The Infernal Optimist (7 page)

‘Yo,’ I greeted them after they’d done the intros with April.

After everyone sat down again there was what Mum calls an Auckland Silence. Me mum went to New Zealand once and said it’s pretty quiet over there.

‘Was there big queue to get in?’ Azad asked.

‘I couldn’t believe it,’ April said. ‘It took two hours!’

‘I’m sorry,’ goes Azad.

Thomas stood up. ‘The wait to get out is even longer.’ He walked over to a table what had other Africans on.

April’s eyes went like blue buttons. ‘Is he…?’

‘He’ll be right,’ I insured her.

She turned to Azad. ‘I didn’t mean to complain about the queue. We were just hoping to get inside earlier.’

Hamid smiled. ‘We’re here twenty-four-seven. Welcome anytime.’ Everyone laughed. Hamid was in a great mood count a the Management deciding the day before that it be okay if Angel moved to Stage Two. They didn’t know her
real age, what made her a minor what oughtta stay in Lima.

April poured out juice for them and, like she just remembered it, reached into the bag what held the gingerbread men and other stuff like candy canes and Tim Tams and pistachios and spread them over the table. ‘Please,’ she goes, opening her hands over the food.

We all said ‘Thank you’ but only I dug in. Another gingerbread man lost his head.

‘Where are you from?’ April asked Angel.

‘Kampuchea,’ Angel said. ‘You know it? Cambodia?’

‘Oh my God. We went there last year. On holiday? There and Vietnam. It was a two-week gourmet tour. The food! It was so yum. And Angkor Wat is fabulous.
So
amazing. It’s a very spiritual place. But here I am telling you about it!’

‘I never been to Angkor Wat,’ Angel said in that funny ding-dong way Orientals have a talking, like they was tapping them syllabuses out one at a time. It was cute on the girls.

‘Really? How come?’

‘I…I was working,’ she said.

We all sat there real tense, hoping she wasn’t gonna ask Angel about her job. I reckoned I’d better break the ice cube.

‘I’m Turkish,’ I volunteered. ‘In originality.’

‘Oh, I was wondering. Huh.’

‘And I’m from Afghanistan,’ Hamid said.

As she turned to Hamid, her eyebrows shot up and her mouth made like a cat’s bum. ‘Gee, that’s…’ She didn’t know if she should say that it be good or interesting or just plain terrible that he came from there. ‘Incredible.’

‘And I’m Kurdish,’ Azad said. ‘From Syria…how do you say it—
via
Iraq.’

‘“Via”, that’s a great word! Huh. Your English is so good. And the rest of your family…are they in Iraq?’

Azad nodded.

In me head I was jumping up and down and waving stop signs and red lights at April, but she didn’t see them. There were times when you don’t ask questions. In prison, you don’t ask what people got done for. A mate a mine what’s been to Darwin said that you don’t ask people why they moved to the Northern Territory neither. It was like that at Villawood, but not cuz people did something wrong like what made them go to prison or the NT, but cuz it be too fucked up to talk about, pardon me French.

‘Maybe someday they’ll be able to join you here,’ she said, chirpy like the budgie before the cat got it.

‘I don’t think so,’ Azad said quietly. ‘They were all killed.’

April’s hand flew to her mouth.

‘It’s okay. Not your fault.’

We were back in New Zealand.

‘How do you,’ April started again, ‘how do you survive here, in this awful place?’

‘For me, faith,’ said Azad. ‘God is great. And poetry.’

I reckoned Thomas survived on him wits and Hamid and Angel on love. As for me, She Who Knows Me Inside Out and Sideways and Even Upside Down always says I survive on me optimism. She calls me the Infernal Optimist cuz she says I could look on the bright side of hell if I had to.

‘Wow,’ said April to Azad. ‘That’s beautiful. Poetry and faith.’

‘Did you celebrate Christmas today?’ Hamid asked.

‘Actually, I’m Jewish?’ April said like she was asking us if it be all right. Later she told me she was nervous that all Muslims might be like Osama bin Laden what blamed the Jewish for everything.

‘You are the People of the Book,’ Azad said. ‘We are cousins. We all believe in one God.’

She was like a puppy what licked his face all over with relief. I remembered someone once told me Jews are like us other wogs what can never keep our expressions in check like Anglos do with their stiffed upper lips. ‘True. Though you might say I’m a typical post-Holocaust Jew. Sometimes I don’t know what I believe exactly.’

‘But you believe in God,’ Azad said, what wasn’t really a question.

