The Kiss on Castle Road (A Lavender Island Novel) (28 page)

Together, they caught their breath, Elliott breathing into her neck. Then she stroked his hair. She felt nothing but tenderness for this man.

“Elliott?”

“Yes?” he mumbled.

“You did it.”

He lifted himself up and stared at her curiously. “What?”

“You aced the test,” she whispered.

He chuckled and pushed her hair back from her face, then leaned in and gave her the most tender kiss of her life.

CHAPTER 25

In the morning, Natalie blinked open her eyes and tried to figure out where she was. As consciousness rolled in—ceiling fan, white curtains, papers all over the floor—her mind finally landed on the events of the day before. Elliott, snorkeling, making dinner, calling Paige, Elliott undressing her, his smile, and . . . wow, that lovemaking. They’d finally finished making dinner sometime around nine, ate slowly, then headed for the living room for round two. And then the patio, under the stars, for round three. She let her memory slip to his kisses, his care, his touch, his humor and slowly began rolling over as she forced her eyes open. Her hand landed on his empty space and she bolted upright.

She listened for sounds in the front room. Had he left for work? On a Saturday? She looked around the room and let herself sigh over her favorite part of the evening: his very last kiss as they drifted off to sleep together, his arm protectively around her body, his fingers stroking her loose hair until she fell asleep.

Natalie wasn’t normally the type of girl to touch during sleep. She normally kicked guys out of her bed so she could sleep peacefully, or she left at three in the morning to get to her own spacious, wonderfully empty bed. “Sleeping over” was not her norm. And cuddling all night was not even in her lexicon.

But last night with Elliott . . . that had simply felt right. Maybe because they already knew each other and were already close. She already trusted him, enjoyed his presence, enjoyed his company. They’d slept next to each other—on outdoor chaise lounges or on separate couches—as friends enough times that sleeping in the same bed with him last night didn’t feel stifling at all. It almost felt like wanting to join him at the tide pools—comforted by his hand helping her up, warmed by their legs touching, secure and safe, and always entertained in his company.

She lifted herself out of bed and peeked out the bedroom door, clutching her dress in front of her. Where had he gone? She couldn’t hear a thing out there. She snatched the sheets off the bed and pulled them around her.

“He was supposed to be here,” a voice said in the front room.

A man’s voice?
But not Elliott’s.

She crept back to the door with her sheet in tow and opened it a crack.

“You need to leave them alone, Nell. It doesn’t matter if Natalie was here.”

Natalie gripped the sheet tighter. It was Jim. She whirled back to scan the floor for her clothes.

“I can’t leave it alone,” Nell’s voice said. “I’m flying Vanessa in tonight to meet him. Where is he?”

“Maybe he forgot about going out for breakfast today.”

Natalie heard pots and pans being loaded into the sink. She wanted her bra but didn’t want to leave her eavesdropping space. She stretched her leg across the floor and wriggled her toe to reach for the bra strap.

“Anyway, he’s a big boy,” Jim said. “I think we need to let him live his own life.”

“I just don’t want him to get hurt.”

“I know, but, Nell, seriously. He’s a grown-ass man. He knows what he wants. You need to stop with this.”

“But does he
really
know what he wants?”

“Yes.”

“Is it sex? Because I’m sure Natalie can provide that, but I want him to have something more.”

Natalie’s toe finally caught her bra and she dragged it toward her. Underwear next.

“Look, I don’t know. And it’s none of our business. And neither are these dishes. Put those down. All I know is that Elliott has been happier in the last few weeks than I’ve seen him since I’ve known him. And I don’t know how you can be missing that fact.”

Natalie had to crawl away for a second to snatch up her underwear, which were slightly under the bed. She scrambled back to the crack in the door and tried to catch up.

“. . . tomorrow, and Becky just says that Natalie has always been a screwup, and always irresponsible. I don’t want him to get stuck taking care of her. He gravitates toward wounded birds. I want him with a woman who’s strong and can stand on her own. And who will stick around. Becky said Natalie can’t commit to anything, which is the worst kind of person Elliott could meet right now.”

A tiny slice went through Natalie at that, and she dropped her forehead against the doorjamb.

“First of all, you’re giving Becky too much credit in this scenario—she has an agenda, you know—and I think you’re selling Natalie way short.”

“She’s only twenty-seven.”

“He’s only twenty-eight!”

“She has no job. Well, except this temporary job babysitting. And what if she leaves him? When people are afraid to commit to anything, that’s what they do, you know. He’ll get hurt. He lost our grandfather, and you and I are leaving. He doesn’t need someone else to leave him right now.”

