The Host (61 page)

“You remember Ian, of course. Never has managed to catch up to me in anything, but he keeps trying. Hey, Ian,” Kyle added, never moving his eyes, “you got anything you want to say to me?”

“Not really.”

“I'm waiting for an apology.”

“Keep waiting.”

“Can you believe he kicked me in the face, Jodes? For no reason at all.”

“Who needs an excuse, eh, Jodi?”

It was oddly pleasant, the banter between the brothers. Jodi's presence kept it light and teasing.

Gentle and funny. I would have woken up for this. If I were her, I would have been smiling already.

“Keep it up, Kyle,” I murmured. “That's just right. She'll come around.” I wished I would get to meet her, to see what she was like. I could only picture Sunny's expressions.

What would it be like for everyone here, meeting Melanie for the first time? Would it seem the same to them, as if there were no difference? Would they really grasp that I was gone, or would Melanie simply fill the role I had?

Maybe they would find her entirely different. Maybe they would have to adjust to her all over again. Maybe she would fit in the way I never had. I pictured her, which was picturing me, the center of a crowd of friendly faces. Pictured us with Freedom in our arms and all the humans who had never trusted me smiling with welcome.

Why did that bring tears to my eyes? Was I really so petty?

No,
Mell assured me.
And they'll miss you–of course they will. All the best people here will feel
your loss.

She seemed to finally accept my decision.

Not accept,
she disagreed.
I just can't see any way to stop you. And I can feel how close it is. I'm
scared, too. Isn't that funny? I'm absolutely terrified.

That makes two of us.

“Wanda?” Kyle said.

“Yes?”

“I'm sorry.”

“Um… why?”

“For trying to kill you,” he said casually. “Guess I
was
wrong.” Ian gasped. “Please tell me you have some kind of recording device available, Doc.”

“Nope. Sorry, Ian.”

Ian shook his head. “This moment should be preserved. I never thought I'd live to see the day that Kyle O'Shea would admit to being wrong. C'mon, Jodi. That ought to
shock
you awake.”

“Jodi, baby, don't you want to defend me? Tell Ian I never
have
been wrong before.” He chuckled.

That was nice. It was nice to know that I'd earned Kyle's acceptance before I left. I hadn't expected that much.

There was no more I could do here. There was no point in lingering. Jodi would either come back or she would not, but neither outcome would change my path now.

So I proceeded to my third and final deed: I lied.

I stepped away from the cot, took a deep breath, and stretched my arms.

“I'm tired, Ian,” I said.

Was it really a lie? It didn't sound so false. It had been a long, long day, this, my last day. I'd been up all night, I realized. I hadn't slept since that last raid; I must have been exhausted.

Ian nodded. “I'll bet you are. Did you stay up with the Heal–with Mandy all night?”

“Yeah.” I yawned.

“Have a nice night, Doc,” Ian said, pulling me toward the exit. “Good luck, Kyle. We'll be back in the morning.”

“Night, Kyle,” I murmured. “See you, Doc.”

Doc glowered at me, but Ian's back was to him, and Kyle was staring at Jodi. I returned Doc's glare with a steady gaze.

Ian walked with me through the black tunnel, saying nothing. I was glad he wasn't in the mood for conversation. I wouldn't have been able to concentrate on it. My stomach was twisting and turning, wringing itself into strange contortions.

I was done, all my tasks accomplished. I only had to wait a bit now and not fall asleep. Tired as I was, I didn't think that would be a problem. My heart was pounding like a fist hitting my ribs from the inside.

No more stalling. It had to be tonight, and Mell knew that, too. What had happened today with Ian had shown me that. The longer I stayed, the more tears and arguments and fights I would cause. The better the chance that I or someone else would slip up and Jamie would find out the truth. Let Mell explain it after the fact. It would be better that way.

Thanks so much,
Mell thought; her words flowed fast, in a burst, her fear marring her sarcasm.

Sorry. You don't mind too much?

