The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel (13 page)

Thank you very VERY much.

LOVE,

Jerry and Robert

Well, Superman,

Me and Robert have been thinking about it a looooooooong time and we finally found a REALLY good way to get Mr. Mxyzptlk! to say his name back words and disappear. What you could do is you could ask him to play a game called FAMOUS NAMES because he really likes games 
because he’s a imp and not a person. And that’s what me and Robert like to play sometimes. Like I might say WHAT IS THE NAME OF SUPERMAN’S FAMOUS DOG?

And Robert would say KRYPTO.

Or I might say WHAT IS THE NAME OF GOD’S FAMOUS SON?

And Robert would say THE BABY JESUS.

And so you could say WHAT IS THE NAME THAT THE FAMOUS IMP SAYS BACKWORDS?

And he would say JKLTPZYXM and then he would disappear. If he was dumb. Which he isn’t. So he’ll say,

HA-HA, YOU’RE TRYING TO TRICK ME, SUPERMAN!

And you’ll say, WELL, I GUESS IT ISN’T VERY FAMOUS ANYWAY.

And he’ll say YES IT IS!

And you’ll say NO IT ISN’T.

And he’ll say YES IT IS! again.

And you’ll say WHAT IS?

And he’ll say JKLTPZYXM. Except he might be smarter than you think, Superman. And he’ll say,

I WON’T SAY IT, SUPERMAN!

And you’ll say THAT’S BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW IT, MR. MXYZPTLK!

And he’ll say YES I DO!

And you’ll say YOU SURE ARE A DUMB IMP!

And he’ll say NO I’M NOT!

And you’ll say DON’T EVEN KNOW YOUR OWN NAME BACKWORDS—HA-HA!

And he’ll say YES I DO!

And you’ll say THEN WHAT IS IT?

And he’ll say .'KLTPZYXM and then FOR SURE he’ll disappear. And we know all that talking is gonna take up a 
lot of space in the comicbook but we hope you can do it anyway. So GOOD LUCK, Man of Steel!

Your VERYgood PALS, 

JERRY and ROBERT

PS: We hope you’ll write and tell us if you like it for a change.

DEAR SUPERMAN,

Right now Robert and me are on the Duck Rock but what I wanted to tell you about happend this morning when Veronica who lives nextdoor went to talk to Old Lady Holbrook. Except she don’t really talk because she whispers like she always does. Like one time she kept whispering about Robert’s mom and how she gets drunk all the time because she must be a alkaholic. And another time she kept whispering about somebody who was a mother who had a baby who didn’t have a father and Old Lady Holbrook whisperd I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!

And Veronica nextdoor whisperd I’M TELLING YOU, MARGRET, I GOT IT STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSE’S NEIGHBOR.

And this morning Veronica was walking up the street REAL fast and she didn’t even knock because Old Lady Holbrook was waiting for her on the porch. So we figured they had something real importent to whisper about and it would take a LONG time. That’s why I waited for them to go inside before I snuck out of the bushes and put on my cape and climbed up the tree and Robert said READY?

And I said READY.

Only I guess I wasn’t because my cape got caught on a branch and I almost got hung like a cowboy. Except the knot broke as Veronica opened the door and came out and went right over to see my mom. So I figured I was really gonna get it.

That’s why I sneaked home and took off my shoes and tip-toed in the doorway and you know what, Superman? 
She wasn’t even saying nothing about it for a change. That’s because she was too busy whispering about how Mrs. Bacchio was doing something with somebody who she wasn’t supposed to be doing it with. And I don’t know exactly what it was because I never heard them whisper THAT low before. But it must of been pretty bad because my mom said HOW DISGUSTING!

And Veronica said I’M TELLING YOU, FRANCES, THAT LENORE BACCHIO IS A DEMON!

And that’s why I don’t like Veronica very much because she whispers like that about EVERYBODY. And so does my mom. And so the next time they whisper about Mrs. Bacchio I’ll let you know what she wasn’t supposed to be doing with whoever she was doing it with. If I figure it out.

