The Last Testament: A Memoir (30 page)

⁷
We all agreed we needed a Judean couple of unblemished reputation; and that the woman needed the sufficient obstetrical vigor to withstand the pressure of bearing a world-redemptive fetus in utero for nine months.

⁸
But there was much contention regarding what place in society these people should occupy.

⁹
Some argued that the son of God should enter the world as a highborn prince, as befitting his true nature;

¹⁰
While others argued that if he was going to descend, he should descend to the very bottom; and be born the son of a sewer-cleaner, or prostitute, or slave, or musician.

¹¹
I remember Uriel mirthing, that the question before us was like unto one thou might hear at an earthly limbo competition: “How lowly can ye go? How lowly can ye go?”

¹²
(Though I would add somewhat less mirthfully, that my version of limbo is
much
less festive than thine.)

¹³
Finally, a familiar voice rang out.

¹⁴
“Let us split the difference,” H. G. said, “and find for my brother a qualified couple from a moderate socioeconomic background;

¹⁵
Decent, hard-working people with strong family values that embody the Judean Dream.

¹⁶
And let them dwell in a virtuous, blue-tunic community; Nazareth comes to mind, maybe, or—

¹⁷
No; I was going to say East Nazareth, but it’s gotten too gentrified.”

¹⁸
We all saw the wisdom of H. G.’s words of hard-headed soft-heartedness; and I was glad to find him getting into the spirit of things by finally channeling his vast intelligence into something irrational.

¹⁹
We sent ten of our top operatives to Nazareth; they soon returned with intel that the best candidates by far were a betrothed couple named Mary and Joseph.

²⁰
Mary’s dossier showed her to be kind, intelligent, and confident; the type of woman who could raise God’s son with such grace and equanimity that other women would see her pass by and wonder, “How
does
she do it?”

²¹
And Joseph’s dossier revealed him to be quiet and sturdy; someone endowed with the mental fortitude to cope with what was sure to be a somewhat awkward family dynamic, especially once Jesus hit his teens; but we were satisfied he had the groundedness to handle the how-doyou-tell-the-son-of-God-he’s-grounded-ness.

²²
And, of course, Mary was a virgin, and this was the crucial factor; for by introducing Jesus through a miraculous act of asexual reproduction, we would be showing the world from the start that he was both Word
and
flesh; Man
and
God; a subtle concept we knew would be difficult of comprehension;

²³
Indeed, I myself have never really figured it out.

²⁴
There was only one other woman remotely in contention, a maiden who lived a few streets away; virtuous and virginal, but prone to rapid swings of temperament; engaged to a blacksmith who was good-hearted, but given to drink; their relationship was querulous;

²⁵
And worst of all, her name was Tabitha.

²⁶
Verily: I do not know if I could ever grant eternal life in the Kingdom of Heaven to
anyone
who believed in the “Virgin Tabitha.”

²⁷
Mary seemed the clear winner, but we left the final word to Jesus; for he was the one who would be spending nine months inside her reproductive tract, so it was important he feel comfortable.

²⁸
But after long contemplation he looked up, and smiled, and said, “Yea; Mary.”

²⁹
Thus did Jesus become the only child ever born who got to choose its mother.

CHAPTER 8

¹
O
ther than the one thing, it was a fairly routine pregnancy.

²
Morning sickness; backaches; frequent urination; as usual the second trimester was the most pleasant, but then came the third: the fatigue, the sore breasts, the vaginal discharge; and of course, the cravings.

³
Mary screamed incessantly for dates and honey, and poor Joseph had to keep running out in the middle of the night to raid the palm grove, or throw pebbles at the windows of Ephesam the beekeeper.

⁴
To avoid scandal they had gotten married very early on, but Joseph did not consummate the marriage until after the birth; he said it was for reasons of sanctity, although the image of fetal Jesus floating inches from his penis must have been a bit of a mood-killer.

⁵
My son was going deep, deep undercover; he told me before implantation he wanted the truth of his identity to remain hidden from everyone, including himself, for 30 years, so that he might have the authentic experience of being “embedded”; and I swore to him it would be so.

⁶
But my principal feelings at this time were trepidation, anger, and indignity; and inwardly I continued to seethe over the bitter reflection, that no son of mine should ever be a son of
thine.