She sighed.
How can I mind? I'd do anything you asked me to, Wanda.

Take care of them for me.

I would have done that anyway.

Ian, too.

If he'll let me. I've got a feeling he might not like me so much.

Even if he won't let you.

I'll do whatever I can for him, Wanda. I promise.

Ian paused in the hall outside the red and gray doors to his room. He raised his eyebrows, and I nodded. Let him think I was still hiding from Jamie. That was true, too.

Ian slid the red door aside, and I went straight to the mattress on the right. I balled up there, knotting my shaking hands in front of my hammering heart, trying to hide them behind my knees.

Ian curled around me, holding me close to his chest. This would have been fine–I knew that he would end up sprawled out in all directions when he was really asleep–except that he could feel my trembling.

“It's going to be fine, Wanda. I know we'll find a solution.”

“I truly love you, Ian.” It was the only way I could tell him goodbye. The only way he would accept. I knew he would remember later and understand. “With my whole soul, I love you.”

“I truly love you, too, my Wanderer.”

He nuzzled his face against mine until he found my lips, then he kissed me, slow and gentle, the flow of molten rock swelling languidly in the dark at the center of the earth, until my shaking slowed.

“Sleep, Wanda. Save it for tomorrow. It will keep for the night.” I nodded, moving my face against his, and sighed.

Ian was tired, too. I didn't have to wait long. I stared at the ceiling–the stars had moved above the cracks here. I could see three of them now, where before there had been only two. I watched them wink and pulse across the blackness of space. They did not call to me. I had no desire to join them.

One at a time, Ian's arms fell away from me. He flopped onto his back, muttering in his sleep. I didn't dare wait any longer; I wanted too badly to stay, to fall asleep with him and steal one more day.

I moved cautiously, but he was in no danger of waking. His breathing was heavy and even. He wouldn't open his eyes till morning.

I brushed his smooth forehead with my lips, then rose and slid out the door.

It was not late, and the caves were not empty. I could hear voices bouncing around, strange echoes that might have been coming from anywhere. I didn't see anyone until I was in the big cave. Geoffrey, Heath, and Lily were on their way back from the kitchen. I kept my eyes down, though I was very glad to see Lily. In the brief glimpse I allowed myself, I could see that she was at least standing upright, her shoulders straight. Lily was tough. Like Mel. She'd make it, too.

I hurried to the southern corridor, relieved when I was safe in the blackness there. Relieved and horrified. It was really over now.

I'm so afraid,
I whimpered.

Before Mell could respond, a heavy hand dropped on my shoulder from the darkness.

“Going somewhere?”

Iwas so tightly wound that I shrieked in terror; I was so terrified that my shriek was only a breathless little squeal.

“Sorry!” Jared's arm went around my shoulders, comforting. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.”

“What are you doing here?” I demanded, still breathless.

“Following you. I've been following you all night.”

“Well, stop it now.”

There was a hesitation in the dark, and his arm didn't move. I shrugged out from under it, but he caught my wrist. His grip was firm; I wouldn't be able to shake free easily.

“You're going to see Doc?” he asked, and there was no confusion in the question. It was obvious that he wasn't talking about a social visit.

“Of course I am.” I hissed the words so that he wouldn't hear the panic in my voice. “What else can I do after today? It's not going to get any better. And this isn't Jeb's decision to make.”

“I know. I'm on your side.”

It made me angry that these words still had the power to hurt me, to bring tears stinging into my eyes. I tried to hold on to the thought of Ian–he was the anchor, as Kyle somehow had been for Sunny–but it was hard with Jared's hand touching me, with the smell of him in my nose.

Like trying to make out the song of one violin when the entire percussion section was bashing away…

“Then let me go, Jared. Go away. I want to be alone.” The words came out fierce and fast and hard. It was easy to hear that they weren't lies.

“I should come with you.”

“You'll have Melanie back soon enough,” I snapped. “I'm only asking for a few minutes, Jared.

Give me that much.”

