The Institute (7 page)

We make it down
to a lake and it’s absolutely gorgeous. I can see what looks like
lily pads and lotus flowers floating on the water but I can’t be
sure as it’s so dark out here. The moonlight gives off a little bit
of light, and on the other side of the lake, the grass looks
well-manicured and short. I wonder why Drew didn’t bring me in
through that way so I didn’t trip all over myself.

We sit down on
the grass and I can’t help but look up at the stunning stars above
us. At least staring at them gives me an excuse to avoid eye
contact; I’m so nervous.

“So how is it
that you have lived here longer than me and you didn’t know about
this place?” he asks.

“I don’t
exactly get a lot of time to go out and explore. If I’m not helping
Dad on the farm or looking after Shilah, I am with Ebbodine,” I
say. “Hmm,
was
with Ebbodine. That’s still hard to get used
to; talking about her in past tense.”

Drew reaches
for my hand and holds it in his. “And Shilah is your brother, I’m
guessing?” I know he’s trying to change the subject and I’m
thankful for that.

“Yeah he is. I
thought you met him when you came over after … your accident.” What
is wrong with me? Why am I continually bringing up the bad
things?

“I wasn’t
exactly paying a whole lot of attention to anyone but you that
night. You were amazing that day and I don’t think I have properly
thanked you for saving me.” I’m glad it’s so dark out here, he
won’t see how bright my cheeks are. “I think about how I wouldn’t
know you if the accident never happened and in a way I am glad it
did, at least something good came out of it anyway.”

I look down at
my feet, embarrassed by his compliments.

“I don’t know
what came over me that day, I always imagined if I was ever in an
emergency situation, I would panic and just freeze up,” I tell him.
“I remember one day on our farm, we used to have an electrified
fence and one of the kid goats broke free from their pen. I could
see what was going to happen, she was running as fast as she could
and wasn’t really paying attention, she passed straight by me but I
was in such a panicked state I couldn’t move. I didn’t try and
catch her, I just watched her run into the fence.” I stop, and
shake my head. “Needless to say our fence is no longer
electrified.” I’m clearly great at handling romantic situations.
What is wrong with me?

“Well that’s an
upbeat story,” he says, smirking.

“Oh she
survived. She never ended up producing milk though and kind of
seemed a bit … how shall I put this, umm, special. It was only a
low voltage fence to keep out smaller animals like rabbits and
rodents but it always made me think I would be useless in an
emergency, she could’ve died and I did nothing. I still giggle at
that little wobbly kid stumbling all over the place though.”
Stop talking, Allira.

“Well you
obviously don’t have that issue anymore. It really was amazing what
you did for me. You’re amazing,” he says, gripping my hand
tighter.

I still can’t
bring myself to look up at him, I’m worried my face is a glowing
red. I focus on our hands, I run one of my free fingers over the
leather strap he wears around his wrist. The detail is so
intricate; interwoven strands of leather, upon more strands, yet
it’s so subtle you really have to look closely to see it. He pulls
his hand away and wraps his arm around my waist. I run my hand up
his arm and across to his chest as he pulls me in close.

This is
it
, I think to myself. I no longer have to wonder if he is ever
going to kiss me because as he pulls me closer to him, he doesn’t
stop until our lips meet. My first kiss. It is romantic, it’s
sending shivers down my spine and it makes me want more.

He cradles my
head as he lays me down on the grass. His hand starts in my hair
but it slowly makes its way down my side and rests on my hip. As he
brings it around to my front, I can feel his hand playing with the
hem of my shirt and as he starts sliding it upwards, I’m suddenly
really nervous about where his hand is heading. I’m too distracted
now worrying about what he is doing to be really invested in the
kiss.

“Are you okay?”
he asks as he pulls his lips away.

“Uh huh.” I
can’t really construct sentences right now.

He has moved
his lips onto my neck and is kissing me along my neckline. It feels
incredible but I’m too self-conscious to enjoy it the way I should.
I can feel myself breathing heavily, I try to tell myself to
breathe normally but the more I try and force it, the heavier it
gets. I want to hide, just put my hands over my face and hide. It’s
not only embarrassing, it’s awkward and embarrassing.

