The Hope of Refuge (15 page)

He looked up at her. “I think the Eversons’ home is best. But they’re asking too much for rent, so I’m waiting them out.”

“We don’t need a place nearly that big or expensive.”

“It’ll give all of us elbow room.”

Elbow room?
She’d worried for quite a while that he considered her a burden. It didn’t matter that he’d been the one who hadn’t wanted her to remarry because he hated watching all the adjustments Deborah had to make when her Daed remarried. Ada had thought she was doing the right thing when she agreed to remain single, so she had come up with a plan to support them. But to make her plan work, she needed to move to Hope Crossing. She could have made a decent living off her pies and cakes if they’d moved there. But he’d been stressed over that plan. To make up for his strong opinions, he’d come up with plans of his own. Maybe she’d been wrong to go along with them so easily. When she lost her husband, all she could see and feel was her love for the one child they’d had together. During all the years since his Daed had died, maybe what Mahlon thought he needed and what he really needed were two different things.

Regardless of all that, nowadays he seemed frustrated that she needed his financial support. She hated to even think it, but maybe he’d be happier if she found a rental she could afford on her own. If it was in a touristy spot, she could sell her baked goods to local restaurants. He and Deborah could live alone.

“Why do you have to get away now?”

“Because it’s now or never.” He pushed the bowl back and stared at the table. “You know it is, Mamm.” He gazed at her through those earnest hazel eyes. “I’m twenty-three, and I’ve worked full-time for nine years.
Nine years
, Mamm—eight of them for Ephraim. Come November I’ll be married, and by next fall you’ll have your first grandchild. And probably one every couple of years after that until I can no longer remember being young. I just need a few days away on my own. Is that so wrong?”

“Are you… unsure about getting married?”

He scoffed. “The only thing I know for sure in this whole stinking mess of life is that Deborah Mast means everything to me.” Taking his bowl with him, he stood and went to the sink. “Little else makes any sense. Things I don’t want to think about wake me at night. In the space between asleep and awake, I hear whispers about wars and homeland security, and I see the Twin Towers falling all around me again. When I’m asleep, every object in my hand turns into a weapon of some sort. And when I wake, I’m filled with a desire for… vengeance, I think.”

Unable to bear the grief he’d just heaped on her, she sat. And in ways others wouldn’t see, she wasn’t sure when she’d ever get up again. “But a few years back you said the strength and number of the dreams had faded into nearly nothing.”

“I know, Mamm. But they started back.”

“Why?”

He shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. But I think I can make peace between me and God if I have some time by myself.”

She studied him, hoping words of help and comfort would come to her.

He turned his half-empty glass of milk round and round. “Eric’s home for a while.”

The pieces began to fit, and she had a few concerns as to what the image would be when the puzzle was complete. “Maybe the dreams returning has to do with your renewed friendship with him. I’m sure he came home with war stories.”

“He came home to bury a mutual friend.”

“Who?”

“Stewart Fielding.”

Her heart ached with things she couldn’t say. “He’s one of the boys you and Eric used to hang out with, one that wrote you letters regularly from Iraq.”

“Ya.”

“Did you go to his funeral?”

He nodded.

“Does Deborah know you went?”

“No.”

They’d been down this road many times before. He wanted to follow the Amish way of life, but then he mingled with friends who pulled him in the opposite direction. Ada knew Amish folk who had Englischer friends and it wasn’t an issue, but the way Mahlon’s friends lived challenged the core beliefs of the Amish. That had to stir conflict in her sensitive son.

“Mahlon, I think seeds were scattered over you without your permission, and others you’ve planted without realizing it. But you have to know when to pull away from certain friends before—”

“Mamm, please. Just back off. I’ll find us a new place. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep the bills paid. Just trust me and help Deborah to do the same. I don’t want her getting hurt. Not ever.”

The sounds of a horse and buggy caused Ada to look out the window. “I saw Deborah this morning.”

Concern etched across his face. “When you were looking for me?”

“Ya. I didn’t tell her you went out last night and never came home, but she’s bound to be wondering.” Seeing Deborah driving the buggy down the road toward their house, Ada pointed out the window.

Mahlon glanced. “She’ll think I was with Eric, which I wasn’t. I was just walking, alone. Must have gone eight to ten miles. It helped, but not enough. I kept thinking someone I knew would see me, and Deborah would be embarrassed by my odd behavior. I need a couple of days someplace where no one knows me. Where no one expects work or help or answers. Can you understand that?”

Hoping he knew what he was doing, she hugged him. “Ya, a little.”

“Denki, Mamm. I’ll go for a ride with Deborah and talk to her.” Ada watched as her son left the house and climbed into the carriage next to his betrothed. If anyone had the power to help Mahlon navigate the muddy rivers within him, Deborah Mast did.

It pained her to watch him struggle. If he could just let go of trying to make life fit inside his understanding, his hands would be free to grasp the richness around him. She shouldn’t worry. She knew that.

Maybe all he needed was a week to think things through and for her to find a home of her own. But she couldn’t do that on the meager amount of money she could make inside Dry Lake. She’d have to move elsewhere if she hoped to make a living.

Deborah passed the reins to Mahlon when he climbed into the rig beside her. He guided the horse onto the road before shifting the reins into one hand.

“How’s your Daed?”

“Adjusting to new medicines and feeling decent.”