A silence fell while Natalie’s head spun. She wanted to leap out to interrupt this exchange—at least defend herself. But—on the other hand—honestly, the things Nell was saying were true. Natalie
had
been a runner all her life, especially from relationships. She
was
a bit of a wounded bird for Elliott, based on the way he looked at her so sadly whenever she brought up the reason for her mancation. And she
might
hurt him if she started something and left. He did say he was the type to get attached. And she couldn’t commit in any long-term way—especially on an island. Even if she stayed just for a short time, what if she did what Paige mentioned and started finding faults with Elliott just so she might break up with him and flee? She stared at the clothes hanging from her fingertips.

“Look, I don’t want him hurt either,” Jim finally said softly. “Natalie did say she was leaving next week.” She could hear the light notes of disappointment in his voice.

“Then encourage him to take this date with Vanessa instead,” Nell said. “Vanessa wants a real relationship. She wants a future. And Elliott deserves that.”

Another silence followed, where Natalie could hear everyone giving up on her. She let her bra fall to her side.

“We should leave,” Nell said softly. “He forgot. Maybe they went out to breakfast already.”

After hearing the back door open and close, Natalie sat in silence for a long while. She stared out Elliott’s bedroom window at the blue sky and watched a family of seagulls fly by.

She loved Elliott. She was suddenly sure of that. But she loved him so much she didn’t want to hurt him. Nell was right—he was in a fragile state with so many losses in his life. And how could Natalie—in good conscience—pull him into a relationship now, knowing she never let them last? Commitment-phobes didn’t change their stripes overnight.

One of her flip-flops caught her eye, and she crawled toward it, lifting it off a stack of Elliott’s papers and journals. The journal on top was an open suede-bound book, with lined paper inside and what must be Elliott’s handwriting. Somehow words leaped off the page at her:

April 16, 7 p.m.: Direct observation: three sea lion pups found alive, washed ashore in Diver’s Nook . . .

That was the day they’d met. Natalie tried to look away, but something made her read a little farther down:

April 16, 7 p.m.: Direct observation: met the woman I want to marry. Probably Nell’s worst nightmare.

Each scan across the line made Natalie’s breath come more and more ragged.
Marry?
The word seemed to grow darker and darker until it looked as if it were written in thick iron letters, ready to lock her up, ready to make her hyperventilate.

Did Elliott think that after their
first
encounter? How long had he had marriage on his mind? When they spoke at the Castle, he’d said he didn’t know if he wanted a long-term relationship—had he been saying that just to appease her? Had he said it just to trick her?

Natalie’s breath came faster and faster as she pressed her hand into her chest to calm her heart. She had to get out of there.

She grabbed the rest of her clothes, yanked them on, then slipped down the hall.

Nell was absolutely right about her.

When people were afraid to commit to anything, they definitely fled.

CHAPTER 26

The ocean slapped against the rocks as Natalie sat in the sand and watched Elliott approach. She pulled her windblown hair tendrils away from her lips and rubbed under her eyes, hoping he wouldn’t be able to tell she’d been crying.

“Hey.” His voice slid through her core like whiskey. The ocean roared before them as he took a seat near her. “There you are. I couldn’t believe you left this morning. I went to get us breakfast. Where’d you go?”

She took a deep breath and delivered her message without ceremony. “Elliott, we can’t do this.”

Elliott blinked a few times. The ocean roared in. “What?”

“A relationship. We can’t start one. I had an amazing time with you last night, but we can’t . . . we just can’t.”

He stared at her while another wave rolled up and back, a frown taking over his features. “Natalie, what’s wrong?”

“I found a thing in your room—a paper or journal or something.”

His forehead crumpled into a scowl. “What are you talking about?”

“I didn’t mean to look at it, but I saw that you wrote about rescuing Larry, Curly, and Moe, and then you wrote that you met the woman you want to marry and that she was Nell’s worst nightmare. Elliott, did you really think that about me right when you saw me?”

He looked out at the ocean, the frown still in place. Another wave went out and in before he spoke again. “I think I did, yeah.”

“Elliott, I don’t even
want
to get married. How could you have tricked me into getting closer to you when you knew—”

“Wait, first of all, I didn’t trick you into anything. I was trying to stay away from you, if you’ll remember. You kept showing up at the ends of my dates, and I wasn’t doing anything remotely like tricking you. It was like the laws of attraction that we just kept gravitating toward each other.”

“Laws of attraction?”

“Scientific laws of affinity—likes attract likes. Ocean to ocean. Earth to earth. That kind of thing. It’s a chemical thing. Anyway, it was never my intent to end up with you five nights in a row, and end up kissing your neck on a cliff side, and end up in a bar with you at the Castle, and the bison and . . . I didn’t plan any of that, Natalie.”

