The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel (14 page)

And she said BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE JUST PEOPLE AND GOD IS GOD AND SO GOD WOULDN’T LIKE IT.

And I said WELL, I DON’T THINK WE SHOULD CALL HIM CHRISTOPHER.

And so she got to say WHY? this time.

And I said BECAUSE IT’S TOO LONG AND BESIDES IT’S UGLY.

And she said we could call him CHRIS if we want.

And I said I DON’T LIKE THAT EITHER.

And she said WELL, WHAT DO YOU LIKE?

And I said HOW ABOUT CLARK?

And she said CLARK?

And I said I THINK CLARK IS A REAL NICE NAME FOR A BABY. OR EVEN A PERSON.

And she said CLARK? again.

AND BESIDES, HE’S
MY
BABY BROTHER AND IF I 
CANT GET A ATOMIC SUBMARINE THEN I SHOULD GET TO CALL HIM CLARK. SO THAT’S WHAT I’M GONNA DO.

So she said WE’LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER.

So I said WE TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING LATER.

So she said DON’T GET SMART WITH ME, YOUNG MAN! GO DUMP THE GARBAGE.

So I started to say something
 
back but then my dad came in from work and so I didn’t because he gets mad quicker than my mom does. And after I dumped the garbage I thought about it for quite a bit. And I decided if I can’t call him Clark then maybe I could call him KAL-EL. That’s what your name used to be when you lived on Krypton before it exploded. But I still like CLARK the best.

Goodby.

YOUR FRIEND JERRY 

PS: Which one do you like the best?

Guess what, Superman?

My mom said we can’t name my baby brother Kal-El either because all Catholic babys have to be named after Saints. And that’s why we can’t call him Clark. And Christ wasn’t a Saint because he was God. It would be a sin if we named him after God or a person and that’s why we have to name him after a Saint like Christopher even if we don’t like it.

Which I don’t.

You see, Superman, a Saint is somebody who used to be a person before he became a Saint. And if you want to 
become a Saint then somebody has to kill you first because you believe in God and they don’t. Like Joan of Ark who’s on a lot of the Holy Cards. She kept smiling and praying and singing about God while they tied her up and burnt her. The only trouble is that everybody here in Pulpburg already believes in God. So the only way they might kill you around here is if you DIDN’T believe in God. But I don’t think that counts. So I guess I can never become a Saint. And I guess I can never name him CLARK either.

I’m sorry, Superman. I tried.

JERRY CHARIOT

PS: I don’t want to be a Saint anyway because there’s already a Saint named Saint Jerome. I’d hate to go to all the trouble of becoming a Saint and then have everybody get me mixed up with somebody else when they’re praying to me.

Dear Superman,

This afternoon me and Robert went into Bacchio’s News Stand to buy SUPERMAN’S PAL JIMMY OLSEN NO. 125 like we always do. That’s the one where Jimmy Olsen is making you cry allover the cover so he could get some Super tears for his magic formula that he was making. So first we looked through it like we always do. That’s so we can give Mrs. Bacchio some time to decide if maybe she wants to give it to us free. But she wasn’t even looking at us. And she didn’t smile or say HI BOYS like she always usually does sometimes. So we went over to pay for it and that’s when we noticed her eyes were all red and watery 
like yours on the cover. And like Elizabeth’s on Saturday night. And she looked really TERRIBLE, Superman. So Robert said HI, MRS. BACCHIO! and I said YOU SURE LOOK NICE TODAY but she didn’t say nothing. Not even one word like Hello. She just took our money and gave us our change and didn’t even look in our eyes.

And we never saw her like that before and that’s why you GOTTA do something, Superman.

You see, Mrs. Bacchio really likes you a hole lot like we do. And she ALWAYS talks about you. And so we know you could make her feel better because she really feels bad because we can tell. We just know. And we don’t know why exactly, but we know you could figure it out please? All you gotta do is go talk to her for a little while and she’d REALLY like that. And if you did, then me and Robert wouldn’t even care if you didn’t get a chance to talk to Perry White about giving Robert a job. Which is what we was gonna ask you about. But now you don’t have to worry about it. Unless you wanted to. Goodby.