“Are you sure?”
I can hear that he is also breathless. He doesn’t give me time to
answer before he’s kissing me again. He pulls his hand out of my
shirt and places it back on my hip, pulling me onto my side and
against his body. I’m starting to feel really hot and it feels like
I’m burning up. As his hand slides down and reaches the button of
my jeans, my automatic reflex is to stop him.

“I’m sorry. I …
I …” I stutter. I have no idea what to say. I don’t know how to
tell him I’m not ready for this. This is moving way too fast. It’s
embarrassing enough that until five minutes ago, I hadn’t even
kissed a guy. I don’t know how to tell him I have no idea what I’m
doing or that it’s too quick. I still don’t even really know
him.

It would be
easy for me to let this happen, to hope that it will make me forget
about everything but I can’t let myself think like that. I don’t
want to have an excuse to have sex, I just want it to be right and
to want it … but I do want it … just, not now, not yet.

“You don’t want
to do this?” he asks breathlessly.

I shake my head
sheepishly but don’t offer up an explanation. I want to, but the
words don’t come, I don’t know what I am meant to say.

“Right, then
you know what that means right?” he says as he stands and helps
pull me up from the ground.

“What?” Is he
going to break up with me? When we’ve barely got together?

“It means you
have to go into the lake!” He picks me up and throws me over his
shoulder again and starts running for the water, at which point I
start freaking out for a different reason. The laughing and
playfulness that was in my voice when he carried me down here is
gone, and shrill, scared cries have replaced them.

“No! Stop,
please!” I can hear the pleading in my screams. He puts me down
before we reach the water and I just collapse into a heap on the
ground.

“Are you okay?
What’s wrong? What just happened?” he sounds genuinely worried.

“I’m sorry, I
should have told you. I’m terrified of the water, well not the
water – I’m terrified of drowning.” My voice is shaky at best, I
hope he can understand the words that are being spoken between all
the gasping for air. “Even when I would go swimming at Ebbodine’s
house, I would never put my head under the water, I’d just kind of
float around. The thought of you possibly throwing me in there –
I’m sorry, I just got scared.”

“I’m so sorry
Allira, I had no idea, I wouldn’t have done it if I—“

“No, no, it’s
not your fault. I’m sorry for freaking out on you like that.” Drew
picks me up off the ground and places his hands around my
waist.

“Home time?” he
asks.

“Home time,” I
agree. He leans down and quickly brushes his lips against mine,
making me calm right down.

Chapter
Five

I keep running
over what happened at the lake in my head. I smile at the thought
of Drew’s lips, his hands in my hair, but then I think about where
they went next and I wince at what I did in response. Why can’t I
just be like all of the other girls and just do it? At least, I
think that’s what the other girls do – if Ebbodine is anything to
go by anyway.

It’s no wonder
I’m messed up when it comes to this issue. When I hit thirteen, Dad
tried to give me ‘the talk’. Ugh I can’t help but cringe at the
memory of Dad getting all flustered trying to talk to me about
female anatomy.

I’ve been
pretty lucky to have my aunt to help me through those awkward
pre-teen phases though. I don’t know if Dad asked her to talk to me
about it after he failed, or if she knew that with Mum gone I would
need a female role model to look up to and ask questions. We lived
with her before we moved to Eminent Falls. I wish we got to see her
more than we do now but with her living in the city, we can’t
exactly just pop in whenever we want.

Aunt Kenna is
the only one apart from Dad and Shilah that I can talk to about my
fears of the Institute. I don’t know if she knows about Shilah or
not though. I’ve never spoken about him or his ability, all of our
talks are generally about
my
fears.

Aunt Kenna is
always good at reassuring me when I go to her with my worries. I
haven’t spoken to her in a long while. Maybe I will see if I can go
see her this weekend. Better yet, maybe I will ditch school
tomorrow. I survived the stares today but the thought of having to
do it again makes me want to run to the city just to get away. I
don’t like being the topic of conversation, the centre of attention
– that was all Ebb. And now Ebb is gone. Thinking of her makes up
my mind, I will definitely go and see Aunt Kenna tomorrow.