“But you wrote you met the woman you want to
marry
?”

He shook his head. “I can’t explain that. I don’t know what came over me.”

“You said you didn’t know if you were even a long-term guy. You said—”

“Natalie, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wrote that. I’m sorry you saw it. I have absolutely no secret intent here.”

“I can’t . . .” Her chest started feeling as if it were being filled with lava again. She pressed her hand into it. “I can’t be with you—sleep with you or start dating you—knowing you have marriage in mind as the end result. I can’t . . .” The lava was flowing around her heart, squeezing it, causing it to beat in an irregular way. She pressed her hand harder.

“We can’t start a relationship,” she finally sputtered out. “Whoever Nell’s setting you up with and flying in for prom—you should go with her.”

“But I’m not interested in—”

“I can’t offer you anything, Elliott. This other woman quite possibly can. I’m . . . I’m not right for you. I can’t commit. And I’m . . . I’m too much of a wounded bird.”

“A
wounded bird
?” The scowl was even deeper on Elliott’s face.

“You’re probably attracted to those types, and that’s sweet—I know you like to care for people—and that’s me, Elliott, I do have broken wings. But you need someone who’s strong and able to stand on her own two feet.”

She thought about revealing everything—the overheard conversation between Nell and Jim, too—but she didn’t want to blame this on them. This was her problem. She’d created this situation—letting things go too far with this good, good man, and now not being able to see it through to the conclusion he probably wanted. She needed to back away slowly.

“You’re creating a full, rich life here on the island, and you should continue that,” she said, her hand still pressing against her chest. “You’ve got a great group of friends now—all the seniors, Jim and Nell if they come back from Italy. My sister will always be here for you, Lily loves you, and you have the possibility of this new woman.”

“But I’m not interested in a new woman. I’m interested in you.”

“I can’t stay.”

The waves crashed in the distance. The truth of her statement hung in the air between them, as impossible to ignore as ocean fog.

“I can’t commit. And I can’t live on an island,” she continued. “You should go to the dance with the woman Nell thinks is right and find someone who can make a life here with you.”

The second she heard those words fall from her lips—make a life here with Elliott—Natalie had a brief glimpse of beauty. A flash of a vignette went through her mind, of Elliott, and her, here on the island, dating, walking along the beach, having drinks with friends at the Shore Thing, playing in the tide pools, laying on the chaise lounges under the stars, sitting on the couch with Lily and watching movies. The peace that floated through her at every image was something she’d never known.

But in less than a millisecond, the vision changed. The concept of commitment reentered, crushing all the images and warping them into a tight lava ball that began squeezing her again. Natalie’s heart went into overdrive, a feeling of claustrophobia and panic setting in. The ball tightened further with each idea of living on an island, living so close to so few people, committing to a life or job she wasn’t ready for . . . She tried to draw a deep breath.

“I can’t,” she managed to squeak out, pressing her hand to her lungs.

She wanted to elaborate—she wanted to make sure Elliott knew this wasn’t about him. He was such a wonderful man, and the man she’d felt closest to her whole life—but her heart kept skipping beats, and she had the sense she might even die right here on the beach. She brought her hand tighter to her chest and took a deep breath. She’d have to explain this to him later. Right now, she’d have to simply survive.

“Did I do something wrong?” he asked quietly.

“No! No. Definitely not.” Her heart was going to explode. She needed to get out of here. “You are
wonderful
. Really, the most amazing man. And someone who’s looking for a long-term relationship will be so lucky to find you. But I’m leaving. And you need someone who deserves you.” She stood. She had to leave. “I’ll see you there tonight, though.”

If her heart indeed exploded, she didn’t want Elliott to see it.

“Let’s talk more later,” she added. “I’m going to try to get there early tonight, and I’d love to talk, or at least have a dance with you. But I wanted to make sure you didn’t cancel on her tonight.”

She began backing up the sand dunes.

“Okay, Elliott?”

He nodded and simply looked confused.

Natalie raced away.

It wasn’t her finest moment.

But she had to start breathing again.

Elliott stared out at the ocean for another couple of minutes and uttered curses in his head.

What the hell was that?

He’d thought everything had gone so well last night. He’d thought they were getting closer; he’d thought he’d pleased her in bed; he’d thought they’d made an amazing connection.

But obviously there was something he wasn’t seeing, wasn’t understanding.