“Good.” A slight smile radiated from his lips, and his hazel eyes bore into her as he patted the seat beside him. When she slid closer, he put his arm around her shoulder. They rode in silence, but the warmth of who he was filled her. Most of their evenings started out quiet unless she did all the talking, but soon enough he’d open up. And when he did, they grew even closer.

Finally he cleared his throat. “Mamm said she came by this morning.”

“Ya. Looking for you, I think.”

“I went out last night but not with Eric.”

All night?”

He nodded. “It was foggy and quiet, so I walked until the sun began to rise. I found a few answers, a bit of peace, but… mostly it seemed to only confuse things.”

“I don’t understand, Mahlon. I try. You know I do.”

He fidgeted with the reins. “Remember when I went away for nearly a week about four years ago?”

“Ya.”

It’d been one of their secrets. Ephraim had a week-long job out of town. So Mahlon told his mother he was going with Ephraim, and he told Ephraim he needed to stay at home with his mother. No one but Deborah knew the truth.

“I came back with my mind clear and all sorts of things worked out, ya?”

She shifted, staring at him. “You’re going away again?”

“Just for a few days. I need a little time. That’s all.”

“I don’t understand. What is it you want time to do?”

“Easy, Deb.”

“Don’t try to calm me, Mahlon. I have as much right to feel things as you do, and I don’t like how you’re acting. Less than a week ago we began telling our friends and family of our plans to marry, and now you need to get away?”

“This has nothing to do with you.”

Mahlon told her about his nightmares and insomnia, but she also heard what he wasn’t saying—that the responsibility of finding a home, getting married, and starting his own family had triggered old feelings of panic. When he lost his father at ten years old and took on the responsibility for his widowed mother, it seemed to dig a channel inside his soul, like the wheel of a buggy caught in a deep, muddy rut. Being in New York on September 11 during the terrorist attacks made it a thousand times worse, and now Eric’s return seemed to have triggered questions inside him that he had no answers for.

He pulled onto Jonathan’s long dirt driveway and came to a stop. “If this was happening to you, you’d need a lot of time among your friends and family. You’d spend hours and hours with your many friends, me included, talking until you unearthed the answers that put things in perspective and brought you peace. But that’s not me, Deb.”

Her heart twisted, and her eyes brimmed with tears. “You need time completely alone.” She cupped his face with her hands. “I’m sorry I got aggravated.”

He pulled her closer and placed his lips over hers. After the gentle kiss he studied her. “Sometimes I get mad at me too, but I’m still the same anyway.”

“I love you for who you are. You go talk to yourself and God. And find peace.”

He wrapped his arms around her, and she felt him tremble. Whatever had been unleashed inside him was making him more miserable than he could bear. Silently she prayed for him, as she had every day for as long as she could remember.

“When will you go?”

“Saturday most likely. Ephraim has a lot of work scheduled for the rest of this week, and I can’t leave yet. I’d like you and me to go out Friday night, and then I’ll leave the next morning. I’ll tell Ephraim tomorrow that I’m taking off a few days next week.”

The edge of darkness began to take over as Ephraim left the barn with a full and sleepy pup in hand—the one Simeon said Lori wanted. He’d taken clean clothes from the clothesline back to Cara and Lori over an hour ago before going to visit his Daed.

Cara had said nothing when he’d set the items on the table. He’d added a little more wood to the oven in case she wanted to scramble some eggs or fix a grilled cheese sandwich. Without experience on a wood stove, she wouldn’t be able to cook much, but he assured her she could use any of the food in the house to fix her and Lori something to eat. He had no idea why, but an accusing look had returned to her eyes when he said the words.

It made him miss Anna Mary. Her friendly, easily understood ways were much more welcome than this mess… except he wasn’t sure how well she’d take the news of Cara when the time came.

He stepped onto his porch with the full intention of tapping before walking in, but Lori sat in a ladder back chair in the kitchen, staring through the screen door. In that brief moment he saw a very worried little girl. She seemed to think if he didn’t keep his word and come back, the police would show up again. Her wet hair hung about her shoulders, and her shiny-clean face eased into a slight smile at the sight of him.

Ephraim came inside and held out the pup.

“Mom, look!” She jumped up from her chair and scooped the dog from his hand.

Cara walked out of the bathroom, towel drying her hair and wearing one of his shirts over her jeans. Her eyes questioned him.

Ephraim removed his hat and hung it on the peg. “He’s full right now, but I’ll take him back to his mother in the morning.”

Lori cuddled the puppy. “Whatcha gonna name him?”

“Name him?” He had no plans to keep the mutt.

“Mom said we don’t have enough food for us, let alone a dog. But if you want him…”

Ephraim chuckled. “Well, I’ve been thinking maybe I need a dog around here.” He noticed dozens of bug bites on Lori’s arms and legs. He went to the kitchen cabinet where he kept some over-the-counter stuff, grabbed a tube of anti-itch cream, and passed it to Cara.

“Thanks.” Cara read the side of the package and removed the lid.

“Not a problem.” He patted the dog’s head. “How about Better Days?”

A faint look of cynicism crossed Cara’s face, but she said nothing.

Lori set the dog on the floor and walked across the room. “Here, Better Days.” The puppy ran to her. “Look, he likes it.”

Ephraim closed the front door. “Actually, he likes you, and he would have come no matter what you called him. But he’ll get used to the name.”