

If your innie is stressed, you may notice that she
:

• Withdraws or avoids problems

• Stops talking

• Resists or becomes passive

• Feels overwhelmed and stalled

• Becomes rigid

• Becomes irritable

• Blames herself a lot

• Becomes physically exhausted and has increased muscle tension

If your outie is stressed, you may notice that he
:

• Blames others or the situation

• Wants to talk it out
now

• Becomes obsessive and compulsive about work

• Won’t stop and reflect

• Becomes ill and has body complaints

• Becomes defensive and angry

• Becomes anxious and worried

Help both innies and outies regain their equilibrium when they are stressed by talking it out. When you see signs like anger, moping, acting in an obsessive way, or refusing to talk, and they have lost their sense of humor, ask if something is causing stress. This helps;
now at least he knows he is uptight. Acknowledging upset feelings is the fastest way to help kids reduce stress—now outies can mute the
battle
mode, and innies can
come out
from their retreat. After your child has regained his balance, discuss what caused the stress. See if he can learn to notice that stressed feeling before it gets him down and when he can do something about the situation. You can also use the tips below to help him wind down.

Helping Your Innie Handle Stress

• Give her time to think about the conflict or issue.

• Help her be aware that her feeling upset and fatigued stems from an unresolved conflict.

• Give her room to safely talk about her thoughts and feelings. She may prefer to write about them.

• Be patient. It may take her time to express her thoughts.

• Help her relax. Her body and her speech may be more constricted.