He stared at the waves crashing onshore. He could’ve told her more about how badly he wanted her to stay here with him. He could’ve made a case for how much he was falling for her, for how comfortable he felt around her, how much he looked forward to seeing her every day. He wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t know why he wrote that on the very first night he met her. He barely remembered doing it. But it sounded about right. He’d been hit hard, from the start, and whether it was laws of attraction or magnetic fields or biological chemistry bringing them together, it didn’t matter. They were meant to be together.

But he’d chickened out. The Colonel was right: it was easy to be brave in the face of physical danger, like hanging over a cliff in a golf cart, but baring your soul for another human being was terrifying. He’d had so few people to love in his life. He could count them on one hand. And experiencing so much rejection and loss made him terrified of having Natalie reject him, too.

But seeing her recoil so fiercely when she’d had to utter the word
marry
—that told him everything he needed to know. Whether it was about him or not, she was clearly not interested in a relationship. At least not a long-term one. She’d last about a month, probably. And he wasn’t prepared to deal with the pain that would bring.

And what the hell was that “wounded bird” comment?

He rose and dusted the sand off his hands. He’d go to the lab today. He’d been right all along—he needed to stick to microbiology.

Relationships and love—they were not his forte.

At the lab, the whirring of the test-tube incubators calmed him immediately. He made the rounds to check on all the sea lions—Moe was doing better, and Larry and Curly were almost ready for release. Mr. Warbler was being released tomorrow, and four others were also on the list. The epidemic was winding down, and even though they hadn’t solved the mystery of the influx of dehydrated pups, he was proud of the work they’d done here. It had been a successful three months. Jim’s center was definitely off the ground, and they’d have a whole year now to get the last details settled before they’d be hit with any more epidemics. With all the research now going on, hopefully they’d be able to handle anything that came up in the future, and Jim was already talking about coming back from Italy before next spring to possibly settle here with Nell permanently.

Elliott found some of his notes about algae on a clipboard near Moe’s area and thought to bring them back to his office to type them up. He’d already been invited to meet with some algae phycologists on the mainland, and several environmentalists were getting together to discuss the warmer waters in the Pacific and see if the lack of fish was the problem. It would be good to throw himself back into work again so he didn’t have to think about everything he’d lost here.

The sadness that thought brought down on his shoulders as he moved through the ICU was something he was wholly unprepared for. He’d been used to saying good-bye to people, moving around, pulling up shallow roots. But these past few months, here on Lavender Island, had truly been unique. He’d fallen into a feeling of comfort here, of belonging—from the perfect run along the beach, to the tide pools right outside his house, to the friendly townspeople who made him feel welcome, to the amazing staff at the Friends of the Sea Lion who were truly his people, to having Jim back in his life, to Nell and Max and the feeling of family, to the Colonel who’d been a rock like his granddad in his life again.

Elliott had never felt so welcome in a community before. And of course he knew the person who had made him feel warmest of all—Natalie Grant, who had made the last three months amazing. For once, he’d looked forward to
leaving
work each day—to seeing her smile, to hearing her laugh. He’d loved walking the tide pools with her as the sun set, and loved watching the waves at midnight with her. He’d loved their talks about all things serious and silly, loved playing darts with her before dinner, loved grocery shopping with her and even stir-frying vegetables in his close-quarters kitchen. He’d loved taking walks with her and Lily, and even loved Natalie’s always-exciting golf cart off-roading. And, of course, he’d loved making love to her. He absolutely loved Natalie Grant.

Unfortunately, she didn’t love him.

“Hey, what are you doing here?”

Elliott whirled around at the voice to see the Colonel walking toward him.

“Oh, hey. Just checking on the sea lions and getting ready to type up some notes. What are you doing here?”

“Just wanted to check on Mr. Warbler one more time. I had a dream that he took a downturn. But he’s looking pretty good. I hope he’ll be ready for release soon. But I should go get ready for tonight. You’re going tonight, right? You got the girl?”

“What?”

“The girl. Did you get her? Are you taking her to prom tonight?”

The feeling of loss fell through Elliott again—fresh and new and painful and heavy all over again—and his veins suddenly felt filled with lead. The enormity of what he’d just let slip away almost brought him to the ground.

“I might be losing on some of those fronts, Colonel.”

“What? Who’s your date tonight?”

“Someone named Vanessa, but—”

“
Vanessa?
Where’s Natalie? I told you to keep your eye on the prize, son.”

Elliott frowned. “Is that who you’ve been talking about this whole time, telling me to keep my eye on the prize?”

“Of course. Who’d you think I was talking about?”

“I don’t know, I—”

“Sherman, don’t be so dense. I know men are stupid when it comes to certain women, and you’re no exception, certainly, but get your head out of your ass and look around. She wants you. She needs you. You two are meant to be together. So you take that lion’s share of courage you’ve always had in you and
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.”