‘I suppose,’ she said, what wasn’t really an answer.

Azad stared at April and she stared back and Hamid stared at his feet, what were in plastic sandals what were too big for them.

Angel stared at me. She was the only one what noticed that I was choking on me gingerbread man. ‘You all right, Zeki?’ she asked. Without waiting for an answer, she gave me a whack between the shoulder blades. I coughed and a little leg with frosted boots on came shooting outta me mouth and landed in the middle of the table.

‘Sorry,’ I said, scooping up the leg and popping it back in me gob. I washed it down with juice. ‘Whew.’

Angel giggled. She put her hand over her mouth. She started to shake, and then she began laughing like she was gonna split her sides with it. Everyone started to laugh then, even me, though I was careful to swallow first. It was sweet seeing Angel laughing like that. Her brown eyes went like quarter-moons with them points on her cheeks.

‘Zeki always makes us laugh,’ Azad told April.

Thomas chose that moment to return. He sat down, mumbled something, and reached for a candy cane. He’d calmed down. April looked at him, relief all over her face. ‘We have these in my country too, for Christmas,’ he told us, holding up a candy cane.

‘Really?’ April said, very enthusiastic, like that be extremely interesting. He nodded. No one could think of anything to say after that. April looked at me like she just remembered I was there. ‘So, Zeki, what’s your story?’

‘Everyone makes one mistake in the life, right?’ I reached for a Tim Tam. As I told you, I eat when I’m stressed.

She nodded and leaned forward. Her tits swole up over her shirt’s scoop-neck in a slow, milky wave. I caught a whiff a her sweat. It smelled nice, like honey yoghurt. ‘Yeah?’

I struggled with this next bit. See, there are two types a women. Those who love an outlaw and those who don’t. I was hoping she be the first type, but I didn’t like me chances. ‘I suppose you could say it was a self-help kind a mistake.’

‘Sorry? A self-help mistake?’

‘Yeah. I helped meself to things I shouldn’ta.’ She still wasn’t with me. I spilled it out. ‘Break ’n’ enter.’

Her eyes and mouth made three perfect Os and she straightened up. Despite the heat, the air round her chilled by about ten degrees. If this kept up, I was gonna have to go in for a jacket. ‘But how…why are you here in Villawood?’

I told her about the day I was supposed to get me citizenship with me family. ‘I meant to go back, but never got round to it. I hate queues.’

‘You should jump them. Like us.’ Azad grinned.

April turned to Azad. ‘But…I thought you didn’t jump any queues,’ she said. ‘There were no queues to jump where you came from. That’s what Sue said.’

Thomas gave her a look like
duh.

April blushed. Her eyes grew watery again. I looked from her to Azad, what had gone completely blank, like an uncharged mobile. He was cracking pistachios with his teeth. The ground around his chair was littered with shells.

April returned her attention to me. ‘You know,’ she goes, kinda smiling but kinda not, ‘we were broken into once and they took all our CDs. Hope that wasn’t you.’

‘I
never
pinched no one’s CDs, I swear.’

‘Really? Is that true?’

‘Not exactly,’ I admitted. ‘See, there was this dude what had Snoop Dogg’s
Doggystyle,
the one with “Pump Pump” and “Serial Killa” what you can’t get in the shops no more. So I left some things I’d normally a taken, like the DVD player. You gotta give people a fair go, I reckon. Anyway, I’m here on a count a five-oh-one.’

‘Five-oh-one?’

‘It’s a kind a libel law. Any non-citizen what spends more than twelve months in prison is libel for deportation on the basis a character.’

April took this in. ‘Well,’ she said after a pause, a smile tugging up her lips. ‘You certainly are a character.’ Her body relaxed some. The mercury rose.

‘Spose I shoulda waited in that queue. Now…oh shit.’

Marlena was coming down from the gate. And the look on her face was one of total accusation.

‘Excusing me. I got a visitor. Nice meeting you, April. Uh, you mind?’ I took another Tim Tam for the road. I met She Who halfway between the gate and the table. Straight off, she gave me one a them looks what said I be in trouble. Oh maaan. What’d I do to deserve this? I knew if I asked she’d have an answer, so I only thought the question to meself.

She was wearing her nice trousers and silver sandals with heels on. Seeing as there was no more tables or chairs available, we was gonna have to sit on the ground. ‘Want me to go in and get a blanket for us to sit on?’

She shook her head. ‘I want us to talk.’

We found a patch a grass what wasn’t dead yet, and what had some shade, and sat down.