So long, Superman.

Your pals,

JERRY and ROBERT

  

  

Well, Superman,

Whatever Mrs. Bacchio did she must still be doing it because my mom and Veronica nextdoor have been whispering about it for three days. And I don’t know what it is but I know she was doing it with a man and it wasn’t Mr. Bacchio. That’s because my mom whisperd DOES HER HUSBAND KNOW ABOUT IT?

And Veronica whisperd NO, BUT EVERYBODY ELSE DOES.

And I said I DON’T.

And my mom looked up. And so did Veronica. And 
they thought I was watching Mickey Mouse Club only I wasn’t. I was listening to them. And so I said WHO IS SHE DOING IT WITH?

And boy did my mom get mad! She yelled at me and told me how I wasn’t supposed to listen to groan ups talk. Especially when they’re whispering. And how I better get outside before she gives me a beating. So I went up to Robert’s house and we talked about it for a long time and we tried to figure out who it was she’s doing it with. Whatever it is she’s doing. And Robert said it must be somebody REALLY bad for them to whisper so much. And so I said maybe it’s you, Superman, because why else would my mom get so mad? So if it is you, then why don’t you write us a letter and tell us? And if it’s not you, then don’t worry about writing.

Except you probly wouldn’t write even if it was you. So maybe you better write even if it’s not you.

Thank you, Superpal.

JERRY CHARIOT 

and

ROBERT SIPANNO

DEAR SUPERMAN,

Well, we know who she’s doing it with and it’s not you. It’s Mr. Durrelli. He’s the one who brings the comicbooks after school every Monday when me and Robert wait. And so now you don’t have to write us that letter and tell us who it is. But you could tell us what it is. If you want. We haven’t figured that out yet. But we figured out where it is. It’s in the back of Mrs. Bacchio’s News Stand where she 
keeps all the old comicbooks and stuff. That’s what Robert’s mom said when she was talking to Olivia Mariotti on the phone. Except Robert calls her Ant Olivia. And Robert’s mom said that my mom said that Veronica nextdoor said that she was doing it right there in the back of the store and CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

And then Olivia said something and Robert’s mom said WHY IT’S JUST TERRIBLE! HOW MANY KIDS DOES HE HAVE?

And Olivia said something else and Robert’s mom said SIX! And then she said, THAT GOES TO SHOW YOU, OLIVIA, YOU JUST CAN’T TRUST A MAN!

And so if she don’t trust a man then she probly don’t trust a boy either. So we better not ask her what Mrs. Bacchio was doing. But we thought maybe you could tell us since you have Super branes and also X-ray Vision. All you have to do is fly over Bacchio’s News Stand and look through the roof and watch them doing it. Whatever they’re doing. And then you could fly up to the Duck Rock and tell me and Robert about it. We sure would appreciate it, Man of Steel.

YOUR FRIEND JERRY and ROBERT again

PS: I like Mrs. Bacchio a LOT better than Veronica next-door or Olivia Mariotti or even my mom or Robert’s mom. Or Buster or Sister Mary Justin or Jimmy Sinceri. Or my sister the Sister who is becoming a nunn who we’re going to see next Sunday. Or ANYBODY. And so I don’t care what they say, Superman, because I know she couldn’t do nothing bad. Because I just KNOW it. So goodby.

Dear SUPERMAN,

You know what I think? I think my baby brother REALLY is in my mom’s stomick. Because the other day she was holding her stomick and telling me how she’s gonna call him Christopher after he’s borned. And I said CHRISTOPHER?

And she said YES, ISN’T THAT NICE?

And I said HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT?

And so she wrote it down for me like this:

CHRISTOPHER

And I said CAN WE CALL HIM CHRIST FOR SHORT?

And she said NO, THAT’D BE A SIN.

And I said WHY?

And she said BECAUSE THERE’S ONLY ONE CHRIST AND YOU CAN’T NAME A PERSON AFTER A GOD.

And I said WHY? again.