⁷
The months wore on, and the day thou knowest as Christmas Eve crept up on us stealthily; for recall there was as yet not only no Christmas, but no “Christmas season” to helpfully remind thee of the joyous day’s arrival within two weeks; or four weeks; or 25 weeks, as I believe is now the standard duration of the Yuletide mall-Muzak tape-loop.

⁸
Mary and Joseph had traveled to Bethlehem to register for the census; an event the Romans held periodically for tax purposes, to determine that a particular province had, say, MMMMMDCCLXVII inhabitants, each of whom therefore bore the burden of paying I/MMMMMMDCCLXVIITH of the taxes.

⁹
They arrived, and as per the plan made their way to the Bethlehem Bed & Breakfast; but, wouldst thou not know it, no one had made a reservation!

¹⁰
The fault was not theirs; for I had come to them both in a dream— I was a talking tornado—and explicitly told them they would be giving birth in Room 423 of the BB&B.

¹¹
No, it was a classic case of an assignment falling through the bureaucratic cracks; for Uriel thought Michael was handling it; and Michael thought Raphael was on top of it; and Raphael thought Uriel was on the case.

¹²
So when the couple arrived there was no reservation; and no vacancy; and no rooms to be had anywhere in Bethlehem; for it also just so happened that that was the very weekend the Roman Society of Aqueduct Salesmen was holding its annual convention in . . .

¹³
Thou guessedst it.

¹⁴
Looking back and knowing it all worked out for the best, it is easy to regard such bungles as trivial, but at the time they were potentially catastrophic, for the birth was imminent; Mary’s contractions were accelerating, and her cervix was already dilated .09 cubits.

¹⁵
Who knows what would have happened, had Gabriel not chanced to catch lucky sight of that unlocked manger with its crateful of rudimentary medical and incubatory equipment across the street.

¹⁶
As it was, the comedy of errors was still not over; for as Joseph argued with the clerk at the BB&B, he (and he alone) saw the word “
MANGER
” appear in dazzling fire behind him;

¹⁷
But he misread it, and took it as my insistence that he speak with the manager; which he did for several minutes, to no avail;

¹⁸
Until finally I was obliged to resort to something deeply embarrassing, akin to an admission of failure:

¹⁹
I froze the universe, picked up Joseph and Mary, and plunked them down in the manger, cushioning their landing atop a pile of horse dung.

²⁰
Yea, faith is a sausage best not seen made.

CHAPTER 9

¹
T
he Nativity; the Star of Bethlehem; the Annunciation to the Shepherds; the Adoration of the Magi . . . each unfolded in rapid succession, each so momentous its name was immediately capitalized.

²
The events of that night have been the subject of more art and music and contemplation and wonder than any before or since; but I assure thee, on that
first
Christmas no one on my team had the slightest inclination to paint a fresco, or sing a carol, or buy an iPhone, or claymate a snowman.

³
No; for my hardworking angels that night in Bethlehem, the “true meaning of Christmas” was getting to sleep in until 4
PM
.

⁴
Even
I
was weary; this is yet another misconception about me, that I am tireless; I am not tireless; stress and strain can fatigue me to the core.

⁵
But I cannot afford the luxury of slumber, so I use my omnipotence to keep myself awake; in this way I have gone 6,000 years without sleeping;

⁶
Behold the state of the world; I think it may be catching up with me.

⁷
And so began Jesus’s time on earth; it would last 33 years.

⁸
And excepting one brief passage recounting his visit to the Temple in Jerusalem at age 12, thou knowest nothing of his whereabouts and activities for the first 30 of them.

⁹
No other reference or anecdote exists; no other written record to shed light on how he was girding himself for glory during these three decades.

¹⁰
But I was there; I watched him through it all; and I will tell thee exactly what he was doing during this period:

¹¹
Fieldwork.

¹²
Jesus wanted to redeem humanity; and to redeem it he had to understand it; and to understand it he had to become part of it, and that is just what he did:

¹³
He unflinchingly surrendered to life, enjoying and suffering and experiencing all the thoughts and feelings and sensations and impulses of a real, flesh-and-blood human being.

¹⁴
Thus, as soon as Jesus was born,

¹⁵
Jesus wept.

¹⁶
And Jesus slept.