Some Koreans sitting in a circle a chairs behind us busted into a song about Jesus.

‘Christ,’ I joked, ‘not a minute’s peace in here.’ We turned to look. The Koreans all looked to be around twelve, even the old ones, with them smooth skin and boxy faces. The chicks was wearing blouses what were buttoned up to the collar spite a the heat. A few metres behind them, a pair a Tongan sheilas was getting it on, or close to it, on a reed mat laid out by the fence. One a them moaned. The Koreans turned to see what was happening. They gasped
like the sight made their brains need a lot more oxygen than what they had.

Clarence stormed over, shouting ‘Cool off! Cool off!’ at the Tongans, what they didn’t do for long.

‘Hard-core lesbian action,’ I whispered, winking.

‘
Zeki
.’

I took another tack. ‘Nice toenails,’ I said. What they were in factuality, being painted red with green decals for Christmas on.

She gave me a little smile. ‘I did ’em myself.’

‘You’re the best.’ I meant it.

‘Zeki.’

‘Babydoll.’ I held out me arms what was for her to fall into.

She didn’t fall. ‘I told my parents you’re here. They think I should dump you. They said this five-oh-one thing is the last straw.’

‘I didn’t do nuffin! Did ya tell ’em that? It’s not like I’m in prison.’

She looked up and stared pointingly at the fence and the razor wire and the guards, and then at her wrist band and then back at me. ‘No, not at all,’ she said, rolling her eyes, what are the prettiest.

‘This place is bullshit, darl. It’s total bullshit. You know I don’t belong here. I’m as Aussie Aussie Aussie oi oi oi as the next bloke. I drink VB. I follow the footy. I don’t know nuffin but this country. Anyway, I’m virtuosically outta here.’

‘Well, that’s what Gubba says.’ She shook her head. Her hair fell in front a her face and she pushed it back behind her ears what had the gold earrings in what I gave her two
Christmases ago. She loved them earrings. She never knew I didn’t exactly buy them from the shop. ‘I don’t trust Gubba, Zeki.’

‘What d’ya mean?’

‘I dunno,’ she said. ‘Something about him. The other day I was in there for fifteen minutes. He charged seventy-five dollars. More important than the money, though—what if he’s wrong, Zek? What’re we gonna do if that Tribunal thing decides against you, if they decide to deport you?’

‘Darl, listen to me. No one’s gonna deport me. And babe, just fix him up, will ya? You know them lawyers. They shake your hand, pat you on the back and still manage to come up with a third hand for lifting your wallet.’

‘
My
wallet,’ she goes, like she be correcting me.

‘That’s what I said,’ I joked. ‘
Your
wallet.’

She gave me a bailful look, what is a look what says you gonna have to pay to get outta the situation it be putting you in.

‘I’ll make it up to you later, I promise. Speaking a which…’

I glanced round to make sure there was no blues in the vicinity. I dug into me pocket for what I owed her for the vids and smokes and stuff what I sold to the other detainees, and pressed a wad a bills into her hand. She was a natural-born businesswoman, I swear. But she always laughed when I said she should go into business. It was true, though—she was ace at managing supply. When I told her that, she replied that she had to be, cuz I always came up with plenty a demands. Anyway, she did a quick count and stuffed the cash into the waist of her trousers what was, in factuality, round her hips
and not her waist. Being a little plump, her tummy spilled out over the waistband a the trousers like the top of a muffin. She was one beautiful woman.

I leaned in and whispered. ‘Did you smuggle in the mobile?’

‘Zeki, you know I hate it when you ask me to do this sort of thing. It really stresses me out. It’s
contraband
.’ She said the word like it meant something bad. She brushed some dirt off her trousers like she was angry with the cloth they was made of. Then she sighed and pulled a big Christmas pudding outta one a the bags. ‘It’s in here. In the pud.’

‘That’s me girl! And the charger?’

‘That too.’

‘You little bewdy.’ I wanted to get me business affairs in order before I got out, and to do that I needed to make a few phone calls in the privacy a me own room. I went to give her a kiss but she wasn’t real happy with me. She turned her cheek. I got worried. ‘You’re not really gonna dump me, are you?’

She gave me a look what said I was on probation, what is something I have been on a lot in me life. ‘The woman in front of me in the queue,’ she goes in that accusing tone, ‘she had a roast chicken and the guard swung it through the metal detector. If they’d have done that to the pudding I’d have been caught for sure.’ She sounded like she was gonna bust into tears.