***

As I board the
train to school which I have no intention of going to today, I
start over thinking my plans. Aunt Kenna works nights so she will
be home, but will she tell Dad that I came? I’m still in Dad’s bad
books at the moment, I don’t want to piss him off any further, but
I can’t face going to school either. I wonder if I tell him I had
‘lady troubles’, he might forgive me quicker than if I tell him the
truth. But it is more than that. I haven’t had the chance to talk
to Aunt Kenna yet about everything that is happening. She doesn’t
know about the car accident, she doesn’t know that my best friend
is missing and she doesn’t know that I have a boyfriend type person
– I don’t exactly know what to call him. It has been a while since
I have seen her, but I don’t think Dad will think that is a good
enough excuse to go see her in the middle of the school week.

Drew comes and
sits next to me on the train and breaks my concentration.

“Hey,” he says.
“Are you okay?”

“I guess so,” I
reply. I’m not really in the mood for talking. “I’m actually
thinking of going into the city today. I need to see my aunt.”

“Did you want
me to come with you?” he asks.

“Thanks but I
kind of want alone time with her, that’s why I’m going,” I
half-heartedly explain. I can see the disappointment in his eyes
but it’s not like I can introduce him to my aunt; I can see her
maybe omitting the fact I skipped school to Dad but bringing my
boyfriend along? I think she would be straight on the phone. Also,
I can’t talk about him if he’s there.

“Is this about
last night?” he asks almost sheepishly.

“No, it isn’t.”
I say, confused. I didn’t think there was an issue with last night?
Is he angry that nothing happened between us or does he think I’m
still upset about him joking about throwing me in the lake? “I’m
just feeling really down about Ebbodine. Aunt Kenna is always good
at cheering me up and keeping my mind off things that are troubling
me.”

“What’s
troubling you? You can always talk to me,” he responds.

He puts his arm
around me and I get the all too familiar safe feeling I get when he
touches me. I don’t want to open up to him right now though,
partially because he is one of the things I need advice on and
partially because I don’t want to burden him with Ebbodine stuff.
He has to be still dealing with Jax’s death, even though he hasn’t
really mentioned him since Ebb disappeared.

“I know. I just
need to see my Aunt. We used to live with her and even though it’s
been three years, I still miss seeing her every day,” I try to
explain.

I’m at a loss
for words for how I am feeling right now. I feel really down and I
don’t know how to get out of this funk. I have Dad and I have
Shilah and I even have Drew now, but I am feeling so alone. I’ve
gone through these phases before, especially just after my mother
died but I haven’t had one in a long time. I’ll probably feel
better later today but I’m assuming that with Ebbodine gone, my
brain has gone back to defensive mode and its main function is to
make sure I eat, sleep and breathe and nothing else. I stare right
in front of me in a daze and just try to concentrate on not
crying.

Drew doesn’t
say anything else. When we get to the station near school, he
doesn’t even say goodbye, he just gets off the train. I stare after
him, but I don’t really have the energy to be worried if he’s upset
with me or not.

By the time I
arrive in the city, I have started worrying what Aunt Kenna will
say when I turn up at her door. Maybe I should just deal with how
I’m feeling on my own; I don’t want to make it worse by opening
myself up to judgment. At least I have a pretty good reason to feel
this way though. However, there is always the little voice in my
head telling me that other people have it a lot worse than me. I
envision telling people how I feel and getting responses such as
‘suck it up’ and ‘we all have problems, why are yours any more
important than anyone else’s?’ I have to keep telling myself to be
strong; be strong for Shilah, be strong for Dad, but sometimes I
just want to stop being strong for five minutes to catch my
breath.

The city is as
busy as I remember it. It’s a continuous wave of people amongst an
ocean of cars. I make my way down the sidewalk which seems to be
full of a million people intent on going the opposite way to me.
I’m starting to wonder how I ever lived here without going mad. I
guess you can do anything when you’re numb. We had just buried my
mother, figuratively speaking as the coffin was empty, but it was
at a time when we had to accept that mum was gone. Dad no longer
wanted to live in the house she went missing from and we were
behind on rent payments since we no longer had Mum’s income. Aunt
Kenna offered for us to stay with her until Dad could save some
money and work out what he wanted to do. I think it was the only
time in our lives that we moved because we wanted to and not
because we felt unsafe.