Love,

Jerry and Robert

PS: Did you ever hear of Saint Buster? Well I didn’t either. But my mom said that Buster isn’t his real name because it’s Anthony like my dad. And Anthony is a real good Italien Saint. And I said ARE YOU SURE THERE ISN’T A SAINT CLARK? And she said DID YOU EVER HEAR OF HIM? And I said WELL I DON’T KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT SAINTS, BUT SISTER MARY JUSTIN DOES. So me and Robert are gonna ask her. But first we thought you might know since your name is Clark sometimes. So if you don’t know, then maybe you could fly faster than the speed of light and crash through the Time Barrier and fly back to 
when you was Superbaby in Smallville. And you could ask Ma and Pa Kent if they named you after Saint Clark. And then you could fly back to the future. Which is the present. Which is when me and Robert is writing this letter. Which is the way you could let us know. Thanks, Man of Steel.

Dear Clark,

We keep reading how you fly back through the TIME BARRIER a lot. Like the time you went back so you could use your Super-breath to help Benjamin Franklin fly a kite. And another time you flew back to when there was dinasores allover the Earth which was a LONG time ago. In fact it was so long ago that we can’t even remember which issue it was in.

And so if you decided to fly back to see Ma and Pa Kent, then you’d also see yourself wouldn’t you? I mean, you might run into yourself when you was SUPERBOY or SUPERBABY or even before you wasn’t anything, like my baby brother.

And then you could watch yourself and see what you did when you was a kid.

Unless you landed in the past on a day when Superboy was in the future seeing what he was gonna look like when he became Superman. And then neither of you would get to see yourself. Unless you passed yourself on your way through the Time Barrier.

Me and Robert was wondering if that ever happend? Or if it’s ever gonna happen? Why don’t you tell us?

Your Friends,

JERRY CHARIOT and Robert

PS: That’s why I can’t wait until I get Super, Superman. Because then I can fly back through the Time Barrier and meet me when I was a kid. Which is RIGHT NOW. Which means I might be meeting myself any day now. Then I’ll know what I’m gonna look like when I get Super. So I hope I come to visit me REAL soon. Goodby.

Well, SUPERMAN,

Me and Robert have been watching pretty close, but we don’t see anybody who looks like me flying around. In fact we don’t see anybody flying around at all. Not even you.

I hope that don’t mean I’m not gonna get SUPER.

Maybe it just means that when I get Super I’m never gonna decide to fly through the Time Barrier. Except that’s one of the FIRST things I’m gonna do.

So maybe it just means I’m gonna fly into a Saturday because we don’t have school on Saturday and so I’ll have more fun with myself. And since tomorrow is Saturday, maybe that’s when I’m gonna do it.

I’ll let you know.

Your,

 PAL JERRY

  

Dear Superman,

Well I didn’t do it. I didn’t fly into the past and meet myself or anything. I even went up to the Duck Rock and looked allover the place and Robert came with me. But nothing happend and then it was time to go eat. And so I 
asked my mom if Robert could eat at our house and she said OK. But Robert’s mom said he couldn’t because she made spaghetty all day. Which Robert likes quite a bit anyway. And so do I. So I asked my mom if I could eat at Robert’s and she said GO ASK YOUR DAD. And my dad said NO. So I didn’t. So after supper Robert came down and asked my mom if I could sleep at his house like I do sometimes on Saturday. And she said GO ASK YOUR DAD. And I said DO I HAVE TO? And she said YES. And he said NO. And I really wanted to because we have more fun up there. Because his mom always gets drunk on Saturday night and so we could stay up REAL late. But my dad didn’t let me like he usually don’t. And he wouldn’t let Robert stay at my house either. He said we always giggle and make too much noise. And I said PLEASE? And he said YOU HEARD ME! And so I had to stay home all alone and wait, Superman.