‘But they didn’t, and you wasn’t,’ I pointed out, reasonably enough, I reckoned. ‘And how about the other stuff?’ I moved me fingers like I was rolling a joint.

She shook her head. ‘No. Not gonna either.’

‘I swear, darl, it’s no sweat. How many times do I have to tell you? Wrap it up in cling wrap, stuff it down your bra and spray them sweet titties with perfume. The screws won’t find it in a million.’

‘It’s a federal offence, Zeki. You might like it Inside, but I don’t.’

That pissed me off. ‘I like it Inside?
I like it Inside?
’

‘Keep your voice down,’ she whispered.

‘What is this—church or something?’ She gave me a look then. I knew I’d stepped over the line. She’s a good girl, in factuality, and when I thought about that, I really didn’t know what she was doing with me. Still, a few ounces a maryjane down her bra wouldn’t a killed her. The Moroccan bloke Ali’s chick did it all the time. After he got released, the supply dried up. He said he’d be back to visit, said he’d come every week, but he hadn’t showed his face yet. I understood. When you’re Out, you’re Out. You don’t wanna know nuffin about the Inside. When you’re on the Inside, all you wanna know is Out. You think about it all the time. You think about it till your head hurts.

That’s the great thing about dope. Dope keeps you from thinking too much, what be an occupational hazard on the Inside. When you’re locked up, your brain races like dogs after one a them mechanical rabbits, but it’s like someone’s got rid a the off switch on the rabbit. Dope gives them dogs in your head a rest.

This was something Miss ‘The Law is the Law’ never seemed to understand.

‘Okay,’ I said, ‘forget the ounces. Just one joint? For me personal usage.’

‘You know, Zeki,’ she goes in that tone what sounded like Miss O’Meary from Year Ten what learned us English, ‘sometimes I think my parents have a point.’

By the time I sweet-talked She Who Must Be A-Pleased into giving me a smile, it was seven o’clock. I insured her there was nuffin to worry about except putting a slab in the fridge and polishing up me dancing shoes.

The blues was clapping their hands at stragglers and the loudspeaker was blaring. ‘Visits are over. All visitors must leave the Visiting Yard. Throw your rubbish in the bin.’ Mate, that whole place was rubbish, but there wasn’t a bin big enough for it.

Clarence, what was on gate duty, hustled Marlena outta the Yard. He sneered as he swung the gate shut between us. She shuffled up the slope to the vault door with that funny, cute gait a hers, more a waddle than a walk. Me sweet muffin wobbled on her heels as she waited for a second guard to come and open the vault door from the inside. She turned her head and gave me one a them looks. That was the moment I hated the most. I felt shamed a being Inside and didn’t want her to go. I never knew whether to stand and watch till she was all the way through or turn and go like a man, pretending to be cool. I scrounged around inside one a the plastic bags what she gave me and
pulled out a stick a liquorice. It was twisted up like me heart.

‘What are ya, a big girl?’ Clarence said. ‘Or ya gonna say there was somefing in yer eye?’

‘If you don’t shut up, you’ll have somefing in
your
eye, mate,’ I replied, quick as snakes. ‘Me fist.’

‘Ooh,’ he goes, making a face and batting them spooky girl eyes at me, ‘I’m scared.’

‘You better be, muvvafucker.’

‘C’mon, Togan, you’re holding things up,’ Anna yelled at me from the other gate, the one to the compound. She pronounced me surname like it rhymed with ‘bogan’. I was used to it.

‘I mean it, arsehole,’ I said to Clarence. Then I turned on me heels and strolled to where Anna was waiting, not hurrying, taking me sweet time.

‘Watcha got there?’ Anna goes, pointing at the bags with her chin.

If it were one a the other screws, I’d say, ‘None a your fucken business,’ even though technologically it was, but Anna was all right, so I didn’t give her no shit. I opened the bags. She looked inside. ‘Some of that chocolate for me?’

‘Take it.’ I held out a big fruit and nut bar.

‘Just kidding,’ she said, pushing me hand away.

‘Anyway,’ I go, ‘you know where to find it.’ I winked. ‘Shop’s open all night long.’

‘Cheeky monkey.’ She grinned. ‘Happy Christmas anyway.’

Back in me room I opened the box a Tiny Teddies and poured out a handful. I picked out Happy, Sleepy, Grumpy, Cheeky, Silly and Hungry. Anna called me Cheeky but I felt more Grumpy and Hungry. I popped the whole Teddy family into me gob.

Even the best food tastes like cardboard when you’re on the Inside.