Another pause; his hand didn't loosen.

“Wanda, I would come to be with you.”

The tears spilled over. I was grateful for the darkness.

“It wouldn't feel that way,” I whispered. “So there's no point.” Of course Jared could not be allowed to be there. Only Doc could be trusted. Only he had promised me. And I wasn't leaving this planet. I wasn't going to go live as a Dolphin or a Flower, always grieving for the loves I'd left behind me, all dead by the time I opened my eyes again–if I even had eyes. This was
my
planet, and they wouldn't make me leave. I would stay in the dirt, in the dark grotto with my friends. A human grave for the human I had become.

“But Wanda, I… There's so much that I need to say to you.”

“I don't want your gratitude, Jared. Trust me on that.”

“What
do
you want?” he whispered, his voice strained and choked. “I would give you anything.”

“Take care of my family. Don't let the others kill them.”

“Of course I'll take care of them.” He dismissed my request brusquely. “I meant
you.
What can I give you?”

“I can't take anything with me, Jared.”

“Not even a memory, Wanda? What do you want?”

I brushed the tears away with my free hand, but others took their place too quickly for it to matter. No, I couldn't take even a memory.

“What can I give you, Wanda?” he insisted.

I took a deep breath and tried to keep my voice steady.

“Give me a lie, Jared. Tell me you want me to stay.”

There was no hesitation this time. His arms wound around me in the dark, held me securely against his chest. He pressed his lips against my forehead, and I felt his breath move my hair when he spoke.

Melanie was holding her breath in my head. She was trying to bury herself again, trying to give me
my
freedom for these last minutes. Maybe she was afraid to listen to these lies. She wouldn't want this memory when I was gone.

“Stay here, Wanda. With us. With
me.
I don't want you to go. Please. I can't imagine having you gone. I can't
see
that. I don't know how to… how to…” His voice broke.

He was a very good liar. And he must have been very, very sure of me to say those things.

I rested against him for a moment, but I could feel the time pulling me away. Time was up.

Time was up.

“Thank you,” I whispered, and I tried to extricate myself.

His arms tightened. “I'm not done.”

Our faces were only inches apart. He closed the distance, and even here, on the edge of my last breath on this planet, I couldn't help responding. Gasoline and an open flame–we exploded again.

It wasn't the same, though. I could feel that. This was for me. It was my name that he gasped when he held this body–and he thought of it as my body, thought of it as me. I could feel the difference. For one moment, it was just us, just Wanderer and Jared, both of us burning.

No one had ever lied better than Jared lied with his body in my last minutes, and for that I was grateful. I couldn't take it with me, because I wasn't going anywhere, but it eased some of the pain of leaving. I could believe the lie. I could believe that he would miss me so much that it might even mar some of his joy. I shouldn't want that, but it felt good to believe it anyway.

I couldn't ignore the time, the seconds ticking like a countdown. Even on fire, I could feel them dragging at me, sucking me down the dark corridor. Taking me away from all this heat and feeling.

I managed to pull my lips away from his. We panted in the dark, our breath warm on each other's faces.

“Thank you,” I said again.

“Wait…”

“I can't. I can't… bear any more. Okay?”

“Okay,” he whispered.

“I just want one more thing. Let me do this alone. Please?”

“If… if you're sure that's what you want…” He trailed off, unsure.

“It's what I need, Jared.”

“Then I'll stay here,” he said hoarsely.

“I'll send Doc to get you when it's over.”

His arms were still locked around me.

“You know that Ian is going to try to kill me for letting you do this? Maybe I should let him.

And Jamie. He'll never forgive either of us.”

“I can't think about them right now. Please. Let me go.”

Slowly, with a palpable reluctance that warmed some of the cold emptiness in the center of my body, Jared let his arms slide away.

“I love you, Wanda.”

I sighed. “Thanks, Jared. You know how much I love you. With my whole heart.” Heart and soul. Not the same thing, in my case. I'd been divided too long. It was time to make something whole again, make a whole person. Even if that excluded me.

The ticking seconds pulled me toward the end. It was cold when he no longer held me. It got colder every step I took away from him.

Just my imagination, of course. It was still summer here. It would always be summer here for me.

“What happens here when it rains, Jared?” I whispered. “Where do people sleep?” It took him a moment to answer, and I could hear tears in his voice. “We…” He swallowed.

“We all move into the game room. Everyone sleeps in there together.” I nodded to myself. I wondered what the atmosphere would be like. Awkward, with all the conflicting personalities? Or was it fun? A change? Like a slumber party?

“Why?” he whispered.

“I just wanted to… imagine. How it will be.” Life and love would go on. Even though it would happen without me, the idea brought me joy. “Goodbye, Jared. Mell says she'll see you soon.”
Liar.

“Wait… Wanda…”

I hurried down the tunnel, hurried away from any chance that he might, with his grateful lies, convince me not to go. There was only silence behind me.

His pain did not hurt me the way Ian's had. For Jared, pain would be over soon. Joy was only minutes away. The happy ending.

The southern tunnel felt only a few yards long. I could see the bright lantern burning ahead, and I knew Doc was waiting for me.

I walked into the room that had always frightened me with my shoulders squared. Doc had everything prepared. In the dimmest corner, I could see two cots pushed together, Kyle snoring with his arm around Jodi's motionless form. His other arm was still curled around Sunny's tank.

She would have liked that. I wished there was some way to tell her.

“Hey, Doc,” I whispered.

He looked up from the table where he was setting out the medicine. There were already tears streaming down his face.

And suddenly, I was brave. My heart slowed to an even pace. My breath deepened and relaxed.

The hardest parts were over.

I had done this before. Many times. I had closed my eyes and gone away. Always knowing new eyes would open again, but still. This was familiar. Nothing to fear.

I went to the cot and hopped up so that I was sitting on it. I reached for the No Pain with steady hands and screwed the lid off. I put the little tissue square on my tongue, let it dissolve.

There was no change. I wasn't in any pain this time. No physical pain.

“Tell me something, Doc. What's your real name?”

I wanted to answer all the little puzzles before the end.

Doc sniffed and wiped the back of his hand under his eyes.

“Eustace. It's a family name, and my parents were cruel people.” I laughed once. Then I sighed. “Jared's waiting, back by the big cave. I promised him you'd tell him when it was over. Just wait until I–until I… stop moving, okay? It will be too late for him to do anything about my decision then.”

“I don't want to do this, Wanda.”

“I know. Thanks for that, Doc. But I'm holding you to your promise.”

“Please?”

“No. You gave me your word. I did my part, didn't I?”

“You did.”

“Then do yours. Let me stay with Walt and Wes.”

His thin face worked as he tried to keep back a sob.

“Will you be… in pain?”

“No, Doc,” I lied. “I won't feel anything.”

I waited for the euphoria to come, for the No Pain to set everything glowing the way it had the last time. I still didn't feel any difference.

It must not have been the No Pain after all–it had just been being loved. I sighed again.

I stretched out on the cot, on my stomach, and turned my face toward him.

“Put me under, Doc.”

The bottle opened. I heard him shake it onto the cloth in his hand.

“You are the noblest, purest creature I've ever met. The universe will be a darker place without you,” he whispered.

These were his words over my grave, my epitaph, and I was glad that I got to hear them.

Thank you, Wanda. My sister. I will never forget you.

Be happy, Mel. Enjoy it all. Appreciate it for me.

I will,
she promised.

Bye,
we thought together.

Doc's hand pressed the cloth gently over my face. I breathed in deeply, ignoring the thick, uncomfortable scent. As I took another breath, I saw the three stars again. They were not calling to me; they were letting me go, leaving me to the black universe I had wandered for so many lifetimes. I drifted into the black, and it got brighter and brighter. It wasn't black at all–it was blue. Warm, vibrant, brilliant blue… I floated into it with no fear at all.